2.5: Changing the Self
Set Yourself Up to Succeed
We have examined a number of aspects of self throughout this chapter. But perhaps surprisingly, we cannot simply give you a definitive set of instructions to alter your self-concept or improve your self-esteem. Often, the influences that shape us are precisely those that prevent us from simply deciding we are going to think positively about ourselves and then enact that change. We are not perfect, and to expect perfection leads us down a dangerous path. It may be more fruitful to become aware of how we often stand in our own way when we truly desire change. Here we discuss ways we might set ourselves up to succeed when changing the self is our goal.
Commit to Personal Growth with Small Steps
This guideline sounds like a no-brainer, but you might be surprised by how many of us believe we can simply alter our thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors without resistance (both from ourselves and others). One important step, therefore, is to slow down and be deliberate. As we discussed, the self-concept resists new ways of being—that is, we learn a “dance” of being who we are, and then it becomes habitual. Thus, we need to be willing to take baby steps. That means if we truly want to make a change, we must focus on one small aspect we want to transform, and then engage in a limited number of new practices at a time to bring about a change.
For example, when Marla was enrolled in a Communication Studies class at her local community college, she decided it was the time in her life to try and manage her shyness. She set small communication goals for herself for the semester. First, she decided to try and make one new friend in each of her classes. In order to do this, she sat next to someone friendly and introduced herself. Her second goal was to raise her hand in class at least once a week to ask a question. As a result of her goals and simple action steps, she not only made new friends, but she also developed a mentorship relationship with one of her professors. In short, what we do need is to show ourselves grace and set small goals. If you do not set goals that you can reasonably accomplish, you are bound to get discouraged and quit. It has taken you this many years to become the person you are, right? It’s wise not to expect that you can transform overnight.
Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships
Oprah Winfrey once said we should surround ourselves only with those who will lift us higher. Although that may not always be possible, her point is that we are greatly impacted by the people we interact with. Surrounding ourselves with good people who support a positive version of our self-concept will help us develop a healthy sense of self. Perhaps Winfrey knew about the concept of emotional contagion. It suggests that as people express their emotional states, others around them are likely to “catch” those states (Goleman, 1995). In other words, emotions may be transferred from one person to another. This will be explored further in Chapter 7. Such a finding has at least one implication for this chapter on self: the people you surround yourself with will impact how you feel, and more importantly how you feel about yourself. If you live day-to-day near those who are negative, unsupportive, criticize you, or create drama, you are bound to draw your perceptions—at least in part—from that negativity.
Our self-esteem as well as our ability to make changes in ourselves flourishes in an environment where we are nourished and may sustain a sense of well-being. Working to create healthy relationships with others and then maintain those support systems is an integral part of change. As you transform, you will see your relationships change. This is because of the fact that relationships are interrelated systems: you cannot change one part of a system without causing changes in all other parts. An anonymous author once noted, “When things change inside you, things change around you.” In fact, as you grow, you often tend to meet others that are on a similar path, and you feel a kinship with one another. Simultaneously, as you feel more empowered and confident, other relationships you’ve been in for a while may stagnate and feel like more work because you are not the same person you once were. Since changing aspects of one’s self is helped by relationships that you can lean into, these shifts in who you feel close to only aid the process. Keep in mind those who nurture you, give you the strength you need to stay positive, and motivate you to be your greatest yet-to-be self.
Recognize the Subjective Nature of Self
If you have ever watched a movie with someone and the first thing you say after is “That was a great movie!” but the person you watched it with said, “I hated it,” you will understand how everything we see is relative or subjective, meaning evaluated on the basis of personal perspectives. What we may find attractive, you may not. Through the years of teaching Communication classes, we have asked students to identify an attractive celebrity, and then we ask the rest of the class if they agree with these perceptions. There has never been a time when everyone felt the same way about someone. This same dynamic is true about perceptions of selfhood as well. We may view ourselves very differently than others do. In fact, we generally do not see ourselves the way others see us, and at times, we may not even be able to judge ourselves accurately even though the truth of our behavior may be staring us in the face.
For example, individuals sometimes view themselves more harshly than is warranted. There have been times when students have remarked they do not want to turn their cameras on in a Zoom class session because they are self-conscious about how they look. In fact, they look fabulous when we get the chance to interface with these same people privately later in the same session. On the other hand, research shows that many people overestimate their own knowledge or capabilities in specific situations or fields of expertise. The Dunning–Kruger effect (Schlösser, et al., 2013) is a cognitive bias wherein people are unaware of their own deficiencies. A person might believe they are truly likable or socially appropriate, for instance, when in fact they are offensive or off-putting. It is not that we are all unable to evaluate our abilities or behaviors, but rather our conclusions are highly dependent upon the context within which we judge ourselves.
Make a list of ten adjectives you believe describe you. Then, ask someone you feel close to, to write their own list. How close are the words you each selected? Do the adjectives on the list you received from another have items on it that surprised you? Why, or why not? What does a comparison of your two lists reveal to you?
Recognize that the Self-Concept Resists Change
It may sound counterintuitive to say that the self-concept resists change when our aim is to change. As humans, change is hard even when we know it is good for us! If you went through the COVID-19 pandemic spending a lot of time on your sofa, this will resonate with you. An APA Stress in America survey conducted in late February 2021 found that a little less than half of all adults reported undesired weight gain since the start of the pandemic (APA, 2021). The stress brought on by being isolated, bored, depressed, or anxious led to an abundance of eating. Wouldn’t it be wise then to begin eating healthfully if you are one of the people in the United States who gained weight during the pandemic? It would seem to be a simple decision to get off of the sofa and just change. But change is not easy, and there is a part of us that just likes the “comfortable sofas” we have in our lives. In short, the self is a construct that is obstinate: like a rubber band, it may be pulled or stretched into different shapes, but it typically will return to its original form. This means that to truly transform our behavior or shift an attitude, we have to recognize our own resistance to change. Furthermore, the challenges of changing yourself can be compounded in an interpersonal relationship. Relationships create their own patterns and habits that may be hard to break free from, especially when they are in sync with someone else. We may face our own resistance to change, but we also often experience resistance from others unless they are also interested in making a shift.
The term cognitive conservatism has been coined to account for the way we tend to seek out and notice information that conforms to our existing self-concept. Does that surprise you? Studies reveal that our own self-concept is incredibly biased! If we believe a given political viewpoint and that perspective is a part of our self-concept, we are often more inclined to notice a bumper sticker on a car that represents that view or even seek out radio broadcasts featuring commentators who espouse our views. It is perhaps even more worrying, however, that algorithms operating on social media platforms use our own cognitive conservatism to keep us glued to those platforms. The longer we stay, the more data they can collect and sell to aid in marketing and advertising.
Be Mindful of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
One challenge to changing the self can be found in the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy , introduced by the sociologist Robert Merton. The phenomenon suggests that our own expectations—and also those that others may place upon us—can shift our behaviors. When such a shift occurs, expectations we entertained may actually come to be. As Merton put it, a “false definition … evoking a new behavior…” can cause an “originally false conception [to] come true” (Merton, 1948, p. 193).
There are generally four phases of a self-fulfilling prophecy. First, we form an expectation, often without even knowing we have done so. Second, we behave in ways that align with that expectation. Third, we experience the expectation we formed as coming to fruition. Finally, the original expectation we held is strengthened or reinforced. One of our authors shares their own example:
My experience with my brother several years ago is a telling example. I believed my brother was not interested in having a close relationship with me (Phase 1). I, therefore, avoided calling him or reaching out in any tangible way. I figured, “Well, he is simply busy with his own life and I guess that’s the way it is.” I neglected to invite closeness with him; I behaved as if he did not want to know me or was unconcerned with my well-being (Phase 2). In a year or so our relationship had not only become more distant (Phase 3), but I also became even more sure that my original belief about his disinterest in me was true (Phase 4). Later, I found out he was experiencing some truly difficult health issues and was unable to communicate to me about these. I was completely wrong in my assumptions—but I sure believed them with gusto! It is noteworthy that I believed the distance between me and my brother was simply something happening to me, and yet I was the impetus. My expectation about my brother’s intentions, in my mind, were proven true until I realized I had misperceived the situation.
Others’ expectations may also lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. “The term Pygmalion effect refers broadly to the effects of interpersonal expectations, that is, the finding that what one person expects of another can come to serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy” (Rosenthal, 2010). Here is another personal example:
I was an average student throughout my education. As a child, I had some negative feedback from teachers. It peaked one day in a high school Chemistry class when I raised my hand and asked a question. My teacher’s response was “That was a stupid question, Victoria, and you won’t succeed in chemistry if you don’t know that answer.” I went to the Counseling office and begged to be put in a more remedial class. I knew I would never succeed in science. However, upon finishing graduate school I wanted to go into pharmaceutical sales where one needs to have a strong understanding of all sciences. I was hired, went into training, and my mentors told me I was doing brilliantly. I ended up completing training as the highest-scoring trainee for the company. I went on to become a successful pharmaceutical rep, and to this day I remember much of what I learned.
Your mind is a complicated tool that, according to Higgens (1989), influences your self-esteem in ways you may be unaware of. In fact, most of us are unsure of the roots of self-esteem and how to effectively build it in our own selves or our children. The self-discrepancy theory suggests that we use specific standards to understand our own worth—even though these standards, or “self-guides,” as he named them, may not be accurate potentialities of what we can or even should become. There are two basic types of standards: the ideal self and the ought self.
The ideal self is a standard related to physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual hopes or wishes a person may have. This is the self you dream about becoming. For instance, you may envision yourself as a talented pianist in the future and hope that you may have what it takes to be famous and well-known for your musical talent. The achievement of this vision would be the standard from which you measure your self-worth. The ought self is the person the outside world might expect from you. This is the self one feels obligated to become to meet others’ expectations; it may also include social norms or cultural standards. An example of an ought self may stem from what your mother, father, or even boss believes you should be. Perhaps your mother or father believes you should be married or be more involved in family life; your supervisor thinks you need to work harder or be more ambitious.
In short, these standards affect how you may judge yourself. Unsurprisingly, when you meet the standards, Higgins (1989) argues that you experience positive feelings, and you are elated or relieved; when you do not, you experience negative feelings like irritation, guilt, and even depression. In fact, Strauman (1992) found that individuals who suffered from depression were much more likely to perceive themselves as further away from their ideal self. Those who reported higher levels of anxiety seemed to believe they were not meeting the standards of their ought self. The point to understand is that our self-esteem can be altered by ideal and ought self discrepancies. Nonetheless, research shows our sense of self is affected by such variables. In our quest to become better versions of ourselves, we need to become aware of the ideals we treasure and ask ourselves: Is this goal practical? Am I putting undue pressure upon myself?
Similarly, we must be clear about how other people have an effect on our perceived obligations. An autonomous person must make their own independent choices, recognize when these stray from what’s reasonable, and ultimately be responsible to continue learning and growing.
Beware of Distorted Patterns of Thinking
All of us have habits or patterns of thinking that may derail our ability to change. These often are so ingrained in us that we do not even notice when the debilitating ideas that we hold sabotage healthy behaviors. Often these patterns are like a broken record we listen to constantly, but forget it’s even playing. Someone once told me, “You do not need to add anything to yourself to improve, you simply need to release that which is not serving you anymore.” This means our real challenge is to let go of distorted viewpoints as opposed to adding new knowledge. If this is true, being watchful of how you think and feel may be one of the most powerful tools for making changes in yourself. But how do we do this? One way is to become a witness to your own thoughts and feelings. Slow down and simply become present enough to observe what is going on in your mind and body. You are not trying to change anything in this process, you simply watch calmly with no judgment. There is plenty of time for evaluation later! For the time being, become still, watch, listen, and feel. Pretend you are sitting upon your own shoulder and noticing the events as they unfold moment to moment. You may want to write down some of your self-talk as you are learning to witness. Self-talk is what you silently say to yourself as you experience everyday life; this talk may be positive or negative. Many scholars suggest it accounts for our thinking process (Galanis et al., 2016). At any time, you can tune in to this small voice in your head. What does it say? Is it giving you positive messages? Negative feedback?
We have found by engaging in this process that we uncover a lot of taken-for-granted perspectives that cause trouble in interpersonal relationships—not to mention our own self-concept. One of our authors provides this example:
Once I was in a debate with a friend about which action movies were the best: those which created a character that was more “human” or those that emphasized a character’s survival and fight to win at any cost. As we continued that argument, it began to feel more personal—I wanted to prove my point. I noticed how I was getting annoyed and even attacking my friend. I felt triggered! Noticing this, I went into “witness” mode. What was I doing? Why was I so heated about this silly and ultimately meaningless argument? I could see that I was invested not in an exchange of ideas, but in a battle to triumph over my friend. Did it really matter if either of our ideas were right? The more important thing was our friendship, of course. My ability to step back from the actual interaction and watch my thoughts and feelings aided me in becoming aware of the truth in the situation. From this, I learned about my own distorted thinking. Unless we are able to notice our own thoughts, we cannot change them. Witnessing is one step to starting this process!
Take one whole day to simply be a witness to your thoughts, feelings (both physical and emotional), and others’ reactions to you. Do not judge! Just be interested and curious about what you observe and how you react. Write down any reflections you have. Pay attention to thoughts or reactions that trigger you. Do you notice any debilitative reactions that interfere with effective communication? Is there a commonality to the moments you experience anger, sadness, or fear?