Conflict occurs in relationships because everyone carries unique characteristics, needs, desires, and experiences. Because of these contextual variances, communication will always carry a risk of misunderstanding, uncertainty, and oppositional beliefs. When differences between individuals in relationships generate friction, conflict results. Conflict has many definitions, and communication conflict can play out in multiple ways. Relational conflict can be defined as interactions between people with incompatible goals, and interference between each other in achieving goals (Folger, Poole, & Stutman, 2001; West & Turner, 2012). However, it's important to note that conflict can be a good thing if practiced responsibly and respectfully in interpersonal communication to negotiate and settle differences in personal interest.
There are a number of different types of communication conflict that can arise in relationships. These include image conflicts over self-presentation, content conflicts regarding issues and topics, value conflicts involving ideological concerns, relational conflicts centered on the relationship and relational goals, and serial conflicts that are repeating issues within a relationship (West & Turner, 2012). Conflict can be influenced by culture, gender, sexuality, communication patterns and behaviors, and personality issues (Adler & Proctor, 2017; West & Turner, 2012). While it may seem unlikely, conflict can be good for relationships as well as problematic. Conflict can produce positive results for dyads, teams, and organizations when the conflict is constructive. Some scholars even argue that conflict is necessary to maintain a relationship (Coser, 1956; Jandt, 2017). Other conflict is destructive, meaning that it becomes a reason and means for ending a relationship (Jandt, 2017). However, conflict can also cause damage to relationships and individuals within relationships. Navigating and managing conflict are key goals for relational communication practice.
Interpersonal Conflict
Conflict happens in every relationship (Adler & Proctor, 2017; West & Turner, 2012). Therefore, managing the conflict, and understanding what deeper issues are revealed through the communication that occurs during conflict is an important goal. Conflict is rooted in communication—both verbal and nonverbal messages are shared as part of a struggle between the people involved. One major model of conflict is the four-part conflict model (Satir, 1972).
This model examines four key components of conflict: me (us), you (them), context, and subject. In this model, conflict management requires that all four aspects be equally considered. Most conflicts arise when one or more of these areas is disqualified. For example, sometimes "me" is disqualified by putting our own needs behind the needs of the relationship or the topic. This type of disqualification is labeled "placating" in the theory. "You" is similarly disqualified by ignoring the goals, opinions, and concerns of the other person(s) involved in the conflict. This type of disqualification is pouncing, an aggressive attack on the other person. Similarly, "context" is often disqualified by ignoring emotion in favor of rational emphasis on the topic at hand. This is labeled as computing. The "subject" is disqualified when it is ignored by one of the players who engages in distracting.
Interpersonal conflict further involves two major communication processes: expression and perception (Adler & Proctor, 2017). Expression is significant because in order for a conflict to be addressed, all of the people involved need to communicate about what is bothering them, both verbally and nonverbally. Perception is also significant, as the messages sent by each person involved in the conflict are not always received the way they were intended.
Expression and perception challenges in interpersonal conflicts result from the multiplicity of messages that are exchanged in every relationship. We all respond to these different types of messages, including tone of voice, eye contact, body movement, word choice, and perceived attitude. And our own state of mind in the conversation also impacts how we read the other person and what they have to say. From your own experiences, you’ll realize that there is no definitive way of telling when someone is lying, yet each of us perceives other people as liars at some point. This does not mean our perception is accurate. And most relational conflict arises because our perceptions lead us to false conclusions about the other person and his or her message.
Expectancy Violations Theory (Burgoon, 1978) explains that we assume people will maintain a certain distance in their communication. This nonverbalcommunication theory can play a role in terms of interpersonal space, and in terms of cultural understandings of appropriate closeness. Territoriality therefore becomes a factor, as discomfort from violations and crossing interpersonal boundaries make communication challenging. This can lead to conflict rooted in misunderstanding, disqualification of the other's experiences, and avoidance techniques. This process can be either positive or negative dependent on perceptual concerns by both persons involved in the conflict.
Conflict Management
At some point in interpersonal conflict, the conflict escalates. More messages are sent between the people in the relationship, and more aspects of the communication process break down. At this point, people attempt to address several different ways that people deal with conflict. Common means of addressing conflict are either through conflict resolution, or conflict management. Conflict resolution is an attempt to avoid or negate the factors that cause conflict (Jandt, 2017). Conflict management is a means of addressing, through a variety of approaches, those factors through direct or indirect communication means (Jandt, 2017; Hall, 1969).
Most communication scholars prefer conflict management approaches. Many focus on conflict management styles (Hall, 1969) with both positive and negative results. One negative communication conflict style is avoiding, echoing Satir's (1972) distracting disqualifier, when one or both of the people involved in a conflict hides their concerns or feelings about the conflict. Another negative style is the competing conflict style that generates a win-lose strategy, where one or both of the parties is convinced it’s an all-or-nothing event and they focus on the possible consequences of both potential results for themselves. Accommodating also refers to the win-lose strategy, but, echoing Satir's placating form of disqualification, occurs when one person in the conflict puts their own interests behind the others'.
In contrast positive communication efforts to deal with conflict generally focus on open communication, where both people involved discuss their feelings, values, and perceptions related to the conflict. Collaborating is a win-win scheme where the high-level needs of both sides of the conflict are addressed. Some argue this is not a fully positive conflict management style. Compromising occurs when each side wins some areas of the conflict, and loses others.
Conflict management is focused on communication, and how effective communication and communication competency can avoid or alleviate conflict (Jeong, 2009). A key component of communication competency is the process of active listening (Rogers, 1942). This approach developed as a therapy technique promoted by Carl Rogers in the 1940s. He argued that therapists needed to carefully listen to their clients to fully understand what their clients are saying, and to include feedback in their listening practices. Rogers explains that active listening and feedback should create a feeling that illustrates emotional encouragement and support (Jandt, 2017; Rogers 1942).
Later scholars furthered the idea of listening to include dialogic listening (Johannesen, 1971). This style of listening is centered on the idea that communication happens in dialogues as opposed to monologues. In other words, both speakers and listeners are active parts of the communication process. Dialogic listening encourages authenticity in the listening process, meaning listening without deception. A dialogic listener is not selfish in their listening, they provide honest feedback and focus on the speaker's views and feelings (Jandt, 2017).
Conflict and Power
In conflict studies, power is defined as "the ability to control the behavior of another" (West & Turner, 2012). There are four common ways that people use power in conflict: direct application of power, direct and virtual use of power, indirect application of power, and hidden use of power (Afifi & Olson, 2005; Bostwick & Johnson, 2018; Komter, 1989; West & Turner, 2012). Direct application of power occurs when an individual uses any and all of their available resources to control a conflict situation. For example, sending a child to their room as punishment is a direct application of power. Direct and virtual use of power is the use of threats and promises, like saying "you'd better watch out when your mother get's home." Indirect power involves using power that is not overt or explicit, like sending a relational message that your significant other could do you a real benefit by changing their work hours to better fit your own needs (West & Turner, 2012).
Hidden power occurs when one of the people involved in a conflict refuses to acknowledge an aspect of the conflict situation, or conceals information that could sway an argument or conflict away from their goals (Afifi & Olson, 2005; Bostwick & Johnson, 2018; Komter, 1989; West & Turner, 2012).
Family secrets are a common way that hidden power is utilized as a conflict tool (Afifi & Olson, 2005; Bostwick & Johnson, 2018; Komter, 1989). All forms of power used in conflicts can lead to verbal and nonverbal abuse, domestic violence, and other forms of the abusive use of power.
As a means of investigating how to alleviate power differences in conflict, many studies focus on the notion of empowerment. The concept of empowerment, particularly as it relates to political, social, and economic development is most directly traced to an 1849 biography of Reverend Jonathon Fisher in his discussion of phonetics and education: “They followed up this remarkable empowerment..by removing the sentences, etc” [sic] (Chase, 1948, p. 202). In Fisher's discussion, empowerment means breaking away from the traditions of education and improving the social conditions of poor and African Americans by teaching them to read. Fisher empowered nontraditional students by creating phonetics and a series of pictorial readers that simplified the process of learning to read. Fisher further empowered underprivileged community members by founding a free libraries and a local academy open to students of social standing (Chase, 1948).
Empowerment therefore is understood as a means of improving the status of a person based on their positionality in relation to society, institutions, and conflict (West & Turner, 2012). Today the term empowerment is found in health and medical literature, focused on patients’ rights and patient access to information (Moller, 2018; Nahon-Serfaty & Eid, 2017). Other incarnations include psychological concepts of personal empowerment and self-esteem (Gillam, 2017; Vivienne, 2017) and community empowerment (Dykstra-DeVette, 2018; Jones, 2017).
Abusive Communication
Sometimes it can be difficult to tell the difference between assertive communication and abusive communication if all we are looking at are overall patterns. The people in abusive relationships, however, will tell you that abusive communication, both verbal and nonverbal, is not simple assertiveness.
In 1979 Lenore Walker introduced the cycle of abuse theory to explain how abusive relationships occur in patterns. After interviewing 1,500 domestic abuse victims, Walker determined that there was a general pattern in how abuse occurs. This cycle goes through 4 basic stages: 1) Tension building, 2) Acute violence or incident, 3) Reconciliation or honeymoon, and 4) Calm. The pattern of abuse then repeats through this cycle in an ongoing process of continual abuse.
The tension building stage in the cycle of abuse occurs when daily stresses, real or imagined, begin to impact the abuser (Walker, 1979). The abuse then begins to take the stress out on the victim, because the abuser feels wronged or ignored due to increasing stress. Victims in this stage of the cycle often try to reduce the abuser's stress, though some may also provoke the abuser (Johnson, 2006; Walker, 1979). The abuser may also blame the victim for failure to remove all stress factors.
The second stage, acute violence or incident, is when abusive acts occur. There are several types of abusive communication that occur in relationships (Walker, 1979). Three commonly understood distinctions are verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse (Collier, McGhie-Richmond, Odette, & Pyne, 2006; Utley, 2017). These types of abuse are all applied through various forms of communication, and most abuse, whether among acquaintances or those with deeper connections, starts with verbal abuse which includes psychological and emotional abuse (Johnson, 2006; Olson, 2015). All forms of abuse are about the abuser finding ways to establish dominance over the abused.
The third stage, reconciliation or the 'honeymoon' stage occurs when the abuser starts to feel remorse or fear the victim will leave their control (Walker, 1979). This stage is often period of affectionate communication and promises of change. The abuser focuses on convincing the victim to remain in the relationship, even after the incident and violent behavior in the prior stage (Johnson, 2006; Olson, 2015; Walker, 1979; Utley, 2017). Because the victims have invested in the relationship, the abuser's actions are often accepted as the basis for potential relational improvement.
The final stage, calm, is essentially the "calm before the storm" when the tension building of stage one will, again, increase (Walker, 1979). In this stage the relationship is peaceful, and during this stage the abuser will continue to offer promises that they will change or seek help. However, as time passes these promises will become less sincere, and the abuser will often attempt to regain their sense of control in the relationship. As tension begins to once again escalate, separation, divorce, and violent death can result if the victim illustrates signs of lack of trust in the relationship (Olson, 2015; Walker, 1979; Utley, 2017). For many victims and abusers, however, the cycle is ongoing.
The role of communication in the abuse cycle contains both verbal and nonverbal abuse. Verbal abuse includes a number of communication behaviors such as yelling, insults, swearing, putting the other person down, saying things to frighten the person, issuing orders or commands, putting down the other person’s friends and family, and cutting off the other person’s communication avenues and relational ties. People who utilize abusive communication styles do so to control the actions and communication abilities of the victim. The communication is manipulative and aimed at decreasing the victim’s sense of self-worth. It is also designed to ensure that the victim feels unable to change the situation, which is why communication outside of the relationship, except in specific circumstances dictated by the abuser is often restricted.
Nonverbal abuse includes violence (Olson, 2015), abandonment (Suter, Baxter, Seurer, & Thomas, 2014), sexual aggressions (Jenkins & Mazer, 2017), and neglect (Lin, 2018). Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, is a control mechanism in these circumstances, yet it can also be a victim’s way of getting out of the relationship. When a victim is able to voice his or her concerns to others on the outside, a lifeline can be attained. However, this process is never simple, and the power dynamics of the relationship encourage the victim to believe she or he will not be heard, or the concerns spoken will not be taken seriously. For this reason, victim’s rights advocates and social workers encourage society to keep the issues of abuse visible—because visibility increases a victim’s ability to find self-assurance and seek help.
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