8.1: Communication in Intimate Relationships

 

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): Love in a tropical setting (CC0; Asad Photo Maldives via Pexels)

 

To set the mood, listen to this video:

Let’s Fall in Love – Ella Fitzgerald

• Who was Ella Fitzgerald? (optional)

If only it was as easy as Ella Fitzgerald made it sound. Maybe it is. Around the world, historically arranged marriages have been the norm among royalty (to avoid wars and cement relations between nation-states), among families engaged in commerce (to enlarge commercial empires), and in certain, primarily Asian and African cultures.

You may much prefer the idea of just “falling in love” to the idea of being told whom we are going to marry and spend the rest of our lives with, but wouldn’t it be nice to have a playbook to help us “fall in love”?

A study of those arranged marriages suggests that commitment, communication, accommodation, and vulnerability are key components of a successful relationship. Other research suggests that sharing adventures, secrets, personal space, and jokes can build intimacy and love with your partner. (Epstein)

Imagine the scene: You’re at your favorite club. Or maybe the college cafeteria. Or maybe church. Wherever. You spot someone across the room. What attracts you to the other person? Odds are it’s their appearance. We tend to like people who are like us. If we are tall, blonde, and blue-eyed, we’re likely to be attracted to people who are tall, blonde, and blue-eyed. Or at least one or two of those features. If we are tall and Black, we’re likely to be attracted to someone tall and Black. If we are short and stocky, we tend to be attracted to others who are short and stocky. But notice the word likely So we’re not always attracted to someone with those physical characteristics. Sometimes the old adage is correct, opposites do attract.

• Take a couple of minutes and think about the physical characteristics of someone to whom you might want to become more romantically attracted. If you are in a face-to-face or remote class, be prepared to discuss these in a small group. In an online class, submit them in a short essay for your instructor.

Research also shows that we are seeking partners who are similar to us in other ways. This is called similarity.

• Please take a few minutes and do just a bit of research and five two examples of things you would like your partner to have in common with you. Submit them (with sources in APA style) to your instructor and be prepared to discuss in class.

Research also shows we want our partner to “fill in the missing gaps” or the weak parts of our own personality. This is called complementarity. This is where the adage opposites attract” really does come into play.

If we are looking for someone to fill in the gaps in our own areas of competence or personality – perhaps you’re great at doing gardening but lousy at handyman skills – it makes sense you’d want someone competent at those things where you are weak. In an age of two-income families, it makes sense that we’d like to see our partner engaged in work at which they are extremely competent to earn the highest income possible.

“Breaking the ice,” having that first discussion, can be awkward, though perhaps not quite as awkward as this clip from the 1985 movie “Back to the Future.”

Back to the Future I'm Your Density

• Your instructor might want to discuss the icebreakers “back in the day” as he or she knew them. You might also be invited to share your icebreaker experiences.

Once we get beyond the icebreaker, disclosure becomes an important factor in how we form relationships, romantic or otherwise. Typically, the initial disclosure is very little. Perhaps little more than a name. Then, slowly, we might disclose more. Where we went to school, where we go to church. What our parents do. Where our family came from, and so on. But we only disclose more information about ourselves if the other person discloses more information about him or herself. As we get further along in a blossoming relationship, the discussion turns more serious: Are you interested in children? Should the wife stay home to raise kids? If so, just until the kids are in school? How do you feel about homeschooling? Some religions sponsor church-run K-12 schools. Do you want your children to attend a church-run K-12 school, etc?

(An aside: Some families recognize the two-income family model has some possible issues. The two major issues are (1) the possibility that one partner may at some point lose his/her job, and (2) the question of whether one partner should stay home to raise the children while they are very young. For this reason, some families choose to live on one partner’s income while building up a substantial reserve fund from the other partner’s paycheck.

(There are also some possible issues with the one-income family model, most notably that the income-earner could be laid off or die. To have an adequate cushion against layoffs, the $50,000-a-year single-income family would need about $35,000 in savings. To permanently replace that $50,000 income would require an investment portfolio of at least $1 million generating at least 5% a year in income. )

It traditionally has been hard to develop or maintain a relationship when the two parties are far apart. If someone was in Maryland and the other person in California, for instance, it would be said they were “geographically undesirable.” To try to maintain established relationships, people as recently as 100 years ago wrote letters. A great deal of the material that historians draw upon to write biographies of people from the past is their letters. By the time World War II came along, soldiers could line up for the opportunity to make 5-minute phone calls home. Today, military members around the world as well as civilians can keep in instantaneous touch with friends, relatives, and business associates.

You may have moved and stayed in touch with friends and family in another state or halfway around the world. But is that practical when dating? A survey for Hire a Helper (2019) found that when dating through apps or online, the limit on love is about 30 miles or less. While 27% say they are open to finding a long-distance partner, 44% said that if they did find a long-distance partner, they would consider moving to be with them. In other words, distance still matters, and a person can still be “geographically undesirable.”

Do online dating apps work? Thirty percent of U.S. adults say they have used an online dating site or app. And 12% “say they have married or been in a committed relationship with someone they first met through a dating site or app. All in all, about a quarter of Americans (23%) say they have ever gone on a date with someone they first met through a dating site or app.” Online dating is particularly popular among younger adults and those who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LGB). Majorities of online daters say it was at least somewhat easy for them to find others that they found physically attractive, shared common interests with, or who seemed like someone they would want to meet in person.(Andereson, Vogels & Turner, 2020).

So, how do we bolster the odds that we will be successful? Watch these two videos:

How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps | Christina Wallace

• In 500 words or less, explain why she used OKCupid, what a sales funnel is, what is the zero date? (This and the next two exercises are all part of the same exercise.)

How I hacked online dating | Amy Webb

 

• What was the probability of her finding the possibility of finding Mr. Right? Why did she decide to ask her own questions? Thinking about her questions, do you agree with them? What does Amy Webb say is the algorithm for love?

Finally, out of any relationship, there have to be rewards for both partners. Watch this video, and be prepared to discuss what Jenn McCarthy says are the rewards of marriage.

How to live happily ever after: Jenna McCarthy at TEDxAmericanRiviera

 

• Now, read "Why Stay Married?" (below) and be prepared to discuss the top five rewards related to marriage cohesion and the top three barriers to leaving a marriage. Do you agree with this list? Does it differ from what Jenna McCarthy said in her video and if so, how?

Why stay married? Rewards, barriers, and marital stability

(If you encounter difficulty accessing the article, please use your college library’s search box and search for DOI:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00561.x.)

Knapp’s Model of Relational Dynamics

Mark J. Knapp (1938-present) is a teaching professor at the University of Texas who developed a model that explains how relationships grow, last, and end. The steps are:

Coming together

Initiating

Experimenting

Intensifying

Integrating

Bonding

Maintaining the Relationship

 

Coming apart (sometimes but not always)

Differentiating

Circumscribing

Stagnating

Avoiding

Terminating

You can see an illustration of his model and read descriptions of his steps (although I think they are pretty self-explanatory) here.

(https://www.communicationtheory.org/...ionship-model/)

References

Epstein, R. (2010). How Science Can Help You Fall in Love. Scientific American Mind. January/February 2010. p. 26-33. Epstein-HOW_SCIENCE_CAN_HELP_YOU_FALL_IN_LOVE-Sci_Am_Mind-JanFeb2010.pdf (drrobertepstein.com)

Anderson, M., Vogels, E.A., & Tuner, E. (2020, Feb. 9). The virtues and downsides of online dating. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online-dating/