6.7: Becoming a Better Listener

Active Listening Is Key

Listening is an essential part of communication and is often the weakest link in the communication process. People usually love to be heard but are often not as excited about listening. To be a better listener, one must be actively listening. Active listening is being engaged as a listener, not just hearing the words. It is one of the most important learning tools you can have that will benefit you on the job and help your relationships with others. Active listening requires purposefully focusing on what a speaker is saying with the objective of understanding.

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): By Mimi Thian on Unsplash

This concept may appear straightforward, but there are some important ideas that deserve a closer look. “Purposefully focusing” implies that you are actively processing what the speaker is saying, not just letting the sounds of their voice register in your senses. “With the objective of understanding” means that you will learn enough about what the speaker is saying to be able to form your own thoughts about the speaker’s message. As discussed earlier, listening is an active process, as opposed to hearing, which is passive.

Being an active listener takes concentration and work. The principles of active listening are not hard to understand, but they are hard to implement and require practice to use them effectively.

Principles of Active Listening

To implement active listening effectively, you must first understand the primary purpose behind it. Active listening should accomplish two things. The first intent you must set is to listen for understanding, ensuring that you as a listener fully understand the speaker. The second goal is to convey to the speaker that you are really listening. So part of your role is to make sure that the speaker feels understood. Again, this will take concentration and work on the part of the listener, but you can fulfill these two intents of active listening by using the following five principles:

Give the speaker your undivided attention. Clear your mind of anything else and avoid distractions, such as checking your phone, texting, surfing the web, watching television, or maintaining a high volume of the tv, music, or other environmental sounds, to name a few. If you are focused on the distractors, you are nonverbally communicating that you are uninterested in what the speaker is saying.

Instead, to communicate that you are interested and focused, attend to the speaker through eye contact, body language, and facial expressions. Putting your phone down or turning the tv volume down indicates you are preparing to listen. Leaning in toward the speaker shows interest in what the speaker is saying. Smiling, eye contact and nodding indicate that you are following what the speaker is saying and that you are interested to hear more.

Furthermore, don’t prejudge. You want to understand what the person is saying; it doesn’t mean that you need to agree with them. Wait for the speaker to finish speaking before responding and don’t interrupt.

Principle 2: Repeat What You Just Heard

Reiterate what you heard to clarify meaning and understand intentions. Confirm with the speaker that what you heard is what they said: “So what I hear you saying is…”. Paraphrasing the speaker’s message into your own words is effective for helping the speaker feel heard and thereby solidifies your reception of their message. Avoid parroting what they said word-for-word, as this can come off as disinterest.

Principle 3: Ask the Speaker to Expand or Clarify

Ask questions to clarify what the speaker is saying, especially If you are unsure whether or not you understand. Always ask questions; don’t assume. While doing so, show sensitivity to the speaker’s point of view. For example, you might say “It sounds like you are feeling hurt, which is understandable. Can you tell me more about…?”.

Nonverbal signals are essential to interpreting a speaker’s message. They manifest as facial expressions, body positioning, arm or hand gestures, and tone of voice. Confirm these body language messages just as you would verbal messages by saying things like, “You seem very excited about this idea” or “It appears you are not very happy with this situation.”

In addition, be mindful of the nonverbal signals you are sending. If you are saying the words but staring vaguely into the distance, you are conveying disinterest and inauthenticity to the speaker.

Principle 5: Listen for Requests

A speaker will often hide a request as a statement of a problem. If a friend says, “I hate math!” this may mean, “Can you help me figure out a solution to this problem?” Again, once you identify what you believe to be a request, don’t assume. Ask. You can ask for clarification and offer support simultaneously by saying things like, “Would you like some help with your math? I know a great tutor I could refer you to” or “I hate math, too! I’m going to get help from our math teacher after school tomorrow. Do you want to join me?”

Exercise: Try this!

Listening With Your Whole Body

For your first list, think of a person you consider an excellent listener. Picture that person clearly in your mind. Focus on what they do, not what they are saying. Describe what actions and postures they use to show they are listening. What are they doing with their eyes, hands, and body?

For your second list, think of a person you consider a poor listener. Picture that person clearly in your mind. Focus on what they do, not what they are saying. Describe what actions and postures they use to show they are not listening.

Now compare these lists with your behavior. How many of the body language signals from each side do you think you exhibit? How can you add more of the attitudes and actions in the first list to your behaviors? How can you control those behaviors you recognize in yourself from the second list?

Even if the listener doesn’t agree with the speaker, it is important to acknowledge that the speaker has a right to their point of view, their ideas, and their feelings. Be respectful of others’ opinions, and keep in mind that cultural differences can impact beliefs, values, and communication styles. Meaningful conversations cannot happen effectively if one side is not listening actively. The following are some examples of responses that stimulate meaningful understanding.

• Show interest to encourage further discussion. Use expressions like
  • I haven’t looked at it like that before…
  • That’s a great point…
  • Can you tell me more about…?
• Show empathy by being sensitive to the speaker’s feelings. Use expressions like
  • It appears that you…
  • I get the feeling that you…
  • I can see you feel quite strongly about this…
  • I can imagine how upsetting (frustrating/hard/emotional) that must have been…
• Demonstrate understanding of what has been said by rephrasing the message in your own words. Use expressions like
  • So what I think you’re saying is…
  • Tell me if I’m understanding what you mean. I think you’re ultimately saying that…
  • So you mean that…
• Avoid evaluating the message unless you are asked for your opinion. Evaluative comments can put the speaker in a defensive mode. They can be insulting and can inhibit further discussion. Avoid expressions like
  • Well, that seems a bit over the top.
  • That’s ridiculous.
  • I think you are overreacting.

In general, you want to encourage speakers to be able to openly share their message. The more strategies that you use for active listening, the more the speaker will be able to freely share the message, and the more likely you will be able to truly understand the message.

Let's look at the following scenario. One friend, let's call them "S," comes to their friend, "D," upset about a recent breakup. Observe how the following examples of effective listening and ineffective listening change the conversation and the outcome. Consider how the relationship between these two friends is affected in each example.

Effective versus Ineffective Listening

Effective (Active Listening) S: "I can’t believe they lied to me!" D: "It sounds like you’re really hurt and upset. Do you want to tell me what happened?" S: "They told me they were going to a movie with a friend, but they were out all night at the club and didn’t even text." D: "So you’re feeling betrayed because they didn’t tell you the whole truth." S: "Yes! I can’t stand being lied to, so I just broke up with them." D: "I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have they lied to you before?" S: "Not to my knowledge. But that’s a deal-breaker for me.v D: "So you’re saying that honesty and full disclosure are extremely important to you in a relationship?" S. "Yes! 100 percent. I just don’t think people should have anything to hide in a relationship. (sighs) I can’t believe this is happening. Thank you for being here and listening."

Ineffective S: "I can’t believe they lied to me!" D: (while scrolling on phone) "Yeah, that sucks." S: "They told me they were going to a movie with a friend, but they were out all night at the club and didn’t even text." D: (laughs while looking at phone) "Ha ha ha! Have you seen this cat video? It’s hilarious! Sorry, what were you saying?" S: "Forget it! You clearly don’t care." D: "You’re just overreacting." S: "What do you mean I’m overreacting? They lied to me!" D: "I just don’t see the big deal. You probably misunderstood them." S: "You’re not listening to me. They didn’t even tell me they were going out to the club. I thought they were going to be home way earlier. And I got no phone call or text or anything. That’s not a misunderstanding. You know what? Forget it. I need to go."

Notice how the effective listener acknowledged the speaker’s feelings, asked clarifying questions and paraphrased their message. In the end, the speaker expressed gratitude to the listener, implying that they were feeling truly heard. However, in the ineffective listening example, the listener is not fully engaged. They are scrolling on their phone, looking at an unrelated video, interrupting, and making judgmental statements. These actions leave the speaker feeling defensive and unheard, causing a rift in the relationship. Reflecting on the exercise you completed earlier, identify your strengths and weaknesses with active listening, and consider how your actions as a listener affect your relationships. What might you change in your listening habits to better support someone important in your life and potentially strengthen that interpersonal relationship?

“Communication Skills” in the Education and Career Planning Open Course by Mary Shier. CC BY.