7.2: Emotional Intelligence

Introduction

Imagine that you suddenly perceive a threat—from a supervisor who’s screaming at you, for example. Physical sensations begin immediately, such as your heart beating in double-time or your stomach muscles clenching. Next, thoughts race through your head: This is a disaster. She hates me. And everyone’s watching. Then, you think about what action you should take. You may feel like doing something, such as yelling back at her, running away from her, or quitting your job. Or you may do nothing, such as staring at her or crying.

What would you do?

Everyone has encountered these types of tense situations, and we all react differently. Recognizing these emotions is the first step in deciding how you will consciously act rather than allowing your emotions to react for you.

Part of effective communication is understanding how to use your emotional intelligence to make those communication decisions.

Using Emotional Intelligence

One concept important to communication is emotional intelligence, which is “the capacity to reason about emotions and emotional information, and of emotions to enhance thought” (Mayer 2009). In other words, it is the ability to recognize the emotional aspect of communication and the know-how to handle that aspect.

Following are some actions you can take to develop your emotional intelligence:

Recognize three elements of emotion. Even the strongest emotion consists of just three elements: physical sensations, thoughts, and urges to take action. Usually, these elements happen so fast that you can barely distinguish them. Separating them out is a first step toward emotional intelligence.

Name your emotions. Naming your emotions is a first step to going beyond the fight-or-flight reaction to any emotion. Naming gives you power. The second you attach a word to an emotion, you start to gain perspective. People with emotional intelligence have a rich vocabulary to describe a wide range of emotions. For example, do an Internet search with the key

words feelings list. Read through the lists you find for examples of how to name your feelings in the future.

Accept your emotions. Another step toward emotional intelligence is accepting your emotions— all of them. This can be challenging if you’ve been taught that some emotions are “good” and some are “bad.” Experiment with another viewpoint: You do not choose your emotional reactions; however, you can choose what you do in response to any emotion.

Express your emotions. One possible response to an emotion is expressing it. The key is to speak without blaming others for the way you feel. The basic tool for doing so is I messages, as described in the previous lesson.

Respond rather than react. The heart of emotional intelligence is moving from mindless reaction to mindful action. See whether you can introduce an intentional gap between sensations and thoughts on the one hand and your next action on the other hand.

To do this more often, use Discovery Statements. In your journal, write about situations in daily life that trigger strong emotions. Describe these events—and your usual responses to them—in detail. Follow up with Intention Statements. After seeing patterns in your emotions, you can consciously choose to behave in new ways. Instead of yelling back at the angry supervisor, for example, make it your intention to simply remain silent and breathe deeply until she finishes. Then say, “I’ll wait to respond until we’ve both had a chance to cool down.”

Make decisions with emotional intelligence. When considering a possible choice, ask yourself, How am I likely to feel if I do this? And how will other people feel? You can use your gut feeling to tell when an action might violate your values or hurt someone.

Translate decisions into effective action. Emotional intelligence will help you succeed on project teams in the workplace. Two questions recommended by consultant David Allen (2011) can lead to team meetings that actually produce results:

1. What’s the successful outcome? If no one on your team can visualize a successful outcome for a meeting, then save everybody some frustration. Ask that the meeting be postponed until your team can create a clear agenda.
2. What’s the next action to make it happen? Too many meetings end with no clear agreement about what action will be taken, who will take action, and by what date. To get clarity and accountability, ask each team member to state what he or she will do before the next meeting.

Think of emotions as energy. Anger, sadness, and fear send currents of sensation through your whole body. Ask yourself how you can channel that energy into constructive action.

References

Allen, David. “The GTD questions you can use every day.” Productive Living, e-mail newsletter, January 12, 2011.