9.3: Conflict Goals and Outcomes
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Conflict Goals
Have you ever been in a conflict or disagreement that ended up feeling like an extended game of tug-o-war? When we experience conflict, it can feel like each person is pulling in a different direction related to our own needs and goals. When we experience conflict in our relationships, the strife is generally related to one of four goals: content, relational, identity, and process. Identifying the underlying source of your conflict can help you understand your own needs as well as help you empathize with others.
Now that you have a better understanding of factors that shape interpersonal conflict, let’s take a look at common sources of conflict.
Content Goals
Content or topic goals refer to what we want and need for both our day-to-day and long-term life. These goals tend to feel tangible and concrete, and they can center on issues such as how we spend our money and our time, as well as how we live day-to-day. For example, Julie was really upset with her husband, Todd, because of how he squeezed the toothpaste out of the tube. She liked to squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube and her husband squeezed the tube where he grabbed it. This one little conflict turned into a major battle of wills and revealed deeper relational and identity issues.
Relational Goals
Relational goals refer to our preferences for what we would like our relationships to be like. Relational goals center on issues like who we are to each other, what is the power distribution in the relationship, and what our future looks like. Relational goals can become a source of conflict when people have different expectations about the relationship or there is uncertainty about the relationship. For example, the digital world has created many new terms and acronyms for dating and relationships. DTR means “define the relationship.” When individuals use this term, it means that they would like to have a conversation about the direction of their relationship. Are we just friends, are we FWB (friends with benefits), or are we a couple? Negotiating who we are to each other can become a major source of conflict in interpersonal interactions.
Identity Goals
Identity goals refer to the image we would like to present to the world. Conflict over identity goals can occur when our public image is threatened and when we do not feel valued in an interaction, relationship, or specific setting. To illustrate, consider Emma’s personal story.
When I was 20 years old, I fell in love with a woman for the first time. Mia, my girlfriend, was so much more confident than me and already proudly out with her family and friends. She encouraged me to tell my family, but honestly, I was scared. My mom is deeply religious, and my father said more than once he would never walk his daughters down the aisle unless it was to marry a man. I wanted Mia and my family to love me for who I am, but I was not ready to come out to my family. I felt like I was either going to lose Mia or be dropped by my family. When I finally came out to my family, I had the love and support of my mom and sisters. My dad first threatened me to get over it or move out, but thankfully my mom stepped helped smooth things over (Emma, student, age 25).
As we consider Emma’s example, we can see that how we identify ourselves and how we are perceived by our loved ones can be a source of conflict. In addition to being a common source of family conflict, identity conflicts can also occur with friends, at school, and at work.
Process Goals
Process goals refer to our ideas about how we should communicate about and resolve conflicts. For example, some people believe that it is best to not go to bed angry, but others may believe that if you sleep on it, you will feel better in the morning. In addition to trying to solve conflicts, people in these situations also need to negotiate the best time to try and resolve issues. Process goals can have deeper cultural and social meanings that shape our perceptions of appropriate conflict management. Some cultures may rely on authority rule, while other cultures place value on equal participation. For example, while the US government has been characterized by division and animosity, Native American tribal governments are communal and based on reaching consensus with their membership (Alvarez, 2011).
If you find yourself struggling repeatedly with conflict over the same topic goals, a deeper relational or identity issue is likely at hand. Take the example of the conflict over squeezing the toothpaste tube. On the surface, how one squeezes toothpaste out of the tube seems like a small topic issue. However, the repeated struggles over the toothpaste may indicate that the couple might be engaged in a power struggle (relational goal) or need for validation in the relationship (identity goal).
Now that you understand common sources of conflict, let’s turn our attention to three possible conflict outcomes.
Conflict Outcomes
In most professional sporting events in the United States, we celebrate winners and do what we can to not be a loser. This approach to conflict can translate into our relationships when we attempt to “win at all costs." Conversely, in the Japanese Professional Baseball League games can end in a tie. A tie is considered almost as good as a win and will not hurt a team’s record. These different approaches to winning help illustrate different outcomes to conflict. Conflict outcomes refer to the possible ways a conflict is solved and how the people involved perceive the results. Game Theory uses the metaphor of winning and losing games to help show distinct ways conflict can be resolved (Spangler, 2003). According to Game Theory, when we negotiate conflict there are three potential outcomes: win-win, win-lose, and lose-lose. Understanding the different conflict outcomes can help you to recognize some of your own conflict patterns and give you insight into how you may approach conflict in the future.
- Win-win: A win-win outcome occurs when both parties in the conflict are satisfied with the outcome. The win-win approach to conflict usually involves collaboration and problem-solving, in combination with assertive, honest communication.
- Win-lose: A win-lose outcome occurs when one party in the conflict gets what they want, and the other party is left to feel they were defeated. This approach to conflict is characterized by competition or a belief that only one side in the conflict can win. While win-lose is appropriate in some situations, the disadvantage to this approach is that if one party in a relationship is always on the losing end, they can become discouraged and dissatisfied in their relationship.
- Lose-Lose: A lose-lose outcome occurs when neither party achieves their goals or both parties are unhappy with the conflict outcome. Many examples can be considered lose-lose, such as an employee quitting a job they love, with employers who appreciate them, because they can’t resolve the person's work-from-home request, or a couple who love each other very much but break up because they can’t agree on a timeline for their future. Clearly, these outcomes do not sound ideal (Barwick-Snell & Walker, 2017).
To better understand conflict outcomes, consider the case of Maya, a recent graduate of the California State University system. Before graduation, Maya submitted applications to several different companies. She was thrilled when she was offered her dream job at a gaming company. However, when she sat down to discuss the details with Human Resources, she was offered a lower position with less pay than originally promised. What would you do if you found yourself in a comparable situation? Would you reject the job altogether, feeling like it was a case of bait and switch? This would be a lose-lose outcome, because Maya would lose out on her dream job and the company would lose a talented employee. Would you accept the company’s terms and ask how to move up quickly into the promised position? This would create a win-lose outcome, where Maya would lose out on what the company originally promised, and the company would get a short-term win by saving money. Would you make a counteroffer to the company, reminding them of the position and salary that was originally offered? In this case, Maya made a counteroffer that was accepted by the company, leading to a win-win outcome.
There is not one conflict outcome that will suit all situations. Conflict outcomes depend on the topic, the situation, and the people involved. It is important to consider how much you value the relationship and what is at stake with the conflict. Is it a lifelong relationship? A professional relationship? Casual? Often figuring out how much you value the relationship will inform the conflict outcome. Your style of conflict management can also shape the conflict outcome.
How we negotiate or bring closure to conflicts is a function of one’s conflict management style. This next section speaks to five different approaches to managing conflict.