7.5: Improving Communication Skills
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Introduction
Think of a situation where you felt you could have done better with your communication. Ask yourself what went well and what you could have done better.
Whether you are having a conversation, writing a paper, or delivering a presentation, effective communication is essential to your success. The key to developing and improving your communication skills is to find as many opportunities as possible to practice them.
In this lesson, you will learn different strategies for improving your communication skills. What you say and how you say it has an effect on you and everyone around you. Through an understanding of how to choose your words more effectively, you can build stronger relationships and be more successful in speaking and writing.
Employing Your Words
The person you are, for the most part, is a result of the agreements you make. Others know who you are by your words and your commitments. And you can learn who you are by observing which commitments you choose to keep and which ones you choose to avoid.
Relationships are built on agreements. When we break a promise to be faithful to a spouse, to help a friend move to a new apartment, or to pay a bill on time, relationships are strained.
The words we use to make agreements can be placed into six different levels. We can think of each level as one rung on a ladder—the ladder of powerful speaking. As we move up the ladder, our speaking becomes more effective.
The first and lowest rung is obligation . Words used at this level include I should , he ought to , someone had better , they need to , I must , and I had to . Speaking this way implies that something other than ourselves is in control of our lives. When we live at the level of obligation, we speak as if we are victims.
The second rung is possibility . At this level, we examine new options. We play with new ideas, possible solutions, and alternative courses of action. As we do, we learn that we can make choices that dramatically affect the quality of our lives. We are not the victims of circumstance. Words that signal this level include I might , I could , I’ll consider , I hope to , and maybe .
The third rung is preference . Here, we begin the process of choice. The phrase I prefer signals that we’re moving toward one set of possibilities over another, perhaps setting the stage for eventual action.
The fourth rung is passion . Certain words signal this level: I want to , I’m really excited to do that , and I can’t wait .
The fifth rung is plan . When people use phrases such as I intend to , my goal is to , I plan to , and I’ll try like mad to , they’re at the level of plan. The Intention Statements you write for this module are examples of plans.
The sixth and highest rung is
promise
.
This is where the power of your word really comes into play. At this level, it’s common to use phrases such as
I will
,
I promise to
,
I am committed
,
and
you can count on it
. A promise is where we bridge possibility and plan to action. It brings with it all of the rewards of employing your word.
Using I Messages
In an earlier lesson, you learned the difference between I and You messages. At first, I messages might feel uncomfortable or seem forced. That’s okay. With practice, you will gain confidence in using them.
An I message can include any or all of the following five elements. Be careful when including the last two elements, though, because they can contain hidden judgments or threats.
Observations. Describe the facts—the indisputable, observable realities. Talk about what you— or anyone else—can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Avoid judgments, interpretations, or opinions. Instead of saying, You’re a slob , try, Last night’s lasagna pan was still on the stove this morning.
Feelings. Describe your own feelings. It is easier to listen to I feel frustrated than to You never help me. Stating how you feel about another’s actions can be valuable feedback for that person.
Wants. You are far more likely to get what you want if you say what you want. If someone doesn’t know what you want, she doesn’t have a chance to help you get it. Ask clearly. Avoid demanding or using the word need . Most people like to feel helpful, not obligated. Instead of saying, Do the dishes when it’s your turn, or else! state, I want to divide the housework fairly.
Thoughts. Communicate your thoughts, and use caution. Beginning your statement with the word “I” doesn’t automatically make it an I message. I think you’re a slob is a you message judgment in disguise. Instead, say, I’d have more time to study if I didn’t have to clean up so often.
Intentions. The last part of an I message is a statement about what you intend to do. Have a plan that doesn’t depend on the other person. For example, instead of From now on, we’re going to split the dishwashing evenly , you could say, I intend to do my share of the housework and leave the rest.
Practice Writing I Messages
The following is one way you can practice writing I messages:
- Pick something about school that irritates you. Then, pretend that you are talking to a person who is associated with this irritation. In the space below, write down what you would say to this person as a you message.
- Write the same complaint as an I message. Include at least the first three elements of I messages.
Think of other ways you can write I messages. They will help you be more confident in your communication.
Choosing Your Words Wisely
Three Ways to Say No—Respectfully
Students in higher education tend to have many commitments. Saying no helps you prevent an overloaded schedule that compromises your health and GPA. You can use three strategies to say no in a respectful, graceful way:
- Think critically about your assumptions. The inability to say no can spring from the assumption that you’ll lose friends if you state what you really want. But consider this: If you cannot say no, then you are not in charge of your time. You’ve given that right to whoever wants to interrupt you. This is not a friendship based on equality. True friends will respect your wishes.
- Plan your refusal. You might find it easier to say no when you don’t have to grasp for words. Choose some key words and phrases in advance—for example, Thanks for asking. I have a huge test tomorrow and want to study rather than party.
- Avoid apologies or qualifiers. People give away their power when they couch their no in phrases such as I’m sorry, but I just don’t know whether I want to or Would you get upset if I said no? You don’t have to apologize for being in charge of your life. It’s okay to say no.
Strategies for Nonsexist Communication
Following are tools you can use to speak and write in ways that are gender-fair without twisting yourself into verbal knots:
- Use gender-neutral terms. Instead of writing policeman or chairman , for example, use police officer or chairperson . In many cases, there’s no need to identify the gender or marital status of a person. This allows us to dispose of expressions such as female driver and lady doctor .
- Use examples that include both women and men. Good writing thrives on examples and illustrations. As you search for details to support the main points in your paper, include the stories and accomplishments of both women and men.
- Alternate pronoun gender. In an attempt to be gender-fair, some writers make a point of mentioning both sexes whenever they refer to gender. Another method is to alternate the gender of pronouns throughout your writing. Still another option is to alternate male and female pronouns—the strategy used in this book. This allows you to avoid using awkward wording such as He/she should open his/her book.
- Switch to plural. Because plural pronouns in English are not gender specific, a sentence such as The writer has many tools at her disposal becomes Writers have many tools at their disposal .
Sending and Receiving Messages
One powerful technique for improving communication is to separate the roles of sending and receiving. Communication channels get blocked when we try to send and receive messages at the same time. Instead, be aware of when you are the receiver and when you are the sender.
If you are receiving (listening or reading), just receive; avoid switching to the sending (speaking or writing) mode. When you are sending, stick with it until you are finished.
Practice Sending or Receiving
The purpose of this sample exercise is to help you slow down the pace of communication and clearly separate the roles of sending and receiving. Begin by applying the following steps to conversations on neutral topics. With some practice, you’ll be ready to use this technique in situations that could escalate into an argument.
Find a partner, and then choose a topic for a conversation. Set a time limit for doing this exercise. Complete the following steps:
- Get two 3 × 5 cards. Label one of them sender . Label the other receiver . Choose one card, and give the other one to your partner.
- If you chose the sender card, then start speaking. If you chose the receiver card, then listen to your partner without saying a word.
- When the sender is done speaking, exchange cards and switch roles. The person who listened (receiver) in Step 2 now gets to speak. However, do not exchange cards until the speaker (sender) in Step 2 declares that she has expressed everything she wants to say .
- Keep switching cards and roles until your time is up.
After completing these steps, reflect on the experience.
- What can this type of exercise teach you about your current skills as a speaker and listener?
- In what ways do you feel you are effective as a sender or receiver of messages?
- In what ways do you feel you need to improve when sending or receiving messages?
Using Critical Thinking With Communication
As you may recall from Module 5, psychologist Benjamin Bloom described six levels of learning and thinking. Each level calls for asking and answering different types of questions as part of critical thinking:
- Level 1: Remembering
- Level 2: Understanding
- Level 3: Applying
- Level 4: Analyzing
- Level 5: Evaluating
- Level 6: Creating
These critical thinking levels are also important to effective communication. Understanding what a test question is asking or how an essay prompt is worded will help in how you respond. When you pay attention to these elements of critical thinking, you comprehend information and ideas well enough to explain them in your own words.
For example, test questions that call for understanding begin with terms such as the following:
- Compare
- Contrast
- Discuss
- Estimate
- Explain
- Give an example
- Illustrate
- Infer
- Interpret
- Paraphrase
- Predict
- Summarize
- Translate
In a science class, for example, an instructor might ask you to name the various types of clouds and then explain the factors that cause each kind of cloud to form. In a literature class, the instructor might ask you to summarize the plot of a short story. You can do this examination and thinking in any of your courses.
The six levels of thinking can also be useful when you want to clarify your intentions or ask questions. For example, think of one of your personal values or goals. Then, demonstrate how well you understand it. Give an example of how you put a value into action. Or explain how you will know when you’ve reached a goal.