Some couples do divorce then remarry each other, but this is rare. Remarriage after divorce is much more likely to occur if the divorcees are in their 20s. The odds of remarriage decline in the 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. Remarriage typically occurs sooner for the man than the woman. When a newly divorced woman or man finds themselves on the market, they often feel inept. Many express concern in lacking the courting skills required to meet someone new or initiate new relationships. For the most part, they are right. They, like most married people mentally leave the marriage-courting market and avail themselves to the business of being married and parents. Their sudden reentry into the dating scene is typically unexpected and intimidating. Men tend to move more quickly into the dating arena, seeking for social and emotional connection from their new-found friends. Women are typically more socially and emotionally connected while married, so after the divorce they tend to have more friends and more ongoing family relationships.
A study of elderly divorced men and women contrasted their current state in terms of financial and socialemotional well being. By far, men were better off financially and women were better off in social and emotional areas of their lives. \({ }^8\) This tends to be true in most cases for young and old alike. Men rarely get custody of the children after divorce. If his ex-wife is awarded an average child support and alimony, he still experiences an increase in his standard of living after divorce and he has the freedom from child rearing (which is not very healthy for the children).
For example, let's say he earned \$48,000 per year and had three children. That would mean that \$48,000 divided by five family members equals a pre-divorce standard of living of \$9,600 per family member. Let's say she was awarded a hefty \(\$ 12,000\) per year in child support and alimony. Because she now has the children their standard of living drops to \(\$ 3,000\) per year per family member. His post-divorce standard of living skyrockets to \(\$ 36,000\) for himself. If he does the honorable thing and pays his financial obligations, then his ex-wife qualifies for welfare and he can live with relative financial freedom. That pattern, even though the details vary, is extremely common among today's divorcees-she has the children and poverty and he has the freedom and finances.
This, in part, explains why he is more likely to start dating sooner than her, and eventually why he remarries sooner than her. When formerly married individuals enter the dating and marriage market they experience similar fears and anxieties that never married daters feel. But, there is a significant difference in what they bring to the marriage market place. Each has a history of a long-term sexual, social, emotional, and coexisting relationship. Add to that the issues that contributed to the marital breakup, and you are looking at a complex dating experience with divorcees experiencing the date while carrying a vast store of positive and negative memories and experiences into the date. One might expect that remarriage courtships would take longer than never married courtships from first date to marriage. The opposite has been found to be true. Most remarries court for less time before they remarried. It is believed that they are more aware of themselves, of how intimate relationships work, and of what they need at the moment than never marrieds. It's even more complicated than that.
When someone is on the marriage market they do look for homogamous mates (persons of similar tastes and backgrounds). They also look for those they are compatible with and for those who survive the filtering process (elimination of undesirables from the marriage pool). But, remarriers filter with a specific and unique filter in comparison to never marrieds. They look for someone who is not the same person they just divorced. They especially try to find someone who they perceive will do for them what their ex could not or would not do. Like all persons on the marriage market, remarriers look to maximize their rewards while minimizing their losses or costs (Social Exchange Theory). Figure 5 shows a diagram of some of these rewards and costs, which remarriers would typically consider while on the market. Notice on the top of the diagram that men tend to have more rewards when they come to the marriage market than do women. Add to that the absence of children and you can see, in part, why men remarry sooner than women.
Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): The Rewards and Costs Considered by Men and Women in the Remarriage Marketplace
The “rewards” lists some of the desirable traits sought out by men and women alike. Some of these are emphasized more by potential mates than others. Financial security is a major draw for potential mates. Adequacy, comfort, and luxury are examples of desirable levels of financial security. For decades Sociologists have taught the principle of relative deprivation. Relative deprivation is the perception of advantage or disadvantage that comes from our own personal experiences in comparison to others. This means, we compare our current circumstances to the circumstances of others based on our past experiences. When divorced with three children, a single mother may find a potential mate attractive if he can simply relieve some of her financial burden. If divorced with three children and middle class, a single mother may find a potential mate attractive if he can maintain the middle class status. Finally, a wealthy divorcee may seek someone to provide luxury.
In understanding expectations on finances or any other desirable trait in a remarriage partner, it is crucial to consider the issue of "perceived advantage or disadvantage." Not only do remarrieds (and everyone else) consider their current rewards in contrast to past experiences, but they do so subjectively. In other words, emotions play into the formula, which modify the maximize rewards and minimize costs decision making process. Also, some may ignore money altogether if they feel a stronger need for companionship or trustworthiness. Married couples have sex about three times per week. After divorce it drops dramatically for both ex-spouses. Sex and the intimacy that often comes with it motivate both men and women to seek out another mate. Loneliness is a big issue for divorcees. Men quickly find dating partners and are capable of attaining intimacy through dating. Women have the company of children and other family and friends that were in place before the divorce. But, those relationships may not fulfill the social and emotional needs that can be found in a spouse or intimate partner.
As simple as it may sound, if a desirable partner is available, then he or she is more appealing. Someone not in a deep relationship or engaged is immediately available for interaction and potential relationship building. Many seek another partner to distract them from their divorce pain and grief. There is nothing innately wrong about this. Healthy dating and associations can be part of the healing process. But marrying too soon, during the still-in-recovery state of mind, can be detrimental because once the injured partner heals, they may discover that they were not a good match after all. Divorce risks are higher in 2nd, 3rd, and 4th marriages than they are in first marriages. You've probably heard about "rebound relationships or marriages." Marrying on the rebound is considered to be premature and unwise.
Friendship and love are essential needs all people have. Adjusting to the absences of friendship and love, even if your children are with you, is a difficult task for many. Adults often need adult friendship and love. For single mothers with custody (and the few single fathers who have custody), seeking out a coparent who can live in the home with the family is a major reward. The single parent wants the children to have two parents influencing them and will often seek a mother or a father for the kids. For younger and older singles, children are an issue. Some younger divorcees don't want to marry a single parent while others do. Typically, the presence of children in the divorced woman's care will lower the odds of her remarriage.
Children over the age of 18 are not as strong a deterrent as are the younger ones. The stepfather or stepmother only commits to be a consultant to an adult stepchild rather than a day-to-day caregiver. If a single mother receives alimony or child support, the financial burden that might come with the remarriage are perceived as being lighter. Often a man must balance the financial costs as well as the social and emotional costs associated with marrying a single mother.
Physical attractiveness is important to many who remarry. It may weigh into the formula for some more than others. Divorced men, like never married men, consider physical attractiveness when choosing another mate. It is weighed, though in comparison to the other attributes which are important, given their past marital problems and issues. When we marry it helps to have complimentary needs. In other words, if she needs to be cared for and he needs to take care of someone, their needs complement one another. Not all needs are complimentary, and no one can fulfill all of their spouse's needs all the time. This is true in all relationships. In remarriages, the spouses use the concept of equity in assessing their rewards. Equity is the overall sense of getting a good deal (or a bad one) when considering all the perceived rewards and costs of a relationship.
To an outsider, a couple may appear to be experiencing an imbalance in give and take. Fortunately, a relationship only has to feel fair to the individual spouses. A remarried woman, who wanted her ex to spend more time with the children, may find it more valuable when her current husband does so and may weigh that as being more important than other contributions. Equity is subjective and changes as new needs arise or new circumstances emerge that families have to accommodate. Being educated, especially college educated means more income and more desirable traits in a potential mate. College graduates have developed a sense of delayed gratification, have less traditional (and more diverse) family role expectations, and have many other resources to bring to the relationship in comparison to high school graduates. Owning a home as opposed to renting an apartment is an important reward.
A home provides privacy, income benefits, and a clear boundary, which can all serve to aid the development of the remarriage and new family system. Finding a healthy mate is also subjectively defined. In the later years, elderly women almost always have to consider the current and near future health of a potential mate. Younger people consider health as well, but not with the same intensity as older daters who have to take into account future caregiving issues. The "right age" for a person to find a new mate is the one that works best for him or her, given their current needs. Sometimes twentysomething mothers will marry thirty-something fathers for stability and continuity. Other times a younger spouse may be more appealing for a variety of reasons. Some seek out the wealthy, famous, popular, or well-known as a new mate and these desires drive their filters. Finally, some simply have a void where the lost marriage or intimate relationship once resided. They may seek to find someone quickly if they perceive that the presence of a spouse or partner will fill that void.
When considering costs, keep in mind that women typically leave a marriage with more costs or losses which on the singles scene inhibit her finding a new mate with the same ease as do divorced men. She often has custody. Younger children cost money, need supervision and nurturing, and tire their mother such that she has less energy to be a companion and friend. There is no difference in divorced men and women in terms of health issues. But, divorce is considered to be an extreme stressor. \({ }^{11}\) Divorced persons most likely suffer health declines from the stresses that came with the divorce. But some may have longterm or chronic health issues that, when considered in the overall formula, are costs and not rewards.
Single mothers often report high levels of stress, fatigue, and having people around, but still feeling lonely. Over time this may lead to health issues. If a single mother (or father) must pay court-ordered payments each month, then this is a financial cost or loss. Men are much more likely to be ordered to pay child support or alimony. To a potential wife this goes in the loss category. Many divorcees carry unresolved issues for years at the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and even intellectual levels. When the divorce has not settled in at all of these levels, they often have unresolved issues and may have some emotional scars. \({ }^{12}\)
Ex-partners can sometimes be dangerous to their ex and his/her new partner. Annoying phone calls, arguments, mean or threatening letters, property damage, and even threats of harm are launched from exspouses to new wives or husbands. In most cases, these are not criminal in nature. Children are sometimes used as battering rams against the ex. They are mistreated, misinformed, or neglected in an attempt to seek vengeance. Entering a new relationship where entanglements from the ex are not present is more rewarding. Poor and uneducated men and women offer less financial and intellectual input to a new marriage. This may not matter to some, but single mothers often place this as a high priority. If a potential mate has many children, cares for a dependent family member or friend, or has a severely ill child she or he may appear to be very unappealing.
Caregiving is common, but it is rarely desired by potential mates. Most caregiving is given by women. Few would willingly take on a caregiving role out of altruistic intentions. Some may take it on if other rewards appeared to compensate creating an overall sense of equity. A desperate or overly needy person enters the relationship with a disadvantage in terms of leverage for negotiating with another spouse. Being needy or desperate may increase the odds of ending up with an insensitive or abusive partner or spouse.
Another issue common to finding a mate is the one of propinquity (sharing geographic closeness and meeting in the same geographic area). The Internet has change the issue of propinquity by allowing people to interact electronically through social and dating sites that help in the filtering process. These sites can eliminate unwanted dates and yield a more desirable pool of potential mates (at least that's what they promise).
One 2009 ranking reported that Match.com and eHarmony had 20 million subscribers; Yahoo Personals had 9 million, and chemistry.com and Perfectmatch.com each had 4 million. \({ }^{13}\) In fact, online dating is projected to increase between 2007-2012 with revenues topping \(\$ 1.9\) billion by \(2012 .^{14}\) Sautter et al. (2010) reported that Internet dating is more common among computer-savvy and already socially networked daters. \({ }^{15}\) Chih-Chien et al. (2010) also reported three categories of online daters based on their motivations. First were the adventurers who thrive in the anonymity provided by the Internet which shields them from elimination through traditional social norms. Adventurers seek communication, curiosity, and even emotional support as they seek to meet new people.
Escapers to a virtual world were the second category. Escapers find the real world too harsh and relax in the relatively anxiety-free cyber world. Third and finally were the Romantics who sincerely seek for love, friendship, and sex. Sex is not the major motivation, but is a common motivation for some Internet daters. \({ }^{16}\)
Footnotes
8. see Hammond and Muller, 1992, “The Later-life divorce, another look.” J. of Divorce and Remarriage, 17. _ 135-50; and Hammond et al, 2008 “Resource variations and marital status among later-life elderly,” J. of Applied and Clinical Sociology, Vol 2, No 1, Spring 47-60
13. The Social Demography of Internet Dating in the United States.Citation Only Available By: Sautter, Jessica M.; Tippett, Rebecca M.; Morgan, S. Philip. Social Science Quarterly (Blackwell Publishing Limited), Jun2010, Vol. 91 Issue 2, p554-575, 22p; DOI: 10.1111/j.1540-6237.2010.00707.x
14. Wang, C-C. & Chang, Y-T. (2010). Cyber relationship motives: Scale development and validation. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 38(3), 289-300.
16. retrieved 3 May, 2010 from Living Arrangements of Children: 2004 taken from the SIPP survey http://www.census.gov/prod/2008pubs/p70-114.pdf, Table 1. Children by Presence and Type of Parent(s) and Race and Hispanic Origin: 2004
