9.4: Sexual Fantasies and Sexual Desire
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A sexual fantasy is any mental picture or thoughts that come to mind while you are awake that generate sexual arousal. People may use sexual fantasies either when they are alone or to heighten sexual excitement with others. Some people find it sexually arousing to share fantasies or to enact them. Sexual fantasies may also be experienced without sexual behavior, as in erotic dreams or daydreams. Masturbation often requires some form of cognitive stimulation, such as fantasy or viewing erotica, to reach orgasm.
Research shows that many Americans have inaccurate perception about which sexual fantasies and desires are “normal” and the types of fantasies that “should” turn them on. This may cause them to “censor” and repress the majority of the urges and wants and try to carry on what they think “normal” is. The real problem in this approach is an internalized shame about sexuality, and a lack of sexual communication with the partner. The truth is that these fantasies are likely normal and healthy. Once a person understands how common their sexual fantasies are and the meaning of those fantasies, it will be easier to express them to partners and achieve greater sexual satisfaction and intimacy. When partners understand the diversity of human sexual desire, it helps to see the disclosure as an opportunity to strengthen mutual trust and intimacy, and to give new energy to their sex lives.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller conducted the largest survey of sexual fantasies in America, which is the subject of his 2018 book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. He surveyed more than four thousand Americans, including persons from all fifty states. The group included all sexual identities, political and religious affiliation, and relationship types, from singles to swingers. Below are a few of the many insights.
- 97% of respondents reported having sexual fantasies. The vast majority said they fantasize somewhere between several times per week and several times per day.
- Sex with multiple partners is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans. When asked whether they had ever fantasized about different forms of group sex, 89 % reported fantasizing about threesomes, 74 % about orgies, and 61 % about gangbangs. Men were more likely to have all of these multi-partner fantasies, but majority of women also reported having each of these sex fantasies.
- Sadomasochism, or the desire to link pleasure and pain during sex, is another extremely popular American fantasy. 60 % of participants reported having fantasized about inflicting physical pain on someone else during sex, while 65 % reported having fantasized about receiving physical pain during sex. Women were more likely than men to have fantasized about both giving and receiving pain.
- People mostly fantasize about real-life, everyday people and not about celebrities. 51 % said that they fantasize about their current partner often and just 7 % of participants said that they fantasize about celebrities often.
- Porn-viewing habits influence who and what people fantasize about. One in seven participants said that their biggest sexual fantasy of all time directly stems from something they saw in porn. Porn consumption is related to the size and shape of the bodies and genitals that appear in fantasies. For example, the more porn that heterosexual men watch, the bigger women’s breasts are in their fantasies. Likewise, the more porn that heterosexual women watch, the bigger men’s penis are in their fantasies.
- In fantasies people often change themselves in some way, whether it’s having a different body shape, genital appearance, or personality. This tendency to fantasize about changing one’s physical or psychological characteristics sometimes reflects deep-seated insecurities.
- The more political and moral restrictions people place on their sexuality, the more intensely they fantasize about breaking free of them. For example, compared to Democrats, Republicans were more likely to fantasize about sexual activities that are typically considered immoral - like infidelity and orgies - or taboo - like voyeurism.
- Less than one-third of participants said they had previously acted out their biggest sexual fantasy. The remainder reported holding back for a range of reasons, but especially due to uncertainty about how to act on it, and fears that one’s partner would disapprove of or be unwilling to participate in the activity (Lehmiller, 2018).
Dr. Lehmiller extracted seven broad themes that accounted for the vast majority of all fantasies. Here are the themes going from most to least common:
- Multi-partner sex
- Power, control, and rough sex
- Novelty, adventure, and variety
- Taboo and forbidden sex
- Partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships
- Passion and romance
- Erotic flexibility - specifically, homoeroticism and gender-bending (Lehmiller, 2018)
As our largest sex organ, our brains can transport us away from all the noise that is real life. Have some fun here for a moment. Give yourself a full 5 minutes at a minimum to create a fantasy all your own. Does it involve role play? Does it involve other people? Does it feel naughty? Or is it completely G rated? Whatever it is, go with it. Allow it to entertain you for just a little while. Perhaps jot down some notes from it, and use it in the future for whatever purpose you like.
How to Tell What You Really Want?
Most of us have never been taught how to start a conversation with our partners about sexual desire. For many this conversation may seem awkward; however, there are many benefits of disclosing your sexual fantasies to a partner. First, if your fantasy revolves around a partnered activity, the disclosure may set the stage for you to act on your desire. Second, it may improve your relationship because self-disclosure has been shown to be the most powerful way of establishing intimacy (Laurenceau et al, 1998). When a person reveals a secret to us and we reciprocate, we build trust and feelings of closeness. Through mutual self-disclosure, we come to know someone the way other people do not, and this makes the bond all the more special, and there is potential to build a longer-lasting relationship. Dr. Lehmiller offers some tips that can help to make your conversation with partners about sexual desire more productive.
First, choose the timing of your sexual self-disclosures wisely, avoiding revealing everything at once. Self-disclosure is a careful process that unfolds gradually.
Second, be clear to your partner the reason why you are sharing these fantasies. Your partner would want to know whether you want to know more about each other or your goal is to act your fantasies out. When you tell your partner that you desire something different may lead to feelings of insecurity, so stress how you love and trust your partner, and this makes you want to reveal things you’ve never felt comfortable disclosing to anyone else.
Third, when your partner learns about you, you will be learning about your partner too. Self-disclosure is a transaction and goes both ways. You may discover that you and your partner do not share exact the same set of interests, but it does not mean that you are sexually incompatible. It is likely that almost every couple may have at least some shared interest given how common most fantasies are. If you do not share all the fantasies at the time of the disclosure, you may grow to desire the same things later.
Fourth, be mindful of how you will respond to your partner’s disclosures. Think not just about what you say or do if your partner expresses a desire that seems strange to you, but what your body language and facial expressions can convey. The goal of communication with your partner is to express care and respect, both verbally and nonverbally (Lehmiller, 2018).
In this podcast, How to Initiate Sex Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse is helping you calm your nerves, recover from failed initiations, and walk into each sexual encounter with more confidence.