6.3: Asking for Help
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Introduction
In today’s quickly changing world, it’s easy to lose ourselves. Trying to be the very best in our jobs, working to excel in school, and managing the needs of friends and family can all become difficult to balance. Each day it seems, we are inundated with crisis and worry in the news, and our increasingly connected technological world doesn’t seem to have a shut-off switch.
At a time when cell or smart phones, the Internet, and social media let people instantly connect, many of us are becoming more isolated than ever. Where can we turn when we are stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious?
The world responds to people who ask. If you’re not consistently getting what you want in life, then consider the power of asking for help. Ask and you shall receive is a gem of wisdom from many spiritual traditions. Yet acting on this simple idea can be challenging.
Some people see asking for help as a sign of weakness. Actually, it’s a sign of strength. Focus on the potential rewards. When you’re willing to receive and others are willing to give, resources become available. Circumstances fall into place. Dreams that once seemed too big become goals that you can actually achieve. You benefit, and so do other people.
Remember that asking for help pays someone a compliment. It means that you value what people have to offer. Many will be happy to respond. The key is asking with skill.
In this lesson, we explore some of the ways you can reach out when life becomes unmanageable. Taking care of your mind is just as important as caring for your physical needs, yet we often ignore mental health until a crisis emerges. Whether we find resources and support through technology, or a more old-school approach, we never truly need to feel alone.
How to Ask for Help
It may be difficult to ask for help. You us use the following guidelines to ask for help with skill:
Ask with clarity. Before asking for help, think about your request. Take time to prepare, and consider putting it in writing before you ask in person.
The way you ask has a great influence on the answers you get. For example, “I need help with money” is a big statement. People might not know how to respond. Be more specific: “Do you know any sources of financial aid that I might have missed?” or “My expenses exceed my income by $200 each month. I don’t want to work more hours while I’m in school. How can I fill the gap?”
Ask with sincerity. People can tell when a request comes straight from your heart. Although clarity is important, remember that you’re asking for help—not making a speech. Keep it simple and direct. Just tell the truth about your current situation, what you want, and the gap between the two. It’s okay to be less than perfect.
Ask widely. Consider the variety of people who can offer help. They include parents, friends, classmates, coworkers, mentors, and sponsors. People such as counselors, advisors, and librarians are paid to help you.
Also, be willing to ask for help with tough issues in any area of life—sex, health, money, career decisions, and more. If you consistently ask for help only in one area, you limit your potential.
To get the most value from this suggestion, direct your request to an appropriate person. For example, you wouldn’t ask your instructors for advice about sex. However, you can share any concern with a professional counselor.
Ask with an open mind. When you ask for help, see whether you can truly open up. If an idea seems strange or unworkable, put your objections on hold for the moment. If you feel threatened or defensive, just notice the feeling. Then return to listening. Discomfort can be a sign that you’re about to make a valuable discovery. If people only confirm what you already think and feel, you miss the chance to learn.
Ask with responsibility. If you want people to offer help, then avoid statements such as, “You know that suggestion you gave me last time? Wow, that really bombed!”
When you act on an idea and it doesn’t work, the reason may have nothing to do with the other person. Perhaps you misunderstood or forgot a key point. Ask again—for clarity. In any case, the choice about what to do—and the responsibility for the consequences—is still yours.
Ask with an opening for more ideas. Approaching people with a specific, limited request can work wonders. So can asking in a way that takes the conversation to a new place. You can do this with creative questions: “Do you have any other ideas for me?” “Would it help if I approached this problem from a different angle?” “Could I be asking a better question?”
Ask again. People who make a living by selling things know the power of a repeated request. Some people habitually respond to a first request with “no.” They might not get to “yes” until the second or third request.
Some cultures place a value on competition, success, and “making it on your own.” In this environment, asking for help is not always valued. Sometimes, people say “no” because they’re surprised or not sure how to respond. Give them more time and another chance to come around.