11.2: Deception and Gaslighting
Defining Deception
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you chose to tell a lie? Perhaps you were late to a meeting and blamed the traffic when really you just didn’t get ready in time. Maybe you found yourself telling someone they looked nice in an outfit even though you thought the outfit wasn’t suitable for them. Or perhaps you decide it is OK to disclose to a partner about your past relationships, but you decide to leave out key details. In what contexts do you feel it is acceptable to tell someone something other than the truth?
The first concept we will explore in the dark side of communication is the idea of deception . Whether or not you think it is OK to deceive someone probably includes consideration of what is at stake to you in terms of the risk to your relationship. This will determine whether or not you see any level of deception as acceptable to engage in for that particular relationship.
What do you think this means in a relationship when a relational partner decides to deceive someone? This theory focuses on how and why people engage in deception and try to get away with it and how the other person tries to figure out whether or not to believe it. Recall a time when you lied and someone questioned whether you were telling the truth. How did you respond? Or consider a time when you thought someone lied to you—how did you react and how did they respond back to you? Usually, when someone tries to deceive us and we are trying to figure out what is going on, we monitor our responses to figure out what to do next.
Whether or not a relationship can overcome deception really depends on that interplay between how someone responds when faced with deception and how the deceiver responds back in order to repair the relationship. In this next section, we will overview the types of deception.
Types of Deception
Let’s identify the different types of deception that might occur in a relationship: deception by omission (concealment) and deception by commission (lying) . These two types of deception differ according to the level of distortion that is involved and how much potential impact there is on a relationship because of how this deception is perceived.
Deception by Omission
Concealment , or deception by omission , involves intentionally holding back some of the information another person has requested, or you are expected to share. For example, a relational partner might ask why you didn’t respond to their text last night and you could say you were busy, while leaving out who you were busy with. Do you think lies by omission are detrimental to a relationship? What might happen if your relational partner finds out you have held back some information? Omitting information can violate relational expectations and can have an impact on the trust and intimacy that was already built in the relationship. As discussed in the chapter on building and maintaining interpersonal relationships, building trust is an important aspect of our relationships and we engage in self-disclosure and communication behaviors that help to build such trust. If our relational partners find out that we have violated their expectations of trust and undermined it through deception by omission, the trust in the relationship will automatically decline. You will then have to spend some time determining how to repair such a relationship.
Deception by Commission
Simply put, this is lying . When we commit deception by commission , we deliberately communicate false information. This type of deception goes beyond just a strategic withholding of information. When there is deception by commission, there is an intentional level of control of both the quantity and quality of information the relational partner receives. This type of deception includes:
- Lies of convenience (commonly referred to as white lies) : This is when information is presented as slightly false and there may be minimal consequence to presenting the information as such. Oftentimes these white lies are communicated to enable one to feel less guilty or to ensure that someone’s feelings are not hurt. When one of the authors of this chapter was pregnant, they asked their husband if they looked OK in an outfit. Sometimes he said "yes." Once, when they were wearing an orange maternity dress, he said "You look like a pumpkin" and the author immediately started to cry. Would it have been better for him, in that case, to tell a white lie and just say “yes”? What purpose do white lies serve? They usually function as social lubrication—for purposes of smoothing over a relationship and keeping a relationship friction-free.
- Lies of exaggeration : An exaggeration is a type of deception by commission that includes the embellishing of facts or the stretching of the truth (which can get more elaborate over time). When someone exaggerates or overstates by playing with the boundaries of what is considered factual or truthful, this type of misrepresentation can lead to mistrust in a relationship given the blurring of boundaries between truth and fiction.
- Bald-faced lies : A bald-faced lie is a type of deception that involves an outright falsification of information. When you communicate a bald-faced lie, there exists an intent to truly deceive someone. With a bald-faced lie, there is going to be a greater emotional impact or consequence to the relationship if the lie is discovered as the risk of destroying trust in a relationship is greater.
Why Do We Deceive?
If we know that deception in a relationship carries with it the risk of destroying the trust we have built in our relationships, why would we decide to deceive someone in the first place? There are many reasons we might contemplate or use to determine and justify why it is OK to engage in any act of deception.
- Altruistic, or to protect and avoid hurting someone (their resources, self-image, or safety)
- Self-serving and for personal gain; to avoid undesirable consequences (negative consequences)
- To gain resources such as time, money, affection, and status
- To avoid harm or loss of resources
- To protect one’s self-image and save face
- For entertainment
Reflect on your past relationships and times you have engaged in any level of deception or felt you were deceived, and consider why. Do these reasons seem reasonable to you? We may find we can justify reasons (big or small) on why we might need to deceive in a relationship, but we also have to consider the short-term and long-term effects on a relationship if deception becomes commonplace.
Every communication act has a consequence, and we should be prepared to accept these consequences should we choose to engage in any form of deception in our relationships. First and foremost, as indicated earlier, if our relational partners find out we have withheld any information and they perceive us to be lying, there will necessarily be some kind of harm to the relationship and/or a loss of trust. We should expect the relational partner to be more guarded on whether to completely trust us in future interactions. There may also be collateral damage or harm to others who aren’t directly involved simply because they are in your orbit and may peripherally experience an after effect of the deception. Finally, deception can bring on other relational consequences such as punishment, damage to your reputation, or even a lingering guilty conscience that can get in the way of future carefree and open conversations.
Given these reasons/effects, do you advocate that deception or lying is necessary to some extent in a relationship?
The novel Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty (and the subsequent mini-series that stemmed from it) depicts five main characters who are each faced with keeping secrets. These secrets vary in their depth and degree and the characters are seen grappling with how to best navigate keeping these secrets and to who they deceive versus disclose the truth too. Each of the women has different motivations for why they choose to deceive and each ends up having to deal with the different impacts and affects their deception has on their relationships with each other and others around them.
Gaslighting
Common Forms of Gaslighting
- blaming the other person for the problem
- minimizing the seriousness of the event
- diminishing the other person’s self-concept
- ridiculing the other person
- verbal attacks
- changing the subject
- blatant lying
- denial that something occurred
How to Respond to Gaslighting with Communication Competence
It is important to recognize that over time gaslighting can have damaging effects on an individual's self-concept, mental health, and overall well-being. If you find yourself using the gaslighting techniques described earlier, work on breaking the cycle by developing your assertiveness, emotional intelligence, and conflict management strategies to better address problems as they arise. If you believe that someone in your life is gaslighting you, it is worthwhile to develop a communication response strategy: