9.2: Resolving Disagreements in the Family

Conflict is a serious problem in contemporary American families. One in four marriages ends in divorce, which is usually preceded, and often caused, by unresolved conflict. Not only does conflict cause marriages to splinter, but it also causes serious physical and emotional illness – ulcers, headaches, etc.

What causes conflict, even warfare, within a family. To start with, a family isn’t a voluntary organization. To be sure, a husband and wife choose each other. But children don’t choose their parents, nor do cousins, in-laws and others. In one case, conflict at a cousin’s house was so intense that Melissa broke out in hives that lasted more than a week. When she went to the doctor on an unrelated matter, he asked her what those were all about. When she said they developed after visited her cousin Jane, he told her to never see Jane again – and wrote that in her medical chart. Melissa could leave that house, but the members of that family couldn’t. Once conflict begins in a family, accumulation of grievances can become self-perpetuating.

Another cause of conflict in a family is the intimacy of contact. “If a man’s home is his castle,” says Blood (1960), “it is also the place where his dungeons of despair are. A man who would never strike a woman in public finds his fury uncontrollable when goaded by a nagging wife behind closed doors. A child who would be patiently admonished in a public park needs a pillow in his pants for the same behavior at home.”

Over the last 100 years, the nature of the American family has changed. In the past, American women tended to have a number of children. This was driven, among other reasons, by the simple fact that disease would take a number of them. Today, thanks to modern medicine, a couple with one or two children is likely to see those children survive. But for those children, a small family is not always a blessing. In a large family, such as that of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett who has seven children, no one child can monopolize her attention and affection, whereas in a small family, one child can do just that, resulting in sibling rivalry becoming acute. And rivalry can lead to conflict.

As if all that wasn’t enough potential for conflict, add in the simple fact that a family is constantly changing. Newlyweds typically have little more than a year to work out their relationship before pregnancy occurs. After that, another child comes along every two years. As the children grow, patterns of family life must constantly be adjusted. And it’s not just the children that cause disruptive change.

The parents' needs also change. The mother loses her figure, or the father fails to get the raise he expected. Or even worse, the father loses his job. Sometimes, the family has to move to an entirely different part of the country or the world, which is massively disruptive to family relationships.

Keeping Our Cool

So it is imperative to try to “keep our cool” when dealing with situations in our own family. How can we do that? In his book, How to Negotiate with Kids . . . Even When You Think You Shouldn’t, Scott Brown offers several tips. They are tailored at kids 2 to 12, but work for teenagers and adults, too. Here they are:

1. Deal with your own emotions first. Understand your hot-button issues. When you temper flares, try to find a few quiet moments to take some deep breaths. Then, think about your child’s perspective. He may not understand that what he has done is wrong. Or, he may be deeply upset.

2. Remember, children tend to be more emotional than adults. So help them deal with their emotions. Did your daughter spill water on the dining room table? Rather than yell, show her how to clean it up. If bedtime is particularly stressful for the child, set aside time to read and talk to her.

3. Listen to learn. Family dinners are key here, but sometimes we have to set aside other times, too. Maybe the child has something deeply personal to ask us.  A mother might pick up her children and their friends and drive them somewhere.  As she drives, her radio is off, and her ears are tuned to the conversations in the back seats.  "You'd be amazed what I learn," she told me.  And sometimes those conversations lead to serious discussions at dinner.

4. Talk to teach. Take a hint from the Army: In training, there is constant instruction on the why as well as the how. Apply the same tactic in your family.

Sometimes all you will need is a short reminder: After you’ve explained that we take off our shoes to avoid tracking mud into the house, it may be enough to simply say “Shoes!” when your kid starts tracking in mud. What you don’t want to do is to tell your child how stupid and incompetent he/she is.

Don’t be afraid to share your own emotions: “It’s frustrating to me when you track in mud because . . . “ By doing so, you teach empathy and show that emotions are normal.

5. Use persuasion rather than coercion. Your son wants to go to the movies downtown at night, all alone. Rather than say no, you express concern, say downtown can be dangerous at night, especially for kids, and offer to drive him and his friends to a matinee and pick them up immediately afterwards.

6. Discipline wisely. Agree in advance on the consequences if your child breaks his promise. If he does so, administer the agreed-upon punishment consistenly and calmly. You’ll teach self-discipline and internal values rather than simply teach him how to read your moods.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree

That old saying appears to be true, researchers have found, when it comes to family abuse. Cases studies of children raised in a family setting where physically violent interaction, such as spouse beating or child abuse, was frequent, were likely to commit physically violent acts themselves. A three-generational study found that abusive parents were usually abused as children. (Steinmetz, 1977).

How Can We Resolve Conflicts Among Adults?

Watch this video:

Conflict Resolution in 6 Simple Easy Steps

 

• What is the acronym Dr. Byrne discusses? (Write a paragraph about each letter. If you are in a face-to-face class, be prepared to discuss.)

3 ways to resolve a conflict | Dorothy Walker | TED Institute

 

• What are the three steps to resolve a conflict? (Write a short essay. If a face-to-face class, be prepared to discuss in class)

References

Blood Jr, R.O. (1960). Resolving family conflicts. Conflict Resolution 4(2) 209-210. https://deepblue.lib.umich.edu/bitstream/handle/2027.42/67479/10.1177_002200276000400206.pdf?sequence=2

Steinmetz, S. K. (1977). The Use of Force for Resolving Family Conflict: The Training Ground for Abuse. The Family Coordinator, 26(1), 19–26. https://doi.org/10.2307/581856