6.2: Love in Short-term and Long-term Relationships

In the overall evaluation of the relationship, the loss of that safe and nurturing relationship where the self is threatened signals a very high cost to the individual who must weigh that cost against the rewards and potential outcomes. This is why many short-term relationships end abruptly and why many long-term ones continue on even when things look and feel really bad between lovers. Figure 3 shows the characteristics of short and long-term relationships.

Short-term relationships tend to have a relatively brief period of time between acquaintance and the onset of sexual relations. Many short-term relationships have fantasy elements in that one or both partners views the nature of the relationship in unrealistic terms and inflates its good qualities to better match the fantasy. Short-term relationships tend to have more drama, conflict, and infidelity or absence of loyalty, especially when apart. Short-term relationships have not developed to the degree that exclusiveness is expected or offered. The intensity of the relationship comes with obsession over how the couple appears to others and often a compulsion to keep up appearances even though you know the relationship is not going to lead to anything over time.

There is also an overemphasis on physical and sexual expressions which often sooth anxious hearts rather than work out problems that need to be addressed. It could be argued that newly formed relationships suffer from sexual "medication" where relational problem solving would be better suited. Finally there is a deep need for the other partner to measure up to something he or she is not.

Long-term relationships may have begun with some of the exact same traits that shortterm ones have, but somewhere along the way both are able to transition out of the newness and superficialities of the relationship into the long-term maintenance of the rapport. Friendships are proven over time, trial, and everyday mundane exposure to one another. Sexual relationship was an adjunct to the overall relationship, not the focus and occupation of it. Intimacy has deepened because it has been tested and sustained by loyalty, devotion, and exclusive fidelity to one another. Forgiveness is possible and often provided because each knows that both are human and prone to make mistakes-how might one partner demand perfection of the other when he or she cannot offer perfection in return?

In both the early and continuing eras of the relationship, each excludes potential rivals and chooses to remain faithful to the other. Both need each other on a daily basis (interdependence) and both provide the other their space, time alone, and individuality (mutual independence). There is also an element of altruism and nurturance of the other (even when it's not reciprocated all the time). Couples can also procure help in medical, emotional, relational, and familial areas of need. Since sexual intercourse is common and part of everyday life, it requires negotiation and mutual agreement in the relationship.

Table \(\PageIndex{1}\): Comparison of Characteristics of Short-term and Long-term Relationships

High Insecurity	High Vulnerability	High Intimacy	High Trust
	Characteristics of Short-term Relationships	Characteristics of Long-term Relationships:
	Brief delay before sexual relationship begins	Friendship that has passed the test of life's trials
	Fantasy basis for interactions	Sexual relationship that followed friendship and trust
	Dramatic conflict and/or violence	Intimacy that has proven stability
	Focus on status and physical looks	Negotiated sexual compatibility
	Search for extremely intense experiences together	Track record of loyalty and devotion
	Obsession in needing to be a "Thing”	Interdependence and mutual independence
	Compulsion toward continuing relationship even after one or both know it's not going to work out	Track record of altruism toward each other
	Loyalty while together, wondering eyes while apart	Successful exclusion of partner's rivals
	Easy blow ups and speedy recoveries slathered in erotic interaction	Ability to get needed help
	Pressure for partner to be something different	Established patterns of problem solving
		Capacity to forgive partner's mistakes and faults
		Steady and enduring enjoyment of everyday experiences
Duration of Relationship	Shorter------------------------------------->	Longer ------------------------------------->

\({ }^1\) Lee, John, A (1988) ALove Styles@ in The Psychology of Love; Sternberg, R. \& Barnes, M eds. New Haven CT: Yale U. Press
\({ }^2\) Maslow's pyramid of Hierarchy of Needs, Being and Deficiency love
\({ }^3\) Google Robert Sternberg, Triangular Theory of Love, Consummate Love