6.3: Relationships and Well-Being
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\(\newcommand{\avec}{\mathbf a}\) \(\newcommand{\bvec}{\mathbf b}\) \(\newcommand{\cvec}{\mathbf c}\) \(\newcommand{\dvec}{\mathbf d}\) \(\newcommand{\dtil}{\widetilde{\mathbf d}}\) \(\newcommand{\evec}{\mathbf e}\) \(\newcommand{\fvec}{\mathbf f}\) \(\newcommand{\nvec}{\mathbf n}\) \(\newcommand{\pvec}{\mathbf p}\) \(\newcommand{\qvec}{\mathbf q}\) \(\newcommand{\svec}{\mathbf s}\) \(\newcommand{\tvec}{\mathbf t}\) \(\newcommand{\uvec}{\mathbf u}\) \(\newcommand{\vvec}{\mathbf v}\) \(\newcommand{\wvec}{\mathbf w}\) \(\newcommand{\xvec}{\mathbf x}\) \(\newcommand{\yvec}{\mathbf y}\) \(\newcommand{\zvec}{\mathbf z}\) \(\newcommand{\rvec}{\mathbf r}\) \(\newcommand{\mvec}{\mathbf m}\) \(\newcommand{\zerovec}{\mathbf 0}\) \(\newcommand{\onevec}{\mathbf 1}\) \(\newcommand{\real}{\mathbb R}\) \(\newcommand{\twovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\ctwovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\threevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cthreevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\mattwo}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{rr}#1 \amp #2 \\ #3 \amp #4 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\laspan}[1]{\text{Span}\{#1\}}\) \(\newcommand{\bcal}{\cal B}\) \(\newcommand{\ccal}{\cal C}\) \(\newcommand{\scal}{\cal S}\) \(\newcommand{\wcal}{\cal W}\) \(\newcommand{\ecal}{\cal E}\) \(\newcommand{\coords}[2]{\left\{#1\right\}_{#2}}\) \(\newcommand{\gray}[1]{\color{gray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\lgray}[1]{\color{lightgray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\rank}{\operatorname{rank}}\) \(\newcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\col}{\text{Col}}\) \(\renewcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\nul}{\text{Nul}}\) \(\newcommand{\var}{\text{Var}}\) \(\newcommand{\corr}{\text{corr}}\) \(\newcommand{\len}[1]{\left|#1\right|}\) \(\newcommand{\bbar}{\overline{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bhat}{\widehat{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bperp}{\bvec^\perp}\) \(\newcommand{\xhat}{\widehat{\xvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\vhat}{\widehat{\vvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\uhat}{\widehat{\uvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\what}{\widehat{\wvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\Sighat}{\widehat{\Sigma}}\) \(\newcommand{\lt}{<}\) \(\newcommand{\gt}{>}\) \(\newcommand{\amp}{&}\) \(\definecolor{fillinmathshade}{gray}{0.9}\)Loneliness and Isolation
As a society, we are witnessing a concerning trend of increasing loneliness and isolation. Individuals are spending more time apart from one another and experiencing heightened feelings of loneliness. This shift is accompanied by a decline in social capital, characterized by weakened connections with others and a deterioration of trust and reciprocity (Lim et al., 2020)²². Social connection matters greatly because it is a key predictor of well-being. Quality relationships, whether with close friends, family, or weaker ties, are fundamental to both eudaimonic and hedonic well-being. Interacting with others generally leads to happiness, energy, and overall positive feelings, making it a crucial aspect of our lives.
While many believe that happiness is hard to define or relies on wealth, researchers have identified core factors essential for a happy life. These include the number of friends, the closeness of relationships with friends and family, and connections with coworkers and neighbors (Murray et al., 1996)²³.
From an evolutionary standpoint, communal living has offered crucial advantages for survival, providing protection against threats and enhancing success in activities like hunting. Additionally, collective child-rearing strategies have ensured the offspring's well-being and success within the group. Even studies such as Dr. Harry Harlow's²⁴ with monkeys have shown a preference for affection over sustenance, highlighting the innate need for social bonds. Our biological makeup reinforces these tendencies, with oxytocin commonly known as the "cuddle hormone," emphasizing our natural inclination towards social connection and love. When we perceive social support, we tend to respond better to stress, a phenomenon known as stress buffering. The "Tend and Befriend" hypothesis²⁵, proposed by Shelley Taylor at UCLA, contrasts the traditional "Fight or Flight" response by suggesting that humans, particularly females, have evolved a tendency to seek out their social group and provide care for others during stress. This hypothesis highlights the importance of social connection in our survival as a species. The hormone oxytocin is believed to play a role in facilitating this behavior.
Quality of relationships certainly plays a significant role, yet even without considering it, the quantity of regular social contacts can predict lifespan. This comparison between social isolation and integration underscores the importance of social connections in determining longevity. You can read more about these findings by Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad and colleagues in Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review²⁶.
Researchers also investigated whether extraverted individuals were more likely to have outstanding relationships, but our findings suggest otherwise. Extraversion wasn't correlated with higher or lower relationship ratings; introverts are just as capable of fostering exceptional relationships as extraverts. Since it's these exceptional relationships that contribute to our happiness, this indicates that introverts can also find fulfillment through them. In conclusion, our analysis indicates that being more prosocial—engaging in meaningful, genuine relationships, demonstrating kindness and generosity, and being part of a supportive community—is the most promising path to sustainably enhancing our well-being. Research by GGSC fellow Brett Ford²⁷ supports this perspective, suggesting that prioritizing this approach to happiness may be more effective than solely pursuing continuous pleasure, success, and power.
But…Do we even know how to connect anymore?
Quality connections are vital because they form the foundation of relationships. Positive micro interactions, repeated over time, build trust, openness, and belonging. These connections benefit individuals by reducing stress and enhancing well-being. At a group level, they foster collaboration, shared identity, and resilience. Ultimately, they are essential for personal fulfillment and collective success.
What the research says about making quality connections (Stephen et al., 2012)²⁸:
- Greet with respect (physically open gestures, convey positive expectations, openness).
- Convey interest and care (ask meaningful questions that display genuine interest/curiosity/concern in and for the other person).
- Listen well (body language, follow up questions).
- Show appreciation and kindness (thank the other person when appropriate).
- Demonstrate responsiveness (e.g., react to the person, repeat back what they said, offer a helpful reaction).
- Identify shared interests/common ground.
- Disclose vulnerability (open up about struggles, concerns).
- Express affirmation (look for chances to offer confirmation/attention/approval).
- Generate laughter (jokes, laughing, banter).
Positive interactions are crucial for sustaining long-term relationships, as emphasized by Dr. John Gottman²⁹, who also warns about the damaging impact of the 'four horsemen' on relationships.
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling are behaviors that can deeply harm relationships if not addressed. Criticism involves attacking someone's character or actions, while Contempt manifests as belittling or adopting a stance of superiority. Defensiveness, a natural response to criticism, often involves reverse-blaming or an unwillingness to acknowledge one's faults, hindering resolution. Stonewalling is emotional shutdown and physical withdrawal, creating a barrier to connection and resolution. To strengthen relationships, therapy or marriage counseling can provide vital support. John Gottman's research challenges common assumptions about divorce predictors. Instead of fights or anger, successful marriages navigate conflict constructively, avoiding avoidance as a long-term strategy. Traits like whining, defensiveness, and stubbornness during arguments can signal trouble down the road. Gottman's "5:1 ratio" emphasizes the importance of maintaining five positive interactions for every negative one to sustain relationship well-being.²⁹
It's not about completely eliminating negativity but rather about maintaining a healthy ratio between positive and negative interactions, a principle emphasized by John Gottman. For a deeper understanding, watch the Gottman Institutes video upload called, Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account³⁰ and How Much Negativity Can Your Relationship Stand?³¹
While it's widely acknowledged that our partners and friends often offer support during tough times, the importance of their response to our successes is equally significant. This aspect is crucial for relationship well-being, as it communicates care and love, demonstrating genuine interest in the individual and their accomplishments.
Capitalizing in Social Relationships
To cultivate positive social bonds over time, it's crucial to respond appropriately to relationship bids. Active-constructive responses, exemplified by attentiveness and enthusiasm, are key when receiving good news from friends or partners, such as an award, a new job, or a raise.
For instance:
- Active-constructive: "That's GREAT!" (enthusiastic response)
- Active-destructive: "Do you have more to do now?" (focuses on the downside)
- Passive-constructive: "That's nice" [looks back at phone] (muted acknowledgment)
- Passive-destructive: "Did you watch the Super Bowl this weekend?" (disinterested and unengaged)
While it's not necessary to provide an active-constructive response every time, it should be the predominant type of response, ideally in a 3:1 ratio (Gable et al., 2006)³².
Dr. Shelly Gable³³ from UCSB sheds light on building love in relationships by discussing the significance of responding well to positive events. For further insights on improving interactions, consider watching Responding Well to Others: How our response to someone's good news affects their happiness³⁴ by LeadershipLifestyles on YouTube. Additionally, keeping your ratios in mind is essential. Consider the balance between positivity and negativity, listening and distraction, as well as talking about yourself versus actively listening in your interactions with others. These elements play a crucial role in fostering meaningful connections and enhancing relationship dynamics.
Attribution
²²Lim, M. H., Eres, R., & Vasan, S. (2020). Understanding loneliness in the twenty-first century: An update on correlates, risk factors, and potential solutions. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 55(7), 793–810. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-020-01889-7
²³Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79–98. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.1.79
²⁴Harlow, H. F., & Zimmermann, R. R. (1958). The Development of Affectional Responses in Infant Monkeys. Proceedings of the American Philosophical Society, 102(5), 501–509. https://www.jstor.org/stable/985597
²⁵Taylor, S. E. (2012). Tend and befriend theory. In P. A.M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology, Vol. 1 (pp. 32–49). Sage Publications.
²⁶Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
²⁷Why Americans Struggle to be Happy. (2015, October 26). Greater Good. Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_americans_struggle_to_be_happy
²⁸Stephens, J. P., Heaphy, E., & Dutton, J. E. (2011). High-quality Connections. In G. M. Spreitzer & K. S. Cameron (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Positive Organizational Scholarship (p. 385–399). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199734610.013.0029
²⁹Gottman, J. M., Cole, C., & Cole, D. L. (2019). Four Horsemen in Couple and Family Therapy. In Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy (pp. 1212-1216). Cham: Springer International Publishing.
³⁰The Gottman Institute. (2018, May 21). Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account [Video file]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/QHN2EKd9tuE?si=EHJyEeAq0duG4_I5
³¹The Gottman Institute. (2010, Jan 18).How Much Negativity Can Your Relationship Stand? [Video file]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/1e8x6yKAUTk?si=KrUonlL1AfzNfjKz
³²Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of personality and social psychology, 91(5), 904–917. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.904
³³Shelly Gable, University of California, Santa Barbara, Psychological & Brain Sciences [Faculty Profile]. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://psych.ucsb.edu/people/faculty/shelly-gable
³⁴LeadershipLifestyles. (2012, Dec 9). Responding Well to Others: How our response to someone's good news affects their happiness. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/I8N3Og0HGwk?si=n1gSC0fh-94AVMNF