14.2: Consent
We’ve touched on consent throughout this book and the ways it gets complicated by power and privilege. Being communicative about what is ok and not ok throughout an intimate encounter is necessary for consent to authentically occur. Often, this is not adequately addressed, and then the encounter becomes coercive in some form. This chapter will be discussing some ways in which this coercion plays out. It is important to understand and distinguish between consent and non-consent, in any relationship between individuals who wish to participate in any sexual act. An introduction to understanding consent can be seen in this video previously mentioned in Chapter 4, Tea Consent . Consent can be defined as “an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity… [and] should be clearly and freely communicated” (What Consent Looks Like, n.d.).
Concent in Relationships
In relationships, it is mandatory to ask for consent, regardless of the duration or status of the relationship. It is expected that you get your partner’s consent every time you initiate a sexual act. People have the right to change their minds at any time, even during a sexual act, and even if they agreed to something once before, does not mean they will feel the same in the future; consent to one sexual activity does not guarantee consent to every sexual activity [thereafter] (Secretary of State for the Home Department, n.d.).
In healthy relationships, partners are able to communicate comfortably, continuously, and honestly, and inform one another of their desired levels of physical activity, from hand holding to touching, and/or having intercourse (What is Sexual Coercion, n.d). When getting physical with a crush, romantic partner, significant other, or a hookup, you absolutely have a voice and control over how far you wish to take things, if at all (What is Sexual Coercion, n.d).
The women in my life who are mothers to young girls often talk about what a scary time it is to have daughters. As a woman, I understand why. But as a mother to a young boy, I feel equally as fearful of the potential future he faces being raised in a society that normalizes and dismisses sexual violence against women. The first time I became aware that I would need to start teaching my son about consent occurred much earlier than I anticipated. When he was about a year and a half old, I was still breast feeding him, and he had gotten into the habit of walking up to me and pulling my shirt down when he wanted to nurse. He was a full blown toddler with a hearty appetite for solid food, meaning breastmilk was no longer his primary source of nutrition, and I no longer needed to nurse on demand. I decided it was time to create some boundaries around when and where I would allow him to nurse. He did not like being told no, and although it was heartbreaking for me to hold these boundaries at first, the more I did it, the more I felt that it was the perfect first opportunity to lovingly teach him about consent and bodily autonomy. As he grows, I make sure to offer plenty of opportunities for him to assert his own bodily autonomy. He knows that if we’re playing and he says “no” or “stop”, that his words will be honored immediately. He has also never been forced to give kisses or hugs to any family member, including me. I can’t know if what I’m doing is “enough” to counterbalance everything he will inevitably be exposed to out in the world. What I do know is that introducing these concepts from a very early age is becoming more and more mainstream, and this gives me great hope for a generation of children who will have a healthy and clear understanding of consent from the start.
-Juliana Garcia, mom of Wylder
Consent in Law
There are legal contexts to be aware of when giving and/or receiving consent. According to the free public resource site, AgeofConsent.net, the legal age of consent in the U.S. varies from 16-18 years old between states, and any sexual relations with someone under the age of consent is illegal and considered statutory rape . In California, the legal age of consent is 18 years old and there is no “close in age exemption,” a law that decriminalizes consensual sex between those who are underage (AgeofConsent.net, n.d.). Other factors to be taken into consideration with consent include developmental disabilities, intoxication [by alcohol and/or illegal/prescribed drugs], physical disabilities, unconsciousness, vulnerable adults, and the relationship of the victim and perpetrator (Legal Role of Consent, n.d.). Based on all of the above factors, it is understandable that there is confusion with the term consent; therefore, the need for a concrete legal definition is necessary for our judicial system.
There is no single legal definition of consent. RAINN or Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, the largest anti-sexual violence organization breaks down the complexities of consent. Each state sets its own definition, either in law or through court cases. In general, there are three main ways that states analyze consent in relation to sexual acts:
- Affirmative consent: Did the person express overt actions or words indicating agreement for sexual acts?
- Freely given consent: Was the consent offered of the person’s own free will, without being induced by fraud, coercion, violence, or threat of violence?
- Capacity to consent: Did the individual have the capacity, or legal ability, to consent?
Source: Legal role of consent . RAINN. (n.d.). Retrieved February 28, 2022, from https://www.rainn.org/articles/legal-role-consent
In the legal field, one prominent issue is that the definition of consent also varies between states or is altogether lacking, which can be detrimental in prosecuting sexual assault cases. Joyce Short, CEO of Consent Awareness Network (CAN), proposes a legal definition of consent as, “freely given, knowledgeable, and informed agreement” [ #FGKIA ] and stresses that consent is more complex than yes or no (McCrystal, 2021).
Planned Parenthood also offers an acronym to help define consent, stating “consent is as easy as FRIES”:
- Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
- Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.
- Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
- Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
- Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex) (Sexual Consent, n.d.).
Communication is key. Yes means yes.
In an effort to combat sexual assault in college and how they are handled, the affirmative consent campaign, or “Yes Means Yes” (SB-967) was proposed to the senate. Our society has a deep history of protecting perpetrators, and silencing and blaming survivors. In 2014, California was the first state to sign the bill SB-967 into law. The law requires all colleges receiving state funding to have policies that “adopt an affirmative consent standard to be used when investigating sexual assault complaints and proceeding through the disciplinary process” (Emba, 2015). Affirmative consent is defined as:
a knowing, voluntary, and mutual decision among all participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent can be given by words or actions, as long as those words or actions create clear permission regarding willingness to engage in the sexual activity. Silence or a lack of resistance does not demonstrate consent. The definition of consent does not vary based upon a participant's sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression (SUNY, n.d.).
This further breakdown of consent is a necessary step to protect all survivors of assault, and teach sexually active individuals what consent looks and sounds like, compared to when they are not. While there is progress among state and local governments in adopting policies such as these to end sexual violence, it is imperative that our society as a whole understands the boundaries of consent and when it has been breached, therefore, ending victim-blaming and establishing a new standard for solutions.
#METOO
#MeToo is a social movement against sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and rape culture, in which people publicize their experiences of sexual abuse or sexual harassment. The phrase "Me Too" was initially used in this context on social media in 2006, on Myspace, by sexual assault survivor and activist Tarana Burke. Burke highlighted the fact that sexual violence knows no race, class, or gender, but the response to sexual violence does. The #metoo movement has brought voice to sexual assault survivors and served as a support for those who have been negatively impacted by sexual assault. As with all other aspects of social stratification, those who carry greater privilege have always received better treatment under the eyes of the law. Women of color experience lesser support and belief by others that it took place when reporting sexual assault or harassment than white women. Structural racism and misogyny are often to blame for these differing responses. Because of white privilege and an expectation of the law being there to protect them, studies have found that white women are more likely to report incidents than women of color. These discrepancies disadvantage women of color, and make getting support harder (Berdahl and Moore, 2006). The #metoo movement recognizes that these cultural hierarchies stand in the way of true progress for all of us who have experienced sexual assault. While this movement was started to support those often unheard voices of the marginalized, it is embedded within larger cultural scripts around who is a legitimate victim and who is an abuser, which is inherently problematic. Shifting the focus from specific individuals who were hurt or who hurt someone to an examination of the social structure that maintains rape culture can help move in a direction where sexual violence is less prevalent. In that regard, #METOO has helped to push legislation forward in terms of workplace harassment policies, and has opened the door for more people to share their stories.