8.1: LGBTQ+ Relationships and Families - Overview

Introduction

This chapter provides an overview of research and practice relating to LGBTQ+ families, relationships, and parenting. It describes the definitions LGBTQ+ people have for family and the relationships LGBTQ+ individuals have with their families of origin. It investigates how minority stress, family acceptance, and rejection affect these relationships. The chapter discusses how LGBTQ+ people form intimate relationships, how people in these relationships navigate established (often discriminatory) social and legal systems, and how recent social and legal changes (e.g., marriage equality) affect these relationships. It talks about the nature and prevalence of families headed by LGBTQ+ people that include children and the ways that LGBTQ+ people become parents. It reviews the changing legal landscape as it relates to same-sex parenting and family building and delineates some of the challenges these families face when interacting with legal systems, health care and human services providers, and educators. The final section considers what it means to come out as LGBTQ+ to one’s children. Each section also critically explores the relevant scientific literatures, challenges existing anti-LGBTQ+ myths, and identifies resources and organizations that support LGBTQ+ families.

It is difficult to quantify how many people in the United States are in LGBTQ+ relationships. U.S. census data give us some idea, although the numbers are likely underreported. The U.S. census counted approximately 10.7 million adults (4.3 percent of the U.S. adult population) who identify as LGBTQ+ and 1.4 million adults (0.6 percent of the U.S. adult population) who identify as transgender. Of those, approximately 1.1 million are in same-sex marriages (totaling 547,000 couples),^[1] and 1.2 million are part of an unmarried same-sex relationship (totaling 600,000 couples).^[2]

What Is a Relationship?

The word relationship can refer to many types of social interactions. Relationship research typically focuses on interpersonal relationships, which are deep, close relationships between two or more people. These relationships are sometimes described in other ways, as a friendship, a couple, or a marriage. Research exploring LGBTQ+ interpersonal relationships is often centered on intimate or sexual relationships that are described as a partnership, a couple, a marriage, or just a relationship.

How Do LGBTQ+ Relationships Form?

Relationships vary in the internal and external resources that strengthen the relationship, contributing to the well-being of the members in the relationship, and that help them cope with the stressors they have to confront both as individuals and as a couple. The availability of external resources is a changing landscape for same-sex couples.^[3]

For example, research has demonstrated that gay men, lesbians, and middle-aged heterosexuals—those looking for mates in what they term “a thin market”—are more likely to rely on the internet to find a partner.^[4] A nationally representative longitudinal survey, “How Couples Meet and Stay Together (HCMST),” of over four thousand adults found that, on average, although heterosexual and same-sex couples reported meeting primarily through friends, trends since 2009 suggest that the number of couples meeting online from both groups is increasing, but same-sex couples are significantly more likely to meet online than heterosexual couples.^[5]

Queer Resistance

Some same-sex relationships, with or without children, follow the expected norms regarding monogamy and exclusivity. Some relationships “queer,” or stray from, traditional heteronormative relationship norms, to include polyamorous relationships (three or more committed partners), multiparent families (often two women partners raising children with a male platonic friend who is the biological father), or platonic partnering (often a queer man and woman who are friends and partner to raise a child).^[6] Queering these relationships can certainly lead to burdens, including negative judgment and discrimination from external sources. On the other hand, they can also bring strengths, including freedom, creativity, and a family or relationship that is tailor-made to the people involved (figure 8.1).

Figure 8.1. The polyamory logo of a heart entwined with an infinity symbol. (Public domain, Opensofias.)

A study of a thousand gay men in Britain found that approximately 40 percent were or had been in an open relationship. In a study of gay male couples in the San Francisco Bay Area, agreements guiding open relationships varied considerably among gay male couples, with most having rules or conditions regarding extrarelational sex. A related study found that about equal numbers reported having agreements to allow sex with people outside the relationship (47 percent) and agreements to be monogamous (45 percent), with some (8 percent) reporting disagreements. Other studies have found slightly higher levels of monogamy (52.8 percent) and fewer couples reporting open relationships (13.0 percent), and some find “monogamish” relationships (14.9 percent) or discrepant relationships (in which partners do not agree on whether they are in an open or monogamous relationship; 19.3 percent). One study reported even higher rates of agreement to be monogamous (74 percent).^[7]

Interestingly, most people maintain a strong bias in favor of monogamous relationships, viewing them more favorably than consensual nonmonogamous relationships in terms of their potential for providing relationship and sexual satisfaction. Monogamous relationships are also seen as more likely to preserve sexual health. However, little evidence exists to support these views. Most couples have little assurance that their partners remain faithful forever, and there is little evidence that nonmonogamists are less likely to practice safer sex. These widespread biases reflect negative media representations and the views of mental health providers and politicians.^[8]

The AIDS epidemic fueled the study of sex among men who have sex with men, but there are significantly fewer studies of the sexual agreements of lesbian and bisexual female couples. “The Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey,” conducted by the online magazine Autostraddle, asked “lady-types who sleep with lady-types” about their relationship agreements. Of the over 8,500 people who completed the survey, 56 percent reported being in a monogamous relationship, 15 percent in a nonmonogamous relationship, and 29 percent reported not being in a relationship. When asked about their preferred type of relationship, 62 percent said monogamy, 22 percent said mostly monogamy, 6 percent said open relationship, 5 percent polyamory, and the rest a range of other configurations, such as “triad,” “polyfidelity,” and “don’t ask, don’t tell.”^[9]

Figure 8.2. Polyamory flag at San Francisco Pride March 2004. (CC BY-SA Pretzelpaws.)

Relationship Quality

The field of relationship studies is an interdisciplinary field that includes but is not limited to psychology, social psychology, social work, and marriage and family therapy. Before 2015 this field was not uniformly open to the study of same-sex couples, but it now is an important site of inquiry about LGBTQ+ relationship quality, longevity, and impact. Much of the literature on same-sex relationship quality focuses on comparing LGBTQ+ people’s dating, cohabitation, and marriage pathways and experiences with heterosexual people. This work has repeatedly found that LGBTQ+ relationships experience the same level of satisfaction compared with non-LGBTQ+ relationships and that similar variables predict stability and overall satisfaction in these relationships.^[10] The outcome of this research has shown repeatedly that LGBTQ+ relationships are just as well adjusted as their heterosexual counterparts and experience similar stressors.

However, LGBTQ+ people, as stigmatized minorities, experience higher rates of mental and physical health challenges, such as mood and anxiety disorders, compared with heterosexual and cisgender people.^[11] This unique stress, called minority stress, affects those in LGBTQ+ relationships both internally (internalized heterosexism) and externally (experiences of discrimination) and has a negative effect on relationship quality and satisfaction (figure 8.3). One way to explain the connection is that internalized stigma increases the likelihood for experiencing depression, and depression produces stress on a relationship.^[12] In one sample of 142 gay men, trust in relationships was influenced by experiences of discrimination when measuring overall relationship satisfaction. In this same sample, those with lower internalized heterosexism had a greater sense of commitment and higher levels of relationship satisfaction.^[13]

Figure 8.3. Minority stress process in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations. (Public domain, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

This stress provides unique challenges for LGBTQ+ couples and families, compared with their straight and cisgender counterparts. LGBTQ+ couples often have to navigate judgment and rejection from their families of origin and in systems, including employment and faith communities. As mentioned earlier, nonheteronormative couples (e.g., polyamorous LGBTQ+ couples) may face even more relationship scrutiny from others, although the impact of such scrutiny remains underexplored in the research.

Additional factors that affect heterosexual and cisgender relationships also affect LGBTQ+ relationships, including dating violence and divorce. Prevalence of dating violence among LGBTQ+ adolescents, although not as robust a line of inquiry as for heterosexual youth and adults, is higher than national averages for all adolescents. In addition, dating violence in adolescence appears to predict its perpetuation into college years, as well as other behaviors (such as not using condoms) that put these youth at risk as they enter adulthood. Thus the recognition and prevention of relationship and dating violence with LGBTQ+ communities is important. Some researchers and practitioners theorize that the lack of consistent and positive role models and inclusion of healthy LGBTQ+ relationships in sex education curricula and from parents and mentors creates a vacuum of information on negotiating healthy relationships, particularly for adolescents.^[14] Thus, one way to improve relationship quality for LGBTQ+ couples and families is to ensure an inclusive curriculum and access to information that includes queer couples and families across the lifespan.

Explore

Do a Google Images search (images.google.com/) for LGBTQ+ relationships. Take note of what you see in the results.

• What types of LGBTQ+ relationships are represented? What types of relationships or identities discussed in this section are not represented?
• What types of issues that are important to LGBTQ+ relationships are identified in the images?
• What image would you design for your ideal LGBTQ+ relationship?

Those who enter the normative relationship of legal marriage may later opt to seek a legal divorce. Although the process of initiating a divorce has become a fairly equal process between same-sex and different-sex couples, rates of divorce may be different. In several studies in the United Kingdom, lesbians were twice as likely to seek a divorce compared with gay men. In reporting on these statistics, one sociologist theorized that higher rates of divorce among queer and lesbian women can be explained by women entering commitment sooner and having higher standards for the relationship overall.^[15]

Check Your Knowledge

Contributed by Has Arakelyan, Rio Hondo College

Multiple-Choice Questions

1. In a study of gay men in Britain, what percentage reported being or having been in an open relationship?

A) 10%
B) 25%
C) 40%
D) 60%

2. According to research, what is the most common agreement among lesbian couples regarding relationship type?
A) Monogamy
B) Open relationship
C) Polyamory
D) Don’t ask, don’t tell

3. What is a common societal bias about monogamous relationships compared to consensual nonmonogamous relationships?
A) Nonmonogamous relationships are more satisfying
B) Monogamous relationships are seen as more likely to preserve sexual health
C) Nonmonogamous relationships are more common
D) Monogamous relationships are less stable

4. What has research repeatedly shown about the quality of LGBTQ+ relationships compared to heterosexual relationships?
A) LGBTQ+ relationships are less stable
B) LGBTQ+ relationships are more satisfying
C) LGBTQ+ relationships are always open
D) LGBTQ+ relationships are just as well-adjusted as heterosexual relationships

5. What is one way minority stress can negatively affect LGBTQ+ relationships?
A) It increases financial stability.
B) It leads to higher relationship satisfaction.
C) It increases the likelihood of depression, which can stress the relationship.
D) It eliminates discrimination.

Discussion Questions

1. Why do you think there is a strong societal bias in favor of monogamous relationships, and how might this affect people in consensual nonmonogamous relationships?
2. How do you think internalized stigma and experiences of discrimination might impact trust and satisfaction in LGBTQ+ relationships?
3. In what ways can open communication about relationship agreements improve relationship satisfaction for LGBTQ+ couples?
4. How might the findings about relationship quality in LGBTQ+ couples challenge common stereotypes or myths about these relationships?
5. Reflect on your own views about relationship types (monogamy, open, polyamory, etc.). How have your experiences, culture, or media shaped these views?

Multiple-Choice Questions - Answers

1. C) 40%
2. A) Monogamy
3. B) Monogamous relationships are seen as more likely to preserve sexual health
4. D) LGBTQ+ relationships are just as well-adjusted as heterosexual relationships
5. C) It increases the likelihood of depression, which can stress the relationship.