10.2: Foundations of Relationships

Types of Relationships: Personal versus Social

To begin, let’s consider all of the relationships you have in your life. You may be surprised by the number of relationships you have. Consider all your friends, acquaintances, family members, classmates, coworkers, teammates, and people with whom you are developing relationships. All of the relationships in our lives fall within two major categories: personal and social.

Personal Relationships

Personal relationships are those that are very close and provide a deeper level of connection, whether that be emotional, physical, or spiritual. Best friends and close family members belong in the personal category. These are people we share deep levels of information with. If you experience distress about a fight you had with a romantic partner, who would you choose to talk with about it? The likelihood is that you would choose someone you have a personal relationship with, where there is a higher level of trust and history. Not all relationships are personal. In some cases, like with classmates or co-workers, we may have more surface relationships. We call these social relationships.

Social Relationships

Social relationships meet specific needs, yet do not rise to the same level of intimacy as personal relationships. Perhaps you have an acquaintance that you exercise with on a weekly basis. You enjoy the time you share together when you go for your weekly hike, however, you do not feel comfortable talking about problems that come up in your love relationship.

It is important to note that relationships can change over time. While we may start out in a social relationship with our exercise buddy, we may find that we trust this person more, every time we meet. Let’s say you are feeling sad about the recent death of a family member, yet choose to go on your weekly hike with Janice. On this particular hike, Janice notices you seem different and asks you what’s going on. When you disclose to Janice that you are grieving a family member, she listens and supports you. Perhaps she also tells you about someone she lost recently. In this scenario, the relationship you previously considered social with Janice is quickly developing into a personal relationship.

Types of Relationships: Voluntary versus Involuntary

There are many types of relationships, including titles you are likely familiar with like family, friend, or romantic partner. However, before we unpack some of the nuances between those types of relationships, let’s consider another lens that can help us distinguish how these bonds differ more broadly. How did you meet your caregivers, siblings, or other members of your family? Was it the same process you went through when meeting your friends? Probably not. In the traditional sense, we don’t choose our family, but we do get some say in who we call a friend.

Voluntary Relationship

We call a relationship voluntary when the person has freely chosen, of their own will, to form a connection with another individual. For example, when you are in elementary school, you may bond with another child on the playground because you both like to use the swings. No one forced you to play together or talk. There was a genuine desire to spend time together doing something you both enjoyed.

Involuntary Relationship

Involuntary relationships occur when an interpersonal connection is formed not by choice, but by a situational occurrence. Some examples of involuntary relationships include random seating in school, placement into a work team or committee, or jury selection. Think about the forced relationship between a prisoner and a warden. These two individuals need to interact interpersonally, however, neither person chose the relationship.

Relationship Typology Spectrums

As we have discussed, relationships can exist in a range of ways. Let’s go a bit deeper. Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\) refers to relationship typologies. We previously discussed the differences between social and personal relationships, as well as voluntary and involuntary. When these two relationship categories are further broken down and combined, they describe four distinct and specific typologies: voluntary personal, voluntary social, involuntary personal, and involuntary social. Let’s take a closer look at each of the four relationship typologies.

Voluntary Personal Partners/Spouses and Best Friends	Voluntary Social Acquaintances and Activity Partners (for example: Workout buddies)
Involuntary Personal Parent-Child, Siblings, Grandparent/Godparent-Child, and Colleagues	Involuntary Social Distant Relatives, Co-Workers, Neighbors, Classmates, and Teacher-Student relationships

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): Relationship Typologies adapted from C. Arthur VanLear, Ascan Koerner, and Donna M. Allen is licensed as CC BY-NC-SA 4.0

Voluntary Personal Relationships

An example of a voluntary personal relationship could be romantic partners. Typically romantic partners know each other well and self-disclose with intimacy. Additionally, we will assume the individuals in this relationship chose to be with the other. Another example of a voluntary personal relationship would be members of Drama Club. Students choose to join Drama Club voluntarily, based on their interest in watching, reading, and creating and performing plays and musicals. Furthermore, members of the Drama Club can quit at any time, so the relationships they engage in are voluntary.

Voluntary Social Relationships

An example of a voluntary social relationship could be the relationship you have with your gym partner, whom you have chosen to work out with, but your conversation lives more on the surface.

Involuntary Personal Relationships

An example of an involuntary personal relationship could be the relationship you have with a sibling, with whom you had no choice in being in a family. However, you know your sibling rather intimately.

Involuntary Social Relationships

An example of an involuntary social relationship could be the relationship you have with your neighbors. You might have chosen to live in a certain location but it is likely you didn’t know your neighbors until after you moved in. You probably don’t have an incredibly close relationship with them just because they live next door, and you likely don’t share a close bond.

Although these categories can help us better understand how and why communication looks different in relationships, don’t get too caught up in the labels. Think of the names of these relationships as tools to help us better understand potential contexts and dynamics. Also note, that a relationship can start off in one quadrant of this table, but over time, shift to another. For example, perhaps on your first day at a new job, you find out you are sharing an office with a peer, and from there you establish an involuntary social relationship. But one day you and this person decide to grab lunch together, and soon you are hanging out on weekends. Now that you are enjoying each other's company outside of professional settings or tasks, your relationship has become more voluntary and personal.

Boundaries

Boundaries are expectations and limitations we define in order to suit our needs and ensure that relationships stay within the appropriate category of personal or social. The main goal in setting boundaries is to create a healthy relationship, where every role and norm within the relationship is agreed upon by all parties. Boundaries don’t inherently exist in relationships but need to be mindfully defined through communication, otherwise, relationships can take a shape not everyone consents to. Therefore, it is helpful to clarify boundaries and communicate about them in our relationships, not just at the beginning but in an ongoing way.

Defining relationship boundaries can feel unnecessary in certain relationships. For example, the relationship between a mother and her young child is based on their biological roles. There are some obvious norms, such as the mother being in charge because she is her child’s caretaker, which creates an inherent power discrepancy. This suggests that most boundaries will be set by the mother in that relationships. Power dynamics will be explored more thoroughly in Chapter 12. One thing to note now is that power can be symmetrical, where each person has the same amount of power, or it can be asymmetrical, or uneven. Generally speaking, the more symmetrical the power dynamic, the more necessary it is to define relationship boundaries because the roles and norms are less obvious. That is not to say you should assume boundaries in asymmetrical relationships. It is always beneficial to discuss relational boundaries, even if they are more obvious.

Siblings of a similar age, who get along well and try to share responsibilities, are an example of a symmetrical power relationship. This is because both siblings have approximately the same amount of power. In an asymmetrical relationship, one person has more power than the other, as is the case between a parent and child. (Note: many collectivistic cultures specifically set norms around honoring and respecting elders, including siblings.) At times, a relationship that is initially symmetrical may become asymmetrical, or vice versa. For example, let’s say as the two siblings reach adolescence, one child enjoys conversational and decision-making control more than the other. In this case, the relationship might become asymmetrical, with one sibling exhibiting higher control.

Another interesting change that can occur, with respect to control, is when an asymmetrical relationship stays uneven, but the power dynamic shifts. For example, when adopted twins Janice and David were young children, they were cared for by their parents. When their parents became elderly, Janice invited them to move into her home. Janice and her partner now help her parents with food preparation, laundry, and cleaning. David comes to visit twice per week and drives both of his parents to doctors' appointments. In this example, the parents initially had more power than the children. However, as the children matured and took on caretaking roles for their elderly parents, the power in the relationship shifted. When power shifts occur, our relationships inevitably change. Using effective interpersonal communication to clarify or renegotiate boundaries may help to facilitate this transition to new roles and norms.

Roles and Norms

Roles are the specific parts we play in our relationships. At times, our role is similar or synonymous with our title in that relationship. For example, Grandma Anita enjoys playing the role of a stereotypical “grandparent,” perhaps providing love and gifts, but not necessarily engaging in setting rules or providing discipline. However, it is not uncommon for grandparents to take on a major parenting role, either part-time while parents are at work, or full-time if parents are not part of their children's lives. The real key to understanding our roles in relationships is to examine the norms.

Norms are the behaviors and acts we perform in relationships. Some norms are mutual, meaning each person performs them. For example, it might be typical in your love relationship for you and your romantic partner to take turns cooking dinner. Other norms might be more individual, for example perhaps only one of you likes to drive when you go out together. Most norms can change over time, but it is wise to establish norms that feel healthy and agreeable early in your relationships.

You might be thinking to yourself, “I have never discussed boundaries, roles, or norms, and I have great relationships!” That is very fortunate! But remember, communication is not just about what you say, it is about what you do and other nonverbal messages. So, perhaps you have set very clear boundaries through your actions. Or perhaps some of your relationships follow the expected norms and roles we have been socialized to agree upon and perform.

Reflection Questions

Take a moment to reflect on the boundaries, roles, and norms you have established in various relationships.

• Are there relationships where the roles and norms seem unclear?
• Do these need to be renegotiated or clarified?
• How might you use effective interpersonal communication to clarify these roles and norms and improve the relationship moving forward

Dialectical Tensions

When we engage in any type of relationship, it is normal to experience both internal and relational struggles. This is normal, as we are always navigating between our self-concept (or who we are) and how we want to behave in a relational context. We call this push and pull between what feels like opposing forces dialectical tensions or dialectics. Dialectical tensions occur both in our internal dialogues, as well as in our relational communication patterns. You may be wondering, why we experience these tensions. Baxter (2011) explains that these tensions are due to the many competing discourses that we experience in the world. This interplay of complex goals and desires can lead to interesting communication patterns, which can be characterized by three sets of dialectical tensions: independence and connection, novelty and predictability, and openness and closedness. Dialectics continuously define and redefine our relationships, and it is essential to understand them so we can navigate towards satisfactory and healthy relationships. Let’s explore each of the dialectics more closely.

Independence and Connection

One of the main tensions falls in the struggle between independence and connection. This refers to our need as multifaceted human beings to have both close connections with others and also independence. For example, two people in a romantic relationship may want to spend time together enjoying opera, while also spending time apart from one another to engage in their individual interests. In every relationship, whether romantic or not, each person must balance how much time to spend with the other and how much time to spend alone. A healthy relationship has a balance of both independence and connection.

Novelty and Predictability

The second dialectic we will discuss is between novelty and predictability. This tension refers to our desire for predictability, as well as a bit of spontaneity, in our relationships. In our relationships, we may take comfort in a certain level of routine as a way of knowing when we can count on people for various needs. Such predictability provides a sense of comfort, security, and stability. For example, it is comforting to know your best friend will always let you know when you have food in your teeth (or at least you hope so). On the flip side, relationships also require a balance of novelty and spontaneity to avoid becoming mundane and routine. For example, romantic couples may plan a date night each Saturday where they take turns choosing new restaurants and interactive experiences around the city to engage in together, versus watching reruns of the same television show while eating takeout from their typical pizza joint.

Openness and Closedness

The final set of tensions we discuss focuses on openness and closedness. Openness and closedness refers to the desire to be open and transparent with others, while at the same time maintaining a sense of mystery and privacy. A person’s desire for privacy does not necessarily mean they are shutting out others. As humans, we are multifaceted and multilayered, like an onion. When we meet new people, we tend to stay on the surface level (or outer layer of the onion) and wait to self-disclose our most personal information to those with whom we have the closest relationships. However, even our closest friends and loved ones do not know everything about us. We have many lived experiences (and skeletons in our closet), and it’s OK to keep some information private. For example, a committed couple promises to communicate openly and honestly. However, they may have difficulty talking about their childhood traumas with one another. Any time we are in a relationship, we manage these dialectical tensions that arise. That is because they cannot be fully resolved.

Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\): Loving Glance by Alex Lujan on Unsplash

Culture and Intercultural Communication in Relationships

As if relationships weren’t complicated enough, culture also plays a big role in how we experience interpersonal relationships. Culture is a shared set of values, beliefs, and behaviors among a common group of people. In most cases, people enter relationships with at least slight variations in their cultural background, and quite likely they differ from one another based on multiple parts of their identities, including race, ethnicity, class, gender, ability, and age (to name a few). Even when two people in an interpersonal relationship consider themselves similar in terms of their cultural background, there may be elements of intercultural communication at play, because no two people are exactly the same.

Fortunately, there are many theories and strategies that can help us maintain our relationships, not only in spite of these differences but in celebration of these differences. In the next section, we will explore some of the most common relationship types where we experience interpersonal communication frequently, specifically family, friendship, romantic partnerships, and workplace relationships.