7.8: Relational Sensitivity
- Page ID
- 215486
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\(\newcommand{\avec}{\mathbf a}\) \(\newcommand{\bvec}{\mathbf b}\) \(\newcommand{\cvec}{\mathbf c}\) \(\newcommand{\dvec}{\mathbf d}\) \(\newcommand{\dtil}{\widetilde{\mathbf d}}\) \(\newcommand{\evec}{\mathbf e}\) \(\newcommand{\fvec}{\mathbf f}\) \(\newcommand{\nvec}{\mathbf n}\) \(\newcommand{\pvec}{\mathbf p}\) \(\newcommand{\qvec}{\mathbf q}\) \(\newcommand{\svec}{\mathbf s}\) \(\newcommand{\tvec}{\mathbf t}\) \(\newcommand{\uvec}{\mathbf u}\) \(\newcommand{\vvec}{\mathbf v}\) \(\newcommand{\wvec}{\mathbf w}\) \(\newcommand{\xvec}{\mathbf x}\) \(\newcommand{\yvec}{\mathbf y}\) \(\newcommand{\zvec}{\mathbf z}\) \(\newcommand{\rvec}{\mathbf r}\) \(\newcommand{\mvec}{\mathbf m}\) \(\newcommand{\zerovec}{\mathbf 0}\) \(\newcommand{\onevec}{\mathbf 1}\) \(\newcommand{\real}{\mathbb R}\) \(\newcommand{\twovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\ctwovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\threevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cthreevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\mattwo}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{rr}#1 \amp #2 \\ #3 \amp #4 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\laspan}[1]{\text{Span}\{#1\}}\) \(\newcommand{\bcal}{\cal B}\) \(\newcommand{\ccal}{\cal C}\) \(\newcommand{\scal}{\cal S}\) \(\newcommand{\wcal}{\cal W}\) \(\newcommand{\ecal}{\cal E}\) \(\newcommand{\coords}[2]{\left\{#1\right\}_{#2}}\) \(\newcommand{\gray}[1]{\color{gray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\lgray}[1]{\color{lightgray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\rank}{\operatorname{rank}}\) \(\newcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\col}{\text{Col}}\) \(\renewcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\nul}{\text{Nul}}\) \(\newcommand{\var}{\text{Var}}\) \(\newcommand{\corr}{\text{corr}}\) \(\newcommand{\len}[1]{\left|#1\right|}\) \(\newcommand{\bbar}{\overline{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bhat}{\widehat{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bperp}{\bvec^\perp}\) \(\newcommand{\xhat}{\widehat{\xvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\vhat}{\widehat{\vvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\uhat}{\widehat{\uvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\what}{\widehat{\wvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\Sighat}{\widehat{\Sigma}}\) \(\newcommand{\lt}{<}\) \(\newcommand{\gt}{>}\) \(\newcommand{\amp}{&}\) \(\definecolor{fillinmathshade}{gray}{0.9}\)Relational Sensitivity:
Each human has a level of intimacy with others in which they are comfortable. When an interaction with others crosses the line, and they begin to feel uncomfortable, the line is referred to as that person’s Intimacy Barrier. For most people, having a stranger 12 feet away in a public area is considered acceptable. However, if that same stranger stood only one foot away from a person, that person may feel uncomfortable or even threatened. For many people, greeting someone they know well with a hug seems appropriate in a social setting but perhaps not in a professional setting. In some cultures, people are more comfortable with physical touch and close proximity to others than those in other cultures.
When working with children who have experienced trauma, the same concepts apply. A child may feel OK in school when the environment is structured and others are a few feet away, but threatened when someone comes up closer or asks a seemingly innocent question (i.e. “Where is your mom?”, “Why do you wear clothes like those?”, etc.). In traumatized children, these seemingly innocent questions or remarks may set off something in the traumatized child’s brain that may cause the child to react as if they are being attacked. When working with these children, we must remember that their brains have been wired to survive their environment at any cost, including standing up to perceived threats and fighting for their life. Dr. Bruce Perry suggests the following when working with children who are relationally-sensitized: (Intimacy Barrier)
- Watch your proximity.
- Be present, parallel and patient.
- Let the child come to you.
- Don’t take the child’s behavior or reactions personally.
- Give the child elements of control. (If they feel in control, they will be more regulated.)
- Give adequate time to make choices.
- Give warnings and options when touch or physical proximity is necessary.
- Understand that relational interactions are evocative cues.
- Remember that the child is also likely sensitized to abandonment.
- Regulate yourself before you can regulate the child.
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Case Study:
A young foster care mother was excited to bring home a little boy named Thomas, and to welcome him to her family! Thomas was four years old; he had the cutest dimples and the biggest brown eyes! The mother was sure that all he needed was some love and kindness, and he would fit in well with her family. The first few days in the new home were calm and filled with new excitement as Thomas learned how this new family operated. By about the fifth day, things had settled down into somewhat of a routine; when everyone got home from work or school, each person pitched in to help get dinner prepared so that the family could sit around the table and enjoy their meal together. It was during this time that Thomas’ behavior started to make the mother wonder what she had gotten her family into! It was a Thursday night, and the family was in a hurry; the mother had gotten out of work late, and they needed to eat and get back to the school for a concert in which the oldest son was singing. Things were a little hectic as the mother cooked the meal and the youngest daughter helped make a salad. Tonight was Thomas’ turn to set the table, something he had been taught by his new siblings the previous nights. “Thomas,” said the mother, “I need you to set the table quickly tonight so we can all eat and get back to the school.” She reached out and ruffled his hair as she spoke. Thomas wheeled around, those big brown eyes looking like they were out to kill, and he started pounding on the mother with his fists and yelling “I’m not going! I’m not going!” What in the world caused such a reaction, thought the mother as she tried to protect herself and hold Thomas tightly. Something had obviously set him off, but she had no idea what it could have been.
What would you do in this situation? Refer back to Dr. Perry’s recommendations and decide how this seemingly innocent situation could have been better handled.
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