11.3: Jealousy, Secret Tests, and Gossip

Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster

Have you ever found yourself feeling jealous in a relationship? If you are like most people, you may have experienced both ends of jealousy, including feeling the emotion and finding yourself in a relationship with a jealous partner. Like other aspects of the dark side of communication, jealousy can have both positive and negative aspects. Jealousy can involve how people think, feel and respond to a perceived threat to a relationship. Although much reference is made to the “green-eyed monster” of jealousy in romantic relationships, it can also occur with friends, siblings, co-workers, and other people in our daily lives. Jealousy can be triggered by events, such as thinking your partner is flirting with someone attractive, but it can occur even in the absence of an actual rival. How we experience jealousy can be influenced by a variety of factors, including our personality, culture, attachment styles, and the unique characteristics of the relationship.

Figure \(\PageIndex{1}\): Jealousy by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

As with other aspects of the dark side of communication, jealousy can serve both negative and positive functions in relationships. Previous research has suggested that jealousy is related to six communication functions: preserving self-esteem, maintaining (protecting) the relationship, reducing uncertainty about both the primary and rival relationship, restoring balance in the relationship, and reassessing the relationship (Guerrero & Anderson, 1996). One potentially positive outcome of jealousy is that it can motivate people to take steps to improve their relationship (Henniger & Harris, 2014), such as investing time and effort in the relationship. Nonetheless, jealousy has been linked to relationship dissatisfaction, and increases in deception and relationship violence (Elphinston, et al., 2013; Guerrero, et al., 2005).

The green-eyed monster of jealousy can show itself in different forms, including cognitive, behavioral, or emotional jealousy (Guerrero & Andersen, 1998). Cognitive jealousy occurs when you experience negative thoughts about your partner’s behavior or a third party whom you believe is interfering in your relationship. For example, if someone starts texting your partner late at night, sending pictures and flirtatious messages, you may find yourself questioning the other person’s motives. Emotional jealousy refers to the emotions that are mixed in with your jealous experience, such as hurt, anger, and fear. Last, behavioral jealousy occurs when you take steps to monitor your partner, such as checking their phone, tracking their location, or trying to limit and/or control who they associate with.

What is the best way to manage feelings of jealousy when they arise? Think back through your own life and consider what you find to be the healthiest response to jealousy. Research has shown that using a “self-reliance” strategy may work the best (Salovey & Rodin, 1988). This approach calls for you to acknowledge your feelings while not letting the triggering event derail you from what you were doing. Furthermore, research suggests that following up the triggering event with calm discussions about jealous feelings (self-disclosure) and demonstrating increased affection toward partners lead to the most positive outcomes in these situations (Kennedy-Lightsey, 2018).

Secret Tests

In the classic teen movie Mean Girls, a tale of high school students jockeying for power, the four main characters engage in a four-way phone conversation designed to unknowingly undermine each other. This iconic scene showcases secret tests, a form of communication whereby individuals use a variety of direct and indirect strategies to learn information about each other and their relationship (Baxter & Wilmot, 1984). Secret tests, commonly referred to as game-playing, are often used when there are questions about the status of the relationship or when the relationship is going through changes. You are more likely to find secret tests when at least one person in the relationship has low self-esteem, talking about the relationship is considered taboo, or the relationship is in a state of decline.

Figure \(\PageIndex{2}\): Girls Whispering by Olya Adamovich from Pixaby.

Research has largely examined the use of secret tests in romantic relationships, but these strategies to reduce uncertainty can also be found in family, friend, and work relationships. Secret tests are included as a type of communication from the dark side because they can be manipulative, hurtful, and negative. There are several types of secret tests.

Types of Secret Tests

• Third-party tests: The third-party technique involves going through the other party's friends or family to learn their feelings. For example, imagine that AJ has a crush on Sophia. Rather than reaching out to Sophia, AJ connects with Sophia’s friends through social media to find out if she is single and if she might be interested in talking.
• Triangle tests: Triangle tests involve using a third party to make your partner jealous. For example, Layla and Aaron go to a party and Aaron talks to other girls to try and make Layla jealous.
• Fidelity tests: Fidelity tests involve whether or not your partner remains faithful. For example, Jada leaves her partner alone with someone very attractive to see how they respond.
• Directness tests: Directness tests involve making specific statements or self-disclosures in the hope that the other person will reciprocate. For example, Mateo tells Elena “I think I am falling in love with you” in hopes that Elena will confess to the same feelings.
• Separation tests: Separation tests involve increasing the physical distance between partners (such as geographically) to see if the relationship can withstand the distance. For example, Belle and James go away to school on opposite sides of the country to see if their relationship can withstand being apart.
• Endurance tests: Endurance tests involve introducing costs to the relationship to see how the other person responds. There are three typical endurance tests: negative behavior, self-criticism, and effort tests. Negative behavior involves treating your partner poorly to see if they will put up with the behavior. Self-criticism entails criticizing oneself, so much that it is irritating, to see if your partner will disagree and defend you. Effort tests involve making demanding requests of the partner to see how committed they are to the relationship.
• Public presentation tests: Public presentation occurs when individuals test their relationship status through public declarations about the relationship status, such as introducing someone as their significant other or changing their relationship status on social media.
• Indirect suggestion tests: Indirect suggestion tests include roundabout strategies like joking about the relationship status and nonverbal indicators such as increasing touch through hand-holding and hugs. For example, Kaia frequently jokes with Jamie, calling them "girlfriend" to see how they react.

As you review secret tests in relationships, you may recognize occasions where other people used this form of communication with you, or that you used these techniques on others. It can be helpful to develop competent communication strategies to respond to secret tests.

Communication Strategies to Respond to Secret Tests

It is important to recognize that secret tests can break down trust in relationships. If you find yourself using any of the secret tests listed here, work on developing your assertiveness to seek out the answers to your questions in a more direct manner with the other party. If someone in your life is using secret tests with you, it is worthwhile to develop a response strategy. Consider trying one of these communication strategies:

• Seek answers to why the person is using secret tests. Are they insecure, or are you unwilling to share in the exchange of ideas about your relationship?
• Respond assertively. For example, "I noticed that you introduced me to your family as your girlfriend. We have not really discussed our relationship status, and I think we should do so before we move forward."
• Counter with perception checking. "I have noticed lately that your friends have been asking me about our relationship. Is there something you would like to know, or are your friends curious about your life?"
• Use clarifying questions and statements. "So, would you like me to take you to the airport? I only do that for people I care about. I am happy to take you to the airport," or "So, you would like me to take you to the airport? I only do that for the people that I am closest to, and I don't think we are there yet."

Gossip: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

The word gossip easily conjures up questionable images of “malicious rumors, put-downs, or the breathless propagation of a tabloid scoop” (Gottfried, 2019). As it turns out, gossip is not so sinister, but it’s a social skill that helps us connect by spreading information. Researchers essentially define gossip as, “talking about people who aren’t present” (Robbins & Karan, 2019).

Figure \(\PageIndex{3}\): Twitter Management by geralt from Pixaby

According to David Ludden, professor of psychology at Georgia Gwinnett College and author of The Psychology of Language: An Integrated Approach, gossiping can be positive or neutral as well as the expected negatives. In fact, Robbins and Karan (2019) found gossip to be quite mundane. Their observational study found that most gossip tended to be neutral rather than positive or negative. Neutral topics may include sharing updates about friends and family. Their study concluded that the average person gossips about 52 minutes a day. Of that, only about 15% was negative gossip, 9% was positive, and an overwhelming 75% was “boring” and neutral information. Additionally, while women tend to be stuck with the gossiping reputation, they found that men gossip just as much as women.

Dunbar (2004) believes that without gossip, society would not exist. She argues gossiping is a way to stay informed when our network/society becomes too big to manage and observe by ourselves. Furthermore, Roy Baumeister, Liqing Zhang, and Kathleen Vohs (2004) suggest that gossip is part of human socialization and cultural learning offering teachable situations of what society finds socially acceptable and not acceptable. For example, parents use the parable of “the boy who cried wolf” to tell their children about a neighbor who got in trouble for lying. As a result, we learn from a young age that lying is bad and learn that gossip serves “to keep people in check, morally speaking” (Robbins & Karan, 2019).

The usefulness of gossip doesn’t come without a dark side. Perhaps that is why we are quick to associate gossip with being something bad and reprehensible. When the information transmitted benefits no one and is intended to harm, that is gossip that should be avoided (Feinberg et al., 2012).

Reflection Questions

1. How do you define/see gossip? (Positive, Negative, Neutral?) What contributed to your perception of gossip?
2. How does gossip function in the developing and maintaining of relationships in your life?