6.6: Ineffective Listening Practices
Habits and Pitfalls to Avoid
Not only do we have barriers to listening that we must pay attention to, but also we have all developed some habits in listening that we can change with hard work. Being aware or conscious of the habits we have is the first step to improving how we listen. At the minimum, we can lessen how much we fall into these habits, and with dedicated work, we may be able to eliminate them. These listening pitfalls include pseudo-listening, selective listening, defensive listening, aggressive listening, narcissistic listening, insensitive listening, interrupting, and eavesdropping.
Pseudo-Listening
If you have ever listened to a professor, friend, or family member tell a story while nodding your head politely while your mind was a million miles away, then you have engaged in pseudo-listening. Pseudo-listening is pretending to listen (Adler et al., 2018). It includes behaving as if you are listening by providing nonverbal or even verbal feedback (back-channel cues) and showing you are paying attention when you are not. Most often pseudo-listening is a pitfall that can lead to negative consequences, but the reason for engaging in this practice is not typically done out of malice. Hearing a story repeated, complaints you have heard before or suffering from fatigue or preoccupation can all lead to this. Therefore, pseudo-listening is often used as a politeness strategy.
Imagine a scenario where you have shared something important with a friend and found out that they had not listened to you at all. Although they may have felt they were trying to be a good friend by showing you they were listening, it can cause more harm than good. We should avoid pseudo-listening when possible and should avoid making it a listening habit. Although we may get away with it in some situations, each time we risk being “found out” there could be negative relational consequences. On the other hand, if you catch yourself pseudo-listening, a mindful practice involves admitting to the person speaking to you that you were not being fully attentive and kindly asking them to repeat themselves (while re-engaging your full attention on them).
Selective Listening
Do you have a favorite color? If so, when you look at clothing when shopping do you find yourself drawn to the color that you like most? If so, what you are exhibiting is a preference to stick to something that you already favor. Selective listening is an ineffective listening practice that operates in much the same way. Selective listening means only paying attention to the points someone makes that are important to you, that impact you, or that you agree with. Children may not pay attention to their parents’ conversation until one of them says “You need to have a B average if you want us to pay your car insurance.” Only then do you attend to what your parents are saying. Even friends, roommates, or romantic partners engage in selective listening. If you were sitting and scrolling through Instagram while someone was talking to you, you may not be paying a lot of attention to what is being said until you hear "It's your turn to do the laundry." You may have no interest in doing the laundry. You don't want to do the laundry! But, because the statement has a direct impact on you, you now listen to what is being said. Although this is a relatively benign example that doesn't have significant depth, selective listening can still lead to conflict as someone may feel that you don't find it important to listen to what they have to say.
Defensive Listening
Have you ever been told you were being defensive about something? I think we all know what that means in general, but we don’t often realize it is tied to our listening practices. Defensive listening is a practice of listening where you perceive an attack where one does not really exist. Sometimes this occurs when we feel guilty, or even insecure. We tend to personalize a comment that might be made innocently. For example, imagine that you have a roommate, and they make the following comment: “Gosh, the shower in here sure gets moldy easily.” If you are a defensive listener, you would assume that your roommate was somehow accusing you of not taking better care of the shower. If you both had a rule that said you would wipe the shower down each time you used it, but you had neglected to do so several times, then some guilt might be at work as well!
Recently, one of our students, Reynaldo, shared a great example of defensive listening. He wrote:
I recently began a job at a local fast-food restaurant. One of my main tasks is making tacos and burritos. Lots of tacos and burritos! When I started, my manager and trainer explained how important it was to build these in a specific order. It seemed really easy, but I made a mistake on my first day because I confused the order of the taco and the burrito. I was told that I had made a mistake, and I was pretty upset by it. I wrote notes to myself to bring in and put on the wall where I was working. By the end of my second week, the manager called me into her office. As soon as she said my name, I felt myself start to shake and knew I was going to get in trouble, if not fired. Then she said, “Reynaldo, I just wanted to tell you how impressed I've been with your work these past two weeks. You've really got this down." I felt so stupid because I realized that I had already started listening defensively.
As with many ineffective forms of listening, we may not even realize we are engaged in defensive listening.
Reflection Questions
- Can you think of an example where you engaged in defensive listening at work, at home, or with friends?
- What did you feel when you were listening, and what triggered the defensiveness? How did you react?
- Looking back, what might you have done instead of engaging in this ineffective listening practice?
Aggressive Listening
You might be familiar with the term aggression . Oftentimes people view this as a way that someone can use words or actions that are mean-spirited or violent, as you will see in later chapters. Although somewhat different, there is an ineffective listening practice that holds some similar characteristics to aggression. Aggressive listening, also referred to as ambushing, is an ineffective listening practice where individuals listen specifically so that they can attack back. It is likened to "lying in wait," so you can pounce. People who engage in aggressive listening are prone to attack someone based on their ideas, personality, or other factors that give them a reason to attack. One can see aggressive listening in politics during political debates. Reasons that this type of listening occurs in interpersonal relationships are often centered around a build-up of tension or frustration. Unfortunately, there are times when things come to a head if people don't communicate with each other.
The following scenario shows how egregious aggressive listening can be. Let's assume Crystal wanted to go away for a weekend, so she found Antonio's calendar and looked at what he had planned for the next few weekends. She was able to see that he had made plans for a getaway with someone else and had written in code.
Crystal: "I was wondering if you were planning to book a reservation for a weekend getaway next weekend."
Antonio: "Well babe, I really want to go away with you, but I am not sure what my workload will be."
Crystal: "Really? Do you have a lot of work that you can't get done during the week?"
Antonio: "It's still early in the week, so I'm not going to know until at least Thursday."
Crystal: "Hmmm. Well, do you think that we could talk about this Thursday night?"
Antonio: "Yeah, sure, we can talk Thursday about making a weekend trip, whether we can go over the weekend. If not this weekend, maybe another weekend."
Crystal: "Antonio, that's a load of crap. You already have plans with someone else this weekend and you totally lied, you jerk. Who is 'FS'?! I'm done with you. You're a liar and a cheat."
As you can see, Crystal perceived that Antonio was cheating on her and that led to aggressive listening on her part. Her perception put her into a mode of attack. Little did Crystal know that Antonio was meeting with FS Catering Company to plan her surprise 21st birthday party. Instead, Crystal’s aggressive listening style potentially had detrimental effects on her relationship with Antonio. Do you think a more positive outcome could be achieved had she gotten more information? Asking clarifying questions before making assumptions would have been more productive, and both Crystal and Antonio might have felt better about the exchange and the outcome.
Narcissistic Listening
Some individuals struggle with listening to others because they prefer to be the center of attention. Narcissistic listening is a form of self-centered and self-absorbed listening in which listeners try to make the interaction about them (McCornack, 2019, p. 212). You might consider this type of listener a “stage-hog.” The narcissistic listener will do one of two things to take over the conversation and bring the focus back to them. They might interrupt and re-route the conversation back to themselves, or they might change the topic completely. Being the center of attention is important to them. They may look away from you as though they are bored, they may frown or pout, or they may ignore you or excuse themselves and leave the conversation. When engaging in a shift response —turning the conversation back to themselves—it might seem that they are trying to outdo you or "one-up" you.
Perhaps the following type of conversation sounds familiar:
Constance: "I was really proud of myself! I wanted to paint my dresser because it was so old, so I bought this stuff called 'chalk paint' and I painted my dresser blue this past weekend. It was challenging, but I did it! It came out really well and..."
Brenda (interrupts): "Oh, I've done loads of chalk painting. I actually painted every piece of furniture in my room, and even painted some pieces for my mom. It was so easy."
At times, this type of response is not done maliciously. A conversation may genuinely remind you of something you have done that is similar. A more appropriate response would be to wait until the speaker has finished. Using back-channel cues, you can easily acknowledge the person speaking. When they have finished making their point, acknowledge what you heard and then you might add your contribution to the conversation.
Habitual narcissistic listeners can be identified by continued comments when you are speaking. They may say, “Oh, that reminds me of the time that,” or “I went through the exact same thing,” or “Wait until you hear this one!” An occasional interruption of this type does not mean someone is a narcissistic listener. It is when there are repeated offenses that you see the pattern of this type of listener.
Sometimes you might notice the narcissistic listener changes the topic completely:
Hunter: "Hey, did you see the game Friday night? We scored two touchdowns in the first ten minutes of the game!"
Jacques: "Dude, I now have over 5,000 followers on Tik Tok! I’ve been changing up my workout routine and now I’m getting at least 50 new followers a day!"
At times like this, it would feel appropriate to address the listener's shift response, so that you can continue the conversation or topic you tried to initiate. However, be mindful that too much work on your part to understand the narcissistic listener puts an extra burden on you. If the listener is a true narcissist, you might consider having a conversation with them about their listening habits and how it affects you. If your attempt is unsuccessful, then you might suggest they seek professional help to learn best practices in communication.
Insensitive Listening
If you recall the definition of empathic listening , you will find that insensitive listening is the opposite. Often referred to as “literal listening,” insensitive listening focuses only on the content level of meaning. Insensitive listeners do not explore the nonverbal cues that accompany the message. Imagine if your friend did not pass an exam, and then tells you. Rather than asking questions, or providing an empathetic response, your response is “I guess you didn’t study” or “Yeah, school can be hard.” Neither response will allow your friend to feel positive about the exchange. One’s tone of voice alone can let you know how someone is feeling or we can also look into someone’s eyes to discern sadness or other emotions because insensitive listening can be hurtful.
One of our students shared this story in class: “When I told my mother that I forgot to do my quizzes last week, she just glared at me without saying a word. She didn’t have to say anything because this is how she typically responds to me. I’m a Japanese American student, and our culture is a high-context culture. Most of what I understand about my mom’s feelings is through her nonverbal communication.”
Does your culture impact the type of listening practices you engage in? There is a wealth of research in the area of culture that demonstrates that our communication patterns are learned. Let’s look at how culture can influence messages.
Culture can often impact whether you pay attention to the relational, or underlying meaning of a message or just the words of a message. Low-context cultures emphasize explicit meaning (Hall & Hall, 2001). For example, US culture places great emphasis on words, or literal meaning. We are taught from an early age to “Say what you mean,” or “Use your words.” This can contribute to misunderstanding or not seeing the nonverbal cues that give greater meaning to a message. On the other hand, high-context cultures rely on information that is implicit and nonverbal (Hall & Hall, 2001). Individuals from high-context cultures rely on the context, tone, or other nonverbal behaviors to understand a message, which can then affect the interaction. It is important to note that if you were born in the United States, but your family of origin is from a high-context culture, your method of communication will be largely influenced by your family’s culture.
One of our authors, Professor Leonard, comes from a high-context culture where indicators of listening meant that when she was young she only nodded as a response to her parents, rather than commenting back. She also did not make direct eye contact when listening because at times that could appear to be disrespectful to her parents. This example is probably the opposite of your professor’s expectations of you in a classroom. When you listen in class, your professor might expect you to look them in the eye and participate verbally as a sign of respect. These two scenarios involve very different interpretations of nonverbal communication based on the context of the culture in each situation. These examples demonstrate how culture plays an important role in listening. Great communicators learn to adapt their communication behaviors according to cultural context of the setting and who they are communicating with.
Reflection Questions
- Do you come from a high-context or low-context culture?
- How does your family communicate meaning? Is it through direct communication (words), or more through the nonverbal channel (such as eye contact, or silence?).
- How might you adapt your listening now that you know more about the importance of culture?
Interrupting
Most of us understand what an interruption is, even when we have not defined the term. Simply, interrupting is the unintentional or intentional act of delaying or preventing communication. One of the first communication rules that we remember teaching our children was not to interrupt. It was so important to us to instill proper manners in them, that we developed a code for when they wanted to tell us something if we were talking to other people, either on the phone or in person. We told our children to approach us and put their hand on our arm, or leg, depending on how tall they were at the time. In response, we would take one of our hands and cover their hand. This served as a nonverbal acknowledgment that we were aware that they had something to say. They both learned to wait until there was a break in the conversation, then we would turn to them and ask, “What did you want to tell me?” Sometimes our hands remained in the same place for several long minutes! As you learned in Chapter 5, the regulating function of nonverbal communication means that conversations are based on turn-taking. Whether the turn-taking cues are overt or not, we know when it is our turn to speak.
We try not to interrupt while others are speaking, but sometimes we do unintentionally interrupt. We may have accidentally misinterpreted the turn-taking cue and thought someone was done speaking. In a case like this, it is not a pitfall of listening. There are other times when people are talking excitedly about something and their words or sentences overlap. Back-channel cues can sound like an interruption even if they are just designed to show support.
Occasionally, interruptions are intentional and appropriate. This happened to one of the authors once when a nursing student was giving them a shot, and she was interrupted by her supervisor to tell her that she was inserting the needle at the incorrect angle! Although we am sure that the result would have been no more than an uncomfortable shot, not all situations are the same. These are the times when intentional interrupting is appropriate. Other interruptions are intentional and inappropriate when they are used to control or dominate the conversation.
Consider assessing your own patterns of interrupting. Are you afraid you are going to forget what you want to say? If this is a reason for interrupting, the appropriate course of action is to tell the person you are speaking to that you are sorry to interrupt, and that you just want to get your thoughts out before you forget them. After, you should immediately give the platform back to the other person.
Eavesdropping
You have probably seen at least one television show or comedy where someone is standing with a glass held up to a wall in an attempt to listen to a conversation in the next room. As humorous as these kinds of depictions might be, there can be serious consequences of this ineffective listening practice. Eavesdropping is an ineffective listening practice that involves a strategic attempt to listen to a conversation that you are not a part of. The important distinction between eavesdropping and accidentally overhearing a conversation is the strategy, or plan, to listen to a conversation you are not meant to overhear. If you have ever been out at a restaurant, shopping, or even walking on campus next to someone who is on their cell phone having a conversation, you may have experienced the discomfort or embarrassment of listening to someone arguing with another person. This type of listening situation is circumstantial and not planned.
Eavesdropping, however, means that a person positions themselves physically or technologically closer to a conversation in the hope of listening to what others are saying. There may be a variety of reasons that people eavesdrop, and some of those reasons are altruistic. If you heard someone say “bomb” you might position yourself closer to eavesdrop. However, to simply engage in eavesdropping because you find a conversation interesting or titillating would be violating the privacy of others. When caught, not only would you be embarrassed, but also others could easily be angry with you.
One of our authors shares this example:
I remember a time when a friend told me that she was worried about some of the things her daughter might be doing, so she would routinely position herself outside her daughter’s bedroom to try and listen to her conversations. On more than one occasion the parent listened at the door while her daughter was in a therapy session with her psychologist.
Although a parent may have cause to be concerned about their child, listening at the door could easily lead to a violation of trust and this could harm the relationship greatly. Finally, eavesdropping could lead to you hearing something that is said about you. Although we don’t condone people talking behind others’ backs, there may be reasons to do so before that information is presented to someone.
If you, or someone in your life, has engaged in an ineffective listening practice, it can be beneficial to learn how journaling can help you process the emotions that arise from these practices.
Spend the next week journaling as much of the communication as you can between you and the individuals you live with. If you live alone, you can try this with co-workers or friends.
- Describe the communication interactions that took place and whether you believe they exemplified an ineffective listening practice.
- Interpret what you believe the communicator wanted to convey as you were listening.
- Evaluate how the interaction made you feel.
- Assess what you learned from your evaluation.
The reason that journaling is so important is because it can help us reflect on not only our listening behaviors, but that of others as well. You can use this journal prompt for any of the ineffective listening practices described in this textbook.