The Social Exchange Theory and its rational choice formula clarify the selection process even further. We strive to maximize rewards and minimize costs in our choices of a mate.
When we interact with potential dates and mates we run a mental balance sheet in our heads. She might think, "He's tall, confident, funny, and friends with my friends." As she talks a bit more she might say, "But, he chews tobacco, only wants to party, and just flirted with another woman while we were talking." The entire time we interact with potential dates and mates we evaluate them on their appearance, disposition, goals and aspirations, and other traits. This while simultaneously remembering how we rate and evaluate ourselves. Rarely do we seek out the best looking person at the party unless we define ourselves as an even match for him or her. More often we rank and rate ourselves compared to others and as we size up and evaluate potentials we define the overall exchange rationally or in an economic context where we try to maximize our rewards while minimizing our losses.
The overall evaluation of the deal also depends to a great extent on how well we feel matched on racial and ethnic traits, religious background, social economic class, and age similarities. The complexity of the date and mate selection process includes many obvious and some more subtle processes that you can understand for yourself. If you are single you can apply them to the date and mate selection processes you currently pursue.
Bernard Murstein wrote articles in the early 1970s where he tested his Stimulus-Value-Role Theory of marital choice \({ }^5\). To Murstein the exchange is mutual and dependent upon the subjective attractions and the subjective assets and liabilities each individual brings to the relationship. The stimulus is the trait (usually physical) that draws your attention to the person. After time is spent together dating or hanging out, values (notions of what is desirable or undesirable) are compared for compatibility and an evaluation of the maximization of rewards while minimization of costs is calculated. If after time and relational compatibility supports it, the pair may choose to take roles (being a boyfriend, a wife, etc.) which typically include exclusive dating, cohabitation, engagement, or marriage. Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\) shows how the Stimulus-Values-Role Theory might overlap with a couple's development of intimacy over increased time and increased interaction.
Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\). Depiction of Stimulus-Value-Role Theory with Intimacy and Over Time \& Interaction
How do strangers transition from not even knowing one another to eventually cohabiting or marrying together? From the very first encounter, two strangers begin a process that either excludes one another as potential dates or mates or includes them and begins the process of establishing intimacy. Intimacy is the mutual feeling of acceptance, trust, and connection to another person, even with the understanding of personal faults of the individual. In other words, intimacy is the ability to become close to one another, to accept one another as is, and eventually to feel accepted by the other. Intimacy is not sexual intercourse, although sexual intercourse may be one of many expressions of intimacy. When two strangers meet they have a stimulus that alerts one or both to take notice of the other.
Judith Wallerstein's \({ }^6\) book discusses a story where one woman was on a date with a guy and overheard another man laughing like Santa Clause might laugh. She asked her date to introduce her and that began the relationship which would become her decades-long marriage to the Santa Clause laughing guy. Many people discuss some subtle connection that just felt safe, like a reunion with a long lost friend when they first met one another.
In the stimulus stage some motivation at the physical, social, emotional, intellectual or spiritual level sparks interests and the interaction begins. Over time and with increased interaction, two people may make that journey of values comparisons and contrasts which inevitably includes or excludes the other. The more time and interaction that is accompanied by increased trust and acceptance of one's self and the other, the more the intimacy and probability of a long-term relationship.
Even though Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\). shows that a smooth line of increasing intimacy can occur, it does not always occur so smoothly or so predictably. As the couple reaches a place where a bond has developed they establish patterns of commitment and loyalty which initiates the roles listed in Figure 2. The list of roles is listed in increasing order of level of commitment yet does not indicate any kind of predictable stages the couple would be expected to pursue. In other words, some couples may take the relationship only as far as exclusive dating which is the mutual agreement to exclude others from dating either individual in the relationship. Another couple may eventually cohabit or marry.
It should be mentioned that what you'd look for in a date is often different from what you might look for in a spouse. Dates are temporary adventures where good looks, fun personality, entertainment capacity, and even your social status by being seen in public with him or her are considered important. Dates are short-term and can be singular events or a few events. Many college students who have dated more than once develop "A Thing" or a relationship noticed by the individuals and their friends as either beginning or having at least started, but not quite having a defined destination. These couples eventually hold a DTR. A DTR means a moment where the two individuals "Define the Relationship" openly to determine if both want to include each other in a specific goal-directed destination (i.e., exclusive dating) or if it's better for everyone if the relationship ends.
Have you ever experienced one of these? Many describe them as awkward. A DTR can be awkward because of what is at stake. DTRs can be extremely risky in terms of how much of one's self has to be involved and in terms of how vulnerable it makes each other feel. In the TV series The Office, Jim and Pam experience a number of DTRs that early on in the relationship ended with either or both of them wanting more closeness and commitment, but neither of them being capable of making it happen. The Office is fiction, but the relationships clearly reflect some of the human experience in an accurate way.
Notice that Jim and Pam were from the same part of the country, had very many social and cultural traits in common, and both met in a setting where they could see each other on a regular basis and have the opportunity to go through the Stimulus-Value-Role (SVR) process. Homogamy, propinquity, need matching, compatibility, and eventually commitment all applied in their story together. The cultural similarities of a couple cannot be emphasized enough in this discussion.
Many of those living in the United States share common mainstream cultural traits, regardless of ancestral heritage or ethnic background, date and mate selection occurs for nearly all members of society. Figure 3 shows a list of cultural and ethnic background traits that influence how the inclusion and exclusion decisions are made, depending on how similar or different each individual defines themselves to be in relation to the other. Many who teach relationship skills in cross-cultural or trans-racial relationships focus on the similarity principle.
The similarity principle states that the more similar two people perceive themselves to be, the more likely their relationship will continue and succeed. Notice the word, perceive, because actual similarities are not as critical as an individual's belief that there are common characteristics. Also, certain individuals value one background trait over others. They may be more willing to overlook or ignore differences in traits which are not as similar.
Cultural and Ethnic Background Traits
Language
Religion
Traditions \& Holidays
Lifestyles and self-identification
Workplace skills
Educational aspirations and achievements
Age similarity
Physical appearance (skin color, facial features, \& body shape and size)
Food preferences
Political leanings
Economic similarities
Common shared experiences (IE: Military background)
Family cultural similarities and compatibilities
Physical attractiveness similarities
Hobbies and interest similarities
Life goals similarities
Others...
In the Movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the Greek-American woman who was the main character meets a strikingly handsome professional man from a different ethnic background. Much of the difficulty she had in including him as a mate was her perception that her cultural and family background was unattractive and could not be desirable to potential mates. He was deeply attracted to her family because it filled his need for family connection, tradition, and support. He learned the Greek culture and adopted her family as his surrogate family.
In real life, most don't make such profound concessions when choosing a mate. The relationship is less likely to develop if there are few or no common traits and more likely if there are more common traits, especially in the areas of commonality that the individuals define as being very important.
Dating often turns into exclusive or boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships. These relationships are crucial in the lives of young adults because they allow each other to gain experience in the daily routines of intimate relationships. They don't always develop into long-term relationships, but practicing in healthy relationships is far more valuable than the grieving from breaking up.
There are some rules that can be summarized about how we include dates or mates in our pool of eligibles. Figure 4 shows that rule \#1 is exogamy. Exogamy is the tendency to pair off with or marry someone outside of your own familial groups.
Rule \#4 is to maximize homogamy and look for commonalities that will smooth out the daily adjustments of the relationship. It is doubtful you'd ever find a perfect match on all of these traits, but make sure you find a good match of complimentary personality traits and background characteristics.
Rule\# 5 is very important. You must learn to discern trouble and danger in a date or mate. Intimate violence is the worst and most deadly violence especially for women. Their dates, mates, spouses, and life partners are more likely to cause them violent harm than will any other category of relationship in their lives. Figure 5 provides some criteria to identify as red flags, warning signs, or danger signs.
The risky and dangerous traits you might see in a potential date or mate can be early warning signals to raise red flags. In fairness, the presence of any one of these may just indicate a bad day. Some potential dates and mates are predatorial. That means they search for types of people they can manipulate and control and try to pair off with them. The presence of a few of these could raise your suspicions enough to become a savvy shopper, discriminating consumer, or even a detective of danger signs. Remember, that when dating and selecting a mate overcautious discernment is justified.
Most people never experience the extreme dangers of dating. For most it's more of an emotional risk than a safety risk. Many chose to marry and do so more often in the warmer months of the year than in the other months. When relationships form and engagements are made and agreed upon, an entire social experience is initiated where new social roles and networks begin to unfold. Engaged people announce their plans to family and friends and by so doing initiate a few processes within the social community of each fiancé.
Announcements of the engagement begin the process of exclusion of others. All other potential suitors and dates are excluded from the pool of eligibles while exclusive monogamy begins in almost every aspect of the couple's lives. She often wears a ring that ranges from \(\$ 2\) to 10,000 dollars. That ring deters most because it symbolizes her agreement to marry her fiancé. The couple often formalizes their wedding plans in newspaper, mailed out invitations to the reception, and or online announcements. In-laws are people you become related to by virtue of marrying into your fiancé's family network. It has been said that you get in-laws and out-laws when you marry. Not all in-laws will get along with the couple as well as might be wished.
Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\). Five Rules of Date and Mate Selection
The creation of extended kin ties is crucial to a successful engagement. To some degree in-laws are expected to at least be compatible with the new family member (fiancé) and if possible in another degree to establish close relational bonds. Engagement also signifies to the couple the ultimate direction of their courtship. Marriage and the merging of social networks, belongings, monies, physical intimacy, rights, children, and many other things becomes the focus. Engagement provides the couple with opportunities to practice being married, in many different aspects of the relationship.
Most engagements end in marriage. But, some end in a breaking up event where the marriage is cancelled. Sometimes couples realize that they were not as compatible as they originally thought themselves to be. Sometimes, they are geographically separated by various circumstances and find that their commitment did not withstand the test of time and space. Other times in-laws and extended family incompatibilities work against the marriage. And finally sometimes, people just fall out of love or lose interest.
For those who are searching for a spouse the market is an uneven playing field. The United States has what social scientists call a marriage squeeze. A marriage squeeze is a demographic imbalance in the number of males to females among those considered to be of marrying ages. There is also a phenomenon called the marriage gradient. The marriage gradient is the tendency for women to marry a man slightly older and slightly taller while men tend to marry a woman slightly more attractive.
Table \(\PageIndex{1}\): Risky, Dangerous, and Otherwise Unhealthy Traits in Potential Dates and Mates
Is critical to you about things you cannot change (your physical traits, Shaming personality, or quirks)
Shaming
Is physically violent toward others (family, friends, or strangers)
Angry
Flies into a rage when frustrated (very impatient or can't handle when things don't go his or her way)
Violent
Stands you up for appointments without excusing him or herself
Disrespectful
Makes everything about him or herself almost all of the time
Intolerant
Can't tolerate your honest opinion (you have to walk on ricepaper)
Blaming
Flirts with others in your presence
Unregulated (not self-controlled)
Blames everyone but self ("never my fault")
Victim
Is extremely needy and demands that you take care of those needs
Needy
Tries to take physical liberties with you regardless of your protests orconcerns
Bully
Minimizes rudeness and inconsideration with humor (often says "justkidding")
Mean
Shows little or no remorse when wrongs you or another
Inconsiderate
Steals your things or your money
Selfish
Tries to isolate you from friends, family, and others
Domineering
Schedules your activities and routines without consulting you
Controlling
Fails to respect your decision to say no
Unkind
Overdoes the substances (drinks, smokes, pills, etc.)
Dishonest,
Based on the U.S. Census there are about 15,675,000 males and 15,037,000 females aged 18 to 24. That boils down to 638,000 extra males in the marriage market 18 to 24 years old. Since women tend to want to marry a man slightly older the marriage market is squeezed because there are too few females for all the available males.
China and India have tremendous problems with their marriage squeeze issues. Because of sexselection abortion, cultural preferences for males, female infanticide, and cultural definitions as female children being a burden rather than a source of joy and rejoicing they are missing tens of millions of females in these populations. For example, in 2001 India had 35 million extra men nationwide. \({ }^7\) In 2003 China was reported to also have about 35 million extra men. \({ }^8\)
Footnotes
5. Physical attractiveness and marital choice. (1972). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 22(1), 8-12; Who will marry whom? Theories and research in marital choice. (1976). New York; Springer.
