5: Exploring Sexuality

Sexual Scripts

A script is a blueprint for what we “should do” in our roles. Sexual Scripts are blueprints and guidelines for what we define as our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and the sexual component of our self-definition. All of us are sexual beings, yet none of us is exactly identical to another in our sexual definitions and script expectations. Having said that, keep in mind we are not just born with sexual scripts in place. Sexual scripts are learned. Sexual socialization is the process by which we learn how, when, where, with whom, why, and with which motivations we are sexual beings.

We are all born with drives which are biological needs that demand our attention and behavioral responses to them. The most powerful drives are circulation, breathing, voiding our urine and other waste, eating, drinking, sleeping, and sexual involvement. Sexual drives are biological urges to participate in sexual activity in certain sexual roles.

Sexual scripts, once learned, will shape how that drive is answered. Sexuality is learned via culture and socialization. There are as many unique sexual scripts as there are people, yet some of these scripts have common themes and can be viewed as a collective pattern or trend in the larger social level.

Many of us learn our sexual scripts in a passive way. In other words, we don't learn from experience, but from a synthesis of concepts, images, ideals, and sometimes misconceptions. For example, the commonly held belief that men and women are two different creatures, perhaps from different planets was a very successful fad in recent years that led an entire generation to believe that men might be from “Mars” while women might be from “Venus” (John Grey, various self help books).

Traditional Sexual Scripts and Double Standard

Some traditional sexual scripts that have been studied and have found to include a number of problematic assumptions including: the man must be in charge, the woman must not enjoy (or let on that she enjoys) the sexual experience, the man is a performer whose skills are proven effective upon arrival of his partner's orgasm, men are sexual while women are not, women can't talk about it and turn to men for sexual interests and direction, and finally sex always leads to intercourse and a female orgasm (her orgasm being proof of his sexual capacity).

Sexual behaviors and attitude vary from culture to culture. While examining sex as a social fact, whether or not we are actually born with a sexual nature, sociologists acknowledge it’s social factors organizing our thoughts, behaviors, values, and acts pertaining to sex. Sexuality has become such a significant part of our social lives that it has actually come to be interpreted as identity. Today, many people take for granted that sexuality is, like gender, an identity. Individuals don’t just identify ourselves, but we identify others in terms of sexuality as well. And it doesn’t stop there! We have become preoccupied with our own and others’ identities because many of us view our own sexuality as a core of our identity. And we’re still not done! We often associate and even interchange our gender identities with our sexual identities, making it even more confusing for those trying to understand the human potential in categorical terms rather than in fluid terms.

Sexuality, like gender, is fluid. To try to categorize a human potential like sexuality is like trying to categorize human potentials like happiness. Could you imagine if we grouped people and their potentials by color of their skin? Oh, wait! We do that too! We create the categories because we’re comfortable with the categories, but it’s the categories themselves that allow for stratification and inequality between the categories.

Our sexuality will take on different forms and degrees of significance over the life course. Furthermore, men and women do not experience sexuality or even sexual behaviors the same way. Women are often challenged with two major themes pertaining to sexuality: 1) the double standard, and 2) the double- bind.

American contemporary society still dictates that females and males are held to difference (and unequal) standards pertaining to sexual practice. According to the sexual double standard, “boys and men are rewarded and praised for heterosexual sexual contacts, whereas girls and women are derogated and stigmatized for similar behaviors.”¹²⁴

Try something for a moment. Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the center of the page, creating two columns. Label the first column “men” and the second column “women.” Then in 20 seconds write down every word, label, or slang term used to describe males with multiple sexual partners in the “men’s” column. Then go to the women’s column and give yourself 20 seconds to do the same. What do you see? Nearly every person who tries this exercise will have several more terms in women’s column, and not in a positive way. He’s a stud, but she’s a slut, right? And this is not to imply you think this way, after all you didn’t create those terms. But it shows our ability to mimic, translate, or at least identify the interpretations of the larger collective.

The relevance of this double standard for sexual development and gender inequality has prompted substantial research on the topic along with the publication of several popular books with titles such as Slut!¹²⁵ and Fast Girls¹²⁶. Aside from the sociological implications of the sexual double standard, the slut/stud problem has always been my favorite because I can’t understand how so many people have bought into this. And for so long! Why is a woman “a slut” or "dirty," because she has sex? Does a penis have some bizarre dirty-making power that I'm unaware of? Every time a woman has sex with a man, has his penis dirtied her more? And what is a slut? I mean, literally, what is a slut? I know what the dictionary says (yes, it’s in Webster’s Dictionary):

Slut:

1. a slovenly woman
2. a promiscuous woman; especially : prostitute
   1. a saucy girl : minx

But, really, what s a slut? Do we have a quantifiable amount of people with whom the harlot must have intercourse? No. Do we have a comprehensive list of sexual behaviors a woman must engage in before being labeled a slut? No. Does a woman even need to have sex before becoming vulnerable to being labeled a slut? No. But we use this word constantly to degrade and shame women about their sexual behaviors and their selves. And let’s be clear on a few other points:

1. this is not a “man-on-woman” crime, overwhelmingly women are more likely to use the word slut than men when referring to a female;
2. the word slut is typically reserved for heterosexual behaviors, (and this ideology still evades my comprehension) females engaging in sexual behaviors with other females are less likely to be labeled a slut.

Maybe lesbian sex isn’t “real”? Or maybe because there was no dirty penis to dirty her up? I mean, think about it, if women engaging in homosexual behaviors are somehow less dirty than women engaging heterosexual behaviors, then that leaves the penis as the variable causing the dirtiness. Who knows, the point is we need to start questioning these labels and acknowledge the harm they cause, not only to the recipients, but to our collective understanding of gender and sexuality.

And the word slut isn’t just harmful to our reputations or interpretations of others’ reputations. How many times has a woman’s claim of having been raped been dismissed because she’s a slut? How often are women or girls afraid to obtain birth control for fear of being called a slut? How often are women who are victims of domestic violence are called a slut or whore by their partner? How often are women expected to recount their sexual history in rape, assault, or harassment cases?

Activists such as Jean Kilbourne and Jackson Katz have proclaimed, it’s okay to stand up for women, whether you are male, female, both, or neither. And it’s okay to speak out against the double-standard imposed on women.

Contemporary Sexual Scripts

Numerous studies have shown that most of these traditional scripts are not: realistic, healthy, conducive to open communication, nor negotiation of sexual needs and desires for couples. In sum, these traditional notions can be an undermining influence in a couple's intimacy. More contemporary sexual scripts include these simple ideas that:

1. both partners need to learn to take ownership of the couple's sexual experiences
2. both partners need to learn to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings
3. both partners need to learn to meet one another's: desires, needs, and wishes while making sure that their own needs are being met

Sexuality is important to us because it represents an activity that is a rite of passage into adulthood, because it is very pleasurable, and because it reinforces our roles and aspirations as males and females. Yet, sexuality is truly a passive part of our daily lives.

Double Bind

A double bind is a situation in which a person is confronted with two irreconcilable demands or a choice between two undesirable courses of action. “Women have long since been categorized as either virgins or whores, but for the first time we are expected to embody both at the same time.”¹²⁷ Turn on the TV or open a magazine, and you’ll see endless images of women using their sexuality to sell something.

In ads for sandwiches, drinks, cars, clothes, or whatever, there has been a standard set for how women should present themselves as being sexually desirable and mature. However, with this whole double standard thing still looming, women are still expected to be sexually reserved in order to maintain purity. So, women are then faced with the challenge of being sexually available and experienced while maintaining purity. Sound impossible? Because it is. But, it is a reality for women today.

The contradictory narratives of the double bind make an impossible situation for females in the United States. If having sex is bad and not having sex is bad, then women are in a lose-lose position. And men, of course, are not exempt from this inequity. Men are often shamed for not having sex (or enough of it) while others may shame the women they are having intercourse with—at least for those engaging in heterosexual activities.

If we can undo our thinking of intercourse as the social jackpot (as often shown in popular culture) and start considering other methods of expressing sexuality, we could see a healthy attitudinal shift toward sex pervading the culture: one that doesn't hurt both men and women in its antiquated rigidity.

Autonomous Sexuality

Most sociologists agree that, yes, sexuality can be empowering for women, but there are some requisites that need to be met. First, women would need to be able to dismantle their thinking that their worth is based on the ability to abide by the socially constructed double standard or double bind. For now, men (at least heterosexual men) are the social beneficiaries of the double standard, wherein men are not judged so harshly for sexual activity, rather they are often celebrated and encouraged to engage in sexual activity. Second, women (and men) can challenge the Western ideal for marriage being a prerequisite for “the right way” to be sexually active. Third, being in an egalitarian relationship, wherein partners are intentionally and regularly maintaining equity in a relationship, is empowering for both partners. Egalitarian relationships tend to be better at providing romance and respect between partners over longer periods of time.

Much like the majority of socially normative behaviors, our sexual behaviors are constantly under scrutiny. As social actors, we are subject to a range of potential sanctions, both positive and negative, in response to our sexual behaviors. These sanctions, or the fear of such sanctions, are what stand in the way of real social change. Our social construction of sexuality and the inequalities bred from such construction, will not change without some serious social education and confrontation of current ignorant ideas surrounding sexual creed.