10.2: How Relationships Shape Identity, Connection, and Belonging

Figure 10.2.1: Painted Hands Forming a Heart. Google Generate Image

Ubuntu is a South African philosophy rooted in shared humanity, compassion, and interconnectedness. One of its central sayings, “I am because we are,” highlights the importance of relationships—not only in shaping personal identity but also in cultivating a sense of belonging. This saying is similar to a saying in the United States that parents often tell their kids, “show me who your friends are and you show me who you are.” Whether spoken in a South African village or an American kitchen, these words echo a universal truth: we are never just individuals, we are part of each other.This idea reflects how our relationships influence our identity, namely how we see ourselves and how others see us. As you learned in Chapter 3, we all carry multiple identities, including cultural, ethnic, gender, and generational identities.

Identity

The Communication Theory of Identity (Hecht, 2002) builds on this idea by proposing that our relationships are the foundation of how we develop and express identity. According to the theory, relationships, identity, and communication intertwine in four key ways. First, we begin to shape our identity by internalizing how we think others perceive us. Second, we define ourselves through our relationships—such as with best friends, mentors, or significant others. Third, our identities often overlap and co-exist; for example, someone can be both a student and a sibling, or a daughter and a doctor. Finally, a relationship itself can become an identity, as when others see us as part of a couple, a team, or a family unit. Take a moment to apply this to your own life and reflect on how your relationships have come to form your identity.

To illustrate, consider a German-American woman, Susie, married to a Japanese-American man, Glen. Their relationship has deeply shaped how she sees herself, not just through her own lens, but through his. He sees her as brilliant, witty, and occasionally forgetful about what’s on the calendar. Through his eyes, she’s come to embrace her identity not only as a spouse, but also as a mother to their Japanese-German-American children, a cultural bridge between families, and lover of all things related to the LA Dodgers.

Her role as a wife and mother is central, but it doesn’t stand alone. It coexists with other identities: dog-breeder, friend, amazing gardener, and intercultural translator of idioms and expectations. Their relationship itself has become part of her public identity—others often see them as a unit, a team navigating two cultural worlds with humor, respect, and a shared love of dim sum and apple strudel.

When we feel seen and understood in our relationships, we’re not just shaping who we are—we’re also building a sense of belonging that supports our emotional well-being. But what happens when those relationships are missing or feel shallow? Many people, especially young adults, struggle with loneliness, even in a world that’s more digitally connected than ever. The American Psychological Association Healthy Minds Poll (2024) found that 1 in 3 Americans report feeling lonely at least once a week, with young adults ages 18–34 reporting the highest rates. Factors like the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic and increased reliance on technology have made it harder to form deep, lasting connections. Read on to better understand how relationships foster connection in our lives.

Relational Connection

Relational connection refers to the emotional and interpersonal bond formed between individuals through mutual understanding, empathy, and meaningful communication. It’s the sense of being seen, heard, and valued in a relationship, often built through shared experiences, vulnerability, and support. Intercultural friendships have been found to be deep sources of connection, providing a safe space to share thoughts and feelings, as well as discuss deeply personal matters such as religion (Kastner, 2022). These relational connections do more than foster interpersonal understanding, they fulfill a deeper psychological need. Take a moment to pause and think about the connections in your life–what relationships reflect your strongest connections? Often our deepest connections also provide us with a sense of belonging. Although we don’t always label these relationships, it is common to do so, whether referring to our best friends, boyfriend or girlfriend, sister and brother, and so on. These strong connections often lay the groundwork for a deeper sense of belonging. Think of the friend who remembers your favorite coffee drink or the sibling who shares memories of your childhood. These are the relationships that make us feel truly understood.

Belonging

Researchers have identified relationships as essential for promoting a sense of belonging. A sense of belonging refers to feeling included, accepted for who you are, and like one is part of a shared dyad or group. Although a sense of connection and belonging go hand in hand, you can experience connection without belonging, and vice-versa. Baumeister and Leary (1995) proposed the Belongingness Hypothesis, which stresses that we have an inherent need to form and maintain quality relationships. Having a strong sense of belonging has been linked to better physical and mental health, stronger confidence, and lower levels of anxiety and loneliness. Belonging might show up in our communication in small moments, like being invited to a group chat, having your pronouns respected, or being asked to join a family tradition. These gestures signal that you’re not just included, you’re valued.

While identity, relational connection, and belonging offer profound emotional and psychological benefits that are fostered through communication, the path to cultivating these experiences, especially across cultures, is not always straightforward. Intercultural relationships bring unique opportunities for growth, but they also present distinct challenges that require intentional communication.

Contributors and Attributions

Communication in the Real World: An Introduction to Communication Studies, by No Attribution- Anonymous by request. Provided by LibreTexts. License: CC-BY-NC-SA

Intercultural Communication for the Community College, by Karen Krumrey-Fulks. Provided by LibreTexts. License: CC-BY-NC-SA

Exploring Intercultural Communication, by Tom Grothke. Provided by LibreTexts. License: CC-BY-NC-SA