7.6: The Dark Side of Relationships

Learning Objectives

• Define the dark side of relationships.
• Explain how lying affects relationships.
• Explain how sexual and emotional cheating affects relationships.
• Define the various types of interpersonal violence and explain how they are similar and different.

What constitutes the dark side of relationships? There are two dimensions of the dark side of relationships: one is the degree to which something is deemed acceptable or not by society; the other includes the degree to which something functions productively to improve a relationship or not (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). These dimensions become more complicated when we realize that there can be overlap between them, meaning that it may not always be easy to identify something as exclusively light or dark.

Some communication patterns may be viewed as appropriate by society but still serve a relationally destructive function. Our society generally presumes that increased understanding of a relationship and relational partner would benefit the relationship. However, numerous research studies have found that increased understanding of a relationship and relational partner may be negative. In fact, by avoiding discussing certain topics that might cause conflict, some couples create and sustain positive illusions about their relationship that may cover up a darker reality. Despite this, the couple may report that they are very satisfied with their relationship. In this case, the old saying “ignorance is bliss” seems appropriate. Likewise, communication that is presumed inappropriate by society may be productive for a given relationship (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). For example, our society ascribes to an ideology of openness that promotes honesty. However, as we will discuss more next, honesty may not always be the best policy. Lies intended to protect a relational partner (called altruistic lies) may net an overall positive result improving the functioning of a relationship.

Lying

Lying isn’t always bad in relationships. Sometimes we lie to protect someone’s feelings. Research shows that only about a quarter of people think total honesty is necessary for a successful relationship, so lying is a common part of communication. We tend to lie more when a relationship is new, like on a first date, to make a good impression—about our personality, past, or skills. These lies might be small exaggerations, and people often get away with them because they don’t know each other well.

We also tell “altruistic lies” to spare others’ feelings, like complimenting a friend’s bad painting or pretending to like a meal. These lies can keep peace but might hurt the other person if they rely on false praise. As relationships get closer, we lie less and often just avoid certain topics instead. Sometimes we answer vaguely to hide the truth. When we do lie outright, we may need to tell more lies to keep the story straight. We’re only a little better than chance at spotting lies, but couples who know each other well detect lies more easily. Still, closeness can make us trust and believe our partners even when they might be lying. Finding out about lies can hurt feelings, damage trust, and harm the relationship.

Figure 7.6.1: Some lies are meant to protect someone or make someone feel better. Pamela Jackson – crossed fingers – CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Anger and Aggression

We only have to look at some statistics to get a startling picture of violence and aggression in our society: 25 percent of workers are chronically angry; 60 percent of people experience hurt feelings more than once a month; 61 percent of children have experienced rejection at least once in the past month; 25 percent of women and 16 percent of men have been stalked; 46 percent of children have been hit, shoved, kicked, or tripped in the past month; and nearly two million people report being the victim of workplace violence each year (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007; Occupational Safety and Healthy and Safety Administration, 2011). Violence and abuse definitely constitute a dark side of interpersonal relationships. Even though we often focus on the physical aspects of violence, communication plays an important role in contributing to, preventing, and understanding interpersonal violence. Unlike violence that is purely situational, like a mugging, interpersonal violence is constituted within ongoing relationships, and it is often not an isolated incident (Johnson, 2006). Violence occurs in all types of relationships, but our discussion focuses on intimate partner violence and family violence.

Many people experience anger, hurt feelings, rejection, and violence at work or home. Violence in relationships isn’t just physical—it often involves ongoing patterns of abuse and control.

Intimate partner violence (IPV) happens between romantic partners and comes in three types:

• Intimate terrorism is when one partner uses violence and control to dominate the other, including emotional abuse and isolating them.
• Violent resistance is when the abused partner fights back but isn’t trying to control.
• Situational couple violence happens due to specific conflicts, without a goal of control.

Most intimate terrorism is men abusing women, while violent resistance is usually women defending themselves. Situational violence is more common and less about control. Child abuse is another major issue, with many cases yearly. Abusive parents often misinterpret children’s behavior and respond harshly, harming their self-esteem and causing fear. Children can also be abusive toward parents, especially teenagers, though this is less reported. Psychological abuse, like insults, control, and threats, is very common and can be more damaging than physical abuse. It harms mental health, causing depression, anxiety, and other serious issues. Overall, communication plays a big role in both causing and preventing violence in relationships.