9.3: Communication
No matter what type of relationship you are in, or if you are presently single, communication about what you want and need is a crucial part of being fulfilled, sexually or otherwise. Depending on messages you’ve received throughout your growing years, you may have been told it is your job to please a partner, and not ask for what you want. In reality, a happy thriving person who is able to meet their own needs is a better partner in whatever type of relationship they enter. Asking for what you want is radical self-love, and will make you that much more attractive.
In the U.S. the normative sexual script of a forever couple living happily ever after is a myth that we may hold dear but in most cases, relationships end and life goes on. Sometimes moving on is the best thing to do if the relationship is becoming difficult, unpleasant or toxic, and one or more of the partners are not choosing to work to salvage it. Beginning and ending relationships are a part of the human condition. Sometimes a consensus can be reached by partners that it is just time to move on, but in many cases, it is a hard decision and the period is filled with unhealthy communication and hurt. Learning when to walk away is not always easy.
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, PhD discusses some thoughts on what he has seen as patterns that may signify the end of a relationship. Troubled relationships follow a similar pattern, featuring four ruinous ways of interacting that undermine communication. One negative path leads to the next, wreaking increasing levels of harm to the relationship. These "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Criticism, the first damaging process in a relationship, is defined as "attacking someone's personality or character - rather than a specific behavior - usually with blame." For instance, instead of saying, "Please rinse out your dirty coffee cup and put it in the dishwasher," you say, “You are such a slob! You can't even wash a cup properly." Do not confuse criticism with complaining. Some complaining is actually healthy for a relationship. You express dissatisfaction and hope your partner responds. However, when complaints go unanswered, bad feelings build up, and the result is criticism, a destructive behavior.
Contempt is the second horseman. Unresolved issues stealthily permeate other aspects of a relationship. The resulting anger creates a negative thought pattern. Soon, the spouses begin to forget what attracted them to each other in the first place. Contempt is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Your words and actions are meant to hurt and create an emotional reaction. Signs of contempt include “insults and name-calling, hostile humor and mockery.” Body language that communicates disgust, such as eye-rolling or sneering, is also contemptuous.
The third destructive horseman is defensiveness. When one partner acts contemptuously, the other naturally becomes defensive. This victim mentality can harm the relationship. Defensiveness takes many forms. In its simplest, it is the act of making excuses for your actions or refusing to accept responsibility. Defensive people assume their partners are judging them.
Such “negative mind reading” might go something like this:
Chris - “You hate when I go out to dinner with my sister. You think I should stay home with the kids.”
Alex - “That's not true… Thursday is a problem because I have a business dinner.”
Some defensive couples fall into one-upmanship. They trade escalating complaints:
Tylor - “You never want to have people over for dinner. You're too lazy.”
Jordan - “If you would clean the house once in a while, we could have people over.”
The final horseman is stonewalling, which occurs when one partner withdraws completely from an interaction. Often, stonewallers say they are trying to be neutral and keep an argument from escalating. But the message they send to their partner is that they don't care enough to engage.
The End of a Relationship
Some relationships last for a very long time, but some deteriorate and end. As mentioned earlier in this chapter, ending and beginning relationships happen for most people, and it is just part of the life cycle. Some factors that lead to deterioration involve unhealthy patterns and poor communication, and other times a relationship has just run its course. Relationships draw to a close when the partners find little satisfaction in the union, and have an opportunity to end a relationship based on cultural rules and norms.
Jealousy and Insecurity
Jealousy can create a wide range of negative effects on our sexual and romantic relationships. Jealousy often contributes to conflict and breakup, but it also could be a contributing factor to relationship violence. Even if a partner is not unfaithful, their partner may still be jealous, and jealousy can harm relationships. Jealousy is a powerful emotion that has been evolutionarily selected to help maintain close relationships. All humans experience jealousy, although they experience it to different extents and in different ways. Culture, gender roles, and how we internalize social norms all contribute to our tendency to feel jealousy and what we feel jealousy about. A number of researchers (e.g., Buss, 2009; Sagarin et al., 2012, Shackelford et al., 2005) all found that when jealousy emerges, there is a gendered difference in how it is experienced and expressed. People who identified as men in the studies were more jealous than people who identified as women overall. And those men were more concerned than the women in the study about sexual infidelities of their partners. Women in the study were relatively more concerned about emotional infidelities of their partners. In further support for Buss’ claim, sex differences are also found in the reactions to infidelity and forgiveness with regard to infidelity. Men find it harder to forgive their partner after sexual infidelity, and are more likely to break up with their partners after learning of sexual infidelity, when compared to women. Women find it harder to forgive their partner after emotional infidelity, and are more likely to break up with their partners after learning of emotional infidelity when compared to men (Shackelford, Buss & Bennett, 2002).
Historically, research has focused on interpersonal relationships between opposite-sex couples; only recently has research begun to examine the unique experiences of individuals in same-sex relationships. Differences emerge when studying sexuality in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships. There are differences reported between same-sex and opposite sex couples when examining the issue of sexual exclusiveness with a partner versus openness. There are general differences in attitudes related to monogamy. Thirty-six percent of men in same-sex relationships indicated that it was important to be sexually monogamous. This is compared to 71% of women in same-sex relationships, 84% of women in opposite sex relationships and 75% of men in opposite sex relationships (Bailey, 1994).
There are also differences in relation to actual behavior in the relationships (Bryant & Demian, 1994). The American Couples Study indicated that women in same-sex relationships (28%), wives (21%) and husbands (26%) in opposite-sex relationships reported engaging in sex outside of the primary relationship, compared to 82% of men in same-sex relationships. The final difference that was discussed was the fact that of those individuals who took part in the extradyadic sex, men in same-sex relationships reported engaging with more partners when compared to the other groups (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983).
A study conducted by Frederick and Fales (2016) examined the experience of jealousy in relation to sexual and emotional infidelity. The researcher used Buss’ method, but examined differences in gender and also an individual’s sexual orientation. Gender was a strong predictor of upset over sexual versus emotional infidelity for heterosexual participants, with men being more likely to be more distressed over sexual infidelity. Generally speaking, heterosexual men stood out from all other groups in terms of being most upset with sexual infidelity (54 %), more so than heterosexual women (35 %), gay men (32 %), lesbian women (34 %), bisexual men (30 %), and bisexual women (27 %).
Individuals who reported higher levels of dependency on and insecurity in their relationship also reported high levels of distress over both sexual and emotional infidelity (Blatt & Zuroff, 1992; Rusbult & Van Lange, 2003). This finding is congruent in relation to what is understood about these constructs. The more dependent an individual is in their relationship, the more distressed they will become when something threatens the dynamic of the relationship. This has been shown in past research when examining dependency in relationships, and how an individual with increased dependency will feel maladaptive emotions in relation to the potential loss of that relationship (Blatt & Zuroff, 1992; Rusbult & Van Lange, 2003).
Infidelity
Infidelity is the most frequent reason people breakup. Infidelity is a situation when a romantic partner breaks a spoken or unspoken agreement to be sexually or romantically exclusive. It is different from consensual non-monogamy, when the partners have an agreement about sexual contacts outside their relationship. Statistically, people who identify as men are more likely to report having done it compared to people who identify as women. In recent years, this difference in reporting infidelity has decreased.
Some people initiate affairs to break the routine of a confining relationship (Allen & Atkins, 2005; Markman, 2005). Others enter affairs as a way of expressing hostility toward a partner or retaliating for injustice. Partners who engage in affairs often report that they are not satisfied with or fulfilled by their relationships. Curiosity and desire for personal growth are often more prominent motives than dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Many times, the sexual motive is less pressing than the desire for emotional closeness. Because we are socialized down gendered lines and only given certain emotions to express based on how we are gendered, communication among different gendered partners can get complicated. Emotional expression is policed by gendered cultural norms, which can make understanding an opposite sex partner difficult. Being able to acknowledge this and talk about it can be helpful. Even infidelity, and whether or not a person can accept staying in a relationship afterwards fall down gendered lines. Findings suggest that some women say they were unfaithful because they were seeking someone whom they can talk to or communicate with (Lamanna & Riedmann, 2005). According to Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair, women are usually seeking “soul mates,” whereas men are seeking “play-mates.” Women tend to justify affairs when they are searching for love, but men do so when the affair is not for love.
In, Gender Differences in Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors: A Review of Meta-Analytic Results and Large Datasets , 2011, Petersen & Hyde observed that women studied tended to be less accepting of sex without emotional involvement (Petersen & Hyde, 2011). This same study found that men are more likely than women to distinguish between sex and love, whereas women see love and sex as going together so that falling in love justifies sex (Petersen & Hyde, 2011). To be clear, these are general group differences based on the study participants. Some men are interested primarily in the extramarital relationship, rather than the sex, and some women are out for the sex and not the relationship.
What can you tell about your current relationship difficulties with your husband?
I am a gay man in my 50s who grew up and has been living all my life in San Francisco, the liberal city that has been always a center of advocacy for gay rights and gay pride. I have been in long-lasting relationships most of my adult life. My current partner/husband is in his 30s. We have been together for 12 years, but in the last year we had problems. About a year ago I discovered that my husband had been having an affair with a much younger man, a college-age man who was my nephew’s best friend. This revelation came as a shock. My partner and I separated and were heading towards a divorce. For about six months, we were apart taking time to reassess. However, seven months ago we moved in together and we hadn’t ever been happier.
How were you able to move past the infidelity and losing trust?
It took a great deal of work on both sides. My partner was able to express sincere remorse and handled the situation with a great deal of humility. He had to stand in front of my family and apologize, as he also harmed my family. In the twelve years that we were together, that was his first infidelity. He said that he was very attracted to the young man, dated him in secret for one year, but never stopped loving me. When he was faced with choosing between the two, he wanted to choose life with me and begin again. I was able to understand where he was coming from, his family history, and why he did what he did. On my end, I saw that our relationship leading to his affair was not perfect, and I am not perfect either. I was busy with moving my business, with setting it in a new place, and we were not spending as much time as a couple together. After all, I know he loves me because he chose me. We are both financially independent, so I could not think that his choosing me again was a matter of convenience.
In your experience, does monogamy work in gay relationships?
I think that only 1-3% gay couples are fully monogamous. I do not have real data, but it is my perception. Most gay couples last for about 2-3 years. Most couples, although not openly, endorse infidelity, but may nevertheless share an understanding that discreet (and often anonymous) sexual liaisons with others can be forgiven. I call it the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy of a relationship. If after such an encounter, there is an exchange of phone numbers, it may become an emotional involvement, and this scenario is perceived to be more problematic. Some couples agree to an open relationship. They are committed and supportive to each other as their main relationship; however, have several other sexual partners on a side with various degrees of emotional involvement. You may call it sexual freedom or promiscuity. I am not here to judge. I am not a therapist, but I think this pattern is because most gay men often felt marginalized growing up, and are still trying to prove their own sexuality to themselves.
Healthy Communication about Sexuality
Partners who communicate more about sex in general and during the act itself appear to be more sexually satisfied (Babin, 2013). People who are more comfortable talking about sex are better at discussing their sexual fantasies, asking about their partner’s needs, giving their partners directions, and convey sexual likes and dislikes.
The following excerpt is a donated selection from Making Love Real by Danielle Harel PhD and Celeste Hirschman MA.
Sexual Rules to Live By
Rule #1: Don’t judge
Most people are scared to share their desires and fantasies. After all, it’s a big risk – few things are more private or make you feel more vulnerable. There are many judgments about what kind of sex is “good,” “healthy,” and “appropriate,” yet almost all of us have some desires that lie outside those narrow bounds.
Your and your partner's desires are beautiful expressions of the deepest parts of who you are. Some of these desires will be realized in your life together and some will not. Some desires you will want to experience, while others you will want to keep in the realm of fantasy and may feel shameful about sharing. However, sharing them can create connection and intimacy between the two of you, regardless of how much you are willing to guest-star in each other’s “movies.” People often judge their partner’s desires and fantasies because they don’t want to be a part of them. You might feel obligated to fulfill your partner's desires, or threatened by them because you can’t or don’t want to fulfill them. These fears may make you wish some of your partner's desires didn’t exist. When sharing desires, it is essential to remember that desires do not necessarily have to happen – it is not your job to do anything you don’t want to do. This brings us to the importance of boundaries.
Rule #2: You have a right to your boundaries
You and your partner both have a right to boundaries. As we discussed in the section on boundaries, it is essential that you keep your boundaries in sex to create trust and avoid building resentment. It is also important to remember that your boundaries may shift. A “no” right now doesn’t shut the door forever. When you both feel permission to keep your boundaries, you will be able to relax and feel safer exploring. Each of you will also change and grow. What was a strong “no” at one point might become a “maybe” or “yes” later. A “yes” might also turn into a “no”. If your sexual boundaries have been crossed in the past non-consensually (for example, if you have experienced sexual abuse or rape), or if you have let them be crossed in your current relationship, you may need to keep your boundaries quite strong at first before you can let yourself trust again. Often when couples face boundary challenges, the person who needs strong boundaries feels guilty and the other feels rejected. As a result, the boundaries continue to get pushed and crossed over and over again. If this is your dynamic, you may need some support in learning how to negotiate boundaries, so that you will be able to open up together in the future. Long-term boundary challenges can result in resentment, shutdown, and sexual dysfunction.
Rule #3: Try something new
No matter how long you have been together, if you have not approached your sex life consciously with curiosity and open communication, there will be a learning curve. You can log many years of unsatisfying sex together without any improvement if you don’t experiment. Trying something new can be scary, as it may bring up fears and inadequacies. But trying new things, exploring new ways of communicating around sex, and discussing needs and desires are essential to creating a good sex life.
Rule #4: Give each other the benefit of the doubt
Trust that each of you wants to please the other. If there is something you want from your partner, and you have asked for it but they have not given it to you, there are some likely explanations. They may not know exactly how to give it to you, they may be afraid to try for fear of doing it wrong, or they may be trying to learn under stressful circumstances. If you are asking for what you need from a place of frustration or criticism, your partner may be triggered and their ability to learn shut off. For this reason, you must be patient and forgiving with your partner as they learn. While you might have a precise picture in your mind of how you want to be touched, seduced, and talked to, it can be challenging for your partner to know exactly what you mean. Feedback and repetition are essential to the learning process. When you give your partner the benefit of the doubt, you will be more likely to approach them with a positive attitude and they will be more likely to learn what you need. If you’ve played sports or danced, you’ll know that you don’t learn complex athletic movements or dance routines on the first try, or even in the first week of practice. Sex is no different.
Rule #5: Trying it once doesn’t mean you have to do it forever
In order to feel free while experimenting, it is essential to know that you always have a choice. You can try things out and see what is arousing and interesting for you, and what isn’t. Not every sexual activity or attitude is right for every person, and you will need to accept your own and your partner’s interests and boundaries. If you ask for something and then realize that it doesn’t feel as good as you imagined it, or it only feels good when you’re more aroused, feel free to say so. You can always change your mind. What works in your fantasy might not work in reality, and what works one time might not work for you forever.
Rule # 6: Ask for anything and everything you want
In order to get to the heights of your pleasure potential, you will need space in your relationship to ask for what you want. There are no right or wrong requests. When your partner asks what turns you on, you might think that the only appropriate answer is some sort of physical/touch technique, but that is just one of the many requests you can make. For many people, what turns them on has much more to do with psychological arousal than physiological, so just asking for how you want to be touched is not enough. For example, you might feel like it’s okay to ask your partner for a lighter touch, but not okay to ask them to tell you what an amazing ass you have. We encourage you to ask for anything and everything you want.
For example, it is helpful to let your partner know what kinds of experiences get you in the mood to have sex in the first place, whether it be a walk in nature together, a sensual massage, a solo bath, a sexy dance party in the living room, dressing up and going out somewhere, getting sexts from your partner, or being thrown against the wall. Also, your partner may be thinking all sorts of wonderful, loving, and desirous thoughts about you, but not know which ones will land well or how to say them best. If you help out by telling them, then they have a chance to do it right. The more specific you are, the more likely you are to get what you want. Try not to get frustrated when they don’t get it right away or don’t remember all the time.
Rule #7: Teach by showing
The ways you want to be touched, talked to, and looked at have to be taught through demonstration and practice. You will need to describe what you want, demonstrate it, and give gentle feedback. If you are teaching someone how you want to be talked to, then you will have to demonstrate the proper tone, inflection, and attitude.
Rule #8: Accept your partner’s desires without feeling you have to fulfill them
When your partner shares their desires with you, you might feel pressure to give them what they want. It is important to understand the difference between accepting each other’s desires and having to fulfill them. If you feel like you have to fulfill their desires but you don’t want to or feel like you can’t, you may get scared and lash out with judgment, trying to prove that their desires are bad or wrong so you won’t have to deal with them. It is scary to let some of your partner’s desires remain unfulfilled. Yet if you try to do things for your partner that are not in alignment with who you are, your partner will be able to tell and will not really be getting what they want. Additionally, you will probably feel bad about yourself or begin to shut down and resent your partner. Instead of giving your partner things you don’t want to give, we suggest that you take two steps. The first is to hear and accept your partner’s desire. The second is to see if the desire, or some part of it, is something that you feel comfortable fulfilling. For many people, having their desires heard and accepted is what makes them feel loved and connected. Others will want their desires to be met, but you might not be able to do that for them. If this is the case, and it is the case in many relationships, we recommend that you go back and reread the second section of this book, which discusses how to deal with disappointment in relationships.
Tell me what you want, what you really really want!
Relationships are hard. Being honest about our longings, fears and passions is hard. At the end of the day, if we cannot let ourselves be vulnerable about our wants, needs, fears and things that make us insecure, we cannot move past them. As mentioned in this chapter many relationship breakups have everything to do with communication. Remember back to the beginning of this book, we indicated that communication would be a big theme you’d find throughout these pages. Healthy individuals are better suited for healthy relationships. Being able to talk about what you want, what you need, and what you are scared of is a lifelong practice that can be hard. But we can do hard things. We do them all the time.
Communication and Fantasy
As they say, communication is lubrication but how does this translate to our sexual fantasies? Authentic communication about how we really feel, both with ourselves and with partners allows us to tap into our largest sex organ, our brains, and really think about what it is that we desire.
Sometimes we need a little help imagining our sexual fantasies. Sometimes we know EXACTLY what we want. Either way, it’s fun to hear other people’s fantasies. Enjoy!