10.3: Common Relationship Types
Family
How do you define family? There is no right or wrong answer! Families are traditionally defined as the people with whom you are connected by blood, however, that is not a required characteristic. How we define family changes over our lifetimes. For many people, the first understanding of family starts off as the people who raised us or those who were raised among us, which could include biological parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, cousins, foster parents, adoptive parents, extended relatives, close friends, in-laws, and step-family members. As we age, who we identify as a family member continues to evolve as we experience new phases of life. We may move around, grow and mature, live with friends, date, marry, adopt or foster a child, divorce, and remarry. As adults, many people start to look at family membership as less of an involuntary relationship, and more of a voluntary choice.
To begin our discussion, let’s frame family as the people who raised you from childhood through adolescence, whether there is a biological connection or not. In either case, the bonds, experiences, and communication patterns you develop with the people who make up this type of relationship lays a foundation for all your relationships thereafter. This is because they model communication for us, and we learn from their example. The communication skills, norms, and expectations we learn from our families of origin become our starting point for interacting with the world. Let’s examine some common communication patterns within family relationships.
Think about how often you talk to your family. What do you talk about? Do you feel free to speak your mind? Now consider the table below, which again offers two different categories that intersect along two different spectrums.
In Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\), two different communication orientations are represented. Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\) refers to the degree to which family members interact and communicate about various topics. Conformity orientation refers to the degree to which a family expects uniformity of beliefs, attitudes, values, and behaviors. Conversation and conformity orientations intersect to create the following family climates: consensual, pluralistic, protective , and l aissez-faire . In Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\) we see a square, divided into four boxes by two axes. Descriptions of the four types of families follow.
|
Pluralistic = High Conversation and Low Conformity |
Consensual = High Conversation and High Conformity |
|
Laissez-Faire = Low Conversation and Low Conformity |
Protective = Low Conversation and High Conformity |
Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\): Family Types Based on Conversation and Conformity Orientations by Koerner, A. F. and Mary Anne Fitzpatrick is licensed as CC BY -NC-SA 4.0
Pluralistic
Pluralistic families talk a lot ( high conversation ) but do not expect to agree ( low conformity ). Many families might see themselves fitting into this category in general, or on specific topics. For example, topics like the sports or movie genres you each like could be in the pluralistic quadrant, meaning you all share your thoughts on films and games, but disagreement doesn’t ruffle anyone's feathers.
Consensual
Consensual families talk a lot ( high conversation ) and expect to agree ( high conformity ). One topic that might fit here is how a family celebrates any fun family holidays that the entire family looks forward to and enjoys. Other topics might be what religion is observed in the home, or children's plans after college— and in this type of family, despite your personal feelings, you are expected to do what your parents say, with little room for negotiation.
Laissez-Faire
Laissez-faire families talk less ( low conversation ) and do not expect to agree ( low conformity ). A common topic here could be what you like to order from your family's favorite take-out spot. It only comes up when it's time to order, and everyone gets what they want.
Protective
In the protective quadrant families talk less ( low conversation ) and do expect to agree ( high conformity ). A possible topic here could be going to your younger siblings' dance recital. You are just expected to show up, right?
Friendships
How do you define friendship? There is no right or wrong answer. Friendship, like family, is in the eye of the beholder. In essence, friendship is often thought of as a close relationship with a person with whom you have a common interest or connection. Friendship is often considered a voluntary social relationship, but it can become voluntary personal if there is a large amount of contact and self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is when you purposefully share personal information with another individual. It includes the expression of your observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs.
The term chosen families (Weston, 1991) originally referred to families that members of the LGBTQIA+ community formed with friends, community members, and others, when their families of origin excluded them, due to their sexuality or gender expression. In modern times, many of us have formed small groups of intimate friends and neighbors who act as our most trusted companions, essentially like family. The term friendsgiving has become commonplace, indicating that we are sharing Thanksgiving with non-family members, whom we consider close friends (Fetters, 2018).
Reflection Questions
- Do you have a group of close friends you consider to be your chosen family?
- What are the advantages of having non-family members in your intimate group for celebrations, discussions of difficult issues, and support?
- If you do not have a “chosen family,” who would you include in this group?
Common Friendship Types
As with all relationships, friendships look different over time, and as we get older. For adults, in particular, there are three common types of friendships: reciprocal , associative , and receptive .
Reciprocal Friendships
Reciprocal friendships involve people who are equally invested in the relationship. They share a similar appreciation for each other’s company, and a desire to maintain a connection throughout changing circumstances. Perhaps you have a friend whom you have known for a long time, maybe since childhood, to whom you are still connected despite having grown in different ways. This person might even be your “best friend”—someone you feel you can talk to about anything without judgment, and vice versa.
Associative Friendships
Associative friendships are a lighter version of reciprocal friendship. They include people who have the same level of respect and fondness for one another, but they connect less frequently with less depth. In these relationships, the two people involved are more like close acquaintances. They may connect over specific shared interests. For example, maybe you volunteer somewhere and work with the same community of people every week or month. You have likely bonded and grown relatively close within a specific area; however, it is not clear that this relationship extends beyond the boundaries of your specific common interest area.
Receptive Friendships
Receptive friendships tend to have some imbalance of power. Common examples include when you have a friendly relationship with your boss or yoga instructor. These relationships can be very meaningful, however, they can be tricky if the power imbalance gets in the way. When participating in a receptive friendship, it is important to be aware of the possibility that the person who is the supervisor or mentor could take advantage of the power differential in the relationship. This would be an abuse of power.
After reading the section on different types of friendships, could you think of examples from your own life that fit within the three categories?
- Take a moment to name a reciprocal friend. How long have you known this person? What is special about this relationship?
- Can you discuss an associative friend? Where did you meet? Do you ever hang out or talk outside of the place where you have a common interest?
- Is there anyone in your life with whom you have a large power differential, but you would still consider this person your friend? Discuss this receptive friendship and whether you have ever been in a situation where someone with power abused their position within your relationship.
- When you think of these different types of friendships, what norms come to mind? What communication tactics work best to sustain them? Would you call them voluntary, or involuntary? Social, or personal?
- Are friendships free from structure and rules? If not, what rules or norms have you set with your friends?
No matter the circumstance, friendships are a valuable part of our lives. Friendships are often safe spaces for us to be ourselves, to practice having healthy boundaries and experiment with other parts of our personalities. Another type of relationship that can also feel both fulfilling and challenging is a romantic partnership. Let’s examine some nuances and dynamics that may be in place when someone becomes more than a friend.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships, like families and friendships, come in different combinations, shapes, and sizes. They may involve two people, or more for polyamorous relationships (which involve multiple partners). Romantic partners spend time in various ways, depending on the people involved. Often, romantic partners share deep conversations, affection and sexual intimacy, mutual interests, tenderness, and caring. In romantic relationships, there are many different arrangements.
Two people who engage in an interpersonal (or two-person) romantic relationship may identify as any gender or sexuality. For example, one individual in a romantic relationship may identify as gender-fluid (gender identity may change over time and in different situations) and pansexual (attraction to people regardless of their gender or sexual identity), while another may identify as nonbinary and queer . Each of us determines our own gender identity and sexuality. Our sexual identity indicates who we are romantically and sexually drawn to. Discovering your own sexuality is often considered a journey, and you may experience many different types of romantic relationships along that journey.
Every romantic relationship has its own unique communication style based on the people involved. There is no one size fits all relationship. However, there are some common stages experienced in romantic partnerships. Later in this chapter, you will learn about some of the ways in which communication looks differently as romantic partnerships evolve. You will also learn more about communication red flags that might indicate the relationship is no longer serving a healthy purpose in your life.
Before we discuss those various components, let’s unpack one last type of relationship that can have a deep impact on your life: relationships at work. Interestingly, these types of relationships are often underestimated or taken for granted, even though as adults we often spend the majority of our time at work.
Workplace Relationships
Relationships at work are very unique and nuanced. Perhaps you have friends or formed a love interest at the place you are employed or where you serve as a volunteer or intern. All these circumstances impact your interactions differently, but keep in mind that at work we are communicating first and foremost from our professional identity. We will cover more information on relationships at work in Chapter 12.
As you can see, between the four main types of relationships (family, friends, romantic partners, and at work) some overlap exists, as well as key differences. But don’t forget, in these relationships you are the common denominator. With your new deeper understanding of interpersonal communication, you have the ability to shape these relationships to increase the fulfillment for everyone involved. You may also start to notice positive differences and perhaps some disappointments. Remember to practice clear, authentic, and kind verbal and nonverbal messaging, and effective listening. Perhaps most importantly, aim to be empathetic, in all contexts!