13.7: What About Libido?
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Libido, or our desire for sex, is complex and not easily defined. Yet people tend to know if they have it or not. There can be changes in libido throughout one’s lifetime. Libido is somewhat hormone driven, but can also be affected by many other factors, which is why it is so complex and sometimes elusive.
There is responsive and spontaneous libido. Often when people complain of low to no libido, they are referring to what they once felt as spontaneous libido or desire. That feeling when you see someone or think of someone, and instantly feel desire for sexual contact. Many people don’t realize that although they may no longer have that spontaneous feeling they once had, they still have the possibility to experience responsive libido.
Responsive libido is dependent on context. Context includes external circumstances and internal brain state. Desire is arousal in the right context. For example, how we feel about our partner in the moment is part of the context. If we had a fight and are feeling hurt by them, that could affect our level of desire in that moment, most likely making it go down. On the other hand, if we had a fight and have now made up and are feeling extra close to them, that could also affect our level of desire, most likely making it increase.
As a sexuality educator, in order to help people assess if they have responsive libido, I recommend creating the right context for themselves with a partner and then being willing to be playful, not necessarily having a particular goal regarding sexual activity. Engage in sexual playtime, and see if their body starts to wake up and become aroused. If it does, then sometimes they will see they begin to experience a feeling of desire that was eluding them. So rather than waiting for that spontaneous feeling of desire, plan sexy time together and see what happens. Often people are pleasantly surprised that they still feel something. This is not the case with everyone. There are some people who struggle to find responsive libido as well. And there are some people who don’t desire to find it, who define themselves as asexual and are not looking to find that elusive libido. There is incredible variety in how we experience ourselves as sexual beings or asexual beings and no reason why we would all be the same.
For those people who are looking to find their lost libido or to increase libido, it can be helpful to understand that there are two processes going on when it comes to physical and mental arousal. Emily Nagoski explains this in her book Come As You Are, as activating the accelerator and deactivating the brakes, to use a car analogy.
Often people focus on how to activate the accelerator. What can one do to add to the situation to increase arousal level? For example, wearing a sexy outfit, or having the right lighting or music. It is also important to consider what might be putting the brakes on for someone. For example, if the house being a mess, dishes not done, laundry not put away, is a distraction for someone, then all of the sexy lingerie and music in the world isn’t going to fix that. What would work better for that person would be planning sexual activity when all that is done. That way the person can relax and let their mind focus on pleasure and not dirty dishes sitting in the sink. This is why people sometimes report better sex when on vacation. They aren’t distracted by all of the chores they associate with being in their own home.
Why don’t I desire sex and if I want to change that what are some options?
There are many things that can put the brakes on. Here is a partial list:
- Busy schedule/ Fatigue
- Depression/ Stress
- Negative effects of hormonal changes
- Sexual abuse (history or current)
- Painful intercourse
- Childcare issues
- Medications/ health problems
- Negative messages about sex/sexuality
- Relationship tension
For each one of these, there can be an antidote. It is often a matter of finding the right answer. For example, for people with busy schedules, scheduling sex is often an answer and if people are tired, then sometimes scheduling morning or afternoon sex is helpful. Addressing issues around depression and stress can be important. If it is hormonally related (as in menopause or andropause or postpartum or with breast feeding), then talking to a healthcare professional and seeing what medical options may be available can be helpful. Also, if hormone levels are low, adding hormones isn’t the only answer. Sometimes, someone just needs more stimulation than they needed in the past, so getting creative with toys or simply taking more time to let arousal happen can be key.
If there is a history of sexual abuse, letting a partner know about this and finding ways to communicate as needed during sexual activity can be helpful, to help achieve a feeling of safety. If someone is having flashbacks and feeling unsafe or disassociating in order to continue, it is helpful if this can be communicated in some way, and sexual activity can be paused and the couple can work together to bring the person to the present moment and help them feel safe enough to stay there. Tenderness and compassion are key here.
If intercourse is painful, then it makes sense that someone may not desire it. Addressing what is causing the pain is important. Speak to a healthcare professional and have an exam. Let partners know that while this is being addressed, enveloping or penetrative sex is not on the menu. It is not a good idea to push through the pain which is what some people do. The body has a memory and if someone continues to push through pain, often the body will try to protect itself by making envelopment (penetration) even more challenging. In that case, for people with vaginas, the issue can go from dyspareunia (painful sex) to vaginismus (when the vaginal muscles tighten up) making penetration more difficult and painful. Again, if this is happening, having an assessment by a healthcare professional who is knowledgeable and sensitive to this issue is important. For some people with vaginismus, having a pap smear is painful, as it requires inserting a speculum. Finding a provider who will be patient and understanding about this is key. Meanwhile, if sexual activity is still desired, there are many other ways to give and receive pleasure that do not require vaginal penetration.
When there are childcare issues, it can be helpful to work with a partner to address them and come up with a plan for some private time that works for the whole family.
There are a variety of health issues that can affect sexual functioning. Diabetes is a good example, as it affects blood flow, so it is most often noticed by people with penises who are having erection issues. It can also lead to yeast infections for people with vaginas. Often addressing the health issue, in this case, regulating one’s blood sugar, can help resolve the sexual functioning issues.
Smoking also affects blood flow, so certainly not smoking is good for one’s overall health as well as one’s ability to achieve and maintain erections. Blood flow is also important to functioning for people with vulvas, although it may not be as obvious as with penile erections. Clitorises also have erections, and in general, bringing blood flow to the genitals is part of the arousal process for people of all genders.
We all receive messages about sex and sexuality as children, whether it was spoken about or not. If it was unspoken, then the message the child internalizes is that there is something secret about sex and sexuality, and often, this becomes tied to shame. We learn that if sex is so bad that we can’t even speak of it, then it must be shameful. Some people receive direct messages saying sex is bad or wrong. Others receive more positive messages. As discussed at length throughout this book, messages about sex and sexuality may come from family, peers, media, school, community and religious organizations. Whether they were positive, negative, or neutral, these messages often stay with us through adulthood. Even if we grow up and develop different values than the ones we were raised with, these messages run deep in our psyche, and sometimes play out in unexpected ways in our sexual feelings and sexual self-esteem. Being aware of how we are continuing to hold these feelings. Are they serving us well or doing us a disservice? This is a first step in addressing them.
If there is a problem in a relationship, then addressing that can be important. Every couple is different. Some people find that if they are upset with their partner, the last thing they want to do is be sexual with them. For others, being sexual together can be part of the process of resolving differences, coming together, and feeling closer.
For some people, romance is important. For others, it is more about feeling emotionally close to a partner, and others want pure eroticism. For many people, we want a combination of these things from our sex life. There isn’t one answer that will work for everyone all of the time. It is a matter of seeing what is missing and what could be added.
Overall, having the ability to communicate one’s desires and to be open to hearing those of our partners is critical. In this sense, we can learn a lot from the BDSM and Kink community, where communication is considered absolutely critical for play, as emotional and physical safety can be a factor. Of course, our emotional and physical safety can be a factor in any sexual activity, but it is the BDSM and Kink community that make safety explicit.
In the world of BDSM and Kink, people will often negotiate terms of play ahead of time, expressing to a partner what they are willing to do, what they are not willing to do, and what things they may be willing to do under some circumstances. People in the community take these negotiations seriously. Sometimes, participants may have these agreements in writing in the form of a contract. This way, there are no surprises and people can then enjoy their playtime (sometimes referred to as a scene), working within the boundaries that have been set. For more information on BDSM and Kink, see Chapter 9, which covers types of sexual behavior.
A big part of what makes a great lover is simply being present. What better gift can one give to a lover than the feeling that they are in the moment with their partner, and wanting to be there.