8.3: LGBTQ+ Families with Children

Although not all families include children, becoming parents can be an important goal for many. Research has suggested that a wide range of motivations push people to become parents, including emotional bonding, personal fulfillment, giving and receiving love, continuing the family line, and not being alone later in life. Other reasons include one’s partner wanting to become a parent or a need to feel complete. Lesbian mothers and gay fathers have reported many of the same motivations for becoming parents, but these motivations may be shaped by the unique context of LGBTQ+ parenthood. For example, a study of the parenting motivations of gay fathers found that some were motivated by the desire to instill tolerance in their children, thereby creating a more tolerant world.^[34]

Approximately 48 percent of LGBTQ+ women and 20 percent of LGBTQ+ men under age fifty are raising children.^[35] Some are doing so as part of a couple and some as single parents. In addition, approximately 3.7 million children in the United States have a parent who is LGBTQ+, and approximately 200,000 have parents who are part of a same-sex relationship (as either couples or single parents) (figure 8.8).^[36]

Figure 8.8. A same-sex couple with their children at San Francisco Gay Pride 2008. (CC BY-SA Caitlin Childs.)

How Are LGBTQ+ Families with Children Formed?

LGBTQ+ families with children are created several ways. Some may become parents while in a heterosexual relationship, and they come out later in life. Some may be in a relationship with a member of the other sex, but identify as bisexual or nonheterosexual. Others may identify as LGBTQ+, be in a same-sex relationship, and become parents through the use of assisted reproductive technology, surrogacy, adoption, or foster care.^[37]

Parents Coming Out as LGBTQ+

Because of societal pressure and expectations, LGB people of older generations may have entered relationships with a different sex partner to avoid admitting their sexual orientation, to avoid stigma and be accepted, or to have children at a time when family-building options for LGB people were unimaginable for most. Children’s reactions to parents’ coming out as LGB range from disbelief and shock to blaming the other parent for the LGB person’s “changed” identity, to feelings of acceptance and love.^[38] Some adult children report feeling closer to their parent now that they know.^[39] Many of these reactions are mediated by the child’s age and developmental stage at the time of disclosure. In fact, some experts on family communication now suggest that coming out to one’s children is about strengthening and “deepening” the relationship, not divulging a dark secret.^[40]

Parents who come out as transgender face experiences similar to those of their cisgender LGB counterparts (e.g., challenges disclosing their sexuality and gaining acceptance from children, ex- and current partners, and extended family members) but also different. First, the child’s age may influence reaction to the disclosure. The younger the children are, the more flexible their thinking and the easier they adapt to the news. Second, finding those who have a similar experience coming out as transgender to their children may be difficult. A transgender parent often needs to connect with other transgender parents in similar circumstances to find support. Third, many transgender parents report that their relationships with their children were “the same or better” after disclosing their identity than they were before disclosure.^[41]

Gay and lesbian stepfamilies may also have needs and challenges distinct from either straight families or gay and lesbian families with children.^[42] In addition to the challenges of forming a stepfamily, gay and lesbian individuals often have to negotiate whether, how, and whom to come out to and assess the impact of coming out on both the individual and the family. Coparenting with a different-sex ex-spouse or partner can range from supportive to antagonistic and can acknowledge or ignore the person’s new same-sex partner or spouse.

Myths about Same-Sex Parenting and Children in LGBTQ+ Families

Myths associated with same-sex parenting and the experiences of children raised by same-sex parents have negatively influenced the decisions of LGBTQ+ parents and interactions with legal and social services professionals.^[43] These myths include concerns that children raised by same-sex parents or in LGBTQ+ households will experience disruptions in their gender identity development or in their gender role behaviors or that they will become gay or lesbian themselves. Other myths suggest these children will have more mental health and behavioral problems; will experience problems in their social relationships and experience more stigmatization, teasing, and bullying; and are more likely to be sexually abused by their parents or parent’s friends. Research has soundly refuted all these myths.

The psychologist Charlotte Patterson conducted some of most cited research debunking the negative myths about same-sex parenting. Her research has explored the behavioral adjustment, self-concepts, and sex role behaviors of children raised in same-sex households, concluding that “more than two decades of research has failed to reveal important differences in the adjustment or development of children or adolescents reared by same-sex couples compared to those reared by other-sex couples.”^[44] She points out that the quality of family relationships is the most important predictor of healthy child development. A review exploring the implications and fitness of same-sex parenting for children found that, across twenty-three studies, the most common myths about impaired emotional functioning, greater likelihood of a homosexual sexual orientation, greater stigmatization by peers, nonconforming-gender role behavior and identity, poor behavioral adjustment, and impaired cognitive functioning were simply not true. Children raised by lesbian moms and gay dads were no more likely to experience negative outcomes than children raised by heterosexual parents (figure 8.9).^[45]

Figure 8.9. Gay couple and child at San Francisco Gay Pride 2008. (CC BY-SA Caitlin Childs.)

Both the myths about LGBTQ+ parents and their children and the research refuting the myths have found their way into the family courts. Prejudicial attitudes and stereotypes describing unfit lesbian moms and irresponsible gay dads have historically been used in custody cases to justify punitive court decisions. Research that establishes the fitness of LGBTQ+ parents has been influential in custody cases, and Patterson herself has served as an expert witness in numerous custody and other court cases.^[46] LGBTQ+ families’ lives are shaped by the powerful social forces of heterosexism and cissexism. These forces can influence policy and law, including family court cases, so there is a continuing need for unbiased and scientifically rigorous studies on LGBTQ+ family formation and the developmental and social outcomes for children in these families.

Check Your Knowledge

Contributed by Has Arakelyan, Rio Hondo College

Multiple-Choice Questions

1. What is a major challenge researchers face when studying LGBTQ+ families and relationships?
A) too many participants
B) difficulty identifying and recruiting diverse and adequately sized samples
C) lack of interest in the topic
D) overrepresentation of rural families

2. Why might some LGBTQ+ individuals be hesitant to reveal their identities or relationships in research studies?
A) They fear discrimination from families, employers, and communities.
B) They are not interested in research.
C) They do not have families.
D) They are required to participate.

3. What is a limitation of much existing research on LGBTQ+ families?
A) It often uses exclusionary, heteronormative definitions of family
B) It focuses only on families with children
C) It is always conducted outside the U.S.
D) It only studies polyamorous families

4. What percentage of LGBTQ+ women under age fifty are raising children?
A) 10%
B) 20%
C) 48%
D) 75%

5. How has research on LGBTQ+ parenting been used in family courts?
A) to support prejudicial attitudes
B) to promote only single-parent families
C) to exclude LGBTQ+ parents from custody
D) to establish the fitness of LGBTQ+ parents and influence custody cases

Discussion Questions

1. Why is it important for research on LGBTQ+ families to include diverse family structures and identities?
2. How might exclusionary definitions of family in research further marginalize certain LGBTQ+ families?
3. What are some unique motivations for LGBTQ+ individuals to become parents, and how might these differ from heterosexual parents?
4. In what ways can research help challenge stereotypes and myths about LGBTQ+ parents and their children in legal settings?
5. How do social forces like heterosexism and cisseXXXXXX

Multiple-Choice Questions - Answers

1. B) difficulty identifying and recruiting diverse and adequately sized samples
2. A) They fear discrimination from families, employers, and communities.
3. A) It often uses exclusionary, heteronormative definitions of family
4. C) 48%
5. D) to establish the fitness of LGBTQ+ parents and influence custody cases