10.6: Couple Communication
Interpersonal Communication in Romantic Relationships
Although there are many types of relationships, including polyamorous, this book is about interpersonal communication. Therefore, we will focus on couples' communication within two-person love relationships. This section discusses research-based models of effective couples’ communication. To that end, we will start by examining two well-known couples therapy models: The Gottman method and emotionally focused therapy (EFT). Each of these evidence-based models has shown both short- and long-term effectiveness in improving love relationships, with over 30 years of practice and research. Both the Gottman method and EFT emphasize how improvements in couple communication are essential to marital satisfaction.
Every therapy (individual, couple, or family) starts with either a cognitive, emotional, or behavioral approach. No matter whether therapy begins with behavior, feelings, or thoughts, changes in one of these internal systems inevitably lead to changes in the other two. In order to create real change, whether in a person’s thought process, actions, or emotions, there must be a change to their core beliefs. At the end of the day the goal is to positively change all three of these areas. However, different therapies start at different places. Cognitive behavioral therapy begins with cognition, while emotionally focused therapy starts with emotions. The Gottman method is unique, in that couples are asked to begin by changing their behaviors (how they communicate with each other).
Gottman Method
A huge strength of the Gottman method of couples therapy lies in the amount of research, careful statistical analysis, and improvements made to the method over the years. One of the most interesting factors in the Gottman method is the reliance on the coding and analysis of couples’ facial expressions during the conflict. Using coding tools, Gottman developed a process to determine participants’ emotions during conflict (based on their facial expressions), and he has since become somewhat of a phenomenon in determining whether a couple will stay together or break up with a very high degree (93.6% accuracy) of success (Buehlman, 1992). By exploring the major assumptions of the Gottman method, as well as basic tools and strategies to improve couples’ communication, we can learn a lot from his findings.
As stated previously, Gottman uses the information he gathers to predict whether couples will divorce, stay together, and have high or low satisfaction in their relationships. Through years of research, Gottman (1999) has narrowed down the predictors of divorce/breakup to six categories: harsh startup, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and flooding .
A harsh startup occurs when a conversation begins with unpleasant words or a critical or sarcastic tone. For example: “What the hell are you doing home so early?” This typically starts a chain of events that eventually leads to a less than satisfactory ending. In Chapter 9 you learned about what Gottman refers to as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). Briefly, criticism involves putting the other person down, while contempt sends a message of condescension and disrespect. This can be done with words or facial expressions. Imagine your romantic partner raising their voice to you and saying sarcastically, “This is how you clean the kitchen?” The criticism is about your lack of cleaning skills and the contempt is the raised voice and sarcasm.
Defensiveness refers to when one person puts up a psychological wall to guard against any accusation that they have done something wrong. Additionally, in this context, people often become defensive in response to criticism, then take turns criticizing their partner. For example, if Jay’s partner says: “I thought you were going to clean the kitchen—you are a slob,” Jay might get defensive and say: “Well, if you earned more money, we could hire someone to clean the kitchen.” Notice how Jay does not take responsibility for not cleaning the kitchen, while at the same time turning the criticism around on their partner.
Stonewalling is when we ignore the other person. For example, have you ever tried calling someone’s name over and over again, but they are too ingrained in their book to acknowledge you? Whether intentional or not, stonewalling can cause the ignored person to feel frustrated and angry. When this happens, they may lash out with verbal accusations and mean-spirited language. Hearing this type of anger and lack of love from a romantic partner can result in flooding. Flooding is a temporary state of physiological arousal that does not allow the person experiencing it to listen or participate meaningfully in a conversation. People who experience flooding typically have a heart rate above 100 beats per minute and may appear to others to be checked out or in another place.
Gottman summarized these predictors of divorce, along with the communication behavioral strategies he suggests to increase couple satisfaction, in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999; republished in 2015). Without going into details of each strategy for success, here are the basic communication strategies that Gottman’s method recommends for couples:
- Make time to talk and connect, in order to maintain emotional closeness.
- Express positive admiration and affection for each other. Gottman states that this is the cure for contempt and suggests a 5 to 1 ratio of positive, as opposed to negative comments about your partner.
- Listen with your whole body for times when your partner wants to share time, space, conversation, or activities with you, and respond in positive ways.
- Learn how to use and receive repair attempts (verbal or nonverbal methods to increase positive feelings) while in the midst of a conflict. Examples include making your partner laugh or smile in the middle of an argument by giving them a hug, telling a joke, or simply taking a pause from a heated discussion to remind the other person that you love them.
- When managing conflict with your partner, treat them like your best friend.
- Establish and maintain a safe space for each partner to be transparent and reveal challenges, doubts, and other difficult information.
- Discuss and create ways to express the shared meaning of your relationship. Here, the key is going beyond the business of being a couple (for example, who takes out the garbage or changes the diapers) to a higher purpose (for example, how we honor our ancestors or strive to improve the environment).
The goals of the Gottman method are to increase connectedness, safety, and trust within the relationship. Gottman literally calls this the “sound relationship house,” which is a beautiful way to state that a good relationship is a welcoming place to call home. The walls of the house are represented by trust and commitment, meaning that these are necessities for any relationship to flourish. In the over 40 years that Gottman has researched and improved his model, he has found that starting with behavioral practices and helping couples improve their everyday communication skills leads couples to think more positively about each other (improved cognitions) and to feel more in love and connected (more positive emotions).
Emotionally Focused Therapy
As opposed to the behavioral approach taken by the Gottman method, emotionally focused therapy (EFT) starts by supporting the couple to create a safe space where they can express vulnerable emotions. Repairing the bond between the couple is central to EFT. In therapy sessions, the counselor focuses on helping partners listen to and process each other’s emotions.
Sue Johnson, who developed EFT, states that “emotions are the music of the dance between lovers,” (Johnson, 2014). Therefore, the basic principles of EFT according to Johnson are to “create a more secure emotional bond,” help couples get out of repetitive negative patterns of interaction, and increase positive trust and security. Chapter 2 covered attachment theory and attachment styles in great detail. EFT assumes partners who have insecure attachment bonds from their childhood take the pain and emotional hurt into their adult lives and relationships. Therefore, therapy to heal the couple’s relationship must begin with allowing the individuals to feel safe to express vulnerable emotions. The therapist’s job includes supporting the couple to maintain emotional safety while helping them towards more positive interactions.
As part of her work on EFT, Johnson developed Hold Me Tight: Program, which guides couples to understanding and fully accepting their attachment to their partners. To reach this goal, Johnson (2008) walks couples through what she calls “seven healing conversations,” which are titled as follows:
- Recognizing the Demon Dialogues
- Finding the Raw Spots
- Revisiting a Rocky Moment
- Engaging and Connecting
- Forgiving Injuries
- Bonding through Sex and Touch
- Keeping Love Alive
In engaging couples in purposeful interpersonal communication, while supporting them to improve listening, she helps them to empathize with each other. This process strengthens couples’ connections, creating greater trust. The improved bonds the couples share allow them to help each other heal past attachment wounds. Both the Gottman method and emotionally focused therapy include sexual communication as an important part of a couple’s communication. Let’s talk about sexual communication, then touch on jealousy and love languages.
Sexual Communication
Defined as a combination of interpersonal disclosure, quality, and frequency of communication around and about sex (Metts & Cumpach, 1989), sexual communication is not often discussed in the Interpersonal Communication classroom. Sexual communication is unique and different from other types of intimate communication, as many couples find it difficult to express themselves for fear of threatening the relationship. We know that sexual communication is highly correlated with relational and marital satisfaction (Montesi, et al., 2011). Every couple—and for that matter, every person—is different in terms of the frequency and types of sexual interactions they desire. The common thread, however, is that the quality of sexual communication, both verbal and nonverbal, has a strong effect on overall happiness.
Some of our understanding of sexual communication may feel like common sense, but we also know from both Gottman and Johnson’s research that trust, connectedness, and security are important themes for marital success. Sexual communication affects a couple’s ability to feel safe, express vulnerability, and experience joy with each other. Furthermore, emotional intimacy and sexual communication are closely related. Interestingly, there is a predictable trend in couple satisfaction with sexual communication. We know that in long-term committed relationships, the peak of satisfaction with sexual communication occurs as the couple establishes their commitment to each other (Wheeless et al., 1984). We also know that couple’s desires for sexual interaction change over time. Effective sexual communication is key to couple satisfaction during these times of transition.
Unfortunately, there is limited research into sexual communication for couples in the LGBTQIA+ community. Education that may occur in high schools or colleges likely assumes a heteronormative society and lacks representation from LGBTQIA+ participants and instructors. There is a gap in published research and academic literature regarding the sexual health of couples where at least one identifies as a sexual minority (Greene et al, 2015). If information about sexual communication is hard to find for heterosexual couples, it is many times more difficult for those who identify as LGBTQIA+. A search of reliably pro-LGBTQIA+ organizations, such as the Trevor Project and the GSA Network reveal a lack of networks, information, or education on sexual communication as well. This is an area that desperately deserves attention moving forward.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a complex emotion, generally triggered by the fear of losing a valued relationship with someone, due to a change in circumstances or due to another person. People express jealousy in a variety of ways; it is not surprising to see expressions of anger, sadness, withdrawal, or clinging behavior when jealousy occurs. We also seem to carry shame around the emotion of jealousy. Although it is a natural and normal feeling, we know it is not attractive or desirable to be jealous, so we tend to have difficulty expressing ourselves clearly when that feeling comes on. Instead, we try to find other strategies to “win back” our coveted relationship, or in some cases, to hurt the new person we are jealous of.
As you might imagine, jealousy can lead someone to behave in ways that are unhelpful, hurtful, and in some cases frightening to others. Expressing our jealousy honestly, both to ourselves and to those we care about, is the healthiest way to move forward with this strong emotion. For example, saying to a romantic partner: “I love and care about you. You have been spending a lot of time working late and then hanging out with co-workers. I admit I am jealous they get to see you more than I do.” This allows your partner to hear your positive feelings, as well as your emotional openness. At the least, this opens up the possibility for a conversation about your relationship.
Love Languages
How we express and receive love and care from others varies from person to person. In 1992, Gary Chapman published his book The Five Love Languages, which posits that humans have five major ways or categories for giving and receiving love.
- Words of Affirmation include saying or hearing the words “I love you.”
- Quality Time involves spending time with another person doing what they love.
- Gifts include providing the other person with candy, flowers, jewelry, or other items that make them feel special.
- Acts of Service are when you support the other person by taking responsibility off of their plate (for example, cleaning the kitchen or washing the car).
- Physical Touch involves holding hands, hugging, and other acts of physical affection.
Since individuals have different preferences and ways of receiving expressions of love, it is helpful to have a conversation with others you care about, if you want to demonstrate your love for them in a way they will truly appreciate. For example, on a date night, you could say to your romantic partner, “I want you to feel loved and cared for. Of these five love languages, which one or two most appeals to you?” Of course, it is also helpful to clarify your preferred love language(s) for the people in your life who care about you.
If we do not check in with our loved ones regarding our preferred love languages, we can miscommunicate, which could lead to negative feelings in the relationship. For example, let’s say your best friend’s preferred love language is quality time. This friend simply wants to hang out and talk. Not understanding your friend’s preference for quality time, you may have provided the friend with a gift to show your appreciation in the past. Perhaps your friend seemed confused or unappreciative of the gift, and this led to hurt feelings. Simply having a conversation about love languages could clear up this confusion.
In a New York Times article, Brianna Holt (2020) explored the importance of advocacy as a love language for interracial couples. According to the Pew Research Center (Livingston & Brown, 2018), one in six newlywed couples considers themselves interethnic or interracial. Support, listening, and the ability to hear the other person’s perspective are important components in a successful committed partnership no matter what, but especially when there are ethnic or cultural differences.
Where does advocacy fit into the partnership and, is it a love language, as Holt suggests?
Questions for Discussion:
- If one person experiences bias or discrimination due to their race or ethnic background, how can their partner demonstrate advocacy?
- How important is it for couples from different ethnic and/or racial backgrounds to openly discuss their culture?
- What are the best ways for couples with different cultural practices to negotiate holiday celebrations, family get-togethers, and even what food to prepare for specific occasions?