6.1: Introduction to Listening

Listening: The Heart of Effective Communication

As Jamal was watching Monday night football, his partner needed to discuss their upcoming vacation to Cancun. Shenise had a list of questions for him. During what she perceived to be a pause in the action, she approached him with three questions: "Is flying in the evening fine with you? Do you care if we pay for one extra bag? Can we pay for our seats in advance to make sure we sit together?" Jamal’s answers were, in order, “sure, no, yeah.” Given the brevity of his responses, Shenise had this feeling that he really wasn’t listening to her. So she went up to ask him one last question: “Jamal, do you care if I hit on some other guys while we are there?” Jamal’s response was, “no problem.” This is when Shenise went and stood in front of the television screen, at which point Jamal said angrily, “What are you doing? I’m trying to watch the game!” Chances are pretty high you have experienced or observed a scenario like this. We are susceptible to not giving others our full attention when they are speaking.

As a communication act, listening is often underestimated when compared with other forms of communication. Although all communication skills are important for success in life and relationships, listening is at the heart of effective relational communication. In this chapter we explain the listening process, stages of listening, functions of listening, styles of listening, barriers and pitfalls to effective listening, and how to become a better listener. Our goal is to help you become the best listener you can be in all relationships and in all contexts.

The Importance of Listening

Listening may seem like a natural skill, but there is much more to this communicative act than it appears on the surface. To help you improve your own listening skills, you must have a better understanding of why listening is so important and what is involved in the listening process.

One of our authors shares this example:

When my daughter was 5 years old she came up to me one day as I was working on my computer. As someone who professed to be an efficient multitasker, I acknowledged what she was saying with a series of head nods and “uh huh’s.” She said, "Mommy, are you listening to me?" and I responded affirmatively with “yes.” She grabbed my face and said, "I know you can hear me, but you are not listening." I felt awful because she was absolutely correct. I was too focused on my computer to give her my full attention, thinking that my head nods conveyed I was listening. Yet my daughter was not feeling heard. As a result, I realized how important it is to fully listen to my daughter, so she does not feel dismissed, unseen, or unappreciated.

Even as communication scholars, we experience difficulties with listening. In fact, listening is considered the most challenging area of communication in general. As communicators we spend a lot of time thinking about what we want to say and the best way to say it. As a result, there is less time spent on the listening process. Graham Bodie et al., (2020), as cited by McCornack, states that “As adults, we spend more time listening than we do in any other type of communication activity: research suggests as much as two-thirds of our communication time is spent listening” (McCornack, 2018, p. 177). If we consider the length of an average waking day as being 16 hours, we could assume that almost 11 hours a day is spent listening. In exploring how college students engage in listening, research reveals that

Listening comprises 55.4% of the total average communication day followed by reading (17.1%), speaking (16.1%), and writing (11.4%). Each of these communication behaviors includes some aspect of internet use. College students spend as much time listening to media as they do engaged in interpersonal interaction. (Emanuel et al., 2008)

Research exploring the lives of college students shows that they spend about 45–55% of their day listening (Barker et al.,1981; Emanuel et al., 2008). In the Journal of Business Communication, Keyton et al. (2013) stated that “listening” was the most prominent communication skill observed by adults in their place of employment. Whether you are listening in class, at work, or to friends, this form of communication takes up much of our day. Listening allows us to learn new information, connect with others, and learn about ourselves, but we are not born with this skill. As you read this chapter you will gain insight into the complexities of the listening process and be able to identify your own listening styles and challenges. Becoming a better listener will allow you to be a more productive student, a better relational partner, and a more successful professional.

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): Disabled and Here By Chona Kasinger is licensed CC-BY 4.0

​​The Listening Process

If you are like many people, you may have gotten the word listening and hearing confused. We may ask someone, “Did you hear me?” when in reality what we really mean is “Were you listening to me?” Hearing is the physiological process of taking in sound. Whether you hear a thunderstorm or music, when sound waves hit your ears, your brain enables you to make sense of what you heard. It is one of the senses humans may have, but the ability to hear does not mean you listen well. Listening is a more complex process that is learned. Listening is an active process where we make sense of, interpret, and respond to the messages we receive. Without mindfulness, effective listening cannot occur. Mindfulness refers to being present in the moment, with increased awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and communication behaviors. Think of mindfulness as being the center of the listening process. As you go through the stages of listening, mindfulness should be at the heart of each stage. Although listening may seem like it should be a fairly simple process, there are several steps. Just as you learned these steps occur so rapidly that we may not even realize we are doing them.