7.3: Managing Conflict
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Introduction
We may encounter conflict in many areas of our lives: personal, professional, and academic. Imagine one of the following scenarios:
- Stephanie is an employee at a retail clothing shop and has recently been promoted. She has been with the company for five years, and many of her friends are now reporting to her. Since her promotion, she has noticed that several of her friends show up late to work and are not doing as much as they used to. She is worried that they are taking advantage of their friendship and not taking her seriously as a manager.
- Steve has been working on a group project for his history class. Another student, Jeff, told Steve that he used his brother’s old history paper for his part of the project.
What would you do in each of these situations?
Managing conflict is an important part of communication. The key to managing conflict is not to avoid it.
Conflict Management Strategies, Part 1
Conflict management is one of the most practical skills you’ll ever learn. Here are strategies that can help:
Start with common ground. As a first step in managing conflict, start with common ground. List all of the points on which you are not in conflict: I know that we disagree about how much to spend on a new car, but we do agree that the old one needs to be replaced. Often, such comments put the problem in perspective and pave the way for a solution.
State the problem. Using I messages, state the problem. Tell people what you observe, feel, think, want, and intend to do. Allow the other people involved in a particular conflict to do the same. Each person might have a different perception of the problem. That’s fine. Let the conflict come into clear focus. It’s hard to fix something unless people agree on what’s broken.
Remember that the way you state the problem largely determines the solution. Defining the problem in a new way can open up a world of possibilities. For example, I need a new roommate is a problem statement that dictates only one solution. But the statement, We could come to an agreement about who cleans the apartment opens up more options, such as resolving a problem about who will wash the dishes tonight.
State all points of view. If you want to defuse tension or defensiveness, set aside your opinions for a moment. Take the time to understand the other points of view. Sum up those view points in words that the other parties can accept. When people feel that they’ve been heard, they’re often more willing to listen.
Ask for complete communication. In times of conflict, we often say one thing and mean another. Before responding to what the other person says, use active listening. Check whether you have correctly received that person’s message by saying, What I’m hearing you say is ... Did I get it correctly?
Focus on solutions. After stating the problem, dream up as many solutions as you can. Be outrageous. Don’t hold back. Quantity—not quality—is the key. If you get stuck, restate the problem and continue brainstorming.
Next, evaluate the solutions you brainstormed. Discard the unacceptable ones. Talk about which solutions will work and how difficult they will be to implement. You might hit on a totally new solution.
Focus on the future. Instead of rehashing the past, talk about new possibilities. Think about what you can do to prevent problems in the future. State how you intend to change, and ask others for their contributions to the solution.
Commit to the relationship. The thorniest conflicts usually arise between people who genuinely care for each other. Begin by affirming your commitment to the other person: I care about you, and I want this relationship to last. So I’m willing to do whatever it takes to resolve this problem. Also ask the other person for a similar commitment.
Allow strong feelings. Permitting conflict can also mean permitting emotions. Being upset is all right. Feeling angry is often appropriate. Crying is okay.
Allowing other people to see the strength of our feelings can help resolve the conflict. This suggestion can be especially useful when differences are so extreme that reaching common ground seems impossible.
Expressing the full range of your feelings can transform the conflict. Often, love is what’s on the far side of anger. When we express and release resentment, we might discover genuine compassion in its place.
Conflict Management Strategies, Part 2
Dealing with conflict can sometimes be difficult. Once you recognize the problem, you can take specific actions to help manage the situation. Following are some additional strategies to help you manage conflict.
Notice your need to be “right.” Some people approach conflict as a situation where only one person wins. That person has the “right” point of view. Everyone else loses. When this happens, step back. See whether you can approach the situation in a neutral way.
Define the conflict as a problem to be solved, not as a contest to be won. Explore the possibility that you might be mistaken. There might be more than one acceptable solution. The other person might simply have a different learning style than yours. Let go of being “right,” and instead aim for being effective at resolving conflict.
Sometimes, this strategy means apologizing. Conflict sometimes arises from our own errors. Others might move quickly to end the conflict when we acknowledge our mistake and ask for forgiveness.
Slow down the communication. In times of great conflict, people often talk all at once. Words fly like speeding bullets, and no one listens. Chances for resolving the conflict take a nosedive.
When everyone is talking at once, choose either to listen or to talk—not both at the same time. Just send your message. Or just receive the other person’s message. Usually, this technique slows down the pace and allows everyone to become more levelheaded.
To slow down the communication even more, take a break. Depending on the level of conflict, this might mean anything from a few minutes to a few days.
A related suggestion is to do something nonthreatening together. Share an activity with the others involved that’s not a source of conflict.
Allow for cultural differences. People respond to conflict in different ways, depending on their cultural background. Some stand close, speak loudly, and make direct eye contact. Other people avert their eyes, mute their voices, and increase their physical distance.
When it seems to you that other people are sidestepping or escalating a conflict, consider whether your reaction is based on cultural bias.
Agree to disagree. Sometimes, we say all we have to say on an issue. We do all of the problem solving we can do. We get all points of view across. But the conflict remains, staring us right in the face.
What’s left is to recognize that honest disagreement is a fact of life. We can peacefully coexist with other people—and respect them—even though we don’t agree on fundamental issues. Conflict can be accepted even when it is not resolved.
Take on leadership roles. A useful motto for leaders is this: “Be the change you want to see.” If you want the people around you to demonstrate their skills in speaking, listening, and resolving conflict, then begin by modeling these qualities yourself.
No one is born knowing how to lead. We acquire the skills over time. Begin now, while you are in higher education. Campuses offer continual opportunities to gain leadership skills. Volunteer for clubs, organizations, and/or student government. Look for opportunities to tutor or to become a peer advisor or mentor. No matter what you do, take on big projects—those that are worthy of your time and talents. These projects will put you in direct contact with human diversity.
Your next boss or coworker could be a person whose life experiences and views of the world differ radically from yours. Use this fact as an opportunity to take the ideas in this lesson and put them into practice.