2.5: What About the Abusers?

What About the Abusers?

We have already eluded in this chapter to the causes of child abuse. Although not all child abusers are the child’s parents, many are. What kind of parents would abuse their children, or tolerate someone else doing so? They are parents with: low self-esteem, feelings of being unloved and unworthy themselves, feelings of being rejected, unprepared for having a child, unsure of what is expected of them, depressed, recently immigrated without a support system from this culture, developmental disabilities themselves, raising a child with developmental disabilities, lack of adequate support systems, a personality in which they feel the need to be in total control. These parents often lacked appropriate upbringing as a child themselves. They often did not get their own needs met and may not have bonded with their own parents. They have trouble separating their feelings from actions and determining the limits of their own responsibility; abusive parents often blame anyone but themselves, especially their children. When these parents were children, they were not taught to effectively make decisions. They also lack the ability to delay gratification. Abusive parents often expect their children to care for and take care of them, as well as excelling in school, chores, sports teams if they are involved, and anything else that will make the parent look good. When people seek life partners or mates, they often find people similar to themselves. When adults are raised with all these lacks, they often partner up with other adults lacking in similar ways. Therefore, any children get a double whammy of parents who don’t know how to be effective parents. Both parents may become abusive, or one may simply do nothing to stop it.

"depression" by Magic_Nick is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

So far in this chapter we have discussed parents who are ill prepared for the stresses of raising children, but who are fairly mentally well. There is another type of abuser who is not mentally well. Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy refers to a parent (usually the mother) who presents to the world as a doting and concerned parent who takes care of their child, while behind closed doors they administer large doses of things that make their child so sick they must be hospitalized. The parent is using the child to gain attention from medical staff. This is a difficult type of abuse to diagnose and often requires a multidisciplinary team approach. Once the child is removed from the parent's "care“ the child typically recovers physically. The emotional impact, however, may linger. Such children may need additional medical treatment to correct any physical harm done by the parents “treatment“ but also may need treatment for attachment disorder, learning to trust, socially appropriate interactions, educational lags, etc. In this case, the parent suffers mental illness which requires extensive treatment, and the child is usually placed in other care for his or her own protection.

Raising adolescents can provide many challenges and stressors to parents. This is a time when children who have been dependent and perhaps obedient become more independent and start making their own choices. Parents must accept that their children’s values may be different from their own. Parents may feel that they are losing control of their children, as well as losing their children! Healthy parents see this as part of growing up and look forward to the new relationships that are possible. Abusive parents see the separation as a major crisis surrounded by emotional conflict on all sides. They may try to hold on tighter, causing unrest in the home and causing their children to want to leave the situation and environment. This can lead to children running away and opening themselves up for extensive abuse on the streets.

As our country has been fighting battles abroad for many years, we are seeing more and more impact on families back home. Stress is increased when one parent is serving away from home, and the other becomes a single parent family on a day-to-day basis. When the parent returns from war, they are combat ready and sometimes have difficulty adjusting back to civilian life. They may have seen and experienced extreme violence, may suffer from PTSD, and may struggle as they attempt reentry to family life. This impacts the stressors within the home, within a marriage and with children. The service members and their families need extensive support systems to help them through it.

"scream and shout" by mdanys is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

When there is unrest in a home, children usually sense or witness it directly. Research has shown that this has lifelong effects for the children. Children brought up in violent homes have had a seed of aggression planted in their minds and have seen violence which may carry into future generations. Children who witness violence are more aggressive with their peers, have fewer friends, have significantly more behavioral problems, exhibit hyperactivity, anxiety, withdrawal and learning problems in school, and are more likely to abuse their own children later in life than those children who have not witnessed violence in their home. Violence does not always happen from adults to children; sometimes there is abuse between siblings and sometimes children abuse adults. Children learn violence through the media, the news, video games, and society in general from a very early age. Unless they are taught differently, they may view violence as a way to deal with problems. This violence quickly escalates and can become life-threatening to themselves and others. As with adult to child violence, sibling violence and child to child violence is all about power. In our society, when a child witnesses spousal or other abuse in the home, the perpetrator of the violence can be charged and prosecuted as if they hit the child themselves. This is largely because of the impact witnessing such violence has on children.