11.1: Introduction to the Dark Side of Communication
Overview of Negative Relational Communication
Like the dark side of the moon, the dark side of relationships can be found to co-exist in the same entity as the light side. We need to explore and understand it not in itself but in its relation to everything else that has ever been learned about relationships. (Duck, 1994, p. 20)
On any given day our communication may involve both positive and negative exchanges. In their landmark book The Dark Side of Communication , Spitzberg and Cupach (1997) looked at parts of interpersonal communication that were often considered undesirable and thus were not widely studied. In recent years, research on the dark side of communication has grown, largely due to acknowledgment that not all aspects of interpersonal communication are positive, and due to changing social norms where people are simply “meaner and nastier” to their relational partners than in the past (Kowalski, 2019, p. 6).
The dark side of communication consists of two key dimensions: the degree to which something is considered acceptable by society and the degree to which something serves to improve a relationship (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). The light and dark sides of communication are tied to each other as acceptable behaviors can lead to negative outcomes and unacceptable behaviors can lead to positive outcomes. Awareness of the negative side of relational communication is an essential step in preventing these problems from occurring in the first place. In this chapter, we pull back the veil on the dark side of communication to reveal deception, jealousy, social media, bullying, intimate partner violence, emotional abuse, secret tests, and other potentially harmful aspects of relationships. We will close with a review of the communication skills you have learned throughout this text to help you respond effectively to the dark side. We want to acknowledge that some of the content may be emotionally challenging and difficult to process and that your safety and well-being is our primary concern. In this chapter we also share resources to support your emotional and physical well-being.
Perception Is Key
Whether you believe a communication behavior falls on the light or the dark side, may in large part be determined by how you perceive the situation, type of relationship, and the other person’s intentions to be. Numerous factors can determine whether someone perceives a communication behavior to be aversive or not (Kowalski, 2019). Inspired by Kowalski’s 2019 book, Behaving Badly: Aversive Behaviors in Interpersonal Relationships , we have created a set of questions to ask yourself to help understand if communication in your relationships falls on the dark side:
- Do certain people in your life leave you feeling like you doubt yourself and questioning your perceptions? Certain communication behaviors from the dark side can negatively impact our self-concept and self-esteem.
- Is there a power imbalance in the relationship? Relationships with power imbalances, such as between a boss and employee or parent and child, are more likely to experience aspects of the dark side.
- How close are you to the other person? The closer the relationship, the more likely we experience pain when faced with communication from the dark side.
- How frequent is the questionable communication behavior? A one-time transgression can be forgiven, but negative repeated behaviors are more likely to fall into the dark side.
- How severe is the communication behavior? Mild behavior may be accepted, but even a one-time severe occurrence can derail a relationship.
- Does the behavior interfere with your basic psychological needs, such as the need to belong, have a sense of control, and experience self-esteem?
As you reflect on your answers to these questions, you may notice that there are a variety of communication behaviors that fall into both the light and dark sides of communication. In the rest of this chapter we review some of the most common forms of communication that cast a shadow on relationships, including deception, secret tests, jealousy, gaslighting, verbal aggression abuse, and social media.