10.5.1 BFF's Across Borders
Friendship is a unique and important type of interpersonal relationship that constitutes a significant portion of a person’s social life from early childhood all the way through to late adulthood (Rawlins, 1992). Friendship is distinguished from other types of relationships by its “voluntary” nature. In other words, friendship occurs when individuals are relatively free from obligatory ties, duties, and other expectations (Fischer, 1975). Due to changes in technology and social media, people may find themselves building friendships with people on the other side of the world, often based on shared interests. As you read through this next section pause to reflect on the important friendships in your life, including the past and present.
Friendships, especially those that cross cultural or racial lines, often reflect the dynamic interplay of values, expectations, and shared experiences. Rawlins (1992) developed a typology of friendships that has stood the test of time and provides a valuable understanding of intercultural/interracial relationships through several dimensions, including duration, purpose, disclosure, and obligation.
Cultural Close-Up
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
"Birds of a feather flock together” still rings true for a significant portion of the population (Pew Research Institute, 2023). For those of us living in ethnically diverse states, these patterns may come as a surprise — especially when we consider how often we interact with people from different backgrounds in schools, neighborhoods, and workplaces.
- Racial/Ethnic Homogeneity in Close Friends: A majority of adults (63%) say all or most of their close friends are the same race or ethnicity as them (as of 2023). This varies by group:
- White adults are most likely to say all or most of their close friends share their race or ethnicity (70%).
- Black adults (62%).
- Asian adults (52%).
- Hispanic adults (47%).
- Racial Composition of Core Social Networks (approximate data from 2022 studies):
- Among White Americans' core social networks, an average of 90% of the people are also White. 67% of White Americans have networks that are entirely White.
- Among Black Americans' core social networks, an average of 78% of the people are also Black. 46% of Black Americans have networks that are entirely Black.
- Among Hispanic Americans' core social networks, an average of 63% of the people are also Hispanic, while about 26% are White. 37% of Hispanics report having a social network that is entirely Hispanic.
- Age Trend: Adults under 30 were the least likely age group to report that all or most of their close friends share their race or ethnicity (53%), compared to 70% of adults 65 and older.
Take a moment to think about your own close friendships. Do most of your friends share your racial or ethnic background? Why do you think that is?
Discussion Questions
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“Comfort Zones or Communication Gaps?”
Why do you think so many people—despite living in diverse communities—still form close friendships mostly within their own racial or ethnic group? How might communication styles, cultural norms, or unspoken assumptions play a role in shaping who we feel comfortable connecting with?
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“The Diversity Illusion”
In schools or workplaces, we often interact with people from many backgrounds. But does interaction always lead to meaningful connections? What kinds of communication choices or habits might help turn surface-level diversity into deeper intercultural friendships?
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“Generations and Friend Circles”
Adults under 30 are more likely to have diverse friend groups than older generations. What role do you think digital communication, pop culture, or shifting social norms play in that trend? How might younger generations be modeling new ways of building intercultural relationships?
Regardless of how diverse your social network is, we can also look at the quality of friendships based on the level of commitment and support you share. Take a few moments to read about the unique qualities of friendships, and as you do so, pause to reflect on your different friend connections and how they align with the characteristics below. As you come to understand the unique qualities of friendships, does it change or improve your view of your relationships?
Unique Qualities of Friendships
High vs. Low Obligation Friendships: High-obligation friends are those we feel deeply connected to, people we’d go out of our way to support, no matter the inconvenience. Low-obligation friends are still valued and cared for, but we might not stretch ourselves as far for them when they’re in need. The level of obligation often reflects the depth of the relationship, shared history, and emotional closeness. In intercultural contexts, it can also involve different expectations around friendship, reciprocity, loyalty, and support. One college student, Luis, shared a simple rule his father taught him for telling the difference: “If they ask you to help them move, and you say yes without hesitation, they’re important. If you suddenly remember you’re busy that day, they’re probably lower on the priority list.” Luis’s story reminds us that how we respond to others, especially in moments of need, can reveal the quiet truths of our relationships.
Before we dive into the next section, let’s pause for a little heart-to-heart. We’ve just explored how friendships can look and feel different depending on their length, purpose, and the depth of connection. Maybe you were thinking about your own friendships—those that have lasted for years, and others that came and went but still left a mark.
Time Orientation: It is likely that you have some friendships that have lasted several years (long-term friendships) and other friendships that were brief by comparison (short-term friendships). Some intercultural friendships flourish for a season, perhaps sparked by shared classes, community events, or professional collaborations. For example, Matt made several new friends while studying abroad in Taiwan. One of his short-term friendships was with a fellow exchange student from Brazil; they bonded over weekend trips and late-night study sessions, but lost touch after returning to their home countries. In contrast, Matt developed a long-term intercultural friendship with Aamir, a student from Pakistan whom he met during a Speech and Debate tournaments between his university and a neighboring college. Their close proximity in combination with their shared love of debating politics led to a lasting friendship.
Task-oriented vs. maintenance-oriented friendships: Friendships can be based on shared activities, hobbies, and projects such as work or a love of pickleball (task-orientated). Furthermore, friendships can be based on mutual liking and support (maintenance-oriented). In fact, you may find that many of your maintenance-oriented friendships emerged out of task-oriented friendships. Interracial and intercultural friendships may begin around shared tasks, such as work, activism, or hobbies, but deepen into maintenance-oriented bonds grounded in mutual respect and emotional support. Consider Wintillo and Fumio, two college students who met in a local university graduate program. Although from very different cultures, the two formed a lasting friendship through their work on a variety of research projects. Today, they remain close friends even though one lives in California and the other in Macau.
Low-disclosure vs. high-disclosure friendships: Perhaps you have a friend with whom you share your most personal thoughts and experiences (high disclosure), and another with whom you disclose only minimal information (low disclosure). In intercultural friendships, the level of self-disclosure is often shaped by trust, cultural norms, and emotional bandwidth. While cultural expectations vary, research consistently shows that high self-disclosure is a hallmark of deep friendship. However, it is equally important to recognize that certain topics may be considered taboo depending on cultural context. For instance, in the United States, it is generally impolite to ask a woman about her age or weight. In China, conversations about government and politics are best avoided, while in Saudi Arabia, criticizing religion, particularly Islam, is taboo. In contrast, in Nigeria, discussions about politics and religion are often welcomed and encouraged (Drew, 2024).
Now, let’s shift gears a bit and talk about how our cultural backgrounds shape the way we understand and experience friendship. This part is especially close to my heart, because it reminds me of the many beautiful, sometimes challenging, but always meaningful relationships I’ve had with people from different cultures. Some of those friendships started with a shared project or a class, and others grew slowly over time, rooted in mutual respect and curiosity.
As we move forward, think about your own experiences. What does “friend” mean to you? How might that definition be different, or similar, for someone from another part of the world? Let’s explore together how values like individualism and collectivism influence the way we connect, care, and communicate with one another.
Individualism and Collectivism in Intercultural Friendships
Across cultures, the meaning of friendship can vary in ways that reflect deeper values, particularly those of individualism and collectivism. In cultures that lean toward individualism like the United States, friendships are often seen as voluntary and spontaneous, shaped by personal goals and common interests. For example, someone might seek out a friend to practice a new language or learn how to cook a traditional dish. These connections, while genuine, often center around personal growth and exploration.
In contrast, collectivist cultures tend to view friendship as a long-term commitment, one that carries mutual responsibilities, and may even be handed down from generation to generation. A friend might be someone who helps with securing a visa or offers a place to stay during holidays. These relationships are often rooted in shared obligations and enduring support (Wahl & Scholl, 2014).
Even the word “friend” itself carries different weight across cultures. In the United States, it’s a broad term that can encompass many types of relationships. But in places like Eastern Europe, “friend” is reserved for deeper, more intimate connections, what Americans might call a “close friend” (Martin & Nakayama, 2014). Americans, shaped by individualistic norms, often form friendships quickly and may be perceived by others as informal or even superficial (Triandis, 1995). Meanwhile, collectivistic Asian cultures emphasize indirect communication, sincerity, and the nurturing of social harmony (Barnlund, 1989; Yum, 1988).
Friendship and Cultural Complexity
Building and sustaining intercultural friendships can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that different cultures often value similar traits, like honesty and trustworthiness, even if they prioritize them differently (Barnlund, 1989). Researchers have identified many factors that influence these friendships, including personality, communication styles, cultural knowledge, and relational competence (Aberson, Shoemaker & Tomolillo, 2004; Collier & Mahoney, 1996; Gareis, 1995; Gudykunst & Nishida, 1979; McDermott, 1992; Olanrian, 1996; Yamaguchi & Wiseman, 2003; Zimmermann, 1995).
Within the United States, cultural identity also shapes how friendship is understood. Latinx Americans often value emotional support and affirming feedback. Asian Americans may prioritize intellectual exchange and guidance. African Americans tend to emphasize mutual respect and acceptance, while European Americans often focus on recognizing each other’s individuality (Collier, 1996).
Relationship Initiation and Maintenance
Intercultural friendships may require more effort to initiate and maintain, but they hold the potential for deep and lasting connections. Prior experiences, like studying abroad or living in diverse communities, can spark a desire to form these relationships. Language barriers may slow the process, but with patience and openness, friends can build understanding through shared stories and self-disclosure. As trust grows, so does the depth of conversation, allowing friends to move beyond cultural differences and focus on what truly connects them (Chen & Nakazawa, 2009; Lee, 2006).
Interestingly, cultural differences can enrich friendships rather than hinder them. Some friends find joy in learning from each other’s backgrounds, even creating playful hybrid languages like “Spanglish” or “Chinglish” that become part of their shared identity (Sias et al., 2008; Casmir, 1999; Imahori & Cupach, 2005).
Power, Perspective, and Mindfulness
It’s important to recognize that not all intercultural friendships are balanced. Sometimes, individuals from dominant cultures may be more focused on sharing their own traditions than learning about others. This can reflect broader dynamics of power and privilege (Lee, 2006). For example, some European Americans in intercultural friendships expressed openness to cultural exchange but also downplayed its importance, suggesting they simply saw their friends as “people.” As one researcher noted, this may reflect how those with more social power can overlook cultural norms or assume they can redefine them (Collier, 1996).
Ultimately, intercultural friendships remind us of the richness and complexity of human connection. They invite us to be mindful of how we communicate, to listen deeply, and to honor the diverse contexts in which relationships unfold.
