10.4: Relationship Stages
Process and Stages Common to Relationships
We have many relationships throughout our lives, and every one of those relationships starts somewhere. The relationship begins and develops, and then sooner or later, it eventually ends. Take into consideration one of your closest friends. Do you remember when you first met them or how your relationship even started? Think even further as to how you two became closer?
Mark Knapp and Anita Vangelisti (2009) looked at how relationships come together, how they are maintained, and how they come apart. They divided relationships into 10 stages, to help us better identify and understand how interpersonal relationships form and dissolve. In this section, we will discuss each of the stages in greater detail. Although the model shown in Table \(\PageIndex{1}\) lists the stages in a specific order, they are not always experienced in such a linear way.
Moreover, relationships are dynamic and constantly changing. Therefore, we may not experience all of the stages. Alternately, we may experience the stages multiple times, or more than one stage may occur at any given time. In short, this model is a starting point. As you read through the various stages, ask yourself what stages you experienced in a recent relationship. Which did you skip? You might consider how culture and identity may influence the relationship stages.
| Process | Stage |
|---|---|
| Coming together |
|
| Coming apart |
|
Coming Together
Knapp and Vangelisti's (2009) model separates relationship stages into two distinct phases: coming together and coming apart. We will start by going through the first five stages, grouped under the coming together phase in the model: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding.
Initiating
When we first encounter a new person, we decide if we want to put in the energy and effort to make contact or start a conversation. This first contact happens in the initiating stage. There are different ways to initiate. Someone may approach you in a store to say “hello, what’s up?” In a different initiation example, a person could smile at you. At the initiation stage, we are primarily interested in making contact with the other person.
Experimenting
After the initiation stage, we move forward to the experimenting stage. At this stage, you are figuring out if you want to continue the relationship and want to get to know the other person. This is where you begin to start to peel back the layers of the onion to learn more about the person on a deeper, more personal level.
Let’s say two people meet on the first day of work. On the second day, during lunch, they talk about their favorite movies and notice they share some interests. In the experimenting stage, interactions tend to be casual. We ask reciprocal questions to look for common ground or similarities, to further build the relationship. Just like the name of the stage, we are experimenting and trying to figure out if we should move towards the next stage.
Intensifying
If after the experimenting stage, we decide to continue the relationship, we typically move to the intensifying stage. During this stage, we share more intimate and personal information about ourselves with the other person. For example, the co-workers who previously discussed common interests may dive deeper to talk about their childhoods, long-term goals, dreams, fears, and desires. Conversations at the intensifying stage become more serious, and the interactions are more meaningful and deep, as the layers of the onion peel away.
Integrating
The integrating stage is where two people truly become a couple and are viewed as a unit. In this stage, they let others know they are dating exclusively. Once a couple enters the integrating stage, friends are more likely to invite both people over for any dinners or events, rather than one or the other.
Bonding
The final stage of the coming together phase is called bonding , where people reveal their relationship to the world. This could be as simple as an Instagram or TikTok post declaring the relationship officially or sending a holiday card together. The bonding stage may include a formal engagement announcement and/or a wedding ceremony. In every case, the couple makes a public announcement of their relationship, to let others know their relationship is real and meaningful.
Coming Apart
The second distinct phase in Knapp and Vangelisti's (2009) model is called coming apart . This phase details the stages that occur as a relationship becomes increasingly distant. In terms of communication, there may be increased conflict or decreased use of positive words in the couple's relationship. The five relationship stages in the coming apart phase include differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.
Differentiating
Differentiating is a process of disengaging or uncoupling. In other words, differentiating is the opposite of integrating. This is where we use communication to purposely divide the relationship or bond. Part of this may involve reclaiming or splitting up friendships that were once mutual. For example, Mark may say to Tarek, “My friends and I are going out for beers tonight, and we would like to have privacy for the evening once we come back to the apartment.”
Circumscribing
To circumscribe means to limit something (Cambridge Dictionary Online, 2021). When people circumscribe in a relationship, communication decreases and certain areas or subjects become restricted as individuals verbally close themselves off from each other. This could be in the form of silence or passive-aggressive behavior. For example, Tarek used to walk with Mark to work each morning, but lately Mark has been leaving the apartment without him.
Stagnating
When a relationship has stagnated , it feels like it is not moving forward any longer or has come to a halt. In some cases, verbal communication slows or may be avoided and the relationship feels strained. For example, Mark and Tarek now have limited communication around the apartment, and barely talk at work anymore.
Avoiding
In the avoidance stage, people stay out of each other’s physical space. For example, you may decide not to go to a specific social gathering when you know that other person will be there. However, when actual physical avoidance cannot take place, people will simply avoid each other while they’re together and treat the other as if they don’t exist. When avoiding, the individuals in the relationship become separate from one another physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Terminating
There are many reasons why a relationship may terminate. Termination can result from outside circumstances, such as geographic separation or internal factors, such as changing values or personalities that lead to a weakening of the bond. Termination may occur through the exchange of verbal or nonverbal messages. One example of nonverbal termination is called ghosting , where one person disappears unexpectedly and never communicates with the other again. In this final stage, Mark and Tarek both move out of the apartment and into separate homes. They stop making plans to see each other. Of course, if one person dies, the relationship, by default, also terminates.