12.2: Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships

LEARNING OUTCOMES

• Distinguish different characteristics of conflict.
• Recall the elements of a communication climate.
• Identify common sources of conflict.

CONFLICT IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Conflict exists and will take place across all your relationships. There are key characteristics to conflict that warrant discussion. First, conflict is inevitable and natural. It can be destructive or constructive and take place directly or indirectly. We will examine how the communication climate can affect conflict, and how to construct a positive communication climate. Relational spirals and power can influence how conflict is enacted and finally we will explore some common sources of conflict.

Conflict is inevitable and natural

In the vast relationships you encounter, conflict will arise. Some conflicts will have higher stakes due to the nature of the relationship. Think about your family and the amount of conflict you experience in this aspect. The types of conflict can range from who is responsible for what chores, navigating a work life balance or how to interact with extended family members.

Conflict, if used correctly, can enhance interpersonal relationships. It allows the parties involved in the relationship to grow deeper and gain an understanding of another’s perspective or position. In some instances, we focus much on our positions, such as I want this and the other person wants that. We frame the conflict as parties unable to achieve a mutually agreed solution. However, if we are able to view the conflict from the other party’s perspective this can help predict the other person’s behavior, and help to find a mutually acceptable solution (Castro, 2016). Therefore, it is necessary to learn how to navigate conflict in a healthy fashion. Being able to see conflict in a new perspective will give you the ability to fully immerse yourself into a conflict without the fear of damaging your relationship.

Conflict is destructive or constructive

In both healthy and unhealthy relationships conflict will take place. However, it is how the conflict is managed that determines the long-lasting effects of the experienced conflict. In romantic unhappy relationships couples engage in more evaluative behaviors: use of “You” language or defensive behaviors. Whereas, healthy romantic couples utilized a collaborative approach to conflict to break down the issue and work together to solve the problem (Greef and De Bruyne, 2000).

Destructive behaviors focus on the other party in the relationship and not the relationship as a whole. If you are involved in an argument with a parent regarding a missed curfew, and scream “You’re so ridiculous, why don’t you trust me? No one else has to be home by midnight!” The emphasis is on your parents’ reaction to your action, and not the issue at hand. Place yourself in your parents’ frame of mind. First, why would they impose a midnight curfew? It may not mean they do not trust you, but simply a safety issue. They placed a curfew to help keep you safe. Additionally, you may encourage your parents to see the situation from your point of view. Do they remember wanting to stay out longer than they were permitted? Working together and through the conflict can leave both parties more satisfied with the outcome and the relationship.

Conflict is direct or indirect

Remind yourself the last time a friend was upset with you. How did you know? Did they angrily tell you that you messed up? Or did they say, “You hurt my feelings.” Or, perhaps they did not address their hurt feelings, but when you ask how their day was you were met with a short and quick, “Fine.” You then tried to engage in further conversation only to be answered with minimal answers, or no answers at all. This scenario causes you to utilize your perception checking skills and ask your friend if they are indeed upset with you.

Conflict can take place both directly and indirectly. Direct conflict is the verbalization of the conflict occurring. Looking at the previous example it is the direct “You hurt my feelings.” Indirect conflict is conflict through more nonverbal communication. It can manifest in stiff body posture, indirect body orientation, crossed arms, harsh tones, rolling of eyes, silences/pauses or any combination of these communication behaviors. Let’s face it when someone is upset with us, even if they have not blatantly told us, we know it. We are able to decipher their unhappiness through their nonverbal cues.

Communication climate

A communication climate is the overall tone of the relationship. It is how the two parties interact with another. Different relationships have different communication climates, and they can either be a positive or negative climate. A communication climate can aid in managing or hindering the conflict. Therefore, it is important to understand the components of a communication climate.

Confirming and disconfirming messages

Confirming messages are messages that validate the other person. These messages make the other person feel valued and that they matter. They also provide the most effective support for the other person because they are said to be person-centered. Person-centered messages accept the legitimacy of the other person’s feelings (Burleson, 1987). Person-centered messages are constructed in a way that expresses the other person is important and that the other person’s perspective is legitimate and may even encourage the other person to voice those feelings (Burleson, 1994). Confirming messages may appear as any of the following types of messages: endorsement, acknowledgement or recognition.

Endorsement is a message that completely endorses what the other person is saying. For example you can tell your romantic partner, “I can understand why that was frustrating.” This message validates their feelings and provides information that you have listened to them. Endorsing a message does not necessarily mean that you completely agree with what they are saying, but rather can find something they are saying to endorse.

Acknowledgement is responding to your speaking partner. This can be done both through verbal and nonverbal communication. However, you may acknowledge your friend mainly through your nonverbal communication. For example, if your friend is having a bad day and you want to acknowledge what they are saying; what do you look like? What are you doing? You may notice that you are turned toward them, looking at their face, and giving them your undivided attention. You are acknowledging them, and thus providing a positive communication climate.

Finally, you may provide a confirming message by using recognition. This may seem a bit silly, but how many times have you been distracted by your cell phone, while someone is speaking with you? You may be failing to recognize the other person, and therefore not providing validation for your partner. As we will explore later in the unit, when our partners perceive that we are ignoring them, we are disconfirming them and devaluing their attempts at communication with us.

Unfortunately, disconfirming messages may be present in the communication interaction. Disconfirming messages are messages that leave your communication partner feeling invalidated or disrespected and, ultimately not listened to. Impervious responses, interrupting responses, irrelevant responses, tangential responses, impersonal responses, or ambiguous responses are all types of disconfirming messages (Sillars, Coletti, Parry, & Rogers, 1982).

An impervious response is a response that fails to recognize your communication partner. An example of an impervious response is reading a text message from your mom but failing to respond to it. She might say, “You need to get milk at the store” and then you reply, “I didn’t get my oil changed.” You have not recognized your mom’s message and have not responded with the correct topic in this scenario.

Interrupting responses are responses that interrupts the speaker. These messages do not allow for the speaker to finish with their speaking turn. How many times have you interrupted someone because you just had to say what you wanted? Your interrupting response gives the perception that what you have to say is more important than your partner’s message.

Irrelevant responses are responses that do not coordinate with the speaker’s previous message. These messages indicate that you have not listened to your partner and therefore do not value what they have said. Think back to a time when you were with a friend and they were going on and on about something important to them, however you unknowingly checked out of the conversation, but then you realized your friend expected a response from you. So, you respond with “Yeah, that sounds great.” However, your friend’s look on their face made you realize that your response was not an accurate response. You have failed to acknowledge your friend’s message.

Tangential responses are responses used to steer the conversation in a new direction. You do acknowledge what your speaking partner has said, however your response guides the conversation to a different topic or direction. For example, if you and your employer are discussing the current work project, but you are curious about who will be promoted next month; you may utilize the current conversation to get clarity regarding the promotion. “So, since this project is going so smoothly. You think it will impact the promotion being offered?”

Impersonal responses remove the personal aspects of the relationship. It is where one party responds to the message in an impersonal fashion, either by offering a monologue or using overgeneralized statements. These types of messages do not recognize the validity of the unique relationship between the two parties.

Lastly, an ambiguous response is a response that does not provide proper feedback to the message. These messages typically have multiple meanings and are hard to interrupt. Perhaps your dad asks who was at the party last weekend, in order to avoid saying your romantic interest attended, you respond with “Oh you know, just some people.” Your response acknowledges the question, but does not provide any real feedback.

In order to foster a supportive communication environment, it is imperative to construct confirming messages. These messages leave your partner feeling validated and listened to, whereas disconfirming messages invalidate your partner. See Table 1 below for strategies to create positive communicate climates. Now let’s explore defensive and supportive communication environments next.

Utilize confirming messages	Validate your communication partner by endorsing what they are saying or feeling. Be present in the communication process.
Utilize the six behaviors that promote supportive communication	Descriptive messages Focus on inquiry/problem orientation Spontaneity Empathetic messages Equality between the parties Provisional messages
Utilize reinforcing positive relational spirals	Match your partners confirming messages with confirming messages to create a positive relational spiral.

Table \(\PageIndex{1}\): How to Create Positive Communication Climates

Defensive and Supportive Communication

Dr. Jack Gibb (1961) states that there are six behaviors that fall into a defensive communication climate and six behaviors that fall into a supportive climate. Each of these behaviors will enhance or dismantle the communication climate. A defensive climate contains evaluative messages, control, strategy, neutrality, superiority, and certainty, whereas a supportive climate is made up of descriptive messages, focus on inquiry/problem orientation, spontaneity, empathy, equality, and provisional messages.

Evaluative messages judge the other person. They carry judgments of good or bad, right or wrong, and display nonverbal cues of evaluation. If your romantic partner has on an mismatched outfit you could say “Are you seriously going to wear that,” while stressing the word seriously and wrinkling your nose in disdain. You have evaluated the other person. In reality evaluative messages can be much more hurtful than a comment over an outfit, as we will soon see, when a partner calls their partner crazy or thoughtless it can have a long-lasting impact on the relationship.

Descriptive messages are messages with clear descriptive language without loaded words or judgmental cues. Instead of evaluating your friend’s drinking behavior, you could describe what you are seeing from your perspective. Describing another person’s behaviors from your perspective, allows you to check your perspective with your friend. “I am noticing that last Thursday, instead of going to class, you stayed in the apartment and drank. Is that what happened?” The friend will be less likely to respond defensively and can also slow down the pace of the argument. Slowing down leaves room for your friend to provide their side of the story. This type of exchange can be less upsetting than starting your comments with an evaluative statement. “You are drinking way too much!” Think about it, if someone evaluates you, do you want to continue in that conversation intelligently?

Control attempts to impose one’s position on others, sometimes through coercion or manipulation. However, inquiry or problem orientation focuses on working together to understand issues or solve problems. This is a way to cooperatively work together to solve the problem. For example, if you only have access to one working vehicle, but both you and your partner need the vehicle to get to work you could respond by saying “It’s really my car. I pay for it, so I’m taking it to work. Maybe take an Uber.” or you could approach the situation by working together. “What time do you go in? Okay I go in an hour later, so maybe I can drop you off and I can get you a little late from work. Maybe you could take a book to read, or do something while you wait, or maybe see if you can find a ride from a co-worker? What do you think?” The second option leaves room for the problem to be discussed and alternatives to help solve the one car dilemma.

Strategic messages suggest the speaker is trying to direct others and are not open to different ideas. When a speaker is spontaneous their messages are unplanned and are constructed without much thought to hidden motives. Some people seem to think of every conversation as a chess match. If you are not one of these people, you are most likely pretty spontaneous in your messages. This allows the speaker to be open to others’ messages. Let’s say that you are about to move into a new apartment, a strategic message would sound like, “Hey, remember how I helped you move last month. I am moving on Friday, and now you owe me a favor.” How would you feel if you were approached with this message? You might think, “Oh no, here comes that friend who always traps me into owing them a favor. They always seem to want something from me”

Neutral versus empathetic messages can impact the communication climate. Neutral messages demonstrate a lack of interest, or indifference. However, empathetic messages convey interest and understanding. These messages are responsive to others’ feelings and thoughts. A classmates’ pet has just died and you could respond with a casual “That sucks.” or “I remember when I had to put my dog to sleep. That was really hard. How are you feeling?” The first comment could be very off hand and not interested in nor sympathetic to the situation. The second message offers support and understanding in that it acknowledges what the other person is feeling and doesn’t tell them what to feel.

When a message is constructed in a superior manner, the message suggests the speaker is superior and others are inadequate or have little to offer. Messages that are based around equality signal that all parties are worthy of equal contribution and have valid viewpoints or ideas. If you are in a work meeting and your team lead monopolizes the conversation with only their ideas, they are suggesting their ideas are superior to others’. Hopefully, you have worked with someone who values your input and seeks it out. What would a message sound like from a team lead who values their employees’ ideas? In your experience, what have you heard?

Finally, messages can either be constructed with certainty or provisionally. Messages that do not offer alternatives or are very black and white are certainty messages. For example, “The right thing to do is obvious.” However, a provisional message invites others’ points of view. Instead you could say, “I know what I would do in that situation, but what do you think you would do?” The second message allows for the viewpoint of the other party.

As you can see how a message is constructed can lead to either a conversation where parties seek out solutions together or they can create a hostile communication climate. The more defensive messages are used, the more likely your conflict will escalate and potentially damage your relationship. Instead, you want to use supportive communication displayed in Table 2 below. In our next section, we will see how defensive messages can create escalatory relational spirals.

Descriptive messages	Use descriptive statements and avoid evaluative language. Use language that is free of judgement
Focus on Inquiry/Problem Orientation	Focus on solving the problem, not on the other person’s character
Spontaneity	Messages are unplanned and free of hidden motives
Empathetic messages	Construct messages that are empathetic and supportive in nature
Equality between the parties	Present yourself as an equal in the communication process
Provisional messages	Create messages the invite opinions and points of view from the other party

Table \(\PageIndex{2}\): What does supportive communication look like?

Relational Spirals

As messages are constructed, they can lead to relational spirals developing. These spirals can be reinforcing, escalating, or avoiding. A relational spiral is where the communication pattern is reinforced by the parties in the relationship. The spirals have the potential to be reinforcing, escalating or avoiding. Also note that not all of these spirals lead to conflict in relationships.

In a positive reinforcing spiral, partners communicate positive behaviors such as confirming messages. If you remember earlier in this unit, these positive messages are seen as person-centered. Positive reinforcing spirals will be unlikely to lead to conflict because both partners agree in the conversation.

Escalating spirals consist of partners reinforcing disconfirming messages with disconfirming messages. For example, partners may start to cross-complain or trade complaints rather than addressing the first person’s complaint (Gottman, Markman, and Notarius, 1977). Felson (1984) researched what sequence of communicative behaviors most strongly predicted violence. When one person violated a rule, the other would order the person to stop. When what followed was an exchange of insults, the partners were most likely to engage in escalating violence.

A third type of spiral is an avoiding spiral is where partners actively avoid conflict or discussion. As both partners avoid conflict, they experience less arguments but also increased expectations to withhold complaints that may lead to arguments.

Relational spirals develop based on the messages used in the communication climate. These spirals can be reinforcing, escalating or avoiding spirals. In a positive reinforcing spiral conflict will likely not result in conflict as both parties agree or reinforce the messages presented in the communication climate. However, in escalating or avoiding spirals conflict can emerge as a result of the messages present in the interactions.

Power and conflict

Power exists in all relationships. Perhaps a better way to describe power is with the word influence. We are constantly trying to influence one another, or exert our power over our communication partner. Power can play a very specific role in conflict. If we focus on our power within our relationship and not the other party, we may try to yield it to our advantage.

You can see how this may take place in a workplace environment. In most organizations there is a hierarchy and with higher positions comes power. If you are debating the next step in the work project, a manager may try to yield their power by stating, “Well, as your manager I believe we should…” This type of message is trying to influence you to agree with what they have to say by focusing on their position.

However, how does power look in friendships or romantic relationships? Think about the last time you tried to influence your friend or romantic partner to do what you wanted. This is you exerting your power in the relationship. You are trying to influence them to do what you wanted!

Sources of conflict

As we have established conflict is a common occurrence. It is going to happen, whether you like it or not. There are areas where conflict is more likely to arise. These include personal criticism, families, finances, household chores, and when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are present. Let’s explore each of these in detail.

Personal criticism

We discussed how we phrase our communication message can impact how others will receive it. If we are engaging in conflict but fail to attack the problem, and instead attack our communication partner then the likelihood of the conflict finding resolution is minimal.

If you are working on a project due for class, and the research is just not coming together you can respond a couple of ways: I can’t believe you don’t know how to do research! All of this time and you have nothing worth adding, jeeze how can you be so incompetent?! If you were presented with this message, how would you respond? Probably not great. This type of message attacks the intelligence of a person, and does not help to solve the task at hand.

In times more often than not we may resort to personal attacks. In romantic relationships if you judge your partners’ character in a demeaning way the conflict may go left unresolved or escalate the issue.

How many times have you compared how stressed out you are to someone else? You may believe that they could not possibly be as stressed as you are and in turn express this to them. However, you have now diminished your communication partner’s feelings by minimizing their feelings of stress.

No one likes to feel judged; we want to feel valued and appreciated, especially in our interpersonal relationships. If we use personal attacks in our communication patterns, this is not going to deepen our relationships, if anything it may only lead to relationships dissolving all around us. This is not to say that you cannot have an opinion, you definitely can! However, how can you present it without offending your partner and allowing the relationship to grow by working through the issue?

Families

Our families prove a great source for conflict. There are numerous ways family can lead to conflict. As a child it could have been as simple as your parents telling you could not do something, usually because it was deemed unsafe from a parenting point of view. However, jumping off the couch was so much fun, how dare they tell you to stop doing that?! Or, how about when you ran errands with your parents, and they told you that the toy you wanted was not going to be bought?

More and more families are blended families. Merging two families to create a new one can lead to many conflicts. Family members will need to negotiate their place in the new family, and step-parents will need to understand their place with their stepchild. Mothers who brought their own children into the relationship often protected their child from the stepfather, if they perceived the stepfather was misjudging or giving unequal treatment (Weaver & Coleman, 2010) In order to protect the child from the stepparent this can result in conflict between partners, or even stepparent and stepchild.

Additionally, the demand-withdraw pattern in blended families negatively affected the moods of the partners when husbands engaged in the demand-withdraw pattern. Their use of demand-withdraw pattern impacted how the husband and wife both felt; however, when the wife demanded and the husband withdrew it only affected the wife’s mood (King & DeLongis, 2013).

If you decide to enter a long-term romantic relationship, you will have to negotiate with your partner how to navigate in-laws. How involved will they be in your relationship? Some cultures in-laws are a vital component of the relationship. Parents who help to find a partner for their child may be very involved in their child’s dating life, to ensure the future son or daughter in-law contain desired qualities, such as family oriented or kind (Apostolou, 2014). Now, imagine you are dating someone your parents deem unworthy, this can lead to conflict between you and your parents, and even your partner and your parents.

Finances

Think about how much money you have right now. Now think about how much debt you have. Do you share this information with your partner? How in depth do you discuss your finances with your partner? Do you combine bank accounts? Do you purchase property before getting married? These are all types of reasons you and your partner may engage in conflict.

In a household, partners might openly discuss finances and debt. How money is spent and how much money is spent can also lead to conflict. If partners are not dependent on each other financially, or have not combined bank accounts, in reality they could go out and buy anything they wanted, as long as they cover the necessary household bills. However, some partners find it is part of effective communication to have discussions about what is okay to spend money and what is considered excessive. If one partner wants to make a large purchase, they discuss with the other person if that is okay or if they feel that purchase could put them into a financial bind. For example, If one partner attends three shows or concerts a month, it might be excessive. The partners could discuss this and decide together if repeatedly purchasing concert tickets is okay or if it is excessive.

Another point of contention that may arise due to spending is how often you go out to eat. Eating out can become very costly and if partners do not agree on how often or how much of your finances is going toward food can cause conflict. If one partner prefers to spend money towards groceries and meal prepping; however, the other partner feels that going out to eat “isn’t that big of deal” the trips out can quickly add up, couple this with wasted food and conflict can ensue.

If partners do not discuss their finances or come to an agreement on how to spend their money this can lead to marital dissatisfaction. If a partner lacks confidence in their partner’s handling of finances or consistent arguing over finances occurs, this can have a negative impact on marital satisfaction (Duba et al., 2012). Finances can be a tricky topic, and partners will need to learn how to discuss them in a way that promotes conversation or risk constant conflict.

Household chores

Whether you live with a roommate or with your significant other there will be conflict over who is responsible for what chores. Do you and your roommate alternate between who cleans the kitchen? Who cooks? Who buys the groceries? Who cleans the bathroom? Laundry? These are all chores that need to be accomplished in a household but determining who is responsible for them can lead to conflict.

If you live with a roommate conflict can rise over shared spaces. What is a satisfactory state of the living area and kitchen? If you have a higher need to have a clean presentable area than your roommate conflict will likely occur.

Living with a significant other and dividing household responsibilities can cause conflict between partners. In traditionally masculine heterosexual romantic relationships, it was found that women completed more than double the amount of household responsibilities of their male partners (Cerrato & Cifre, 2018). Additionally, in the same study it was found that women were typically involved in more feminine chores, such as childcare or shopping, whereas men were more involved in masculine chores (home repairs and family management). You will need to identify what will be acceptable in your own household.

Gottman’s four Horsemen of the apocalypse

Gottman and Levenson (2000) argued that there are four communication behaviors that are the highly corrosive to relationship satisfaction of marital partners: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In their research they were able to predict the timing of the end of a marital relationship. These behaviors are known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Let’s explore these behaviors more in depth.

Criticism, is just that-criticizing your partner. It attacks who they are as a person. The message does not show that you value them as a person, and instead attacks their character. For example, “I can’t believe you didn’t think how you staying out late would impact my plans. You are so selfish!” According to the Gottman Institute (Lisitsa, 2013) the importance is to be able to distinguish between a complaint and criticism. You can voice a complaint without criticizing your partner, “I mentioned I had those plans scheduled, so when you didn’t text or call that you were running late I got worried I thought something had happened to you.”

The appearance of criticism does not automatically mean a relationship will end. However, if it becomes a habitual communication behavior in the relationship, it allows for other negative behaviors to become part of your relationship.

Contempt. This communication behavior is the deadliest of the communication behaviors and is the “single greatest predictor of divorce” (Lisitsa, 2013, para 7). Contempt is where you treat your partner as if they are on a lower plane or lesser worthy of respect than you. You may mock or ridicule them. Additionally, you may demonstrate your contempt toward your partner through your nonverbal communication, such as eye rolling or sarcastic tones. These messages show a lack of empathy and respect toward your partner.

Defensiveness. This behavior is usually used when a pattern of criticism is used. We have all been on the defensive at some point in our lives; however, if this becomes the go-to response then it may be a sign that your relationship is not in the best place. A defensive message tends to provide excuses and may in turn reverse the blame on their partner (Lisitsa, 2013). For example, a defensive message may sound like, “I don’t know why you expected me to go to the grocery store after work. You know I travel all day and the last thing I want to do is be responsible for what we eat, and it not be up to your standards. Why didn’t you just go?”

Stonewalling. Stonewalling is shutting down from your partner. One partner withdraws from the other and stops interactions completely. The partner does not respond and can use other behaviors to seem busy to avoid their partner. For example, if one partner wants to discuss a conflict the other partner may engage in stonewalling, by blatantly ignoring their partner or finding something else to do to appear busy (Lisitsa, 2013). Often this stonewalling involves burying one’s face in the nearest smart phone instead of listening to your partner or “phubbing”. Have you stared at your phone intentionally to ignore your partner? Did your partner want to discuss something with you at the time?

If these four communication behaviors start to show in your relationship, it is in your best interest to deter them by utilizing good conflict management. Once these Horsemen take up residence in your relationship and if nothing is done to counteract them then it is likely the relationship will terminate because one or both partners will perceive the relationship as dissatisfying.

Conflict exists and will take place across all your relationships. Key characteristics to conflict include conflict is inevitable and natural. It can be destructive or constructive and take place directly or indirectly. The communication climate can affect conflict, and how we construct messages can create an overall positive communication climate. Relational spirals and power can influence how conflict is enacted and finally common sources of conflict will lend their selves to conflict occurrence.

Summary

Conflict is inevitable and can take place directly or indirectly. Conflict will occur across all your relationships and how you express yourself can be constructive or destructive to your relationship. The messages constructed between yourself and your communication partner can create a supportive or defensive communication climate. Based on the message construction a reinforcing, escalating, or avoiding relational spiral may take shape in the communication climate. Your view of power dynamics in your relationships will impact how you engage in conflict. We looked at common sources of conflict which include personal criticism, families, finances, household chores, and Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

LEARNING ACTIVITIES

1. Discussion question: What do you think about the saying, “the person with the most power has the ability to leave”?

2. Scenario Creation: Have students create scenarios containing characteristics of conflict. Preplanning: have students type out conflict scenarios, including the conversation. Have students label the characteristics of conflict in their scenario. Act out scenes for class.

3. Role Play: Have student read and take turns role playing the following scene in dyads. The first time that they perform it, they should follow the script. Then, have them try to identify the characteristics of conflict that are discussed in the unit. Lastly, have students try to re-write the script to allow for a more supportive climate during this conflict. Have students share with the rest of the class.

A defensive climate contains evaluative messages, control, strategy, neutrality, superiority, and certainty, whereas a supportive climate is made up of descriptive messages, focus on inquiry/problem orientation, spontaneity, empathy, equality, and provisional messages.

Script: Conflict

SCENE: These partners want to go on a bicycle ride. They are standing with their bikes near Partner 2’s garage. They have been trying to decide where to go have a picnic and haven’t been able to agree.

Partner 2: So, the next thing you would have to do is pump up your tires… If we go near the highway it could be dangerous but it is a longer route to go near the school… hmm.

Partner 1: Are we ready yet? You’re driving me crazy! Why can’t you decide where you want to bike? It isn’t a life and death decision. Just pick already!

Partner 2: I’m a good bicyclist but you aren’t. I know what I’m doing. But we should bike on a safer road than right by the highway. I know cyclists who have gotten hit by cars there.

Partner 1: That is ridiculous! I am just as good at bicycling as you!

Partner 2: Well, I am just trying to keep you safe. Sure, we can go on that busy death trap of a road--You are so reckless! You won’t always be so lucky you know!

Partner 1: [Rolls eyes and leaves on their bicycle. Partner two is left in the hot garage alone.]

REFERENCES

Apostolou, M. (2014). Parental choice: exploring in-law preferences and their contingencies in the Greek-Cypriot culture. Evolutionary Psychology, 12(1), 54-72.

Burleson, B. R., (1994). Comforting messages: Features, functions, and outcomes. In J. A. Daly & J. M. Wiemann (Eds.), Strategic interpersonal communication (pp. 135-161). Lawrence Erlbaum.

Castro, J.R. (2016). Perspective taking and threat: do threatening situations have an effect on helping intentions and perceived expectations? [Doctoral dissertation, Syracuse University]. Syracuse University Surface. https://surface.syr.edu/cgi/viewcont...46&context=etd

Cerrato, J., & Cifre E. (2018). Gender inequality in household chores and work-family conflict. Frontiers in Psychology, 9. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01330

Duba, J. D., Hughey, A.W., Lara, T., & Burke, M.G.(2012). Areas of marital dissatisfaction among long-term couples. Adultspan Journal, 11(1), 39-54.

Greef, A.P., & De Bruyne, T. (2000). Conflict management style and marital satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(4), 321-334. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/009262300438724

Gibb, J. R. (1961). Defensive communication. Journal of Communication, 11, 141-148. doi:10.1111/j.1460-2466.1961.tb00344.x

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 737-745.

King, D. B., & DeLongis A. (2013). Dyadic coping with stepfamily conflict: Demand and withdraw responses between husbands and wives. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(2), 198-206. http://dx.doi.org.libproxy.txstate.e...65407512454524

Lisitsa, E. (2013, April 23). The four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. www.gottman.com/blog/the-fou...-stonewalling/

Sillars, A., L., Coletti, S. F., Parry, D., & Rogers, M. A. (1982). Coding verbal conflict tactics: Nonverbal and perceptual correlates of the “avoidance-distributive-integrative” distinction. Human Communication Research, 9, 83-95.

Weaver, S.E., & Coleman, M. (2010). Caught in the middle: mothers in stepfamilies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 305-326. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510361729

GLOSSARY

Ambiguous response: A response that does not provide proper feedback to the message.

Avoiding spiral: Partners actively avoid conflict or discussion.

Certainty messages: Messages that do not offer alternatives.

Confirming messages: Messages that validate the other person.

Contempt: Treating your partner as if they are inferior to you. You may mock, or ridicule them.

Criticism: Messages that do not show that you value your communication partner as a person, and instead attacks their character.

Defensiveness: Messages that tend to provide excuses and may in turn reverse the blame on their partner.

Descriptive messages: Messages with clear descriptive language without loaded words or judgmental cues.

Disconfirming messages: Messages that leave your communication partner feeling invalidated or disrespected and, ultimately not listened to.

Empathetic messages: Messages that convey interest and understanding.

Equality messages: Messages that signal that all parties are worthy of equal contribution and have valid viewpoints or ideas.

Escalating spiral: Partners reinforce disconfirming messages with disconfirming messages.

Evaluative messages: Messages that evaluate the other person.

Impersonal response: A response which removes the personal aspects of the relationship.

Impervious response: A response that fails to recognize your communication partner.

Interrupting response: A response that interrupts the speaker.

Irrelevant responses: A response that does not coordinate with the speaker’s previous message.

Neutral messages: Messages that demonstrate a lack of interest, or indifference.

Phubbing: Snubbing or ignoring a conversational partner by looking at your phone instead of responding.

Power: The ability to influence others.

Provisional messages: Messages that invite others’ points of view.

Reinforcing spiral: When either positive or negative behaviors are reinforced by the other partner.

Spontaneous messages: Messages that are unplanned and free of hidden motives.

Stonewalling: Shutting down from your partner. One partner withdraws from the other and stops interactions completely.

Strategic messages: The speaker is trying to direct others and are not open to different ideas.

Superior messages: The message suggests the speaker is superior and others are inadequate or have little to offer.

Tangential responses: A response used to steer the conversation in a new direction.

MEDIA

1. Friends and Escalatory Spirals: How do the following clips from Friends, demonstrate escalatory spirals? What could they say in order to manage the conflict? What advice would you give to this couple in order to avoid the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse?.

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWwgLKPTLT0 Ross and Rachel take a break
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZkArA-WSus Ross and Rachel, "But we were on a break"

2. Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolf and Defensive Climates? Watch the following clip from Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolf? How does George contribute to the defensive climate in this scene? How does Martha contribute? What are examples of Four Horseman of the Apocalypse? How does the time of night and use of alcohol further impact George and Martha’s responses? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ca77z9dsEM