11.3: Jealousy, Secret Tests, and Gossip
Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster
As with other aspects of the dark side of communication, jealousy can serve both negative and positive functions in relationships. Previous research has suggested that jealousy is related to six communication functions: preserving self-esteem, maintaining (protecting) the relationship, reducing uncertainty about both the primary and rival relationship, restoring balance in the relationship, and reassessing the relationship (Guerrero & Anderson, 1996). One potentially positive outcome of jealousy is that it can motivate people to take steps to improve their relationship (Henniger & Harris, 2014), such as investing time and effort in the relationship. Nonetheless, jealousy has been linked to relationship dissatisfaction, and increases in deception and relationship violence (Elphinston, et al., 2013; Guerrero, et al., 2005).
The green-eyed monster of jealousy can show itself in different forms, including cognitive, behavioral, or emotional jealousy (Guerrero & Andersen, 1998). Cognitive jealousy occurs when you experience negative thoughts about your partner’s behavior or a third party whom you believe is interfering in your relationship. For example, if someone starts texting your partner late at night, sending pictures and flirtatious messages, you may find yourself questioning the other person’s motives. Emotional jealousy refers to the emotions that are mixed in with your jealous experience, such as hurt, anger, and fear. Last, behavioral jealousy occurs when you take steps to monitor your partner, such as checking their phone, tracking their location, or trying to limit and/or control who they associate with.
What is the best way to manage feelings of jealousy when they arise? Think back through your own life and consider what you find to be the healthiest response to jealousy. Research has shown that using a “self-reliance” strategy may work the best (Salovey & Rodin, 1988). This approach calls for you to acknowledge your feelings while not letting the triggering event derail you from what you were doing. Furthermore, research suggests that following up the triggering event with calm discussions about jealous feelings (self-disclosure) and demonstrating increased affection toward partners lead to the most positive outcomes in these situations (Kennedy-Lightsey, 2018).
Secret Tests
Research has largely examined the use of secret tests in romantic relationships, but these strategies to reduce uncertainty can also be found in family, friend, and work relationships. Secret tests are included as a type of communication from the dark side because they can be manipulative, hurtful, and negative. There are several types of secret tests.
Types of Secret Tests
- Third-party tests : The third-party technique involves going through the other party's friends or family to learn their feelings. For example, imagine that AJ has a crush on Sophia. Rather than reaching out to Sophia, AJ connects with Sophia’s friends through social media to find out if she is single and if she might be interested in talking.
- Triangle tests : Triangle tests involve using a third party to make your partner jealous. For example, Layla and Aaron go to a party and Aaron talks to other girls to try and make Layla jealous.
- Fidelity tests : Fidelity tests involve whether or not your partner remains faithful. For example, Jada leaves her partner alone with someone very attractive to see how they respond.
- Directness tests : Directness tests involve making specific statements or self-disclosures in the hope that the other person will reciprocate. For example, Mateo tells Elena “I think I am falling in love with you” in hopes that Elena will confess to the same feelings.
- Separation tests : Separation tests involve increasing the physical distance between partners (such as geographically) to see if the relationship can withstand the distance. For example, Belle and James go away to school on opposite sides of the country to see if their relationship can withstand being apart.
- Endurance tests : Endurance tests involve introducing costs to the relationship to see how the other person responds. There are three typical endurance tests: negative behavior, self-criticism, and effort tests. Negative behavior involves treating your partner poorly to see if they will put up with the behavior. Self-criticism entails criticizing oneself, so much that it is irritating, to see if your partner will disagree and defend you. Effort tests involve making demanding requests of the partner to see how committed they are to the relationship.
- Public presentation tests : Public presentation occurs when individuals test their relationship status through public declarations about the relationship status, such as introducing someone as their significant other or changing their relationship status on social media.
- Indirect suggestion tests : Indirect suggestion tests include roundabout strategies like joking about the relationship status and nonverbal indicators such as increasing touch through hand-holding and hugs. For example, Kaia frequently jokes with Jamie, calling them "girlfriend" to see how they react.
As you review secret tests in relationships, you may recognize occasions where other people used this form of communication with you, or that you used these techniques on others. It can be helpful to develop competent communication strategies to respond to secret tests.
Communication Strategies to Respond to Secret Tests
It is important to recognize that secret tests can break down trust in relationships. If you find yourself using any of the secret tests listed here, work on developing your assertiveness to seek out the answers to your questions in a more direct manner with the other party. If someone in your life is using secret tests with you, it is worthwhile to develop a response strategy. Consider trying one of these communication strategies:
- Seek answers to why the person is using secret tests. Are they insecure, or are you unwilling to share in the exchange of ideas about your relationship?
- Respond assertively. For example, "I noticed that you introduced me to your family as your girlfriend. We have not really discussed our relationship status, and I think we should do so before we move forward."
- Counter with perception checking. "I have noticed lately that your friends have been asking me about our relationship. Is there something you would like to know, or are your friends curious about your life?"
- Use clarifying questions and statements. "So, would you like me to take you to the airport? I only do that for people I care about. I am happy to take you to the airport," or "So, you would like me to take you to the airport? I only do that for the people that I am closest to, and I don't think we are there yet."