9.4: Conflict Management Style

Five Approaches to Conflict Management

Conflict management is the process of trying to find effective strategies to minimize and solve problems associated with different conflict goals. When we look at how we negotiate the conflict in our relationships, we find that typical patterns of communication occur. Your personal style of conflict management style is shaped by a variety of factors, such as your gender, age, culture, personality, family communication patterns, and goals for the situation. Furthermore, your conflict management style is a mix of factors, such as your nonverbal signals (eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice), the verbal message you use, and your focus on concern for yourself versus concern for the other party.

Your concern for yourself versus your concern for the other person will shape how you approach a conflict, the strategies you use to negotiate, and the outcome you desire (win-win, etc.). Concern for self refers to the degree to which you try to meet your own needs and goals in a conflict situation. Concern for others refers to the degree to which you try to meet the needs of the other person in the conflict. For example, take Tony, a manager at a large retail store in the mall. He displays high concern for others when making the weekly schedule, respecting his employees' school schedules and family lives. His counterpart, Alyssa, demonstrates high concern for herself in demanding that employees miss school and family events to give herself the best schedule. Various combinations of concern for self versus concern for others result in five conflict management styles, including integrating, obliging, dominating, avoiding, and compromising (Rahim, 2000). In this section, we examine five approaches to conflict management. Take some time to reflect on your approach to conflict and see if you can identify your style.

Integrating

If you display high concern for your own needs, while at the same time honoring the needs of others, you may prefer the integrating style of conflict management (Rahim, 1983a). For example, when Sophia and AJ experience a conflict, they tend to view it as an opportunity to understand each other better, and they sit down and try to tackle the issue together. Integrating, also known as collaborating (see Kilman & Thomas, 1977), consists of problem-solving, open communication, open confrontation of conflict, assertiveness, and cooperation (Rahim, 2010). Integrating may be the best approach for resolving conflict when two people who live or work closely together need to solve a problem (such as agreement on how to raise children), when buy-in is needed from the other person (such as a couple agreeing on a car purchase), for long-term planning (such as planning to have children), and when dealing with strategies for solving problems. Although research has shown that an integrating approach to conflict is associated with satisfying relationships, it may not be appropriate when dealing with small issues, when quick decisions are needed, when people do not care about the outcomes, and when people lack problem-solving training (Rahim, 2010). If you try to solve every problem with an integrating approach, you may find yourself and the other party exhausted by the constant emphasis on conflict.

Obliging

Do you ever find yourself sacrificing your needs to make someone else happy or to keep the peace in the relationship? Take, for example, Naomi, who has many friends and is considered easy to get along with. She often finds herself going along with the wishes of others, whether it’s her parents or her close friends. This is known as the obliging or accommodating style of conflict management, which consists of high concern for others and low concern for self (Rahim, 1983a). We use an obliging approach for a variety of reasons, including that we don’t find the conflict to be important, we want to keep harmony in the relationship, or we lack the assertive communication skills to advocate for our own needs. Obliging can be an appropriate response to conflict when the conflict is more important to the other person, when you are willing to make a sacrifice now in return for something later, when you have less power in the relationship, or when you are clearly wrong (Rahim, 2001). Obliging can be beneficial to keeping the peace. An interesting study looked at how members in a university medical department resolved their conflicts and found that an obliging style was related to low levels of workplace stress and low levels of perceived conflict (Friedman et al., 2000).

Dominating

Have you ever met someone who needs to always be right? They might be exhibiting the dominating style of conflict management, which occurs when we focus on our own needs at the expense of others (Rahim, 1983a). For example, Bella’s friend Damien loves to debate every little topic, from climate change to the best local fast-food burger joint, and he will not let the conversation drop until Bella gives in. This approach is competitive in nature, with a win-lose orientation to conflict. People who practice a dominating approach may ignore the needs of others, be inflexible, try to win at all costs, and use their position of power to impose their will upon others (Rahim et al., 2000). There are times in life when we may need to use a dominating style of conflict management, such as when the outcome to the conflict might be harmful to you, or if you are involved in an inherently competitive situation, such as a job interview where only one person can get the job. Regular use of a dominating approach to a conflict may be harmful to interpersonal relationships in that it may lead the losing party to feel unhappy in the relationship.

Avoiding

Have you ever been in a situation when you chose not to deal with a conflict? This is known as an avoiding approach to conflict, which consists of physical and emotional evasion of topics, situations, and people that evoke conflict. For example, Delaney is angry with her two closest friends. Rather than dealing with it, she blocked them on all her social media accounts. This approach consists of a low concern for self and low concern for others, and is sometimes viewed negatively in US culture. However, other cultures might not view avoidance negatively, as this approach may be used to preserve harmony in relationships and contribute to maintaining long-term relationships (Ting-Toomey, 1988). This approach to a conflict may be appropriate if the issue is of little importance to you, if you or the other person need time to cool off, or if the disadvantages outweigh the benefits of confrontation (Rahim, 2001). Avoidance is not appropriate when quick action is needed on your part, when decision making is required, or when parties are “unwilling to wait” (Rahim, 2010, p. 54)

Compromising

In US culture, many of us have been taught to solve our problems by compromising, sharing, or splitting the difference. For example, Javier and Jeff tend to argue over what movie they would like to see; rather than battling it out each week, they have decided to take turns choosing the movie of the week. This means that every other week Javier must see a movie that he would not have chosen on his own. The compromising style of conflict management consists of medium concern for self and medium concern for others. This approach involves finding a middle ground in the conflict situation. Compromising can be effective when you and the other person have equal power, when you need a quick and temporary solution, when you can’t reach a consensus, and when your conflict goals are mutually exclusive. Although compromising may have many benefits for finding quick solutions, it is not always perfect. Ongoing use of compromising can lead you to feel like your needs are not being met. Furthermore, compromise can be ineffective when there are power imbalances (such as a boss and employee) problems are complex (such as deciding how to pay for college), long-term solutions are needed, or when dealing with value conflicts (such as values of family, commitment, and trust) (Rahim, 2001).

Understanding your conflict management styles can provide insight on how to improve conflict encounters (Conerly & Tripathi, 2004). No one style is better than others, rather we should consider adjusting our style based on our goals, the other person in the conflict, and the needs of the situation. It is important to be aware that styles can be perceived differently (Gross & Guerrero, 2000). There are divergent cultural expectations of conflict, and you may be perceived differently based on your gender, age, race, and situation. For example, there are other cultural variations when it comes to preference for conflict styles, such as emotionally expressive responses, seeking out third parties, or using a passive-aggressive approach to sidestep direct confrontation of the conflict (Ting-Toomey & Oetzel, 2001). A study of 200 college students working in teams found that the students perceived integrating as the most effective and avoiding as an ineffective and inappropriate response to conflict. Within marriages, satisfied couples report using integrating, compromising, and obliging styles, and less satisfied couples report using dominating and avoiding styles of conflict management (Rahim et al., 2004).

Having an understanding of your conflict management style, as well as the approach used by people in your life, can help you navigate what can sometimes be a frustrating experience. In addition to understanding your conflict management style, it is important to understand responses to conflict that can aggravate the conflict, or worse, lead to the dissolution of the relationship. In the next section, you will learn about the “Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse” and common unproductive conflict behaviors.

What Is Your Preferred Style of Conflict Management?

Now that you have reviewed the different styles of conflict management, it is time to reflect on your own approach to resolving conflict. Below are five situations involving common relationship conflicts. For each scenario, read the five actions and choose the response that is closest to the way you would like to respond if you were in a similar situation. Your answer should reflect what you think you would do, not what you think you should do. Keep track of your choices for each item.

Scenario 1: Divorce Dilemma

You are a single parent. Ever since the divorce, you have been trying to better connect with your teenage son, Tamer. You’ve noticed that they have been a bit distant and have been lying to you about where and who they’ve been hanging out with. You text Tamer that you’d like to talk over the weekend about their recent behaviors. You look at your phone and the text indicates “read,” yet Tamer doesn’t text you back nor bring up the text to you when you see them the next day. How do you respond?

1. Skip the conversation; you don't want to ruin the weekend.
2. Gently suggest to Tamer that you would appreciate it if they responded to your text messages.
3. Tell Tamer that as the parent you are responsible for their well-being. Insist that they explain their recent lying and failure to respond to texts or you will take away their phone.
4. Propose a middle ground such that if Tamer will agree to respond to your texts quickly, you will agree to give them more freedom in how they spend their time.
5. Try to empathize and understand how Tamer is feeling, and then propose that you develop some guidelines together for family communication.

Scenario 2: Social Media

Your best friend has a habit of posting unflattering pictures of you on their social media account. You have asked them to stop but the problem has continued. If you let them know an image bothers you, they are quick to remove it. Your friend has now posted a picture that you find embarrassing and you want this practice to stop. How do you respond?

1. Say nothing and suffer in silence. They haven’t stopped and you doubt they ever will.
2. Try to get over it and not be so self-conscious.
3. Threaten your friend that if they don’t stop you will start posting embarrassing pictures of them.
4. Try to find a middle ground and ask your friend to agree that you will both share pictures with each other before posting.
5. Wait until a suitable time to sit down with your friend and talk about the situation. Listen to their side of the story and then disclose how this is making you feel. Work towards a solid solution you can both agree with.

Scenario 3: Money Matters

Your closest friend always seems to be short of cash. Recently, their dog got sick and as a result of the vet bills they asked you to spot them $50 so they could pay for their gas. They promised to pay you back on Friday, but a week later they still have not paid you. How do you respond?

1. Put off talking about it. It just doesn’t seem like a good time.
2. Let it go since your friendship is worth more to you than $50.
3. Threaten your friend that if they do not pay you back you are going to cut off the relationship.
4. Instead of paying you back, ask them to complete some repairs around your house in exchange.
5. Sit down and talk to your friend. Try to understand the problem, then propose a repayment plan.

Scenario 4: Helicopter Parent

Your parents have been extremely hands-on and supportive throughout your childhood, coaching sports, volunteering in your classes, and helping you prepare for college. Now that you have entered college, your parents are insisting on choosing your major and it is a field you are not interested in. Your parents have told you that if you do not major in their chosen field, they will not pay for your college expenses. How do you respond?

1. Do nothing. You are afraid of your parents' response.
2. Accept your parent's decision, as they are paying for your college expenses and you want to make them happy.
3. Tell your parents that they are being unreasonable. If that is how they feel, you will move out and pay for your own education.
4. Propose taking a class in each field and then reporting back to your parents.
5. Listen to your parents to try and understand their point of view, and then share with them the career opportunities for your major to see if you can reach an agreement.

Scenario 5: Holiday Drama

You and your significant other are looking forward to celebrating the holidays together—until you realize that both your families celebrate on the same day and at the same time. This conflict is creating a lot of frustration for you and your partner. How do you respond?

1. Say nothing and celebrate with your family. It's not worth the trouble at this time to change.
2. Agree to spend the holidays with your partner’s family. It seems like your partner cares more about the issue than you do.
3. Demand that if your partner really cares about you and your future together, they will make the effort to spend this holiday with your family.
4. Propose that you and your partner spend half of the day with your family and half of the day with their family.
5. Set aside a good time to talk and empathize with your partner. Discuss developing a plan for how and where you will spend the holidays together.

Scenario 6: Extroverts and Introverts

Your significant other likes to go out to clubs and parties, and have friends over, but you are much more introverted. You would rather stay in, study for school, play video games, or watch movies. One day your partner tells you that they feel like they are missing out on their social life and they want to talk about how you spend time together. You are afraid they will break up with you. How do you respond?

1. Avoid your partner so you don’t have to deal with the problem in the middle of the semester.
2. Give in and agree to start going to parties and clubs to keep them happy.
3. Tell your partner they are being selfish for trying to change you and refuse to socialize with their friends.
4. Agree to start going out more if your partner is also willing to learn about your favorite video game.
5. Ask your partner to talk to see if you can work together to make some adjustments and find some activities outside of the house that you can enjoy together.

Results

Tally up the number of As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and Es you selected. Your answers indicate your preference for managing conflict.

• Majority of A answers: indicates a preference for avoidance
• Majority of B answers: indicates a preference for obliging
• Majority of C answers: indicates a preference for competition
• Majority of D answers: indicates a preference for compromising
• Majority of E answers: indicates a preference for integrating
• Mixed answers: If you have a tie or two close scores, it may indicate that you are skilled in more than one style and adapt based on the needs of the situation.

Discussion and Reflection

As we can see from these scenarios, there are many different ways to respond to conflict. Having an understanding of your own and others’ conflict styles can help you choose the best approach to achieving peaceful and meaningful conflict resolution. Take a moment to reflect on your conflict preferences.

1. What are the potential strengths of your style preference?
2. What are the potential weaknesses of your style preference?
3. Explain which of the five styles you would like to work on developing.

Conflict Management Scenarios by Angela Hoppe-Nagao and Eric Alan Weidner (2022). CC BY 4.0.