Introduction
In communication theory, the term noise refers to any factor that distorts meaning. When noise is present, the channels of communication start to close. Noise can be external (a lawn mower outside a classroom) or internal (the emotions of the sender or receiver, such as speech anxiety). To a large extent, skillful communication means reducing noise and keeping channels open.
Communication works best when each of us has plenty of time to receive what others
send and the opportunity to send a complete message when it’s our turn. Communication is a two-way street. When someone else talks, just listen. Then, switch roles so that you can be the sender for a while. Keep this up until you do a reasonably complete job of creating shared meaning.
In this lesson, you will learn strategies important to listening and speaking. Think about how you might find opportunities to practice these strategies.
Nonverbal Listening Skills
Effective listening calls for concentration and energy, but it’s worth the trouble. People love a good listener. The best salespeople, managers, coworkers, teachers, parents, and friends are the best listeners.
To listen well, begin from a clear intention. Choose to listen well. Once you’ve made this choice, practice your nonverbal listening skills to be even more effective.
Nonverbal Listening Skills
Be quiet. Allowing several seconds to pass before you begin to respond gives the speaker time to catch her breath and gather her thoughts. Someone who talks nonstop might fear she will lose the floor if she pauses.
If the message being sent is complete, this short break gives you time to form your response. If you make up a response before the speaker is finished, you might miss the end of her message, which is often the main point.
In some circumstances, pausing for several seconds might be inappropriate. Ignore this suggestion completely in situations where immediate action is usually necessary.
Maintain eye contact. Maintaining eye contact demonstrates your attentiveness and keeps your mind from wandering. However, this idea is not an absolute. Maintaining eye contact is valued more in some cultures than in others.
Display openness. You can display openness through your facial expression and body position. Uncross your arms and legs. Sit up straight. Face the other person, and remove any physical barriers between you.
Send acknowledgments. Words and nonverbal gestures of acknowledgment convey to the speaker that you are receiving his message. These words and gestures include “okay,” “yes,” and head nods.
Release distractions. Even when your intention is to listen, you might find your mind wandering. There’s a simple solution: Notice your wandering mind without judgment. Then, bring your attention back to the act of listening. Set up your immediate environment to release distractions. Turn off or silence your cell phone and other digital devices. Send the message that your intention is to listen.
Suspend judgments. As listeners, our goal is to fully receive another person’s message. This does not mean that we must agree with the message. Once you’re confident that you accurately understand a speaker’s point of view, you are free to agree or disagree with it. The key to effective listening is understanding before evaluating.
Verbal Listening Skills
In addition to your nonverbal listening skills, your verbal listening skills are important to consider as well. Imagine telling someone about a problem you are having and, in the middle of telling your story, he interrupts you and tells you his story or gives you advice. That is not what you needed from him at that moment. Part of effective communication is being an effective listener and knowing how to respond when someone else is speaking.
The following suggestions will help you improve your verbal listening skills:
Choose when to speak. When we listen to another person, we often interrupt with our own stories, opinions, suggestions, and comments. To avoid this kind of one-sided conversation, delay your verbal responses and wait for an appropriate moment to respond.
Feed back meaning. Sometimes, you can help a speaker clarify her message by paraphrasing it. This does not mean parroting what she says. Instead, briefly summarize. There will be no doubt when you get it right. The sender will say, “Yeah, that’s it.”
Notice verbal and nonverbal messages. Sometimes, a speaker’s body language seems to convey the opposite of his words. Keep in mind that the same nonverbal behavior can have various meanings across cultures. Someone who looks bored might simply be listening in a different way.
Listen for requests and intentions. An effective way to listen to complaints is to pay attention to the request hidden in them. The instructor talks too fast might be asking, What strategies can I use to take notes when the instructor covers material rapidly?
Viewing complaints as requests gives us more choices. We can decide whether to grant the request or help the person translate her own complaint into an action plan.
Allow emotion. In the presence of full listening, some people will share things that they feel deeply about. If you feel uncomfortable when this happens, try to accept the discomfort for a little while longer. Emotional release can bring relief and trigger unexpected insights.
Be careful with questions and advice. Questions can take conversations in a new direction, which may not be where the speaker wants to go. Ask questions only to clarify the speaker’s message. When it’s your turn to speak, you can introduce any topic that you want.
Also be cautious about giving advice. Unsolicited advice can be taken as condescending or even insulting. Skilled listeners do not assume that they know what’s best for someone else.
Take care of yourself. Be honest. Don’t pretend to listen. You can say, “What you’re telling me is important, but I’m pressed for time right now. Can we set aside another time to talk about this?”
Stay open to the adventure of listening. Listening fully, and opening yourself to how others see the world, means taking risks and challenging your own opinions.
Listening in an unguarded way can take your relationships to a new depth and level of honesty. This kind of listening can open up new possibilities for thinking, feeling, and behaving.
Choosing to Speak
Another important element to effective communication is using the right words when we choose to speak. We want to be clear in the message we are sending. Emotions, though, can get in the way of the message. Sometimes, we feel wonderful or rotten or sad or scared, and we want to express it. You can send almost any message through tears, laughter, fist pounding, or hugging, but sometimes words are better. Begin with a sincere intention to reach common ground with your listener and practice effective speaking skills.
Replace you messages with I messages. It can be difficult to disagree without the persons involved becoming angry or upset. When conflict occurs, we often make statements about the other person with you messages:
- “You are rude.”
- “You make me mad.”
- “You must be crazy.”
- “You don’t love me anymore.”
This kind of communication results in defensiveness. The responses to you messages might be similar to these:
- “I am not rude.”
- “I don’t care.”
- “No, you are crazy.”
- “No, you don’t love me!”
You messages are hard to listen to. They label, judge, blame, and assume things that may or may not be true. They demand rebuttal. Even praises can sometimes be considered ineffective you messages. They don’t work.
Psychologist Thomas Gordon (1975) suggests that, when communication is emotionally charged, you should limit your statements to descriptions about yourself. Replace you messages with I messages:
- “You are rude” might become “I feel upset.”
- “You make me mad” could be “I feel angry.”
- “You must be crazy” might be “I don’t understand.”
- “You don’t love me anymore” could become “I’m afraid we’re drifting apart.”
Suppose a friend asks you to pick him up at the airport. You drive 20 miles to the airport and wait for his plane to land. No friend. You guess he missed his flight, so you decide to wait 3 more hours for the next flight to arrive. Still no friend. Perplexed and worried, you drive home. The next day, you see your friend downtown.
- “What happened?” you ask.
- “Oh, I caught an earlier flight,” he says.
- “You are a rude person,” you reply.
Look for and talk about the facts—the observable behavior. Everyone will agree to the facts: your friend asked you to pick him up at the airport, he took an earlier flight, and you did not receive a call from him while you waited. But his being rude is not a fact—it’s your judgment.
He might explain, “I called your home, but no one answered. My mom had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital, so I caught the earliest flight I could get.” Your judgment no longer fits then.
When you saw your friend, you might have said, “I waited and waited at the airport. I was worried about you. I didn’t get a call. I feel angry and hurt. I don’t want to waste my time. Next time, I’ll be happy to pick you up, but call me on my cell phone when your flight arrives.”
I messages don’t judge, blame, criticize, or insult. They don’t invite the other person to counterattack with more of the same. They are more accurate. They report our own thoughts and feelings.
Remember that questions are not always questions. You’ve heard these “questions” before. A parent asks, “Don’t you want to look nice?” Translation: I wish you’d cut your hair, lose the blue jeans, and put on a tie. Or how about this question from a spouse: “Honey, wouldn’t you love to go to an exciting hockey game tonight?” Translation: I’ve already bought tickets.
We use questions that aren’t questions to sneak our opinions and requests into conversations.
For example,
- “Doesn’t it upset you?” means It upsets me.
- “Shouldn’t we hang the picture on this wall?” means I want to hang the picture on this wall.
Communication improves when we say directly, “I’m upset” or “Let’s hang the picture on this wall.”
Reference
Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Tested New Way to Raise Responsible Children. New York: New American Library, 1975.
