Remarriage is the legal union of a man and woman that follows the dissolution of a previous marriage for one or both spouses. Stepfamilies are formed when children from another marriage or relationship are brought into a family through a new marriage. Stepfamilies can form in any of the following ways, a wife or husband was married before, a wife or husband cohabited before, a wife or husband was a single parent before and a child from that previous relationship becomes a step-son or step-daughter. Step-children can be of any age. When a former emotionally or legally significant relationship existed for a current spouse it creates a bi-nuclear family, or a family with two core adult relationships formed around the original adults who are no longer together (see Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\)).
Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\) shows the relationship between Husband 1 (H1) and Wife 1 (W1) who were married for 3 years then divorced. They had a daughter together, Marie. Husband 1 then met Wife 2 (W2) who was a widow. They married. This made Wife 2 a step-mother to Marie then Husband 1 and Wife 2 had twins-a son (Sam) and daughter (Lisa) together. Husband 1 and Wife 2 now have a bi-nuclear family with a nucleus from the second marriage and one from Husband 1 and Wife 1's first marriage. They form a stepfamily subsystem that includes Wife's 1 \& 2 and Husband's 1 \& 2 (even though Husband 2 is deceased, his position as Wife 2 's first husband is part of the complexity of the stepfamily 1 subsystem.
Wife 1 and her daughter Marie had a single parent subsystem for nearly a decade. The complexity of this system included Marie visiting her dad and step-mom and receiving child support payments from Husband 1. For the most part this relationship was functional and not very negative. When Marie turned 10 , Wife 1 remarried to a divorced man, Husband 3. Husband 3's former wife (W3) left him and wanted neither custody nor alimony. Wife 1 and Husband 3 formed stepfamily subsystem 2 which included Marie and Husband 1 to the extent that visitation and child support were concerned. Husband 3 and Wife 1 struggled financially for the first 3 years of their marriage, because of the loss of assets that came from Husband 1 and Wife 3's divorce.
Within one year of their marriage, Wife 1 and Husband 3 developed deeply rooted financial issues with the ex-husband. Husband 3 was angry at Husband 1 and it placed emotional strain on Wife 1 and Husband 3's relationship. Husband 1 refused to pay child support because he was certain that the money he gave for Marie was being spent on Mike, Jeff, and Bill. Husband 1 demanded receipts from Wife 1 and Husband 3. Of course this was not court ordered and was extremely impractical. It gave Husband 1 too much influence in Wife 1 and Husband 3's marriage. Then Husband 1's parents wanted to see Marie and Husband 3 refused them as retaliation for the financial mess. Lawsuits were threatened. Things only got worse after that. Welcome to the world of the bi-nuclear family complexity. Stepfamilies are perhaps the most complicated family systems in existence.
Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\). Diagram of Stepfamilies and Other Family Subsystems 21
In February 2008, the Census Bureau gave a report of the living arrangements of children in the U.S. \({ }^{18}\). The highlights of the report read:
In 2004, 73.2 million children under age 18 lived in American households. The majority of these children (70\%) lived with two parents. Most (87\%) of the children who lived with two parents lived with their biological mother and father. Twenty-six percent of all children ( 19.3 million) lived with one parent. The majority (88\%) of these children lived with their mother.
Based on these survey results, 5.5 million children ( \(7.6 \%\) ) were living with at least one step-parent in 2005. The same figure was only \(6.9 \%\) in 1996 and seven percent in 2001. By racial category the 2004 data broke down to eight percent of White, six percent of Black, \(2.5 \%\) of Asian, and seven percent of Hispanic children. \({ }^{19}\) The same report showed that fathers were twice as likely to live with a step-child as was a mother. \({ }^{20}\)
When relationships have crossed more than one social arrangement over time (such as more than one marriage, cohabitation, or common-law arrangement), the social and emotional complexity of the family systems increases as does the need for stronger boundary maintenance. Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\) shows a diagram of the types of relationships and the demands of complexity and boundaries associated with them. A married couple with children have relatively low levels of social and emotional complexity in contrast to all the other categories presented here. Good boundaries are healthy in families. The phrase, "Good fences make great neighbors" testifies to the need and benefit from healthy boundaries. In the nuclear family, good boundaries are like good fences to protect the immediate family and to keep out all others as deemed appropriate.
Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\). Diagram of Stepfamilies and Other Family Subsystems with Comparisons for Social and Emotional Complexity and Need for Stronger Boundaries
In a nuclear family there must be healthy sexual boundaries (only between the spouse or partners), healthy parenting boundaries (the parents care for, nurture, and provide structure to the dependent children), healthy financial boundaries (the parents raise the children teaching them to work and become more independent over time), healthy emotional boundaries (family member respect the privacy of the parents and children and protect all from intrusions of other family and friends), healthy social boundaries (friends and family have their place which is not as intimate as the closeness experienced by immediate family members), healthy physical boundaries (immediate family members have their own rooms, bathroom access, locks on doors and windows, and private space), and healthy safety boundaries (where the family is guarded by the older immediate family members from outside threats and harm).
Remarried couples (regardless of prior marriage or cohabitation) who have no children also have much less complexity because the ex-spouse or partners can be out of sight and mind. They have no visitation disputes, child support, nor holiday complexities that come with remarried couples who do have children. While there may be alimony issues these are not as intricately connected since there is no coparental vagueness that comes with joint custody or non-custodial conditions.
Widowed and divorced persons find that there are more boundary issues, especially if they become dependent on others for financial and social/emotional support. With dependence come vague boundaries. When children are involved for the single parent, other adult family and non-family members often step in to provide support and nurturance. This typically is not of concern when an intact couple heads the family and works together to maintain healthy boundaries. In some ways, adults stepping in to help children often step in to help the single parents in various ways.
Remarried couples with children from other relationships are more complex in comparison. The ex-spouse gets co-parental influence that can easily spill into the marriage boundary if not properly guarded. Remember the ex's who were disputing in Figure 1 because the father didn't want his child support to go to her new step-children? This is a common problem for the remarried couple. They share their money in a combined family fund. Her earnings and his earnings go into the same pot of money as does child support. Partitioning out the ex's child support in such a way that the step-siblings are separated as belonging to "them and not us" can be very divisive.
Remarried schedules have to be broad and flexible. When a birthday comes up, the remarried couple may celebrate it then the ex-spouse and their family may celebrate it. Things do not always work out as planned, so both parties have to bend and flex as needed. Remarried couples with children from more than one intimate relationship experience all of the above plus added complexity and boundary demands. If Bill and Sue have a 14 year-old from Sue's first marriage, a 10 year-old from her second marriage, and a 4 year-old from their marriage, plus a 17 year old from his cohabitation, and a 14 year old from his first marriage, then the complexities and need for stronger boundaries is even more intense.
With a remarried couple who have children from more than one other relationship that has legal entanglements with immediate, extended, and other family court-ordered rules of custody, visitation, and alimony, then things become scrutinizable. For example, if the court orders visitation every other weekend then records and details have to be kept showing the best faith effort of both parties to comply-it is after all, a court ordered process with legal ramification to all involved. In a perfect world people would always abide by the orders of the court. They would always make financial payments on time and visitations would always go as prescribed. Perfection is not reasonable in terms of expectations.
If you take any of the marriages below and add to that the issue of criminal charges or child protective orders, then the complexity and need for stronger boundaries can become extreme. Children have to be protected from criminals and once protective orders are issued, non-complying family members can be charged with crimes themselves. Under such extreme circumstances, visitation can be ordered under supervision such as a neutral third party supervisor. The stakes become intense because of the power the state has to hold the family accountable.
Figure \(\PageIndex{3}\). Diagram of Typical Day-to-Day Life, Activities, and Patterns Experienced by a Typical US Nuclear Family
Figure \(\PageIndex{3}\) shows the family day-to-day activities and patterns experienced by a typical nuclear family. Nuclear families typically have complete control through the parents over the day-to-day patterns and activities. Parents, in cooperation with their children, set up meal times, vacations, and all the other arrangements and plans mentioned in the diagram. They rarely have input from other family members that would diffuse the control or cause a disruption in these activities and patterns. It is a very simple form of family in terms of planning and day-to-day family events.
Now, imagine the worst case scenario mentioned in Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\) where there was a remarried family with criminal and or legal issues pertaining to family members. The complexity of the day-to-day goings on would increase dramatically because the control is diffused between sets of parents (step-and their biological parent spouses). In other words, day-to-day interactions get fuzzy in every area because parental authority is spread over two sets of parents.
Figure \(\PageIndex{4}\). Diagram of Typical Day-to-Day Life, Activities, and Patterns Experienced by a Remarried US Family where Criminal and/or Legal Issues are in Involved
As many of you already know, the bonds of affection become strained in all types of families. It is very difficult in remarried families where unhealed hurts and boundary complexities persist. A model emerged in the late 1970s which identified family functioning on two intersecting dimensions, first, family cohesion is the degree to which family members have emotionally bonded to one another, the second is family adaptability, which is the degree to which a family can adjust to changes in family member's roles and relationships (See Olson, D. H. (1976). Bridging research theory and application: The triple threat in science. In D. H. Olson (8d..), Treating Relationships.
Lake Mills, IA: Graphic and Olson, D. H. (1986). Circumplex model VII: Validation studies and FACES III. Family Process2, 5, 337-351.). The quality of communication comes into play for each family because communication either facilitates or inhibits cohesion and adaptability. The Circumflex Model is by far one of the most powerful family models ever developed for diagnosing, studying, and treating modern families. I could have placed the model anywhere in this textbook. I chose to place it here because of the extreme complexities that come with remarried and stepfamily processes. Healthy families tend to be average in regards to cohesion, adaptability, and quality communication. Olson defined a number of extremes that occur in families and there are a number of intervention strategies that therapists utilize to mediate these extremes during family therapy.
In Olson's model, families could be either disengaged or enmeshed. Disengaged means the family is too chaotic (very loose rules and weak patterns of associating, or there is little family leadership) or rigid (Very strict and structured patterns of associating, or there is too strict leadership). The family could also be too enmeshed. Enmeshed means the family members are overly entangled or over involved in the personal affairs of one another to the point that the changes experienced by one family member are experienced by other if not all family members. Enmeshment is an indication of weak interpersonal boundaries. Enmeshed people lean on others for their own identity-meaning their sense of self is based on being a sister, brother, parent, or friend rather than an individual.
When we lean too heavily on family and friends for our own identity we often let their actions or behaviors determine our own. They make decisions we follow because it feels like the right thing to do. We simply have a difficult time saying no because we depend too much on the decisions of others in lieu of our own decision making processes.
Remarried families find themselves making very difficult adjustments that transpire uniquely in the remarried or stepfamily circumstances. The merging of previous family systems into a new system does NOT occur with the ease TV viewers found among the characters playing in the Brady Bunch Series. So, what might be the goals of a remarried couple as they form stepfamilies? Most likely the same goals shared by any first married couple, meet the needs of the spouses, children, and pets, have a secure home which functions as a safe haven from the stresses and trials of the outside world, enjoy life together with people closest to you, acquire and own assets that will ensure financial stability over the long-term, and raising dependent children into their adult roles in a successful manner, to mention a few.
19. See Olson, D. H. (1976). Bridging research theory and application: The triple threat in science. In D. H. Olson (8d..), Treating Relationships. Lake Mills, IA: Graphic and Olson, D. H. (1986). Circumplex model VII: Validation studies and FACES III. Family Process2, 5, 337-351.)
