8.5: Skills to Support Confirming Communication Climates
Receiving and Giving Feedback
How we respond to negative feedback, criticism, and corrections can reveal a lot about who we are. Do we respond defensively, or do we receive criticism and feedback graciously and with an open mind? Responding negatively to feedback communicates that we are closed-minded and unwilling to learn and change. On the other hand, thoughtfully receiving feedback shows a willingness to adapt, change, and grow.
In this section, we’re going to learn how to respond non-defensively to feedback and criticism, how to manage frustration while remaining professional, and how to provide positive feedback as well.
Responding Non-defensively to Feedback and Criticism
We need to reflect on how we react to criticism from others and develop our skills in responding in a constructive way. That requires us to take the time and make the effort to process the feedback that others give us in different situations. According to an article titled “The Right Way to Respond to Negative Feedback” (Eurich, 2018):
We can’t act on feedback until we truly understand it. Especially when we hear something new, it’s usually a good idea to ask a few trustworthy sources whether they’ve noticed the same behavior. Not only does this give us more detail about what we are doing to create a certain impression, it helps us avoid overcorrecting based on one person’s opinion. After all, as Roman philosopher Marcus Aurelius stated, “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact.”
First off, set your defenses aside and engage your active listening and empathy skills. For empathy, keep in mind that it may be just as difficult for the person giving the feedback as it is for you to receive it. Active listening is important to prevent you from jumping to conclusions and becoming defensive. Additionally, putting defensiveness aside, you may learn something helpful and constructive. Upon receiving feedback, whether in person or in writing, here are some helpful strategies to help you react and acknowledge the feedback.
Use the Feedback WALLET
Consider turning those potentially negative initial reactions to feedback into an opportunity for reflection, planning, and future action. Keep the acronym WALLET in mind, and pull out these helpful suggestions from your “feedback WALLET” to use: W ait, A void attacking back, L isten, L earn, E ngage in planning, and T ake control:
- Wait . Take a moment to digest the information before making any response or decision. Give yourself some time to hear, review, and contemplate the information that is being shared with you. Giving yourself some time to think about and reflect on the feedback can help you avoid jumping to conclusions. This is possibly one of the most important tips to take out of your “feedback WALLET” to use.
- Avoid attacking back . It’s human nature to become defensive when engaged with something unpleasant, like receiving feedback. Listen with an open mind and resist the urge to rebut every point of “criticism” from your communicating partner.
- Listen . Focus your attention and energy on actively listening to the feedback. Identify the key points being made. Ask for clarification and/or examples to help you better understand the messages being shared with you.
- Learn . Reframe the feedback and criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow. Even if you don’t agree with the feedback, there is always something to be learned from how others perceive you.
- Engage in planning . Don’t make excuses. Make a plan instead! Start making a plan of action to correct the issue or work towards a solution. This shows your initiative for problem-solving.
- Take control . “Responsibility” is not the same as “fault.” It’s easy for us to place blame on others or external circumstances. Taking responsibility means taking control of your behavior and responses. Ask yourself, “What can I do differently to get the desired response/results?” By doing this, your perception changes to one of action and looking for opportunities, rather than self-pity and playing the blame game.
Stay Clear of Negative Responses
- Don’t take it personally. Reframe the feedback and criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow. Even if you don’t agree with the feedback, there is always something to be learned from how others perceive you. For example, portray yourself as a gracious recipient of feedback by responding with, “Thank you for taking the time to notice my work and share your thoughts with me.”
- Don’t react right away. It’s human nature to become defensive when engaged with something unpleasant, like receiving feedback. Listen with an open mind and resist the urge to rebut every point of “criticism” from your communicating partner. Ask for time to process and digest the feedback when necessary.
- Don’t argue back. Take this opportunity to listen and learn. Sometimes receiving feedback that seems to conflict with our self-image can make us feel threatened. In this case, rather than respond with something like, “You’re out of your mind! I don’t do that!” It's quite ok for you to use an “I-message”: “I feel surprised that you see my work rushed and sloppy. What can you suggest to help me improve on this?”
- Don’t point fingers and blame others. Remember “responsibility” is not the same as “fault.” It’s easy for us to place blame on others or external circumstances. Taking responsibility means taking control of our behavior and responses. Ask yourself, “What can I do differently to get the desired response/results?” By doing this, your perception changes to one of action and looking for opportunities, rather than self-pity and playing the blame game.
- Don’t make excuses. Start making a plan of action to correct the issue or work towards a solution. This shows your initiative for problem-solving.
Practice P ositive Responses
- Be grateful. Simply thank your communication partner for taking the time to offer their feedback. By thanking your partner, you are not only acknowledging their comments, but you are also showing your open-mindedness.
- Ask questions. It’s OK to ask for clarification if you don’t understand what’s going on or why/how the negative feedback came about.
- Paraphrase and restate what you understood to have heard to ensure that you interpreted the feedback correctly.
- Ask for help. Ask for one or two simple steps that can nudge you towards improvement.
- Aim for mutual satisfaction. Are the proposed corrections mutually agreed upon? As we know from experience, if one side is not happy with something, that side will not follow through.
- Follow-up to follow-through. Hold yourself accountable and schedule a follow-up. That shows your communicating partner your willingness to learn and improve. But don’t wait too long to schedule that follow-up or you’ll lose your momentum.
Managing Frustration while Remaining Professional
No one likes to deal with a Negative Nellie (or Neil). So how do we remain professional when we're feeling frustrated? The definition of professionalism varies, but it generally boils down to being good at what you know and do, maintaining a positive attitude, treating the people you work with respectfully, maintaining a professional appearance, and meeting your professional obligations promptly. However, all of us, at one time or another, have had our professionalism tested by a co-worker, a superior, a client/customer, or an unanticipated situation. How we handle ourselves in these situations directly impacts the communication climate, either positively or negatively. Here are some suggestions:
- Take a deep breath. Pause and give yourself some time to think about how you want to respond. We often end up regretting those “in the heat of the moment” responses. Research indicates that different emotions are linked to different types of breathing (Philippot et al., 2002). For example, when we are feeling stressed or anxious, our breathing tends to be short, shallow, fast, and irregular. On the other hand, deep, slow, and regular breaths are associated with feelings of joy. This study suggests that when we take the time to mindfully breathe deeply and slowly we will begin to associate the corresponding emotions of calm and joy.
- Look for the positives. There is always something to be learned from every situation. According to the Mayo Clinic (2022), positive thinking leads to positive health benefits. While researchers are still not certain why positive thoughts lead to better health, one theory believes that having a positive outlook allows us to handle stressful situations better, thus reducing the harmful effects stress can have on our bodies. Accordingly, focusing on our strengths and not weaknesses will not only help to energize us but will help build on a positive outlook.
- Reframe how you look at the feedback and use it as motivation. Stacey Finkelstein and Ayelet Fishbach (2012) point out that our experience level dictates the kinds of feedback that motivates us. Novices look for encouragement and positive feedback. Experts prefer more critical feedback that could help develop weaker skills. Therefore, put the negative energy and frustration to work for you to find ways you can turn the obstacle into an opportunity. Set new goals and focus your energy on achieving your new goals.
- Remember that you are in control. Don’t forget that you are in charge of your life and what you need to do to be happy and successful. Choose to use the feedback that you decide is useful and lose the feedback that is not helpful or relevant. It is important to “remember that you don't have to use every bit of feedback that comes to you. You have the power” (Furlan & Schneider, 2021).
Giving Constructive Feedback
Providing constructive feedback is a key factor to support a positive and productive environment. Constructive feedback involves providing individuals with timely and meaningful information regarding strengths and weaknesses in their interpersonal interactions as well as concrete steps for improving any areas of weakness thus fostering personal and professional growth. You may think that simply giving feedback is helping the recipient improve. But giving good, positive, and constructive feedback is not an easy task. Here are some things to consider:
- Are you in a position to comment or provide feedback?
- Is the recipient ready to receive your feedback? If not, you’re walking into a negative communication climate that’s not going to get any better. Timing is important.
- Does the other person want your feedback? If the response is no, you’ll have to come up with another way to deal with the problem at hand.
If all the stars align and the recipient is open and ready to engage in a feedback discussion, be sure to keep these three things in mind as you craft your feedback:
- Be positive. Especially when you know the feedback will include criticism, start and end with positives. Sandwiching the criticisms and corrections between the good points and what they are doing right will help your message be received more positively. See Figure \(\PageIndex{3}\) for a diagram of the "Feedback Sandwich" (an accessible text version is linked in the figure caption).
- Avoid using absolutes or negative words. Absolutes include words like always, never, or don’t. Avoiding using absolutes communicates you are open to different interpretations, solutions, and entertaining the “gray” areas. Psychology research has shown that as humans, we tend to focus more on the negatives to try and make sense of our world. Knowing that, try to replace negative words and phrases with positive ones.
- Avoid comparison. According to social comparison theory, it’s natural that we want to compare ourselves to others. But these comparisons also tend to result in resentment and frustration when the comparisons portray us as less than. Stop comparing people and situations.
- Be specific. Avoid using evaluative adjectives and remember to try and use descriptive words that are precise and straightforward. Address specific issues, behavior, or attitudes that can be improved upon and/or changed. If you are suggesting improvements/changes, specify what you expect and how to achieve it.
All in all, for feedback to be positive, it needs to:
- be given and received at the right time and right place;
- be given with positive points and a specific plan of action;
- be based on facts and information directed at working towards a solution.
Jackson Bird presents “constructive feedback” to his audience about interacting with people who identify as transgender. Through his TED Talk on transgender experiences, he discusses topics such as pronouns, bathroom usage, and more, all while bringing humor, empathy, and transparency to the conversation in an effort to bring awareness and acceptance. Watch the TED Talk or read the transcript and then complete the reflection questions.
Reflection Questions
- How does aspects of your identity (race, religion, nation, age, sex, and so forth) shape your understanding of gender?
- After receiving this “feedback” from Jackson, reflect on your own reactions when first meeting someone who identifies as transgender. For example, can you relate to what Jackson talks about in terms of people’s curiosity regarding transgender bathroom use and their sex lives? How do you keep that curiosity in check so as not to offend your communication partner?
- What tips do you find most useful from the TED Talk?
- Based on the information in this chapter on confirming and disconfirming messages, how can you apply the information to improving the way you talk and listen to transgender people?