6.4: Self-Disclosure and Interpersonal Communication

Learning Objectives

• Define self-disclosure.
• Explain the connection between social penetration theory, social comparison theory, and self-disclosure.
• Discuss the process of self-disclosure, including how we make decisions about what, where, when, and how to disclose.
• Explain how self-disclosure affects relationships.

Have you ever said too much on a first date? At a job interview? To a professor? Have you ever posted something on Facebook only to return later to remove it? When self-disclosure works out well, it can have positive effects for interpersonal relationships. Conversely, self-disclosure that does not work out well can lead to embarrassment, lower self-esteem, and relationship deterioration or even termination. As with all other types of communication, increasing your competence regarding self-disclosure can have many positive effects.

So what is self-disclosure? It could be argued that any verbal or nonverbal communication reveals something about the self. The clothes we wear, a laugh, or an order at the drive-through may offer glimpses into our personality or past, but they are not necessarily self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is purposeful disclosure of personal information to another person. If I purposefully wear the baseball cap of my favorite team to reveal my team loyalty to a new friend, then this clothing choice constitutes self-disclosure. Self-disclosure doesn’t always have to be deep to be useful or meaningful. Superficial self-disclosure, often in the form of “small talk,” is key in initiating relationships that then move onto more personal levels of self-disclosure. Telling a classmate your major or your hometown during the first week of school carries relatively little risk but can build into a friendship that lasts beyond the class.

Theories of Self-Disclosure

Social penetration theory states that as we get to know someone, we engage in a reciprocal process of self-disclosure that changes in breadth and depth and affects how a relationship develops. Depth refers to how personal or sensitive the information is, and breadth refers to the range of topics discussed (Greene, Derlega, & Mathews, 2006). You may recall Shrek’s declaration that ogres are like onions in the movie Shrek. While certain circumstances can lead to a rapid increase in the depth and/or breadth of self-disclosure, the theory states that in most relationships people gradually penetrate through the layers of each other’s personality like we peel the layers from an onion.

Figure 6.4.1 Helena Jacoba – Red Onion close up – CC BY 2.0.

The next theory of self-disclosure that we will discuss is the Johari Window, which is named after its creators Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham (Luft, 1969). The Johari window can be applied to a variety of interpersonal interactions in order to help us understand what parts of ourselves are open, hidden, blind, and unknown. To help understand the concept, think of a window with four panes. As you can see in Figure 6.2 “Johari Window”, one axis of the window represents things that are known to us, and the other axis represents things that are known to others. The upper left pane contains open information that is known to us and to others. The amount of information that is openly known to others varies based on relational context. When you are with close friends, there is probably a lot of information already in the open pane, and when you are with close family, there is also probably a lot of information in the open pane. The information could differ, though, as your family might know much more about your past and your friends more about your present. Conversely, there isn’t much information in the open pane when we meet someone for the first time, aside from what the other person can guess based on our nonverbal communication and appearance.

Figure 6.4.2: Johari Window Source: Joseph Luft, Of Human Interaction (Palo Alto, CA: National Press Books, 1969).

The bottom left pane contains hidden information that is known to us but not to others. As we are getting to know someone, we engage in self-disclosure and move information from the “hidden” to the “open” pane. By doing this, we decrease the size of our hidden area and increase the size of our open area, which increases our shared reality. The reactions that we get from people as we open up to them help us form our self-concepts and also help determine the trajectory of the relationship. If the person reacts favorably to our disclosures and reciprocates disclosure, then the cycle of disclosure continues and a deeper relationship may be forged.

The upper right pane contains information that is known to others but not to us. For example, we may be unaware of the fact that others see us as pushy or as a leader. Looking back to self-discrepancy theory from Chapter 2 “Self-Communication and Perception”, we can see that people who have a disconnect between how they see themselves and how others see them may have more information in their blind pane. Engaging in perception checking and soliciting feedback from others can help us learn more about our blind area.

The bottom right pane represents our unknown area, as it contains information not known to ourselves or others. To become more self-aware, we must solicit feedback from others to learn more about our blind pane, but we must also explore the unknown pane. To discover the unknown, we have to get out of our comfort zones and try new things. We have to pay attention to the things that excite or scare us and investigate them more to see if we can learn something new about ourselves. By being more aware of what is contained in each of these panes and how we can learn more about each one, we can more competently engage in self-disclosure and use this process to enhance our interpersonal relationships.

The Process of Self-Disclosure

Self-disclosure is when you share personal information with someone, like your experiences, thoughts, feelings, or needs. It’s a big part of building trust and connection in relationships, but deciding to open up isn’t always simple. You have to think about what to say, when to say it, and who you’re saying it to. Usually, we start by sharing simple things—like what we’ve done or what we think—and gradually move toward deeper stuff, like our emotions or what we really need. Sometimes, though, people open up quickly, especially in intense situations or with someone they don’t expect to see again.

There are lots of reasons we might choose to share or stay quiet. We might open up because we need support, want to feel better, or hope to strengthen a relationship. On the other hand, we might hold back to avoid embarrassment, rejection, or just because it doesn’t feel like the right moment. Timing matters—a good moment to talk can help things go well, while bad timing can make even a thoughtful message fall flat. How we share also makes a difference. Face-to-face conversations feel more personal and allow for emotional feedback, but they can also be intimidating. Texts or messages give you more control over your words but lack the emotional cues that come from tone or body language.

Sometimes, self-disclosure just happens without much planning—maybe someone asks a direct question or shares something personal first. If you’re not ready to open up in return, that’s okay. Being a good listener and showing support can be just as meaningful.

Effects of Disclosure on the Relationship

The self-disclosure process is circular: you share something, the other person reacts, and you interpret their reaction. How they respond depends a lot on why they think you shared. If they attribute your disclosure to your personality (a dispositional attribution), they might judge you as friendly or attention-seeking. If they blame the situation (a situational attribution), they might think, “She only said that because we’re on our lunch break.” And if they link it to your relationship (an interpersonal attribution), they’ll feel honored you trusted them with that information—and that usually brings you closer together.

But being the keeper of someone’s secret can be tough. You might feel pressured to “unload” it on someone else—sometimes for good reasons (like asking for advice) and sometimes just to feel important. Unfortunately, studies show many people break confidences to look powerful or in-the-know, which can seriously damage trust.

When self-disclosure goes well—when the listener reacts supportively and keeps your confidence—it boosts intimacy, self-worth, and even physical health. People who talk through their most painful experiences generally report less stress, feel more supported, and enjoy better overall well-being.