9.6: Conflict Resolution

Using Conflict as an Opportunity

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): This fortune says, “The purpose of argument should not be victory, but progress.”

The Purpose of Argument is Progress by Jon Collier from Flickr CC BY-SA 2.0

As we have learned so far, interpersonal conflict can be a complicated, emotional, and frustrating experience. It is equally important to recognize that conflict is normal and can be an opportunity to bring people together. Thankfully, there are several helpful communication strategies available to you for conflict resolution. In this section, you will review communication skills that help promote peaceful conflict resolution, learn a model of conflict resolution, and learn about alternative options for conflict management.

Communication Skills for Effective Conflict Resolution

As previously noted, communication and conflict are closely woven together. Thus, communication behaviors can both serve as a source of conflict and as the key to resolving interpersonal conflict. Throughout this text, you have learned a variety of interpersonal communication skills that will come in handy when trying to resolve conflict. This section will provide an overview of key communication skills for effective conflict resolution and provide additional tips to help in the process.

Mindfulness

Approach conflict with mindfulness. Mindfulness refers to being present in the moment, with increased awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and communication behaviors. To approach conflict mindfully, consider your conflict opening, including your tone of voice and tone of the message. For example, Liana is aware that she is an assertive communicator who at times can be very passionate about her views. When addressing conflicts with her friends or family she makes a conscious effort to use a considerate tone and to find the right words to start the discussion. A gentle start to the conflict can help make the other person more willing to listen.

Perception Checking

When negotiating conflict, it is important to understand the source of the conflict and the perspective of the other parties. Take the time to check your perceptions about the cause of the conflict and how the other person is feeling.

Being Unconditionally Constructive

Regardless of the approach used by the other party in the conflict, commit to being unconditionally constructive, which means adhering to the principles of ethical communication by honoring yourself, the other person, and the relationship, and not engaging in communication behaviors that will harm the other party or the relationship. We cannot change how others will respond to us, but we can choose to control our own communication behaviors (Fisher et al., 2011).

The 5 to 1 Rule

People in satisfying and stable relationships share more positive than negative messages about their relationships and each other. Even during an argument, it is worthwhile to take the time to appreciate the other person. This phenomenon, which is called the 5 to 1 Rule, is particularly important when trying to resolve conflicts (Gottman, 1994). To practice the 5 to 1 Rule, include positive communication behaviors such as empathy, making respectful jokes, expressing appreciation for the other person (even for trivial things like taking out the trash), apologizing, trying to find areas of agreement, expressing both physical and verbal affection, and demonstrating that you are interested in the other person.

Bracketing

This refers to breaking down the conflict into smaller and more manageable parts. Sometimes during a conflict, individuals will bring a large variety of topics to the table, including old issues. It can be helpful to say “What is the most pressing issue for you (or us) right now? We can deal with the other issues, but let’s try to focus on one right now.” Separating conflict issues into smaller parts increases the chances of successfully resolving problems.

Active Listening

Family therapists stress that active listening is one of the most important communication skills to use to promote harmonious relationships and to help manage conflicts. When you find yourself in a conflict situation, whenever possible, be the first to listen by encouraging the other party to speak and then take time to paraphrase their messages. This helps to slow the pace of conflicts and encourages mutual understanding. Now, in some situations, you may find yourself initiating a discussion of the conflict. If that is the case, you will likely speak first, and then request feedback from the other party.

Assertiveness

In terms of conflict management, being assertive with our communication helps us stand up for ourselves while at the same time respecting the needs of the other person. If you decide to address a conflict with another party, review tips for assertive communication, such as relying on communication that is respectful, honest, and maintains a focus on the needs of both parties.

Empathy

To take a collaborative approach to conflict, actively try to put yourself in the other party's position to understand the conflict from their point of view. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? Empathy is essential to achieving a collaborative outcome to the conflict. Taking the time to verbally express that you empathize with the other person can encourage them to also empathize with you, building a connection that may help lead to resolution.

Emotional Intelligence

This is a key component of successful conflict negotiation. When preparing to engage in conflict, check in with your emotional intelligence. How are you and the other party feeling emotionally and physically? Is it the right time to discuss a conflict? Are you able to empathize with the other party? Are you in control of your communication behavior? Practicing emotional intelligence while engaging in conflict resolution will contribute to maintaining and strengthening the relationship rather than solely focusing on winning the argument.

You have now reviewed several communication tools that can help you improve your conflict negotiation experiences. In the next section, let’s examine a step-by-step model for creating a collaborative and peaceful conflict negotiation.

Conflict Letter

Now that you have familiarized yourself with conflict management styles, unproductive conflict, and communication strategies for conflict resolution, it is time to reflect on what you have learned.

Think about an important relationship you have with a friend, family member, romantic partner, or co-worker, and how you would like to improve problem-solving in the relationship. Take a few minutes to write this person a letter or email that reflects on what you have learned about your approach to conflict. Your letter should be about addressing your conflict style, not the other person's.

• In the letter, identify your preferred conflict management style and explain what it means. Briefly discuss how your conflict style may impact the other person. You can begin with: “I hope this letter finds you doing well. I am currently taking an interpersonal communication class and have been learning about my communication style when trying to solve problems. I find that I approach conflict as an avoider/obliger/compromiser/etc.” Take the time to mention a strength and a drawback of your approach.
• Review the list of unproductive conflict management strategies, and identify at least one unproductive strategy you use that you would like to try to minimize.
• Review tips throughout the book and explain how you will try to improve how you manage conflicts in your relationship. You can share at least two new communication tools you plan to try to use the next time you encounter a conflict with this person.
• Talk about your role and what you plan to do, not focusing on what the other person should be doing. You can make one request, but the focus should be on improving your own conflict communication.
• You can share this letter with the person you wrote it to, or keep it for yourself as motivation to work towards peaceful conflict resolution.

Integrative Conflict Resolution Model

Conflict negotiation refers to a formal or informal process that individuals use to find a mutually agreeable solution to a problem. When sorting through the complexity of conflict, it can help to have a model to guide the process. Before you choose to try and solve a problem, it can be helpful to ask yourself a few guiding questions first:

• Will this subject bother me tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.? If the answer is yes, give yourself some time to cool off and plan to address the issue. If the answer is no, you may choose not to deal with the situation.
• Is this the right time to address the problem? Do you and the other person have the time and emotional bandwidth to tackle the conflict? If not now, schedule a time to talk later.
• Are you addressing the conflict with the correct person? All too often, we complain to friends and family members about a problem we have experienced with someone else. This allows us to release a little emotional frustration, but if the problem continues you will need to address it with the involved parties.

The integrative conflict resolution model presented below is appropriate to use for issues that are important to you and/or the other person, ongoing conflicts, or conflicts that may significantly impact you.

1. Define the conflict: To successfully negotiate conflict, all parties in the conflict must identify the issues. You can begin by describing the central concerns and identifying different conflict goals (content, relational, identity, process). There may be multiple issues at play, and this is a good time to practice bracketing, or breaking the conflict into smaller parts, to determine what issues you would like to focus on.
2. Use “I” statements: Use “I” statements instead of “you” language to avoid triggering defensiveness and to demonstrate that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings.
3. Empathize with the other person: When possible and appropriate, take the time to acknowledge how the other person is feeling and their perspective on the conflict.
4. Brainstorm solutions: Once both parties have identified the conflict and shared their personal perspectives, jointly brainstorm solutions to the problem. Brainstorm multiple solutions together. Refrain from judging solutions during this step.
5. Test a solution: Jointly select a solution to the conflict that you are willing to put into practice. Agree to a timeline to test the solution, whether it be in days, weeks, or months.
6. Adopt or reject the solution: After the agreed-upon time has passed, meet up to discuss the solution to the conflict. Did the solution solve the problem? Did it make it worse? You may need to revisit the conflict and test a new solution.

Using the integrative conflict resolution model can take time and practice. When you first use the model, it can feel a bit stiff and artificial, as though you are following a script for a play. However, over time, using an approach like this can help you slow down and think through the best options for conflict resolution. If you are facing a significant area of conflict with a friend, family member, or co-worker, it may help to sit down and think through in advance what you would like to say and accomplish.

Some conflicts can be too big for individuals to resolve on their own. In these cases, it can help to seek out a third party. There are many options available. Conflict mediation is where individuals seek help resolving a conflict with the aid of a trained mediator. Many cities offer free or low-cost conflict mediation services for families, couples, and communities. In other situations, particularly when conflict is creating a painful emotional experience, or is multi-layered, therapy or counseling may be a beneficial option. Therapy or counseling can provide individuals and families with training, problem-solving, and coping strategies for managing conflict. Colleges frequently offer free therapy sessions and/or referrals for low-cost options within the community. If you experience conflict at work, you may want to turn to your Human Resources department for help in resolving the issue. It is worthwhile to develop skills in peaceful conflict resolution, but it is also helpful to recognize times when you may need professional assistance to aid you in solving your conflict.

Building Bridges Through Apology and Forgiveness

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): Forgiveness by scem.info from Flickr CC-BY-SA-2.0.

As we have learned throughout this book, our personal relationships with family, friends and romantic partners are essential for our physical and psychological well-being. However, despite our best intentions, conflict can arise in these relationships, creating emotionally charged situations and often resulting in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

Offering an apology to another is a signal that you recognize the impact of your actions and that you would like to make amends. Granting forgiveness is the process of fostering personal healing by offering grace to the party who has hurt us. To forgive does not mean to excuse or forget that you have been harmed. Rather, the aim of forgiveness is to bring peace that allows both parties to move forward.

Learning to apologize effectively may be one of the most powerful communication tools we can use to respond when things go wrong in our relationships. In the book A good apology: Four steps to make things right (2020), psychologist Molly Howes outlines four steps for a meaningful apology:

1. First, you must come to understand the other person’s injury, including the effects of your actions. This usually involves asking questions and listening.
2. Second, you must articulate a sincere statement of regret. You must acknowledge what you did and how it affected the other person. This is no small feat for most of us, especially when we didn’t intend to hurt someone.
3. Third, you must make reparations. This can include material restitution, although in relationships that’s less likely to occur.
4. Fourth, you must make a convincing plan to prevent the problem from happening again (Howes, 2020, p. 73).

As with the other communication skills you have learned throughout this book, apology and forgiveness take practice and patience.

When should you forgive? One of my favorite sayings is from 18th-century poet Alexander Pope, who wrote, “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” This line reminds us that it is human nature to make mistakes, and it is a gracious act to grant forgiveness. Granting forgiveness does not mean releasing the other person from responsibility, but can allow us to move forward with our lives by releasing us from pain and from any control that a situation or other person may have over us.

Consider This: To Apologize and Forgive, That Is the Question

Jake and Dana have been friends since elementary school. After high school, Jake became heavily involved in the drug scene. Unfortunately, Jake developed a drug addiction. As a result of the addiction, Jake alienated friends and family, stole money from Dana, and as a breaking point, endangered Dana’s life. As a result, Dana cut off all contact with Jake. After hitting rock bottom, Jake completed two rounds of rehab. Upon completion of the last round of treatment, Jake reached out to Dana through text, and apologized for their previous behavior, acknowledging the theft and the danger caused as a result of the addiction.

1. Based on Howes’ (2020) four steps for a meaningful apology (understand, articulate, repair, and prevention, how would you apologize to Dana if you were in Jake’s position?
2. If you were in Dana’s position, would you be able to forgive Jake? Why or why not? Explain how you might respond to a sincere apology from Jake.