13.10: Premature Ejaculation
Premature Ejaculation is another common issue that people with penises experience. There is debate about the exact definition of premature ejaculation in the medical and psychological communities. How soon is considered premature? Too soon for what? There are definitions based on IELT (intravaginal ejaculation latency time) which is the amount of time it takes to ejaculate once a penis is inside a vagina (Waldinger & Schweitzer, 2019). This definition is hetero-centric, assuming the partner has a vagina.
As a sexuality educator, what I find most helpful is to ask the client what they are experiencing and go from there. It is often helpful to assess for realistic expectations. For example, if someone says I can only last 10 minutes and I used to be able to last 20, one could affirm how this change may feel upsetting, but also affirm that 10 minutes is not an unusual amount of time.
We would also assess to see whether this issue has been lifelong or is recently acquired. Just like with ED discussions, we would want to know if it happens when the person is masturbating as well or only with partners. Many people unknowingly train themselves to be premature ejaculators. As many young people masturbate in secret and are afraid of being caught by parents or other family members, they often train their bodies to come quickly. Unfortunately for some, this training can be challenging to undo when they are with a partner, even though they would like to last longer. This is a good reason to not rush through masturbation just to get to the goal of ejaculation and orgasm quickly, but to take one’s time to feel pleasure and be present in and enjoy one’s body.
Learning to last longer is often a matter of learning to be tuned into one’s body, specifically, the feeling in one’s genitals. Some medical professionals or lay people may recommend numbing creams as a way to last longer by reducing sensation in the genitals. Yet, many sexuality professionals see tuning in, rather than numbing out, as the answer. Learning to recognize when one has reached the point of ejaculatory inevitability and be able to tune into one’s body based on this, is key. There are exercises one can do, either alone or with a willing partner, to practice, as outlined in Coping with Premature Ejaculation by McCarthy and Metz. Also being patient with oneself or one’s partner if they are dealing with this is helpful. As with ED, the more one stresses over PE, the less likely they are to be able to easily overcome it.