Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you chose to tell a lie? Perhaps you were late to a meeting and blamed the traffic when really you just didn’t get ready in time. Maybe you found yourself telling someone they looked nice in an outfit even though you thought the outfit wasn’t suitable for them. Or perhaps you decide it is OK to disclose to a partner about your past relationships, but you decide to leave out key details. In what contexts do you feel it is acceptable to tell someone something other than the truth?
The first concept we will explore in the dark side of communication is the idea of deception. Whether or not you think it is OK to deceive someone probably includes consideration of what is at stake to you in terms of the risk to your relationship. This will determine whether or not you see any level of deception as acceptable to engage in for that particular relationship.
Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): Lying by Tswedensky from Pixabay
Interpersonal deception theory focuses on deception as an act, the process of detection, and our response to it (Buller & Burgoon, 2006). According to Buller and Burgoon, "deception occurs when communicators control the information contained in their messages to convey a meaning that departs from the truth as they know it” (2006, p. 205). Therefore, deception can function to strategically manipulate information while impacting the dynamic nature of one’s relationship.
What do you think this means in a relationship when a relational partner decides to deceive someone? This theory focuses on how and why people engage in deception and try to get away with it and how the other person tries to figure out whether or not to believe it. Recall a time when you lied and someone questioned whether you were telling the truth. How did you respond? Or consider a time when you thought someone lied to you—how did you react and how did they respond back to you? Usually, when someone tries to deceive us and we are trying to figure out what is going on, we monitor our responses to figure out what to do next.
Whether or not a relationship can overcome deception really depends on that interplay between how someone responds when faced with deception and how the deceiver responds back in order to repair the relationship. In this next section, we will overview the types of deception.
Types of Deception
Let’s identify the different types of deception that might occur in a relationship: deception by omission (concealment) and deception by commission (lying). These two types of deception differ according to the level of distortion that is involved and how much potential impact there is on a relationship because of how this deception is perceived.
Deception by Omission
Concealment, or deception by omission, involves intentionally holding back some of the information another person has requested, or you are expected to share. For example, a relational partner might ask why you didn’t respond to their text last night and you could say you were busy, while leaving out who you were busy with. Do you think lies by omission are detrimental to a relationship? What might happen if your relational partner finds out you have held back some information? Omitting information can violate relational expectations and can have an impact on the trust and intimacy that was already built in the relationship. As discussed in the chapter on building and maintaining interpersonal relationships, building trust is an important aspect of our relationships and we engage in self-disclosure and communication behaviors that help to build such trust. If our relational partners find out that we have violated their expectations of trust and undermined it through deception by omission, the trust in the relationship will automatically decline. You will then have to spend some time determining how to repair such a relationship.
Deception by Commission
Simply put, this is lying. When we commit deception by commission, we deliberately communicate false information. This type of deception goes beyond just a strategic withholding of information. When there is deception by commission, there is an intentional level of control of both the quantity and quality of information the relational partner receives. This type of deception includes:
Lies of convenience (commonly referred to as white lies): This is when information is presented as slightly false and there may be minimal consequence to presenting the information as such. Oftentimes these white lies are communicated to enable one to feel less guilty or to ensure that someone’s feelings are not hurt. When one of the authors of this chapter was pregnant, they asked their husband if they looked OK in an outfit. Sometimes he said "yes." Once, when they were wearing an orange maternity dress, he said "You look like a pumpkin" and the author immediately started to cry. Would it have been better for him, in that case, to tell a white lie and just say “yes”? What purpose do white lies serve? They usually function as social lubrication—for purposes of smoothing over a relationship and keeping a relationship friction-free.
Lies of exaggeration: An exaggeration is a type of deception by commission that includes the embellishing of facts or the stretching of the truth (which can get more elaborate over time). When someone exaggerates or overstates by playing with the boundaries of what is considered factual or truthful, this type of misrepresentation can lead to mistrust in a relationship given the blurring of boundaries between truth and fiction.
Bald-faced lies: A bald-faced lie is a type of deception that involves an outright falsification of information. When you communicate a bald-faced lie, there exists an intent to truly deceive someone. With a bald-faced lie, there is going to be a greater emotional impact or consequence to the relationship if the lie is discovered as the risk of destroying trust in a relationship is greater.
Why Do We Deceive?
If we know that deception in a relationship carries with it the risk of destroying the trust we have built in our relationships, why would we decide to deceive someone in the first place? There are many reasons we might contemplate or use to determine and justify why it is OK to engage in any act of deception.
Altruistic, or to protect and avoid hurting someone (their resources, self-image, or safety)
Self-serving and for personal gain; to avoid undesirable consequences (negative consequences)
To gain resources such as time, money, affection, and status
To avoid harm or loss of resources
To protect one’s self-image and save face
For entertainment
Reflect on your past relationships and times you have engaged in any level of deception or felt you were deceived, and consider why. Do these reasons seem reasonable to you? We may find we can justify reasons (big or small) on why we might need to deceive in a relationship, but we also have to consider the short-term and long-term effects on a relationship if deception becomes commonplace.
Every communication act has a consequence, and we should be prepared to accept these consequences should we choose to engage in any form of deception in our relationships. First and foremost, as indicated earlier, if our relational partners find out we have withheld any information and they perceive us to be lying, there will necessarily be some kind of harm to the relationship and/or a loss of trust. We should expect the relational partner to be more guarded on whether to completely trust us in future interactions. There may also be collateral damage or harm to others who aren’t directly involved simply because they are in your orbit and may peripherally experience an after effect of the deception. Finally, deception can bring on other relational consequences such as punishment, damage to your reputation, or even a lingering guilty conscience that can get in the way of future carefree and open conversations.
Given these reasons/effects, do you advocate that deception or lying is necessary to some extent in a relationship?
The novel Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty (and the subsequent mini-series that stemmed from it) depicts five main characters who are each faced with keeping secrets. These secrets vary in their depth and degree and the characters are seen grappling with how to best navigate keeping these secrets and to who they deceive versus disclose the truth too. Each of the women has different motivations for why they choose to deceive and each ends up having to deal with the different impacts and affects their deception has on their relationships with each other and others around them.
Gaslighting
In 2018, Oxford Dictionaries named gaslighting one of its most popular words, largely in response to the political climate surrounding the national election and office of the presidency in 2016. When gaslighting, the abuser twists and exploits their victim's words, emotions, and experiences to make them feel like they’re imagining or exaggerating what happened. For gaslighting to take place, it takes two people: the gaslighter, who creates doubt and confusion; and a receiver, who questions their perceptions as a result.
If you are on the receiving end of gaslighting, you may find yourself manipulated to the point where you begin to doubt your thoughts and perceptions of events, your emotions, and even your self-concept. To illustrate, if a wife tells her husband that she is overwhelmed with housekeeping and needs more support from him, and he responds that he does 90% of the cleaning (when he does not), and doesn’t know what she's talking about, he gaslighted her. The use of gaslighting can not only cause someone to doubt themselves, but it is often considered a form of abusive communication that can negatively impact an individual's mental health and well-being. Consider the story of Chanel Miller, who was inadvertently a victim of gaslighting from her family:
In the New York Times bestselling memoir Know My Name, Chanel Miller (2019) described the awful night when Brock Turner sexually assaulted her behind a dumpster on the campus of Stanford University. In a haunting passage, Miller recounted listening to friends and coworkers discuss the case without knowing that she was “Emily Doe,” the name assigned to her in press coverage of the assault. These well-meaning friends and colleagues pondered why a non-student would attend a university party, what she wore that night, and whether she enjoyed it because, after all, the assailant was a sexy jock. Later, Miller recalls the case prosecutor’s relief upon meeting her boyfriend: an older, employed, handsome, and athletic man. Miller’s own testimony that she was unconscious and could not consent to sex seemed to mean less than her boyfriend’s social desirability in a jury’s assessment of whether she had really been assaulted. (Graves & Spencer, 2022)
Gaslighting can be used in a variety of interpersonal relationships for a variety of reasons. Gaslighting can occur in romantic partnerships, with family, friends, and even with co-workers or a boss. For gaslighting to occur, both parties must value the relationship, there is usually unequal power between the partners, and the target does not want to lose the relationship and needs approval. Stressful relationship topics such as money, sex, child-rearing, and other complex issues can trigger gaslighting to diffuse tension and conflict, attempt to control the situation, and to ease anxiety (Stern, 2007). Although gaslighting techniques can be a strategic approach used by a person or group, often people who use gaslighting techniques are unaware of what they are doing.
Rachel and her new boyfriend Daniel are out for the evening with some of his friends. During the evening, Daniel makes a sexually explicit and vulgar comment at Rachel’s expense. Later that evening, on their way home, Rachel lets Daniel know she is unhappy with the comment. First, Daniel outright denies that he made such a comment (denial). Daniel then blames Rachel, telling her that the situation is her fault, and that claiming that she is so uptight his friends will never like her (scapegoating). He ends up saying “we both know you are just too sensitive” (diminishing self-concept). Rachel is left questioning her perception of the evening and wondering if she is being too sensitive.
Stern (2019) identified several common phrases that can be used by gaslighters to manipulate the other person, including:
You’re so sensitive!
You know that’s just because you are so insecure.
Stop acting crazy. Or: You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?
You are just paranoid.
I was just joking!
You are making that up.
It’s no big deal.
You’re overreacting.
You are always so dramatic.
Don’t get so worked up.
That never happened.
You’re hysterical.
There you go again, you are so ungrateful.
Nobody believes you, why should I?
Do you suspect that someone has tried to gaslight you? Chances are most people have experienced some form of gaslighting at some point in their lives (Stern, 2019). If you are a victim of gaslighting you may:
Constantly second-guess yourself
Have difficulties making simple decisions
Continually ask yourself, “Am I being too sensitive?”
Feel confused or even “crazy”
Always apologize to your abuser
Not understand why you’re not happier when you have so many good things in your life
Feel as if you can’t do anything right
Wonder if you’re a “good enough” spouse/employee/friend/person
Take some time to reflect on your answers to the questions. If you answer "yes" to one or more questions, you may be in a relationship where gaslighting is occurring. If you believe you are caught in the gaslight tango, developing your toolbox of communication skills can help you form healthy responses.
How to Respond to Gaslighting with Communication Competence
It is important to recognize that over time gaslighting can have damaging effects on an individual's self-concept, mental health, and overall well-being. If you find yourself using the gaslighting techniques described earlier, work on breaking the cycle by developing your assertiveness, emotional intelligence, and conflict management strategies to better address problems as they arise. If you believe that someone in your life is gaslighting you, it is worthwhile to develop a communication response strategy:
Learn to recognize gaslighting when it is happening.
Practice assertive communication to stand up for yourself, without engaging in an argument over the issue.
Check your perceptions with yourself and the other person. For example, if your partner criticizes you, rather than becoming defensive, use perception checking to try and get to the heart of the issue.
Set boundaries with simple communication statements such as “I am uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation. We can come back to it later” or “It may not be your goal to criticize me, but I feel hurt, and I do not want to continue this conversation right now” or “I know you see the situation one way, but I don’t agree with you.”
Seek feedback and support from people outside of your relationship.
Consider consulting a therapist or counselor. If the gaslighting occurs at work, contact Human Resources.
Consider This: Communication Skills of Sociopaths
According to Harvard psychologist Martha Stout (2006), one in 25 “ordinary” people are remorseless and exhibit no conscience. These are clear signs of a sociopath. Ultius (2015) defines sociopaths as “people who display anti-social behavior characterized by a lack of empathy towards others coupled with abnormal moral conduct and an inability to conform to societal norms.”
While sociopaths may be antisocial and lack empathy for others, they can also come across as charismatic and interpersonally charming. Some verbal and nonverbal communication behaviors to look for in sociopaths include the following (Ultius, 2015).
Even though sociopaths lack empathy, they appear interested in their victims by asking lots of questions in an attempt to gain information for manipulation.
As a method of manipulation, they will often attempt to assert control with intense eye contact to present themselves as “sincere and captivating.” However, if they’ve deemed a target is no longer useful, they immediately break eye contact and any further attempts to connect.
Sociopaths tend to exhibit behaviors of grandiosity and blaming. In other words, they have an inflated ego that refuses to take responsibility and insists on blaming others.
Compulsively lying is another key characteristic of sociopaths. Their superficially charming personality along with their lies help them to build the facade behind which they hide to carry out their manipulations.
So what’s the difference between sociopathy and psychopathy? While both are disturbing antisocial personality disorders, some psychologists believe sociopaths are more impulsive, whereas psychopaths rely on carefully and thoroughly calculating and planning their crimes. Joe Exotic, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Diane Downs, Billy McFarland, and Bernie Madoff are a few names that popped up from a quick Google search of sociopaths (also see Practical Psychology, 2022).
To summarize, at first glance sociopaths appear to be interpersonally skilled. However, “their main trait is presenting themselves as having the same empathy feelings and emotions as others when in fact they lack this emotional capacity. They are thus cold and manipulative and rarely see any problem with their actions” (Loewen, 2020).
