7: Interpersonal Communication Friendships and Family
- Page ID
- 259267
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\(\newcommand{\avec}{\mathbf a}\) \(\newcommand{\bvec}{\mathbf b}\) \(\newcommand{\cvec}{\mathbf c}\) \(\newcommand{\dvec}{\mathbf d}\) \(\newcommand{\dtil}{\widetilde{\mathbf d}}\) \(\newcommand{\evec}{\mathbf e}\) \(\newcommand{\fvec}{\mathbf f}\) \(\newcommand{\nvec}{\mathbf n}\) \(\newcommand{\pvec}{\mathbf p}\) \(\newcommand{\qvec}{\mathbf q}\) \(\newcommand{\svec}{\mathbf s}\) \(\newcommand{\tvec}{\mathbf t}\) \(\newcommand{\uvec}{\mathbf u}\) \(\newcommand{\vvec}{\mathbf v}\) \(\newcommand{\wvec}{\mathbf w}\) \(\newcommand{\xvec}{\mathbf x}\) \(\newcommand{\yvec}{\mathbf y}\) \(\newcommand{\zvec}{\mathbf z}\) \(\newcommand{\rvec}{\mathbf r}\) \(\newcommand{\mvec}{\mathbf m}\) \(\newcommand{\zerovec}{\mathbf 0}\) \(\newcommand{\onevec}{\mathbf 1}\) \(\newcommand{\real}{\mathbb R}\) \(\newcommand{\twovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\ctwovec}[2]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\threevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cthreevec}[3]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfourvec}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\fivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{r}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\cfivevec}[5]{\left[\begin{array}{c}#1 \\ #2 \\ #3 \\ #4 \\ #5 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\mattwo}[4]{\left[\begin{array}{rr}#1 \amp #2 \\ #3 \amp #4 \\ \end{array}\right]}\) \(\newcommand{\laspan}[1]{\text{Span}\{#1\}}\) \(\newcommand{\bcal}{\cal B}\) \(\newcommand{\ccal}{\cal C}\) \(\newcommand{\scal}{\cal S}\) \(\newcommand{\wcal}{\cal W}\) \(\newcommand{\ecal}{\cal E}\) \(\newcommand{\coords}[2]{\left\{#1\right\}_{#2}}\) \(\newcommand{\gray}[1]{\color{gray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\lgray}[1]{\color{lightgray}{#1}}\) \(\newcommand{\rank}{\operatorname{rank}}\) \(\newcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\col}{\text{Col}}\) \(\renewcommand{\row}{\text{Row}}\) \(\newcommand{\nul}{\text{Nul}}\) \(\newcommand{\var}{\text{Var}}\) \(\newcommand{\corr}{\text{corr}}\) \(\newcommand{\len}[1]{\left|#1\right|}\) \(\newcommand{\bbar}{\overline{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bhat}{\widehat{\bvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\bperp}{\bvec^\perp}\) \(\newcommand{\xhat}{\widehat{\xvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\vhat}{\widehat{\vvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\uhat}{\widehat{\uvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\what}{\widehat{\wvec}}\) \(\newcommand{\Sighat}{\widehat{\Sigma}}\) \(\newcommand{\lt}{<}\) \(\newcommand{\gt}{>}\) \(\newcommand{\amp}{&}\) \(\definecolor{fillinmathshade}{gray}{0.9}\)- Explore and understand the many variables involved in interpersonal communication.
- Identify the common barriers to effective communication.
- Increase awareness and appreciation for the influence of gender on communication.
- Identify the ego states that influence the quality of communications according to Transactional Analysis.
- Identify the characteristics of a toxic relationship and strategies to manage it.
- Become familiar with the concepts that impact our interactions with family members according to Family Systems Theory
- Learn ways to improve cross-cultural communication.
Key Words: Transactional Analysis, Ego States, Family Systems Theory, cross-cultural communication, Toxic friendships, Interpersonal Communication Style, Gender and communication style
“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”
-Tony Robbins
Reading 1: Interpersonal Communication Style
What do we hope to accomplish when speaking to others? Is the intention to persuade? Is there an aim to demonstrate knowledge or status? Or could the intent be to learn more about another person’s view? Or perhaps our objective is to strictly inform. Regardless of what brings two people (or more) to a conversation, there are a few essential characteristics involved. There is a directional interaction in which a sender dispenses information to be interpreted by a receiver. Both play an integral role in the effectiveness of communication. Also, shared knowledge can impact the clarity of what is said as well as what is unspoken. To a large extent, the style of communication will have a direct influence on how well the message is received and understood as well as impact perceptions of the speaker and the target. Again, communication is not always about what is said but also what the speaker is attempting to convey about him or herself or the target. In the model depicted above, you will see that between the Sender (and his various influences of culture and knowledge, for example) and the Receiver are myriad elements of the Message itself and a cluster of different channels through which the message may be communicated. As you may guess, it is remarkably easy to misconstrue messages when so many variables are involved. In this first reading we explore different styles of communication identified by Robert Norton. Consider which best represents your most dominant style and why.
“From the kindergarten classroom to the corporate boardroom, men and women are socialized to communicate differently. Unfortunately, instead of taking advantage of this inherent diversity in a way that might facilitate camaraderie and creativity in the workplace, we often find colleagues at odds with one another because of their different inter-personal communication styles. The most problematic issue that arises from this discrepancy is the disproportionate number of times that men interrupt women.”
Moore, Leslie (Jan 2017). Gal interrupted, why men interrupt women and how to avert this in the workplace. Women @ Forbes
Reading 2: Is your communication style dictated by your gender?
|
Top Three Communication Strengths for Females |
Top Three Communication Weaknesses for Females |
|---|---|
|
1. Ability to read body language and pick up nonverbal cues |
1. Overly emotional |
|
2. Good listening skills |
2. Meandering – won’t get to the point |
|
3. Effective display of empathy |
3. Not authoritative |
|
Top Three Communication Strengths for Males |
Top Three Communication Weaknesses for Males |
|---|---|
|
1. Commanding physical presence |
1. Overly blunt and direct |
|
2. Direct and to-the-point interactions |
2. Insensitive to audience reactions |
|
3. Effective display of power |
3. Too confident in own opinion |
Gonman, Carol (3/2016) “Is your communication style dictated by your gender?” Forbes.
Reading 3: Transactional Analysis
Who are you when you interact with a parent, friend, partner, or professor? Do you bring your same self to each of these encounters? Are there subtle, and possibly unconscious, changes you make when relating to someone that are based on established behavior patterns or expectancies? We all make slight adjustments to our style of communication. This is due, in part, to unspoken and shared knowledge and both positive and negative past experiences. In the case of a negative past, and possible lingering guilt, shame, or resentment, subsequent interactions can easily ignite and trigger these emotions and sabotage an otherwise mature conversation. Eric Berne, M.D. described the many transactions (independent discourse) we make and how we may unconsciously embody an ego state predicated on our perceptions. As you review his theory of Transactional Analysis, consider your past interactions with important people in your life. Could you attribute any ineffective discussions to non-complementary transactions? What steps could you take to maintain an Adult ego state -- especially in challenging interactions?
There is a famous quote that states: “You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, for taking care of yourself.” Another popular quote reads: “You can’t just give up on someone because the situation’s not ideal. Great relationships aren’t great because they have no problems. They’re great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work.” Which one should you abide by when considering your relationships? Are both points of view equally viable?
Reading 4: Toxic Friends: Less Friend, More Foe
One of our important tasks as human beings is to delineate destructive from strong social connections. As social animals, we are drawn to networks and develop particular bonds with a smaller cohort of individuals. This is important for our survival from a Darwinian perspective, as well as our mental well-being from a sociopsychological perspective. As young children, we may not have been very discerning about selected friendships. It may take an instance (or two) of betrayal to spark a more selective vetting process. Even still, we make mistakes and sometimes befriend those who ultimately hurt us or do not have our best interest in mind. A more drastic version of this is marrying someone and later walking into divorce court after realizing a bad choice was made. So how can you get better at distinguishing the relationships you should put to rest from those you should strive to maintain? Is it the length of the friendship? Should only abusive relationships be terminated? Review the above article from WebMD on the subtle, and not-so-subtle, symptoms of toxicity and suggestions for how to handle it.
Reading 5: Family Systems Theory
As we grow into our own identities on Erikson’s psychosocial timeline, we may pull from familial and worldly factors to inform our beliefs. As adults, society views our actions in isolation and assigns sole responsibility to our own motivations, thought life, and moral standards. Whether we have a childhood filled with love, affirmation, and thanksgiving or one marred by emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, we navigate our daily adult lives as self-determined individuals with free will. This in no way accounts for any mental or tangible scars from surviving a dysfunctional family unit. In Family Systems Theory, Dr. Bowen established that the family unit has a profound emotional impact on individuals. By understanding this influence, we can better understand how maintaining established roles can either promote bonding or fuel ongoing dysfunction. As you read Dr. Bowen’s theory, consider how the eight interlocking concepts continue to impact you personally and in your communications with family members.
“People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they have not communicated with each other.”
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr
Reading 6: Cross-Cultural Communication
One of the many benefits of the college experience is meeting people of diverse backgrounds and learning about other cultures. For some, the prospect of communicating with people who seem very different is unnerving and scary. This nervousness can contribute to miscommunication and generally awkward encounters. Perhaps realizing that most people experience a little trepidation when embarking on a new journey alleviates some of the strain of an otherwise enlightening and rewarding experience. As you read the above article on the communicationtheory.org website, consider the barriers to effective cross-cultural communication. In what ways could you work toward more fruitful and positive interactions with people of different backgrounds?
Reflections
- Using the model of Interpersonal Communication Style, which aspect of communication do you think often leads to impaired understanding? Is the sender or receiver more typically at fault for misconstrued information?
- Aside from the message itself, what else might a sender be attempting to communicate via word choice, body language, or even what is left unsaid?
- Of the identified strengths and weaknesses of gendered communication style, which do you recognize in your own interactions?
- What steps do you think organizations could take to enhance communication of both male and female employees?
- What steps could you take to maintain an Adult ego state -- especially in challenging interactions?
- How might Transactional Analysis explain perpetual dysfunction in families or romantic relationships?
- What are some of the signs of a toxic friendship? How would you address an identified toxic relationship?
- Consider examples of how established family patterns maintain dysfunctional interactions between members and impact our adult relationships.
- What factors do you think prevent effective cross-cultural communication in your community?
- How might a school encourage more fruitful and frequent cross-cultural communication among students?