12.8: Combating Divorce

COMBATING DIVORCE

A positive outlook for your marriage as a rewarding and enjoyable relationship is a realistic outlook. Some couples worry about being labeled naïve if they express the joys and rewards their marriage brings to their lives. Be hopeful and positive on the quality and duration of your marriage, because the odds are still in your favor. You’ve probably seen commercials where online matchmaking websites strut their success in matching people to one another. There are websites, along with DVDs, CDs, self-help books, and seminars for marital enhancement available to couples who seek them.6

Doomed, soaring divorce rates, spousal violence, husbands killing wives, decline of marriage, and other gloomy headlines are very common on electronic, TV, and print news stories. The media functions to disseminate information and its primary goal is to make money by selling advertising. The media never has claimed to be scientific in their stories.

They don’t really try to represent the entire society with every story. In fact, media is more accurately described as biased by the extremes, based on the nature of stories that are presented to us the viewers. Many media critics have made the argument for years that the news and other media use fear as a theme for most stories, so that we will consume them. Most in the U.S. choose marriage and most who are divorced will eventually marry again. True, marriage is not bliss, but it is a preferred lifestyle by most U.S. adults. From the Social Exchange perspective, assuming that people maximize their rewards while minimizing their losses, marriage is widely defined as desirable and rewarding. There are strategies individuals can use to minimize the risks of divorce (personal level actions). Table 3 lists ten of these actions.

Table 3. Ten Actions to Minimize the Risk of Divorce.

Wait until at least 20 years old to marry, 25 is better.

Avoid premarital pregnancy and don’t marry just because of a pregnancy.

Become proactive in maintaining your marriage (books, seminars, counseling).

Understand risks of cohabitation (cohabitation ≠ divorce).

Once married, leave the marriage market; don’t keep an eye open for something better.

Learn to compromise with each other. Work around those irreconcilable differences.

Keep a positive outlook and look beyond today.

Take your time in selecting a mate. Don’t rush into marriage.

Take the media with a grain of salt. Don’t assume your marriage will be like the headlines.

Focus on the positive benefits of being married and don’t dwell on the negatives.

Decades of studies have indicated that those who ever have cohabited have a higher likelihood of divorce. Cohabitation has been studied especially in contrast between cohabiting and married couples. Clear findings consistently show that cohabiting and marriage are two different creatures.⁷ Those who cohabit tend to establish patterns of relationships that later inhibit marital duration. However, most agree this is due to individuals bringing their unmarried and cohabiting ideologies into their marriages. In other words, while people live together, but are not married, they might form the foundation of their relationship with idea that they can leave at any time, and sometimes these thoughts then translate into the marriage.

Cohabitation is more common in the U.S. today than ever before. Cohabiters are considered to be unique from those who marry in a variety of ways, yet the similarities between married and cohabiting spouses suggests that their lifestyles overlap. In both lifestyles, relationships are formed and often ended. Cohabiters have more than twice the risks of their relationship ending than do marrieds.8
 

Key Points

• A positive, hopeful view of marriage is realistic and protective.

• Media exaggerates marital problems by focusing on extreme, fear-based stories; most marriages are stable.

• Marriage is widely seen as rewarding (Social Exchange Theory).

• Ten ways to reduce divorce risk: marry later, avoid premarital pregnancy, maintain the relationship proactively, understand cohabitation risks, stop “shopping around,” compromise, stay positive, choose carefully, ignore media hype, and focus on benefits.

• Cohabitation is common but linked to higher breakup and divorce rates, largely because cohabiting couples may develop “easy-to-leave” relationship habits that carry into marriage.