12.3: Relationships with Friends and Family in Early Adulthood
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Learning Objectives
By the end of this section, you will be able to:
- Explain the role of social contexts for the developing individual in early adulthood
- Describe the role of friendships across early adulthood
- Discuss the major changes in family relations across early adulthood
When she began college ten years ago, Emily decided to stay at home and attend part-time as a commuter to save money. Now graduated with a computer science degree and working full time as a software developer, Emily is 28 and still living at home. She has a supportive group of friends she can talk to about her career and personal life, and she is looking to buy a condo with the money she has saved over the last ten years with the support of her family.
Emily’s story illustrates the complex interaction of our dependence on others with the early adulthood tasks associated with personal development and independence. In this section we examine more specifically some of the interpersonal relationships important to the development of young adults, including friends and family.
The Significance of Social Context
According to self-determination theory , our success and well-being are maximized when we balance our needs for autonomy , competence , and relatedness (Ryan and Deci, 2000). These aspects of developmental well-being are interrelated and can influence each other in complex ways. For example, a new job might bring financial independence, which increases your autonomy, and opportunities for professional development that increase your competence. But it might also require you to relocate or spend less time with friends and family, which decreases your relatedness. So just as we must revisit and recalibrate aspects of the self to fit the developmental tasks of early adulthood, so too must we renegotiate our relationships with friends and family in the context of our goals and emerging independence.
However, the cultural context of these relationships has changed. Today’s emerging adults are more likely than in the past to experience developmental transitions unrelated to family: They are deferring marriage and children in favor of personal development goals such as obtaining higher education, starting careers, and leaving home. Evidence suggests that friends might be more influential supports during these transitions than family (Fiori et al., 2020). At the same time, a greater number of young adults today live at home with their parents or receive financial support from them. A recent poll found that 65 percent of parents have provided financial support to their young adult children within the last year, averaging $718 a month (Rawson et al., 2024).
The Role of Friends
Summarizing his review of the research on friendship development, Jeffrey Arnett concluded that “friendships change over the course of emerging adulthood, and such changes are more closely linked to life transitions (e.g., transition to college, starting a career, changing romantic status, transition to parenthood) than to age-related developmental changes. Perhaps changes in friendships also reflect changing needs in terms of support for developmental tasks” (Arnett, 2015, p. 224).
“Change” here can refer to changes in the number of friends we have, who they are, and the qualities, functions, and outcomes of our friendships. Arnett’s conclusion is consistent with Selman’s classic theory of friendship development (1980), which asserts that friendships in emerging adulthood evolve to autonomous interdependence . In this stage, friends appreciate and respect each other’s individuality and identity but also rely on each other for the support needed to achieve their own goals. For example, when asked about personal goals such as academic success or physical fitness, college students indicated they would rather spend time with friends who help them to achieve those goals than friends who actually share the characteristics they hope to acquire (Slotter & Gardner, 2011; Aron et al., 2022). In other words, friendships in early adulthood.
Research finds that young adult friendships can promote and create interconnections among the three elements of self-determined behavior-- relatedness, autonomy, and competence (Figure 12.12). Young adults who perceive that their friends will be there to help them when they need it have higher self-esteem (Langheit & Poulin, 2024). Stronger friendship attachments in emerging adulthood are also positively associated with progress on developmental tasks, such as identity exploration, taking on responsibility for others, and becoming more independent (Schnyders et al., 2018). Self-determination also predicts positive well-being, and close and supportive friendships in early adulthood reduce feelings of loneliness and increase happiness (Demir et al., 2015; Nicolaisen & Thorsen, 2017).
Friendships become deeper in early adulthood, characterized by increasing intimacy and trust, and they often provide more social support than family during times of change (Arnett, 2007; Lee & Goldstein, 2016; Miething et al., 2017; Schnyders et al., 2018). Friends confide in and seek advice from each other about their dating and sex lives, which they might not be comfortable discussing with family members (Carlson, 2014; Tagliabue et al., 2018; Astle et al., 2022). Friendship networks also expand in young adulthood (Wrzus et al., 2013). For example, many first-year college students rely more on their friends from home during their first semester, but research finds that making new friends within the new roles and settings of early adulthood increases a sense of belonging and promotes long-term well-being (Paul & Brier, 2001; Strayhorn, 2018; Patel & Ploughman, 2024).
High-quality and supportive relationships with friends during early adulthood are predictive of psychological and physical health, regardless of race or ethnicity (Szkody et al., 2021). However, the social networks of those who are White and educated include a larger proportion of friends than among those who are Black or have less education (Ajrouch et al., 2024). People of color are more likely to have kin-friends, meaning family members such as cousins who function in friendship roles. Friendships tend to form within the settings of our daily routines such as school, work, and community, and the college experience in particular may expand the proportion of friends (compared to family) in a person’s social network (Ballard, 2019; Plummer et al., 2016). (Figure 12.13).
However, college students from low socioeconomic backgrounds often feel like outsiders in a college setting and are unsure how to get involved in campus activities where they might form supportive new friendships (Rubin, 2012; Peteet et al., 2015). In fact, having friends with higher perceived socioeconomic status actually increased feelings of incompetence in low-socioeconomic students (MacInnis et al., 2019). In contrast, young adults who form close friendships with someone of a different racial or ethnic identity report that, while the depth and intimacy of these friendships took longer to build than with adults of their own identity, the resulting closeness increased their understanding of diverse perspectives. Young adults are more likely than middle-aged adults to have a close friendship with someone of a different racial or ethnic identity, and being a person of color and having a higher education increases the likelihood of having a cross-ethnic friendship (Plummer et al., 2016).
The Role of Family
The transition into adult responsibilities and independence can be challenging. In fact, since 2016, the Swedish government has offered programs to support mental health, employment, engaged citizenship, and other important needs during emerging adulthood (The European Commission, 2024). However, in the United States, families remain the primary support for the young adult transition, providing on average 10 percent of their income to their young adult children (Wightman et al., 2012). While some young adults report feeling guilty about their reliance on this financial support, most are comfortable if the assistance is framed as temporary and supporting a longer-term goal of adult independence. In this section we explore the way young adults and their families navigate this balance in their relationship as children launch into adulthood.
It Depends: How Grandparents Inform Our Lives
While grandparents’ impact on the lives of younger grandchildren has been well-documented, less is known about their continuing role during the transitions of early adulthood. Abigail Stephan, a researcher in Clemson University’s Institute for Engaged Aging, surveyed young adults to learn more about the quality of their relationships with their grandparents and the continued influence of those relationships on the decisions young adults make about their lives.
Participants often felt closer to some grandparents than to others. The past role of a grandparent as a childhood caregiver did not predict these differences. Instead, they were sometimes the result of larger family dynamics or individual personalities, but respondents also tended to feel closest to grandparents who had lived nearby during their childhood. Young adults reported that as they got older they began to “take more ownership” of those relationships, rather than relying on their parents or grandparents to manage them.
Young adults whose relationships with their grandparents were positive said they now take more initiative to stay in touch via text, phone calls, and visits, especially if they moved for jobs or college. However, for some young adults, this meant making the decision to end contentious relationships with grandparents they perceived as negatively affecting family well-being and cohesion. Still others said adulthood had given them the perspective to realize that grandparents are imperfect individuals who serve as examples of both flawed and admirable behavior and values.
Overall, Dr. Stephan concluded that, “Despite variation in the structure and substance of grandparent relationships held by participants—a level of diversity that is expected both within and across family systems—the acknowledgement of their grandparents’ influence was interspersed throughout the interviews…All participants were conscious of the impact their grandparents have on their values and subsequent decisions regarding careers, life partners, child-rearing, and perspectives on functioning in the world” (Stephan, 2024).
Leaving Home
In the United States a person can expect to move almost 12 times during their lifetime. Adults between 20 and 29 move the most, because many of the developmental tasks of young adulthood, such as job changes and the achievement of financial independence, require relocating (Mariotti, 2022) (Figure 12.14).
For many young adults, the decision about whether, when, and why to move from their parents’ home is affected by culture, education, financial considerations, and responsibilities. Culture and ethnicity can influence the decision, as can the parent-child relationship. Among immigrants in Canada, for example, Chinese families, Southern European families (including Italian and Greek), and South Asian families (including Indian and Pakistani) cited marriage or cohabiting with a romantic partner as the most expected/acceptable reason for their young adult child to leave the family home. Among South Asian families, adult sons are often expected to continue living in the parental home after marriage as part of a multi-generational household, which is more common in families with collectivistic values (Mitchell & Wister, 2015). British immigrant families cited educational and employment opportunities as the most expected reasons for adult children to leave their parents’ home (Figure 12.15).
In the United States, ethnicity, age, income, and gender are all predictors of the likelihood that a young adult will live at home (Srygley, 2023). White young adults are the least likely group to do so, likely explained in part by cultural norms that prioritize individuality and independence. However, race and ethnicity are also tied to socioeconomic status and educational opportunities, and young adults who live with their parents are more likely to have low income, difficulty paying bills, and little to no savings. They are also less likely to be college educated. In the preceding image, we saw that young men are also more likely to live with their parents than young women, most likely because young women are more likely to be married and college educated, developmental milestones that provide reasons and means for living independently.
When young adults do move from their parents’ home, they usually don’t go far. Sixty percent live within 10 miles of their childhood home and 80 percent within 100 miles, though the distance varies by race/ethnicity and parental income (Hendren et al., 2022; Sprung-Keyser et al., 2022). These group differences are again most likely influenced by differing cultural priorities placed on staying near and being engaged with family, pursuing higher education, and career goals.
For example, among the low-income regions of Appalachia, White young adults leave their hometown at much lower rates than the national average (Hendren et al., 2022). Proximity between adult children and their parents is associated with increased contact (Deane et al., 2016). This contact helps promote what family sociologist Vernon Bengtson called intergenerational solidarity (Bengtson & Schrader, 1982), a closeness among family generations promoted by frequent interaction, expressions of affection, alignment of values and beliefs, provision of help, proximity, and shared family norms and traditions.
After Leaving Home
The effect of a child moving out varies among cultures, as well as among individual families (Figure 12.16). For example, U.S. children and their parents typically report a decrease in conflict once the young adult moves out (Morgan et al., 2010; Fang et al., 2021), while Portuguese parents report experiencing greater agitation following the move (Mendonça & Fontaine, 2013). These differing emotional reactions are tied to different cultural values. White and U.S.-born young adults are more likely to view the role of family as supporting the aspirations and advancement of young adult children. However, ethnic minority young adults and those from immigrant families are more likely to feel a “generational interdependence” in which help flows in all directions among siblings, parents, grandparents, and adult children (Swartz et al., 2017, p. 27).
Most U.S. parents describe their relationship with their young adult children as “very good” or “excellent,” staying in contact by phone or text at least several times a week (Minkin et al., 2024). They are satisfied with their level of involvement in the lives of their young adult children and continue to provide emotional support, especially from mothers to daughters. Young adult children continue to seek guidance from their parents, especially on career, health, and finances, and the most common source of disagreement is the young adult’s financial decisions. Perhaps most transformative is that many parents feel they now truly know each other beyond their roles as parent and child (Minkin et al., 2024).
U.S.-born young adults, in particular, desire equitable relationships with their parents – like that of close friends (Figure 12.17). In fact, many young adults describe a parent as their best friend. Jake, an attorney from Chicago, says he talks to his family 2 to 3 times per week and solves his problems “by committee” (Swartz et al., 2017, p. 34). Rather than comparing their relationships to friendships, young adults from immigrant families describe their parents as more “directive” and focus on “family sociability and solidarity” generated by family gatherings, traditions, and celebrations.
Some parents may be tempted to make life easier for their young adult children by hovering over their day-to-day activities and decisions (even from afar). But young adults who perceive their parents as controlling or manipulative are more likely to feel anxious and indecisive when making choices and commitments (Luyckx et al., 2007; Luebbe et al., 2018). Young adults and their parents must make space in their relationship for the value of trial-and-error. Even at this stage of life, the family can still serve as a secure base that provides young adults with the confidence and security to explore new people, places, and roles as they step into the adult world.
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