10.7: Cycle of Abuse and Coming Apart

Healthy Conflict versus Abuse and Domestic Violence

Although most of us do our best to have healthy and supportive relationships, there are unfortunately relationships that turn abusive, and sometimes violent. According to a CDC publication that included the results of the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (Chen, et al., 2018), about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience intimate partner violence. Therefore, it is important to recognize the cycle of abuse and violence, both for our own safety in relationships, and to support our friends and loved ones. Let’s take a closer look at the cycle of abuse, as displayed in Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\) (an accessible text version is linked in the figure caption).

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): The Four Phases of the Cycle of Abuse by Avanduyn on Wikipedia is in the Public Domain.

A longer description of the Cycle of Abuse

Cycle of Abuse

Phase 1: Tension Building

Phase 1, the tension building phase, sets the stage for the abuser’s anger and control over the victim. Any stressful event, whether geopolitical like war or hunger, or personal like getting fired from a job, can increase tension in the abuser. The victim will notice an increase in controlling behaviors, such as keeping the victim close, stalking, or attempts to isolate the victim from friends and family.

Phase 2: The Incident

Phase 2 is the abuse itself, otherwise known as the incident. This is where the violence occurs. Sometimes the violence does not result in the victim getting physically harmed, especially at first. The abuser may destroy property, throw items towards the victim, punch a wall or mirror near the victim’s body, or threaten to hurt the victim or a beloved family member or pet. Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal name-calling or threats.

Phase 3: Reconciliation

Phase 3, reconciliation, generally involves apologies from the abuser, who may genuinely feel remorse for the behavior they exhibited. The abuser may even cry and berate themselves for their behavior and will likely state that it will never happen again. During this stage abusers typically tell their victims that they cannot live without them and may even threaten to kill themselves if the victim leaves. They may also offer gifts and seem incredibly gentle and kind, in the phase after the incident. Not surprisingly, Stage 3 is also known as the honeymoon phase, as it is the least likely time for violence to reoccur.

Phase 4: Calm

During the final stage, Phase 4, or calm, the abuser starts to back away from taking responsibility for the violence. Abusers may blame the victim or external circumstances for their actions. For example “I was just so stressed about losing my job. That’s why I broke the window.” They may also downplay the violence in this phase. For example, “So I broke a window. No big deal.” This phase sets the stage for the full cycle to repeat, which means tension building and controlling behavior will return next. Over time, the calm period can become shorter or disappear altogether.

Whether or not you, or someone you know, experience all four phases of the cycle of abuse in a relationship, it is essential to recognize that patterns of control and violence in a romantic partner are dangerous and tend to escalate over time. If children are present in the home, they may or may not be victims of the violence, but overhearing and witnessing violence against a caretaker leads to long-term trauma, and in some cases guilt. There are many ways to reach out for help if you or someone you know experiences intimate partner violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has 24-hour phone [phone]-SAFE), text (88788), and chat lines, with information for victims as well as those who want to support others.

Relationship Endings

No matter the reason, some relationships just don’t last. In this next section, we will address some ways relationships break apart, as well as how to cope with a relationship ending.

Ghosting

When relationships start to come apart, it is difficult to find the words to express how we feel. Some people are so averse or uncomfortable discussing the end of relationships, that they skip this step altogether. Ghosting is a term used to describe when one relational partner suddenly stops communicating with the other, signaling the end of the relationship. Ghosting is obviously easier to do when two people do not physically run into each other on a regular basis. In relationships that are fully online or via phone or text, ghosting another person is relatively easy.

Getting ghosted by someone else can leave the remaining person feeling confused and emotionally upset. Due to the nature of ghosting, the person who has been ghosted may not know whether the relationship has ended when communication initially stops. Without the ability to talk things through, regarding the dissolution of a relationship, the ghosted individual does not have a sense of closure. Ghosting is relatively common in romantic relationships in the United States. Most surveys show between 13% and 25% of people in dating relationships experience ghosting, either as the purveyor or the receiver.

Breaking Up/Divorce

Not every relationship will be happy, healthy, and long. Sometimes, relationships end for good reasons: for example, friends who grow apart or romantic partners who realize they are not right for each other. In other cases, these relationships initially seem to be going well, but one partner or friend is unhappy or unsatisfied. In this section, we will briefly address relationship dissolution.

In the United States during the COVID-19 pandemic and recent heightened political and social unrest, it has become more common for people to “unfriend,” dismiss, or disown former friends or family members with whom they disagree. Regardless of the reasons, it can be painful and lonely to lose a friend, family member, or romantic partner. Since many people name their significant other as their best friend or a close friend, a breakup or divorce is an especially difficult transition. When the relationship ends, an individual may feel depressed and lost, as normal routines get thrown off and other couples may not invite single people to gather with them for social get-togethers. These feelings can be especially strong with divorce, which may also lead to a sense of failure. With any relational breakup, It is helpful to communicate openly with the other person, in a kind and respectful manner. This helps in several ways, including supporting a healthy transition when children are involved and keeping good feelings about each other intact, so that future communication is possible and positive memories remain. Other reasons to communicate respectfully with a former partner include interacting with mutual friends, family, sharing custody of kids, and working through legal matters.

Healthy versus Unhealthy Coming Apart

If you have experienced a breakup, either from the perspective of a relationship partner or as a child of parents who divorced, you likely have a very personalized story about what happened and why. Even in the most well-meaning breakups, emotions run high. After marriage, when couples share children or property, breaking up gets more complicated. It can seem inevitable for couples to fight and say hurtful things to each other in the process of divorcing. Children are traumatized when they hear their parents attacking each other verbally and arguing over who will “get them” in the divorce. If couples are able to communicate without attacking each other, to work through a viable plan that works for both people (and the children), this is the healthiest approach.

Given the emotional upheaval and stressors that come with breaking up, it can be helpful to have someone mediate divorce conversations and agreements. Professional mediators, lawyers, and even therapists can work with couples and families to help them come to agreed-upon solutions for how to move forward. Children do better when they are not exposed to high conflict, which in some cases favors parents separating physically.

Grieving/Healing from Relationship Dissolution

Grief is a normal emotional state after a divorce or breakup. In many cases, romantic partners are also good friends, spend time sharing hobbies and meals, and enjoy visits to extended family. When these relationships end, the members of the former couple may experience a loss of happiness, friendship, shared experiences, and extended family. The additional stress of selling a home and/or moving, working through co-parenting, and renegotiating financial issues. Furthermore, there is a great deal of stress that comes with a breakup/divorce where the couple shares children, property, or pets. Research by Leopold and Kalmijn (2016) found that divorced parents with children suffer both a more intense decline in well-being, as well as more difficulty bouncing back to their pre-divorce levels of well-being when compared with divorced parents without children.

As with any form of grief or depression, people who experience sadness due to a breakup or divorce may benefit from therapy, socializing with others who care about them, and other forms of self-care. It is normal to grieve a relationship. At the same time, it is important to take care of physical, emotional, and mental health, to create a path toward healing.

When an individual dies and leaves a living partner behind, the grieving process may be more complicated. Complicated grief is a particularly debilitating phase of life that occurs for some survivors who lose a beloved partner. There is no "normal" limit for the grieving period, however if someone is unable to function after a year or more of grieving, it is recommended that they seek support through a mental health expert. Therapists regularly run grief groups, which are safe spaces for surviving partners to discuss the pain of their loss, and take steps together towards moving forward with their lives.