10.5: The Role of Self-Disclosure
Initiating and Forming Romantic Relationships
Think about the last time that you were messaging someone on a dating site like Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, or Grindr, or perhaps the last time you were talking with a new person you met in a class, or even at an event, or maybe work? When we engage with other people and share information about ourselves, we are self-disclosing. Self-disclosure is the process of voluntarily revealing information about yourself to another person, not already known by them.
Self-Disclosure, Social Media, Identity, and Online Dating
Social platforms like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and Twitter, are undoubtedly prevalent in the world of online social networking. Many users self-disclose personal information on these sites, ranging from moods to religious affiliation, relationship status, style, food, travel, and personal contact information. Social platforms offer convenient opportunities to stay in touch with friends, family, classmates, and coworkers. We also have apps designed for dating, and meeting potential romantic or sexual partners. Dating services and apps like Grindr, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Scruff, Christian Mingle, Black People Meet, Plenty of Fish, Match, EHarmony, OkCupid, and more were created to bring people together.
Social media and self-disclosure create a dialectic tension between openness and closedness of one's self. What do you share about yourself online and what don't you share? What aspects of your identity do you put on your profile and what aspects of your identity do you hide or not place at the forefront? It's interesting and quite eye opening when we take a step back to look at what we self-disclose about ourselves online.
Reflection Questions
- What do you self-disclose online? What do you usually disclose in your biography or profile summary section of the dating apps or services you're on?
- Based on your online identity and profile, are you comfortable disclosing your age, religious affiliations, ability, sexuality, and other aspects of your identity?
- What aspects of your identity and culture do you freely disclose online? What aspects of your identity are you more likely to protect or delay disclosing?
- Do you target certain apps based on your identity and culture?
Johari Window
The Johari window can help us examine self-disclosure in relationships. Displayed in Figure \(\PageIndex{3\), the Johari window examines what information we have about ourselves, as well as the information others know about us (an accessible text description is linked in the figure caption). Based on the combination of our self-knowledge and others’ knowledge about us, there are four types of selves: Open Self, Closed Self, Blind Self, and Unknown Self. Let’s examine each of these.
Open Self
The Open Self represents the parts of ourselves we know well, and that we choose to share or self-disclose to others. This typically includes items like our name, hobbies, likes, and dislikes. The amount of information that is openly known to others varies, based on the relationship. Imagine you are on a first date. You have just met this person. What information about yourself are you willing to share? As we get to know someone, we tend to self-disclose more information. As we self-disclose more information, the size of our Open Self increases. Each person gets to choose the size of their Open Self, and this can be different in distinct relationships.
One of our authors shares this example:
When I was in college, I shared mostly surface information with most of my classmates, keeping the size of my Open Self small. As a work-study student, I cleaned dishes at one of the campus dining halls to help pay my tuition. I became very close with another work-study student in dining, as we felt more comfortable sharing about the challenges of balancing work and school, as well as dealing with financial aid and student loans. When I self-disclosed more personal information to my work-study friend, my Open Self became larger.
Closed Self
The Closed Self (also sometimes called the Private Self ) represents the parts of ourselves we know well, but that we choose to keep secret or not tell others. With someone we know well and trust, we tend to have a larger Open Self and a smaller Closed Self. Let’s say Jean has known her girlfriend Kennedy for three years. They get along well, have high trust in their relationship, and also live together. In this situation, Jean is likely to self-disclose more freely with Kennedy, and due to this, her Closed Self would be smaller. However, Jean shares only surface information with her colleagues at work. In her work relationships, Jean's Closed Self or Private Self is much larger.
We keep information about ourselves from others in order to protect ourselves. For example, when Jean gets a phone call from Tom, someone trying to sell her a magazine subscription, she would be hesitant to provide information about herself other than her name. When Tom asks Jean to talk about how many magazines she subscribes to, she may or may not provide this information. If she chooses not to self-disclose, Jean keeps this part of herself within the Closed Self. The size of the Open Self is directly proportional to the size of the Closed Self. In other words, people with a large Open Self have a small Closed Self or Private Self. Individuals with a large Private Self or Closed Self have a small Open Self.
Blind Self
The Blind Self may be the most interesting quadrant on the Johari window. The Blind Self represents the parts of ourselves that other people know well, yet we are unaware of this information about ourselves. How can this happen? Imagine that Antony has a check-in meeting with his supervisor. In this meeting, Elena (Antony’s supervisor) praises him for his work ethic. Antony says “Thank you, I value your opinion.” In the next sentence, however, Elena states, “that is why I need to talk with you about lowering your voice in the office. It has come to my attention that when you speak on the phone at your desk, everyone else in the office can hear everything you say. It has become an issue for other employees, who also need to make phone calls and perform in a relatively quiet environment.” Antony is shocked. No one in the office, up until this point, has said anything to him about his loud voice, yet it seems many people know this about him. In this example, Antony’s loud voice had been part of his Blind Self until his supervisor brought it up. He was unaware that his voice is so loud that it disrupts other people’s work in his office space.
As in the example with Antony, information may be part of our Blind Selves when others are reluctant to share this information with us. Perhaps others are afraid to share this information because they do not want to damage the relationship or they believe they will hurt the other person’s feelings. Information may also be part of the Blind Self due to a person’s ineffective listening skills or low self-monitoring. Perhaps other people have asked Antony to lower his voice or used nonverbal communication to indicate to him that he should quiet down. For some reason, Antony never got the message until today. Once Antony finds out this piece of information about himself, it is no longer part of his Blind Self. Now it is part of his Open Self, since the information is known both by others and himself.
Unknown Self
The Unknown Self represents the parts of our selves that no one knows. It is difficult to think about what the Unknown Self may include, since neither we nor others are aware of this information. Sometimes this information is buried deep in our subconscious, due to trauma or because there was an event that happened when we were young, and we cannot remember. For example, when JD was less than 2 years old, his family was awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. JD’s parents grabbed them from bed, rushed them out of the house, and had to stand outside in below freezing temperatures until the fire department could put a small fire out in the garage. Although JD has no memory of this incident, any time they hear a fire or car alarm or smell smoke, their heart races, their blood pressure increases, and they get very emotionally upset. Without a memory of this event, JD cannot explain this strong reaction to alarms or the smell of smoke. That part of themselves would be considered the Unknown Self.
Uncertainty Reduction Theory
The second theory we will discuss as we explore self-disclosure is the uncertainty reduction theory ( URT ). URT helps us to understand why we initiate communication with people, as well as why we continue to build and maintain relationships with them. Uncertainty reduction theory states that we pursue knowledge about others in order to reduce or resolve anxiety associated with the unknown. According to URT, humans use three basic strategies: passive , active , and interactive , to reduce uncertainty and increase predictability and the feeling of safety when interacting with others. Let’s start with an example: Keisha saw a photo of Lidia on a dating app, and she is interested in her. Let’s look at how the three strategies of URT might help Keisha to feel safe moving forward with getting to know this potential romantic partner.
Passive, Active, and Interactive Strategies
The passive strategy refers to observing someone from afar, sort of like being a fly on the wall. In this case, Keisha did a Google search on Lidia before moving forward with requesting a date. The Google search revealed that Lidia worked at a local nonprofit organization. This information encouraged Keisha to move forward with the active strategy.
The active strategy involves getting information about the person from another source, generally a friend, family member, or co-worker. Keisha has a friend who works at the same nonprofit as Lidia, so was able to ask this person questions about Lidia’s interests and personality.
Finally, the interactive strategy focuses on a direct exchange of information with the other person. After using the passive and active strategies to find out more information about Lidia, Keisha messaged Lidia directly and engaged in a conversation with mutual self-disclosure. The interactive strategy allows for the most in-depth and direct exchange of information. Thus, Keisha used all three strategies to gain information about Lidia. These three strategies help us not only to reduce uncertainty about others but also to more accurately predict future behavior.
Now that we have explored many of the theories associated with the formation of love relationships, we will discuss strategies for maintaining romantic relationships.
Attributions
Social Penetration Theory by Kerry Osborne on Libretexts licensed as CC BY 4.0.
Foundations of Relationships by Victoria Leonard on Libretexts licensed as CC-BY 3.0.
Self-disclosure and Interpersonal Communication by Anonymous on Libretexts licensed as CC-BY 3.0.